Seeing Singlutionary

I've been more or less absent from blogging for over a year now. And although, during this time, I very much wanted to write, wanted to continue to participate in the happily single online community -- I also felt like I had nothing to say.

Either I had nothing to say, or I couldn't figure out what to say.

Writing stopped feeling cathartic because suddenly, being single & happy was, well, boring. I was content. My issues weren't around being single but around working out other kinks in my life.

And, for part of the past year I was not single. I was unhappily coupled, trapped in a strange relationship that I have no idea how I wound up in. It was a friendship gone awry which did teach me a few things about myself that I wasn't aware of: That I am seduceable despite my better intentions, that I am ambitious beyond my wildest beliefs and that I am incompatible with a broad range of personality traits which include heavy drinking, annoying questions and general neediness.

I tried to ride out the relationship with grace in order to save the friendship and failed.

It just wasn't something that I wanted to write about. Especially knowing that my blog would be read by said love-disaster.

A good portion of the year has transpired since that relationship came to a close and I am beginning to experience new revelatory interactions which might result in something more than a post saying "I'll be back soon".

I've also been blessed with many free books which need to be reviewed.

So, tonight, this Friday night, three months after my last post, I am finally on that long awaited date with my blog.

I could be on a date with a man. I have a few prospects, all of which are promising both physically and intellectually. But I am not. I am at home, being the homebody that I am and grateful for this time to jump back into the Singlutionary world.

Even though I suspect that I will not feel single much longer. Because, I have now at my disposal a growing community of smart, funny and interesting men.

Being without men was the only thing that was an issue before. Not in a romantic or even sexual way (although missing sex and intimacy was definitely an issue at times) -- but in some kind of yin/yang balance. I need men in my life just as I need friends with various perspectives and upbringings in my life. I need that male perspective and -- to be quite honest -- the masculine quality in general.

Some of the best times I had this year were with men who I am not romantically involved with -- I hiked to the top of Angel's Landing in Zion and spent a week in Chicago discussing Shakespeare with my Comical Cousin and a week ago today I spend the day hiking outside of Vegas to a delicious hot spring with (an admittedly sexy) Future Fed. And lately Tall Turtle has been buying me beers and generally showing me a good, laid back time (OK, so there is obviously some potential romance there).

But, in general, I think I've finally learned how to be friends with men. And it is a great experience and fills the place in my life that was made empty when my female friends all defected to marriage and babies.

And this blog, my Singlutionary life, is here on Friday nights when the best thing to do is check up with all the wonderful single people out there and their creative, interesting, engaging lives which are so full and joyful and positive despite being considered, by many of our culture, to be missing their "other half".

Independent Women Homeowners!

I was excited a couple weeks ago when I began to be followed on Twitter by Ginny Mees. Ginny has created a website for independent single women which, as far as I can tell, is pretty awesome and has potential to be even awesomer.

So on this Monday, I'd like to highlight WomenHomeowners.com

And founder Ginny Mees has a pretty cool Singlutionary story as well.

http://www.WomenHomeowners.com/

Check it out and tell me what you think and then come back here on Wednesday for my Singlutionary's House series!

Happy Monday!

Moving into the Master

This past week I moved. I didn't move very far-- just from one room down the hallway from another-- but it was a move none-the-less.

One of the ways I make ends meet is to rent out cute furnished rooms in my house. Last week, a longstanding roommate moved out-- she had rented the master bedroom from me before I began renting out furnished rooms-- and I had been sleeping, for a year, haphazardly, in the room which used to be my office. It was never a permanent situation and I never put it together. I rented out cute furnished rooms but I kept for myself a room which looked very much like a half-assed storage area/art studio/office/dog room. It was cluttered and it was crowded and it was a mess.

This week I finally moved into the master bedroom. Finally. So much space. My own bathroom. A walk-in closet.

The funny thing is that I have no bedroom furniture. Most of the stuff that was being stored in the first room was linens and art which ended up staying in there. I merely scooted my airbed down the hall and I was pretty much done.

In some ways I moved from one impermanent space to another. One day I will move out of this room and this house and start over again. But life feels so different. Moving is always a fresh start, even if just down the hall. And now there is breathing space, space to grow. I have the remaining artwork that I've collected leaning up against the walls in my new room, waiting to be hung. Stuff from the shared bathroom is now sitting my bathroom the counter, waiting to be sorted. Nothing is settled yet, but it is tidy and it is somehow incredibly beautiful in this transitional way.

I never thought I needed the master bedroom before. I didn't need that much space for just me when I could rent it out for income instead. Maybe a part of me was waiting for a partner to share the master bedroom with. Houses like mine are built for a traditional married couple to occupy the master bedroom with space for their growing family in the secondary rooms. A master is big enough for two, so isn't it just a waste of space for only one?

Since buying the house I have become the master of my home. I have stopped waiting, in small subconscious ways, to be partnered before beginning my life. So it makes sense that I would quit living in a secondary room and move on into the master bedroom.

I am taking up more space in other parts of my life too. For so long I have been holding this extra space empty, waiting for someone to come and and fill it. I remember for so long, sleeping only on one side of my queen bed, practicing to share it with a partner. In so many small ways I have not been taking up the space in my own life, leaving an empty area for someone else to fill. One side of the bed it only a few feet but it is a huge emptiness.

My life is big and I am going to grow into it. I have filled this whole house with peace and positive people and and I am going to fill my life outside of this house with the same.

I was always afraid that by filling up my own life to the brim, I was eliminating the possibility of having a partner. Maybe I am. But maybe life is big enough and flexible enough to continue to expand. And maybe living a masterfully awesomely big life is the ONLY way for me to find a suitable partner.

Either way, I'm just glad that there's no more wasted space! And excited to put together this last little corner of my home.

Reproduction

I have a new admirer at work. He is some kind of nerd engineer just like most of my admirers through out my life. I don't know what it is about me that attracts nerd engineers. Anyways. My new admirer is funny, appropriate and has a face that kinda looks like a teapot. He is also just one year older than me but actually seems like a grown up.

Although I appreciate my new admirer, I also suspect that he is the kind of person who wants to have kids. Most people want to have kids especially nice stable 30 year old engineering teapots. And most people look at me and think that I am a nice stable almost 30 year old future baby maker.

Despite common perception, it is not a high priority for me in life to have kids. On the other hand, I can not say that I am 100% sure that I will not have kids either. If I were stronger in my no-kid convictions I would have had my tubes fried when I was 21. But my convictions only go this far: I do not want to have kids anytime soon and I most likely do not want to give birth. I would rather adopt. 

Of course there are a couple problems with my convictions:

1. If I don't want to have kids anytime soon (not anytime in the next 5-10 years) but I am rapidly approaching 30, my uterus might be retired by the time I get the desire to reproduce.

2. Even if I do not reproduce via my uterus and instead opt to adopt someone else's reproduction, I will still be an older parent. My parents were older parents and I have always wished that, if I were to be a parent, I be a bit younger than my parents were.

3. It is considered normal to want to have kids. Having kids is typically seen as the main reason for being married or being on planet earth. Most people have a strong inherent desire to reproduce. I am comfortable with my own lack of desire. I don't think there is anything wrong with me. But it does limit the pool of potential partners.

Why does Teapot's mere admiration bring all this up for me? I don't really know. I still haven't figured out what kind of relationship I want with a man, if any, much less if Teapot is really a qualified suitor. But I do feel attracted to him just as I still feel attracted to Abstinent Admirer. At this point in my life, I am attracted to people for qualities beyond sex. Teapot and Abstinent Admirer are fine male specimens but they are also interesting, caring and (dare I say) Singlutionary individuals. 

Maybe I am thinking about reproduction more today because I have been suffering from menstral cramps for about 12 hours now. They kept me up last night and since I have recently developed an allergy to Advil, I am babying my baby maker with a heating pad and hippie remedy tea (the tea actually seems to be working). 

I always get confused as to whether it is my uterus or my ovaries which are cramping. So I googled. And according to the Mayo Clinic, cramps are supposed to "lessen with age and often disappear once a woman has given birth". If that were true I would have gone ahead and had a baby at 25 and lived cramp free for the rest of my life! Are my cramps simply a monthly reminder that I have not yet reproduced? I think the Mayo Clinic is nuts because I know plenty of women who have given birth and still double up with cramps every month. Maybe they just didn't have ENOUGH babies? 

I don't know the answer to any of those nasty questions. Nor do I know what I think I might want from Teapot or from any potential mate. But I do now know, thanks to Abstinent Admirer, that I do want more than sex and less than children. I guess just a nice, comfortable, mutually supportive, long-term intimate relationship with someone worthy of welcome into my already vibrant life would be ideal. 

In closing, I would like to point out that the female reproductive system looks a lot like a longhorn:

For some strange reason this made me feel more Texan just for having lady parts. But then google also revealed to me that I am not the first person to have this revelation:

Sigh. 

My Singlutionary Admiration

I have an admirer and I like it.

Most of the admiration that I have received in my life was not really all that welcome. As a young teenager I was building a set for a Shakespeare play I was performing in when I heard a noise. I looked up and right on the other side of the fence was a man masturbating while staring at me. I was 13. Granted, we were building the set on the grounds of a mental institution but this guy was NOT locked up. He was one of the ones who was free to range and had a pass into the real world on Saturdays. I tried to tell my hot 20 year old co-actor about it but I stalled when I came to the masturbation part. I didn't know which words to use. I was so embarrassed. And while I had a deep puppy love crush on the hot 20 year old male co star, he was so freaked out by having to kiss with me in the play that he could hardly stand talking to me for more than 1 minute. During that summer he hooked up with an opera singer his own mothers age and then freaked out when he found out how old she was. But that is another story entirely.

After high school I gained a lot of weight and for most of my adult life I've been a little plump. When I began slimming down, I realized that I didn't want to be slender again. The extra weight had reduced the cat calls, the guys driving by in their cars doing the blow job hand motion and the dopey sweet-but-annoying types who used to follow me around campus like little puppies talking about their Dungeons and Dragons victories. Being heavy also made me -- literally -- harder to move. Shortly after college I had been walking in my own neighborhood (the one I grew up in) and had been suddenly grabbed in a bear hug by some guy. I started yelling but nobody on this quiet residential street took any notice or came to my defense. I did yell loud enough to startle him into letting go. I ran across the street where a neighbor boy was sitting on the front steps. He seemed unconcerned and seemed annoyed that I was bothering him when I explained to him what had happened. Since I wasn't getting any sympathy or offers to walk me back to my house, I decided to just make a run for it although I was sure the man was still watching me from the shadows. The man grabbed me again in my own driveway at which time my parents heard my screaming and came to my rescue. He fled. None of the neighbors ever inquired as to my well being although they must have heard me screaming. Did they think I was just mentally imbalanced? At the time there was another Shakespeare actor staying at my parent's house. He was completely uncomfortable with witnessing this experience, said it was just like "West Side Story" (huh?) and went out with (common) friends and didn't invite me. I hate my hometown but that is another story entirely.

So, you can see why I've never really thought much of being admired. Aside from perverts, I've been also admired by men and women for all the wrong reasons, for reasons that had little to do with me: I had a car, was educated, was a liberal, was an activist, wasn't an activist, didn't smoke pot, was educated by hippies, had a swing set, knew how to use email, knew so-and-so, had long hair, had short hair, liked hiking, wasn't their girlfriend, etc. 

Admiration sucked. 

Until now. 

At the new job I have a few admirers. There are many people who live at the apartment complex where I work who are sane and interesting. There are also the Dungeons and Dragon types but as they've matured they've picked up other topics of conversation with which to impress the ladies. And there are a few harmless nut jobs. 

My new admirers are cute. They're smart and not socially disabled and they will come into the office to talk. They come by now more than they did before and that was my first hint that they have little crushes on me. I have one in particular who is my favorite. He knows how to fix cars and doesn't talk down to me because I'm female. So I get to talk about cars and straw bale houses and alternative fuel sources with him and he talks to me like, well, a peer. Its good to be admired by respectable folk. And its good to be admired for the right reasons and to have someone see value in me beyond what I can give them. Its good to be respected AND admired. And its a new experience for me, in a way. I'm soaking it up. I never thought admiration could be so light hearted and simple. But this is. And at this moment, it is absolutely perfect.

This new experience is a result of becoming Singlutionary. Being entirely satisfied with my single life has resulted in a new confidence. Crazy people leave me alone because I am untouchable; I want for nothing. And folks who are also Singlutionary seem to recognize their own. How wonderful is it to find Singlutionary friends in my offline life as well as in my virtual one?

Footloose Femails: An Email Group!

I wrote in my previous post that I would keep y'all updated as to when my dear Australian Reader began her email group. Well, now, from Singal we have Footloose Femails! Its a friendship email group for single women at yahoogroups and you can find it here:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/footloosefemails/

I am on my way to join right now! 

Also, I know that I haven't been posting as often lately. Its not cause I've been busy but I have been overwhelmed! But I will get back on track sooner or later!!

Its a Man Hailstorm

One of the Onelys suggested to me a while back that I call up match.com and quit for good even though I still had a month to go already paid. But I didn't. And for two or three weeks there was so little activity anyways that it hardly mattered.

Then two unrelated things happened which are totally (and only) related in my brain:

1. I sat next to a hot guy on the airplane. We're not talking about a hot guy in terms of tall dark and handsome. We're not talking about a hot guy in terms of young and buff. We're not even really talking about a guy. We're talking about a MAN. Said Man was not wearing a ring. He was obviously at least 10 years my senior, most likely 15-20 years. He had the body of a man who had played high school football as a teenager, had gotten laid in the back of a american-made vehicle with one of the most popular cheerleaders and he spoke with the warm, comfortable Texas accent which I have grown accustomed to. He is most likely a good person and a big republican, a provider, a protector and a gun owner. For someone, like me, brought up on the West Coast in a city that passed a bill requiring folks to check your gun at the city limits, this type of man is utterly exotic.

Mr. Man must have accidentally lost his ring in the airport bathroom or something because he was pretty quick to bring up his wife and kids that live up in the suburbs (of course). Still, he just dripped of hotness.

After I got off the plane, retrieved my suitcase loaded to the limit with Trader Joes and lined up to wait for my ride, I found myself thinking that I would really like some physical intimacy in my life. That is my only beef with being single. 

And that brings me to:

2. I get home from the airport and match.com is raining idiots. There are a few guys who actually seem to be capable of putting together a profile that actually says something about themselves. There are even a few who don't look like serial killers in their profile picture. But in the past 24 hours I've gotten 20 winks or emails from match.com, two of which are remotely articulate and/or interesting.

I've already been on a date with one of them. A perfectly acceptable lad who is younger than me and randomly used to work with Bosslady (if this world gets any smaller, I am going to start saving up to have my cremated ashes shot out into space). I had fun with the lad but I somewhat doubt that I will be attracted to him. Too young and just not exotic enough. 

There was also a filmmaker Aussie who seemed like a decent guy who winked at me. I winked back. He favorited me. Great. We're at an impasse. I might just give up and ask him to a movie hoping that I could make friends with one filmmaker in this town based on a connection OUTSIDE of the industry. 

I am not sure what the moral of this story is supposed to be except that I seem to be attracted to everyone who isn't me. The tough part about that is that MOST people tend to socialize within their comfort zone with people most like themselves. If I keep seeking out people who are so vastly different from me, how am I ever going to find a social circle which fits together and offers some community?  How am I going to find friends/parters who fit into my life and I into theirs?

Who knows. I am not going to think about that right now. Instead I am going to go drink some emergen-c and make plans for tomorrow. 

Are you attracted to people who are very different from you or very similar? What kinds of differences or similarities do you find yourself drawn to in other folks?

My House and Me: One Less Ounce of Desperation Part 1

I've written about desperate dating but there are two sides to that icky-poo coin. There are the effects of desperate dating and then there are the causes.

Until recently, I never was really able to pinpoint the cause of my own desperation when it came to relationships with men. 

I grew up pretty feminist. My mom never entered me into a beauty pageant and set an example by doing home repair projects on her own. She didn't even take my dad's last name. But at the same time, my parents had pretty traditional gender roles. My dad worked. My mom stayed home and then went to work part-time when I was in school. So while I was taught that men could (and should) cook and do laundry and that women could (and should) work for a living, that was not exactly the environment that I was raised in.

I want to make it clear that I am in no way criticizing this arrangement. That was what worked for them and it wasn't based on gender as much as the fact that my dad had a good stable job and my mom was really good at fixing up houses. My dad loves routine and can deal with the day-to-day monotony of going to the same office for 20 years. My mom loves change and excitement and is a risk taker. If their personalities had been switched, I wouldn't be surprised if their roles would have been switched as well.

So, I never thought that I "needed" a man in the way some of my friends do. I've always been very independent and wanted to learn to do things on my own. I don't need a man to fix my car or take me to dinner or to make my life complete. I don't need a man to show me the way or to protect me or make me feel special. I get validation from multiple sources, from both men and women. I fix my own car, take myself to dinner and I complete me!

But under all my bravado, my whole life, I have thought that I needed to be in a relationship in order to do three things (that I am yet aware of): settle down, have financial security and enjoy life. 

The first of these subconscious assumptions began to crumble two years ago when I bought my house. I was overwhelmed. It needed too much work and I had no time and no money and I didn't have any other friends who were homeowners or a community of do-it-yourselfers to pitch in or give advice. At the same time, I was freaking out because my life pre-homeownership was incredibly mobile. I moved every year. I never had a permanent place. And while I was ready to "settle down" I felt freaked out that it was happening to me. Something just felt off, like I had forgotten to do something important. What was I giving up by settling down? I had that bad feeling you get when you pack for a trip to the tropics and you forgot to pack your bathing suit. Something was amiss. 

In buying the house, I was making a commitment. And it was a commitment that I very much wanted to make. But in the back of my mind somewhere, underneath all my independence and education and self awareness, was this idea that having a house and settling down is something one does WITH a partner. I was overwhelmed by the house because I thought I had to do everything myself. My parents had done everything themselves and only hired people to do work that required permits or expertise beyond their own. But there were two of them. And there is one of me. 

It took me a while to feel OK with paying someone to mow my yard. I mean, shouldn't I be doing that myself? It took me a while to forgive myself for taking three months to paint the living room (which has vaulted ceilings and exposed beams and required borrowing a 9 foot ladder). Why couldn't I get it done in a weekend?

And once I realized that I, on my own, could not replicate the perfection of my parent's do-it-yourself lifestyle, I could find my own balance and my own groove. It wasn't that I was missing something or defective in some way. It wasn't that I should have done things in the proper order and waited to buy as house as a newlywed. What is to guarantee that this imaginary husband is a do-it-yourselfer anyways? A huge part of my parents relationship is based on their houses. I'm not sure that I want my relationship to be based on the house. Or on dogs. Or on travel. 

But for a while, after buying the house, I felt really desperate for a man. I felt like I just couldn't cope with all the responsibilities of the house on my own and secretly I wanted some sexy carpenter/electrician/plumber/contractor/landscaper/HVAC guy to walk into my life, literally sweep me off my feet and carry me over my own threshold. But then I realized all that I would sacrifice if the house belonged to someone else and I depended up on him to do everything the house required. It would no longer be my adventure and I would not have the chance to learn more or to tackle the challenges I had so longed for. And more importantly, I realized this was the ONLY reason I wanted a man in my life so badly. I would just be using this hottie handyman for his, uh, hands *ahem*. And while that makes for a great daydream, it doesn't make for a great relationship.

This was the first of my revelations regarding my subconscious assumptions about what I can and can not do as a single. I had no idea that I had been wah-wah-waiting for someone to settle down, but some part of me was. 

I will write about my more recent experiences with finances and fun next!

All I do is Watch TV: Tough Love

My life seems to be all or nothing. My days are either crazy empty or crazy full. This past week I have had a lot of free time because several projects ended. Also, I am sorta going through an(other) identity crisis since I've decided to take a break from acting and I don't know what to do with myself. All I have ever wanted to do is act. What do I do in the absence of that ambition?

I watch TV.

I saw a preview on VH1 for a new show: Tough Love. Basically these hot girls with various dating issues are sent thought an 8 week course in which they are coached out of their dating dysfunction. Great! I want to hear the honest truth about what guys think. This show sounds like fun. And since I still have another month and a half to go on match.com (my own version of dating bootcamp), I might be able to use the advice.

There are things I love about the show and things I hate. I was able to watch the 1st episode online even though it hasn't premiered yet on TV. I like hearing the truth about the girls from the guys perspective. And I really like how Steve, the matchmaker, seems to be able to genuinely pinpoint the underlying issues each of the women have. At the same time I am constantly creeped out by how young/good looking he is and how these women will all do whatever he says. Its kinda like he has his own harem and he is coaching all of them to be perfect in his eyes. Is this guy really the relationship god? How is HE is relationships? The power dynamic grosses me out. 

Not only that, but unique women need unique men. Aside from learning some social graces, these women simply aren't going to be a match with any guy in the room. 

I see a similarity in between these women and myself. They want to be coached on how to be more effective in dating but at the same time, they know who they are and they don't want to give that up. 

Does anyone else feel that on order to date appropriately, they have to give up a little of their personality, especially if they are a particularly unique individual?

I can't make up my mind if following the dating "rules" is just good manners or if it is some sort of deception. Because if I am just my self from the beginning, I'll eliminate all the men who can't handle me right up front. 

Which is what I have been very effectively doing. 

The difference between me and the women on this show is that I am OK with it.

Singlutionary's New BFF

So I went and wrote a personals add for a new BFF: Singlutionary's New BFF. Kinda like Paris Hilton's New BFF except that I want: a man, a grown up, someone who likes trees and rocks and nature, has no boobs and might be interested in some physical affection. But the friendship comes first. I am following in the same vein as the blog I wrote about wanting to sleep with the Libertarian. 

Bosslady told me that the BFFs with benefits is what EVERY guy wants. She also told me that struggling to find peers and make new friends is one of those "welcome to adulthood" things. This was further reinforced when I went on CL to do some research and I found very few posts that were written in grade-7-or-above English much less someone I could really be friends with. 

So, I decided to post my own and see what happened.

I've had 10 responses in 5 hours! Most of which are either illiterate or creepy. Almost all of which are HILARIOUS!  I wish I could post some of the responses here but lets just say that one of the incredibly illiterate ones was written by an elementary school teacher who seemed very upset that some folks can't swim when he takes them out on his boat. I was disturbed that this gent is a TEACHER! 

Then there was a guy who wanted to take a hike on an "obscure" trail. Bosslady told me he might kill me and bury my body in the woods. 

The BEST one so far is addressed to: My Lovely Lady Lumps. It waxes on for eight paragraphs about a whole lot of nothing including the lad's former pot-smoking habits concluding that: "As long as you're not some puritanical bud-hater, we'll be fine."

I love Craigslist! This is the best entertainment I've had all week!

On a Whim or The Singlution is Catching

The Bachelor (if you hate this show as much as I do, you can skip this part)

1. I don't usually watch TV but today I went over to my bosslady's house and she was watching The Bachelor: After the Rose. I was incensed. Basically, Jason (the Bachelor) breaks off his engagement to Melissa and then turns around and tells the other girl, Molly, who he dumped 6 weeks ago that he is in love with her. The crazy crazy thing is that this same exact scenario just happened to me this past year in REAL LIFE. And the guy's name was Jason. And the other girl's name was Melissa. My name is not Molly but close enough. Anyways, I didn't take him back (my reaction was more like Melissa's).

2. Singles (especially singles over 25) seem to be perceived as people who can't settle down, commit or make up their minds. For some reason, people who are satisfied, Singlutionary-style singles get this bad wrap even worse. If you're desperately seeking company you're at least TRYING to be "normal" (coupled) but if you're solidly single then there is something wrong with you. 

3. Jason and Molly are desperate daters. I think anyone who tries to find love on a reality TV show is a desperate dater. Sorry. But Kudos to Melissa for telling Jason to get out of her life. I hope she sticks to it and spends time figuring out how fantastic she is so that she never ever ever dates a flakey ass man like that again. If she were really a desperate dater she would sit around pining away for him, wasting her time and her life, hoping that he will come back to her. Melissa, welcome to the Singlution!!

I've Decided to Take a Break from My Acting "Career"

1. Sometimes I wonder if I am a flake myself. Last year at about this time I decided to quit real estate to pursue acting full time but I am so sick of acting and the acting world and all the crap that comes along with being an actor that I am ready for a nice long break. I want to change my hair whenever I want without worrying about shooting schedules or keeping my headshots up-to-date. I want to go around without any makeup on and not care. I want to not have to think about my "image" in general. And, most importantly, I want a nice normal schedule that doesn't get jacked up all the time by annoying auditions.

2. I think that some people might think I live my life on a whim but this decision (like the real estate one) was long in coming. It seems that I do the right thing but always at the very worst time. I went into real estate right as the market crashed and I went into acting just as all the movies abandoned my state for greener pastures. 

3. I wonder if its easier to make these decisions because I am single. I used to wish that I were coupled because I thought that I would a) have support in making tough decisions, b) someone to discuss these difficult things with, c) financial support when my money-life changed and d) something/one to focus my energies on when everything else falls apart. But many of these things are really fallacies. Making a decision in a relationship could be so much harder because of how it impacts the relationship or because of how one person or the other PERCEIVES that it will impact the relationship. And because of the wonderful network of social support all around me, I have support in my decisions, people to discuss the rough patches with and people to write letters to when everything is going to hell in the handbasket. 

4. What will I fill my life with in the absence of acting? Well, its already full which is part of the reason that I need a break! I have my bosslady, I have this blog, I have my house and my dog. (Gross, that just rhymed!) I have a ton of projects on the back burner and there are some things I have been longing to do for a while now: learning to shoot, learning other languages, swimming, getting into shape, camping again, visiting my west coast homeland and various other travels, writing a book and a movie and a short movie and another book, recreational singing, finally planting a garden and keeping it alive, etc. 

I'm not a Desperate Actor

(This is the moral of the story.)

This whole Singlutionary concept is starting to seep into other parts of my life. As an actor I've pretty much been willing to do any project at any time. And in a way, this is expected of actors. I am saying "hell no" to that. Sorry. Just because I am not famous doesn't mean that I HAVE to accept an audition for something that I find disgusting (and I find most things disgusting). It also doesn't mean that I have to re-arrange my schedule and risk my sleep/health to go to an audition or be on set. And I most certainly refuse to look like a fancypants skinny bitch all the time. I just want to be myself and live life on my own terms. So I am taking a break to figure out how I can be an Actorlutionary. I know its possible but its going to take a few small adjustments in my outlook. 

Is there any other part of your life where Singlutionary principles of non-desperation apply? How does the Singlution seep out into other parts of your life?

Singlution Stuckers

I know that I am a self-professed know-it-all when it comes to being single! But there are a few things which I can't seem to work out. There are some places where, for me, the Singlution still gets stuck!

1. Sex. I can't do it alone. Well, I most definitely CAN do it alone (and I do) but having an orgasm isn't the same as sharing an intimate sexual connection with another person. Orgasms are a dime a dozen but intimate sexual connections seem more and more scarce especially as I get older and more selective about my mates.

2. Dates. I love being single and I am satisfied with my life. So why then am I dating? Dating is alternately annoying/brutal/exhausting and exciting/fun. Basically, I want to meet new people and establish new relationships but I don't want them to take over my life. So should I be dating at all? Or should I just be joining civic leagues and hanging out on meetup.com for plutonic relationships? Am I really just looking for sex but calling it dating?

I'm not sure. All I know is that yesterday's date gave me a big ole flare up of the hornies. And there is a big part of me that wishes the the following scenario were totally socially acceptable in our mainstream culture and uncomplicated both romantically and morally:

I call up the dude from yesterday and I say:

Hey. I would love love love to get to know you better but I also know that I am most likely not what you're looking for. You're looking for a future wife who is most likely less rebellious than me and more family oriented than me and who wants to breed and will get all excited about being preggers and squeezing your baby out of her vagina. That isn't me. But I like you. I think you are a wonderful person with an open mind and a giving spirit and you also have a voice and a vibe that totally turns me on. So I'd like to propose that we respectfully and joyfully share each other's company and bodies for a while until you find that non-rebellious breeder to marry at which point we can bittersweetly go separate ways.

I really wish it were that simple. But since I seem to now be attracted to slightly conservative guys over 30 who work a lot, I just don't see my proposal working out. 

So for now, I'm sticking with my sexless stuck-ness and I'll ride out my dating wave until my membership expires.

Sexual Attraction

I suck at it. 

I went on another date tonight with a perfectly suitable man. He was nice and fun and I felt like I didn't offend him too much with my sense of humor or with my language. He carried the conversation well, was considerate and polite and generally wonderful. And I wasn't attracted to him. Not in the least. He, like the hot doctor, is a "good catch" and a good person and not bad looking to boot. He could be my new friend and we could do stuff together but I do not want to hump him. Not even in the future. I feel this way about all the guys that I've emailed on match.com. 

Which bring me back to this: My original purpose on match.com was to research the kind of person I want in my life and the kind of person I am attracted to (physically and in the law-of-attraction kind of way).

In the law-of-attraction kind of way, I am attracted to sane stable people who are a little bit unusual. 

In the sexual attraction kind of way, I am attracted to idiots and psychos. 

Before I started this blog, I had pretty much exclusively dated idiots, psychos and freeloaders. Now, I can safely say that I have dated nice guys. 

And I know for sure that I am no longer a desperate dater!

But the person I am attracted to most is still myself. I just haven't met anyone who I a) want to hump and b) is a tiny bit awesome-er than me. 

Either I am totally self involved to the point of becoming a psycho idiot myself OR I am finally living my real life and loving it! And I don't need anyone to lead the way or pay the bills or even to bump nasties with. 

*Its just so hard to be co-dependent when you're as competent as I am!*

Singlutionary Self (and my thoughts on dating)

I think I'm done with online dating. Online dating requires two qualities which I currently do not possess: 1) patience and 2) desperation.

I am not willing to sit around waiting for the right guy to become a member and to find me and to invite me on a wonderful date and to fall in love with me. I have way more important things to do. I have way more important things to think about. And I am sick of wasting my time sorting through pages and pages of "laid back" guys only to find an ambitious guy only to find out that he is either a) a bible thumper or b) a big breeder who wants a wife who will be adopted into his huge family and raise and birth his 30 children. I would rather sit on the toilet waiting for a big turd to come out than sit on the computer waiting for a man who ISN'T a big turd to ask me out. 

Online dating (or dating at all for that mater) is great for women who want a laid back bible thumper family oriented guy. Unfortunately, that is not me. I require my own special dating website for all the non-stoner, non-bible-thumping (yet spiritual/religious), non breeding, ambitious types.

So I lack patience. That much is obvious.

I also lack desperation (for the first time in my life) so the way I went about this process was very selective. I winked at guys but I didn't initiate emails. I quit emailing men if it looked like they would never ask me out or if they asked me out in a way that was flakey and not on a real date. I quit emailing guys if they failed to ask a question in the email. And I never responded to an email that struck me as icky in any way. Sometimes it was a matter of spelling and grammar. Sometimes it was a matter of subject or tone. 

In other words. I am picky. 

There is still this little voice coming from a closet in the back of my head which says "if you don't quit being so picky, you'll never be in a relationship" or "you need to be more open to the possibilities". These voices are tired because they have been shouting at me for 15 years. 

I have no desire to lower my standards to find my match. In fact, I would prefer that I continue to learn and grow as a person and that I hold myself to an increasingly higher standard. I believe that THIS (developing an excellent relationship with myself) will attract the right people (romantic and otherwise) into my life much faster than going out with a lousy speller/wishy-washy-dater.

I went online to research the kind of person I want to be in a relationship with. I didn't find him. But I did realize many things about myself and the kind of person I want in a relationship. I also realized that the man of my dreams is so unique that only some kind of crazy god would be able to find a way to bring us together. 

So I am giving up on online dating but I am also investing my time into building a better me. And I do so with the faith that everything I do in my life is leading me closer to my true self which is also, at the same time, bringing me closer to my true match and my truest friends. 

Practicing Singlutionary Dating

I started out on match.com a couple days ago so that I could look at available men and refine my idea of what I want. I realized that I've changed so much since becoming the Singlutionary that what I THOUGHT I wanted in a man (or in a friend or in any person central in my life) has changed too. I just don't know what the new vision is. 

But online dating has been so FUN that I am going to continue and even pay for it. My 20 bucks a month is money well spent if it can help me refine and define what kind of person I want to welcome into my world and how I go about interacting with potential dates. 

Unlike dating in the past, I don't feel that sense of dread or angst or need. I no longer feel like I am going to be so depressed if the hot Republican (yes, I said Republican) doesn't respond to my "wink". This is merely a process of getting to know myself better, to observe what kind of man I attract and what kind of man I am attracted to. And if I go on some dates and meet some cool guys or even fall in love in the process, well, heck. That is just the jalapeno on the taco!

Craving the Taste of My Own Singlution

Oh my gosh you guys. I need the Singlutionary right now to set me straight. The only problem is that I AM the Singlutionary and I am so confused.

I made out with this super nice guy. I don't want to marry him or anything but I really enjoyed it. I like him. It was a nice change. 

So what is the problem?

I don't like feeling like this. All girly. All butterflies and rainbows and fireflies and fairies and stuff. 

Barf. Barf. Barf.

But if I were still in Singlution mode and not all hijacked by emotion/long forgotten hormones I would say:

Lady. Just chill the heck out. Yes. Its fine. Go on and enjoy this experience. Enjoy the nice makeout session with the guy with the _____________________ (I can not reveal what I most personally enjoyed about making out with him cause this is the INTERNETS).  And after you've enjoyed it put it into a file drawer for later. Like a sales call. Forget about it. And then if he calls you, he calls you. Just because he calls you doesn't mean ANYTHING. If you make out again, that is nice. You are a grown woman and you deserve to kiss an attractive lad every now and again. But just enjoy the moment. Quit thinking about the future. There is no conflict here. Keep living your life and I guarantee you that this guy with the __________________ will keep on living his. Maybe you will keep each other company in the middle for a while. Maybe you won't. The most important thing is that you keep on traveling in whatever direction you were headed. If its meant to be, he'll be on the same train.

Singlutionary says: chill out and choo-choo!

Tool Academy

One of my roommates hooked us up with magic cable. I've rarely lived in a house with cable so it sucks me in pretty easily.

I have a creepy love for gross dating shows. So I was watching Vh1's Rock of Love. It was this fabulous episode where one of the girls busts a boob playing hockey. And then that girl takes all the dirty hockey socks out of the locker. Or maybe it was another blonde girl who's boobs weren't leaking. I honestly have a hard time telling the girls apart. Anyways. Yes. I admit. I watched this garbage.

But that was just a ho-ho appetizer. The main course was a show called Tool Academy. I though this might have something to do with fixing up your house or your car or nifty gadgets or even how to use tools if you are a total idiot. Nope. Its about really really awful guys who have no sense of decency of any kind and their sad desperate dating, wah-wah-waiting girlfriends.

These "tools" are so lousy to their girlfriends that I can only ask: Why are these girls still with them? How much proof do you need that the guy is a total jerk before you dump him? Is "love" really worth all of this?

The "tools" are being tested and must improve or they'll be kicked out of the Tool Academy. On this particular episode it turns out that one Tool had two girlfriends and he swaps the out the one he came to Tool University with for the one who just showed up.

This guy was NOT the one who was eliminated.

Please PEOPLE (men and women)! If you are dating someone who treats you like this and who isn't making you life better and you aren't even MARRIED, do yourself a favor and turn around and run straight in the other direction. It is not going to get better! You are most likely dating a sociopath.

The most disturbing thing to me about this show isn't how awful the guys are (obviously they aren't really interested in being in a serious relationship and their sense of identity is based on some sort of misplaced machoism) but that these women are so intent on sticking by them.

Singlutionary says: No tools for me (unless we're talking power drills and ratchets). 

The Singlution on Craigslist

There are a lot of really desperate daters on craigslist. I am truly impressed not only by the quantity of people looking for love but the quantity of people just looking for SOMETHING. Here is my very own post to craigslist personals:

Gas + Laughter = Love (W4M)

I am looking for someone who takes as much delight in farting-while-laughing as I do. It is such a joyful feeling to laugh from both ends at the same time. I'll have to admit that on the rare occasion that I find myself flatulaughing, I am usually so delighted by the experience that I continue to giggle for days just at the mere thought of it. 

Is there anyone out there who feels the same way? 

I imagine us sitting around laughing and (hopefully) simultaneously and spontaneously farting which will only make us laugh harder. We'll see where things go from there.

My last boyfriend would leave the room whenever I would flatulaugh which really hurt my feelings. I am not sure if he lacked a sense of humor or if he was intimidated by my exuberant windiness. 

I am a S(mostly W)F. I am not looking for a LTR, just a flatulaugh friend or two (I am open to polyflatulaughamy). I am DDF, fit and healthy (I enjoy a diet of beans, cheese and raw vegetables). 

Singled Out: Coupled at the Hip

Even if you're a solidly, non-desperately satisfied single, there are some things which can be irritating. They usually have to do with interacting with couples.

I am not here to hate on couples or anything. The Singlution is STILL for everyone.

I'm just here to offer some guidelines for both single and coupled individuals to live in harmony.

To the Single People: 

Do you have a friend/relative/co-worker/other (FRCO) who for whatever reason can't be out of sight of his/her spouse/partner/bfriend/gfriend (SPBG) for more than 2 minutes? Does he/she want YOU to do EVERYTHING with the TWO of them? Is his/her SPBG annoying/boring/stinky/a conversation dominator? Does your FRCO invite you over for what you think is some friendly bonding time only to give you the bonding performance of a lifetime with her SPBG?

This situation seems to be one of those things that maddens single people and coupled people are just clueless about. Single people: you are not alone. This behavior his totally gross. Of course, you may have done it yourself at some point in your life and heck, you may even fall prey to it later in your life to torture your then spinster/sadbatchelor friends. Maybe you'll see it as paying forward the revenge.

Regardless, here are some suggestions on how to handle these kinds of situations:

1. Go on vacation from the friendship for about 2.5 years or the breakup (whichever comes first)

2. Counter each invitation with an offer to attend a spouse/parter/bfriend/girlfriend FREE event. e.g. girls/boys night out, an activity which you KNOW that the SPBG will be utterly repulsed by (although be careful. this can really backfire. and you'll end up backpacking with a SPBG in a miniskirt and platform hiking boots).

3. Tell your friend/relative/co-worker/other how you really feel (which brings us back to #1).

4. Bring a video camera, edit out all the boring parts and post the offensive ones in a comment!

To the Coupled People:

Are you so deeply in love that you can't see straight? Do you feel like you can't breathe when your lover/soulmate/husband/wife/fiancee (LSHWF) leaves the room? Do you want to spend every waking moment in his/her arms? Can you not imagine going a single day without seeing him/her? Do you NEED him to attend the baby shower or to give her a goodbye kiss before going to the bathroom?

I am so happy for you that you have found the love of your life. Learning and growing with another person is a wonderful, priceless thing and I wish you well in your life together. Now that you have found your one true love with whom you will spend all eternity its time to remember that other people exist in your life! Its important because although you may be spending eternity with your soul mate, in this life you may need some support from folks other than your LSHWF. What is something happens to your LSHWF? It will be so absolutely awful for you that you will NEED people to help you through that. So, for your own sake, please maintain the other relationships in your life even if being away from your LSHWF makes you ache from head to toe and you feel nauseous and break out into a cold sweat. You can survive a 45 minute lunch date with a friend/relative/coworker/other (FRCO). You can do it!

Here are some suggestions of easy ways to keep up with those other people in your life:

1. Assign one night a week (not Friday or Saturday of COURSE) to get together with a FRCO and actually do it and make sure your sweetie has a FRCO to get together also but NOT on a double date. The 1.5 hour absence will make your heart only grow fonder.

2. Email all your FRCOs from a computer snuggle with your sweetie but tell them about ANYTHING other than how much you love your LSHWF even if its about how badly you have to pee (but leave off the part about how you can't pee because you can't stand to untangle yourself from your LSHWF's arms).

3. Take advantage of the time that your LSHWF is on the pot with a super stinky turd to start calling up that long long long list of unreturned phone calls. You might want to start just by checking your voicemail.

4. Kill a lot of burdens with one stone and plan twin parties for you and your LSHWF. For the first two hours you will be with all your friends at one location and your LSHWF will be with all his/her friends at another location. Afterwards you can join the parties together. Just like a liberal bachelor/bachelorette party. 

Commitment Issues

Single people are often thought to have "commitment issues" especially when, like me, they find themselves to be ALWAYS single.

*I am waiting for my baked potato to bake so this will be brief (kinda).*

This was driven home to me  a couple years ago at the strangest place: my workplace. I had a rather annoying co-worker who was a total performer, an actor to be exact. I know a lot of actors cause, well, I am one too. But most of them annoy me at least a little mainly 'cause they always need to be the center of attention. (If you happen to be a dear actor friend reading this blog, you must know that this does not pertain to you.)

So this actor/co-worker (at one of my gazillion dayjobs) wanted me to take a very specific acting class which was so totally awesome mainly cause it was taught by his friend and mainly cause he was in it and that mere fact totally raised the caliber of talent in the class and I could learn so much from such a deep serious acting experience with such talented peers.

So, I asked him some questions about the class and I considered it. But then I decided that between all the other things I was doing, I was in no shape to commit to taking a class which I didn't have the time to attend and which I didn't have the money to pay for and which might annoy the boogers out of me.

So I told him: "Thank you very much but now is not the right time."

And he wouldn't let up. And I keep saying "no". Finally, he asks me the question I had been asking myself every night for the past 5 years: "Do you have commitment issues?"

This comment was meant to humiliate me into committing to taking the class. 

Unfortunately for Mr. Annoying Actorpants, I was so pissed off that I replied with full force hostility: "Yes. I totally do!" and I walked off into the sunset. I am sure he heard my "subtext" loud and clear, which in that moment was: "Eff-off, you annoying arrogant actorish acting ass!"

But I was pissed off for the rest of the night.

Because for an actor, it is imperative NOT to have commitment issues. Actors essentially live the lives and the moments of other people. In order to this effectively, one must commit 100% to the circumstances and to the character. So, if I'm in a scene where I just found out that my husband is cheating on me, I have to commit 100% to the fact that I am a woman who has been married for this many years and I feel this oh-so-specific-way about my husband, etc, etc, etc. I can't be half in the scene and half myself, thinking about my delicious baked potato or my preposterous speeding ticket. 

But at that moment in my life, I was thinking: "Oh my gosh. This douche nozzle is right. I do have commitment issues and now they are so bad that not only can I not stay in a relationship for more than three months, but I also am doomed to be a crappy actor for the rest of my life. A lonely, crappy actor! Poor me. Poor me. Wahhhhhhhhahhhhhahhhhh."

*I have heard that baked potatos are just as bad for you as eating ice cream.*

Anyways. Back to commitment. Right.

For months this conversation with Annoying Actor haunted me. I decided to, poor me, accept that I did, in fact, have commitment issues and that I needed to work on them. But I didn't know where to begin. I was too busy committing to a lunch date or to a friendship or to a visit or to planning an event or leading a group or adopting a dog or buying a house. 

And then it struck me. I am so freaking good at committing! I am a badass committer. If anything, I overcommit. I commit to people, to projects, to dogs, to trees, to cellphone plans.

Yeah. 

And the truth is that the most important thing to do as a single person or a coupled person or any kind of person is to commit to living the life you are already living. If you're single, commit to living the single life that you are in and commit to doing it 100%. If you are married, commit to the life you are living and do it 100%.

In other words, make the life that you have badass.

Single people do a lot of waiting around, thinking that they can't go out and have fun or they can't buy a house or they can't have rockin' sexy undergarments cause they're not in a relationship. Ladies, how many of you out there don't splurge on hecka cute bra and panty sets cause you think its a waste cause "nobody" will appreciate 'em. Do NOT call yourself a nobody!

Once I committed to being single and let it all in with all my fears and reservations, etc, I started LIVING. And living is in no way preventing me from being in a relationship at some future juncture. It is, however, preventing me from being in a relationship with the wrong person just so that someone (besides myself) can appreciate the skimpies I spent a small fortune on. (If you really need someone else to appreciate your skimpies, just go post pictures of 'em on craigslist. Trust me, someone out there will appreciate it a whole lot. Not that I know, first hand, mind you. I am just wise in the ways of craigslist.)

*OK. I have eaten my potato and this post and my waistline have both gotten much larger than previously predicted*

So all skimpies aside. If you're single, stop waiting. Just start going about doing the things that you want to do. Invest your time in committing to things that matter to you. I've committed my time to this blog, to my career(s), to my many wonderful and rewarding friendships. And I am no worse off by it. 

And if you're dead set thinking that the only thing for you in life is to get married and produce offspring, well, that is totally OK. Just commit to doing something you like also. Maybe it's related to marriage (hey! you could be like J.Lo and become a Wedding Planner). 

Regardless, if you commit to yourself, you're well on your way to a happy ending.