How to Be Alone

This video speaks for itself. I want to make art like this -- although mine would be wild & irreverent where this is beautiful and comforting:

http://www.wimp.com/howalone/

Thank you to Akirah Watt at Quarter Life Lady for finding this gem of love and inspiration

Making Room

The next blog is gonna be about going to bed.

Some of my days are super long and some are super short. Today was one of those days that felt super short. I had a short list of things to do and instead ended up doing a zillion other things which were more important and which took a long time. Overall I had a great day except I was so busy doing it that I can't remember where it went.

I realize that this past week, I have had no extra space in my life. I've gotten up early and gone to bed late and in between I was figuring out one thing or another all day long. Still, I am grateful that my life is flexible enough that I can skip the short list and re-prioritize so that I can do the things which need to be done in the moment. If I still worked a 9-5 type job, I might not be as able to do this. If I had children, I might not be able to do this. And if I were in a relationship, I might not be able to BE this busy and decide to throw myself so much into doing what needs to be done because I would have a whole other person to consider.

There are weeks like this in everyone's lives. Parents of young children might have it the worst (or the best depending who you're talking to) in this regard. Still, whether you're single or coupled there are days, weeks, months and sometimes even years which are so packed full of living that they are hard to recollect when they are all over.

Even things which we don't give much credence to in our culture (like taking a nice healthy turd or cleaning the toilet) take up space.

So if you're newly single remember this: the empty space where your spouse/partner/lover once stood is merely an opening for a new and potentially exponentially more wonderful relationship (and who knows, that relationship might just end up being, at first, with yourself).

If you've chronically single (and sick of it) remember this: We all make space for things and at the same time deny space for other things. Pay attention to what you are permitting into your blank space and what you are rejecting. 

If you're a desperate dater, remember this: Do not allow someone who want to be "just friends" (but then wants to flirt with you until your cooter/weewee aches) to take up all your time. You are allowing an annoying -selfish-shallow-self-involved hussy/douche to take up your space. Keep that space free and clear for the person of your dreams. 

If you are a pitiful piner, remember this: Fill that sad sad sad empty space with something you'd like to do once you're no longer single. Take a step towards the life you want instead of gazing at it from the distance. Hold your own hand and pull your face into the sun and then play tonsil hockey with the sky. Or something like that. But do something in the direction of your fantasy even if it makes you feel *gasp* a little satisfied with being by yourself or *double gasp* with a friend.

And if you're coupled, remember this:

Dude. I am the Singlutionary. I am in no way qualified to give advice to coupled people. Maybe the purple turtle will chime in.

Newly Single

I know that not everyone is an expert at being single like me. Because I am so solidly single, I am the person newly single people call to find out how I "survive" my single life. They have a lot of questions. There are many folks out there who have been in a relationship for their entire adult lives and then one day *poof* they are single again. (Of course, it isn't really as simple as a *poof* its more like a long journey thorough hell but I like thinking about fairy-single-mothers granting people freedom from really awful relationships with a *poof*. Its fun! Try it.)

They want to know what I do about sex (woah. another blog entirely!)

They want to know if I am lonely

They want to know how I pay the bills

They want to know how to find a roommate

They want to know how to quit pining away

They want to know how to start dating

They want to know how to be happy again

They want to know how to figure out who they are

One time, a newly single person said something to me which really hurt my feelings but I think it sums up the newly single experience.

She said: I'm used to waking up next to someone every morning. Its a very comforting feeling to wake up next to the same person every morning and now I wake up alone. But you wouldn't know what that is like, would you?

In a way, it is easier for me to have been always single than someone who has lived many years of their life with someone. I've had my breakups but relationships I've had have never lasted long enough for me to be comfortable or comforted. I've always been on my own. 

The best thing that I can say to newly single people is this: 

This is the hardest part right now. With each step you make, things will only get better. For the first time in a long time (or maybe EVER) you can focus entirely on yourself and what you want. The more overwhelmed you feel by trying to figure out who you are and what you want for life, the more potential your life holds. 

Being single is not something which must be endured anymore than being coupled is something which must be endured. Being single is merely a different experience than the coupled one. And single people are not ALONE! Even if your whole life was so wrapped up in your ex that you abandoned all your support networks, there are still people who will support you now! They may be old friends or they may be new ones. They may be your third cousin twice removed. Love and support is out there and all you have to do is ask for it. There are still new and wonderful friendships to forge. There are still many many many opportunities to live and love and be loved!

Single life is not a life void of love or joy or even cuddles. Single life can be pretty much be whatever you want it to be.

Got a burning question about being single? Ask it!

Commitment Issues

Single people are often thought to have "commitment issues" especially when, like me, they find themselves to be ALWAYS single.

*I am waiting for my baked potato to bake so this will be brief (kinda).*

This was driven home to me  a couple years ago at the strangest place: my workplace. I had a rather annoying co-worker who was a total performer, an actor to be exact. I know a lot of actors cause, well, I am one too. But most of them annoy me at least a little mainly 'cause they always need to be the center of attention. (If you happen to be a dear actor friend reading this blog, you must know that this does not pertain to you.)

So this actor/co-worker (at one of my gazillion dayjobs) wanted me to take a very specific acting class which was so totally awesome mainly cause it was taught by his friend and mainly cause he was in it and that mere fact totally raised the caliber of talent in the class and I could learn so much from such a deep serious acting experience with such talented peers.

So, I asked him some questions about the class and I considered it. But then I decided that between all the other things I was doing, I was in no shape to commit to taking a class which I didn't have the time to attend and which I didn't have the money to pay for and which might annoy the boogers out of me.

So I told him: "Thank you very much but now is not the right time."

And he wouldn't let up. And I keep saying "no". Finally, he asks me the question I had been asking myself every night for the past 5 years: "Do you have commitment issues?"

This comment was meant to humiliate me into committing to taking the class. 

Unfortunately for Mr. Annoying Actorpants, I was so pissed off that I replied with full force hostility: "Yes. I totally do!" and I walked off into the sunset. I am sure he heard my "subtext" loud and clear, which in that moment was: "Eff-off, you annoying arrogant actorish acting ass!"

But I was pissed off for the rest of the night.

Because for an actor, it is imperative NOT to have commitment issues. Actors essentially live the lives and the moments of other people. In order to this effectively, one must commit 100% to the circumstances and to the character. So, if I'm in a scene where I just found out that my husband is cheating on me, I have to commit 100% to the fact that I am a woman who has been married for this many years and I feel this oh-so-specific-way about my husband, etc, etc, etc. I can't be half in the scene and half myself, thinking about my delicious baked potato or my preposterous speeding ticket. 

But at that moment in my life, I was thinking: "Oh my gosh. This douche nozzle is right. I do have commitment issues and now they are so bad that not only can I not stay in a relationship for more than three months, but I also am doomed to be a crappy actor for the rest of my life. A lonely, crappy actor! Poor me. Poor me. Wahhhhhhhhahhhhhahhhhh."

*I have heard that baked potatos are just as bad for you as eating ice cream.*

Anyways. Back to commitment. Right.

For months this conversation with Annoying Actor haunted me. I decided to, poor me, accept that I did, in fact, have commitment issues and that I needed to work on them. But I didn't know where to begin. I was too busy committing to a lunch date or to a friendship or to a visit or to planning an event or leading a group or adopting a dog or buying a house. 

And then it struck me. I am so freaking good at committing! I am a badass committer. If anything, I overcommit. I commit to people, to projects, to dogs, to trees, to cellphone plans.

Yeah. 

And the truth is that the most important thing to do as a single person or a coupled person or any kind of person is to commit to living the life you are already living. If you're single, commit to living the single life that you are in and commit to doing it 100%. If you are married, commit to the life you are living and do it 100%.

In other words, make the life that you have badass.

Single people do a lot of waiting around, thinking that they can't go out and have fun or they can't buy a house or they can't have rockin' sexy undergarments cause they're not in a relationship. Ladies, how many of you out there don't splurge on hecka cute bra and panty sets cause you think its a waste cause "nobody" will appreciate 'em. Do NOT call yourself a nobody!

Once I committed to being single and let it all in with all my fears and reservations, etc, I started LIVING. And living is in no way preventing me from being in a relationship at some future juncture. It is, however, preventing me from being in a relationship with the wrong person just so that someone (besides myself) can appreciate the skimpies I spent a small fortune on. (If you really need someone else to appreciate your skimpies, just go post pictures of 'em on craigslist. Trust me, someone out there will appreciate it a whole lot. Not that I know, first hand, mind you. I am just wise in the ways of craigslist.)

*OK. I have eaten my potato and this post and my waistline have both gotten much larger than previously predicted*

So all skimpies aside. If you're single, stop waiting. Just start going about doing the things that you want to do. Invest your time in committing to things that matter to you. I've committed my time to this blog, to my career(s), to my many wonderful and rewarding friendships. And I am no worse off by it. 

And if you're dead set thinking that the only thing for you in life is to get married and produce offspring, well, that is totally OK. Just commit to doing something you like also. Maybe it's related to marriage (hey! you could be like J.Lo and become a Wedding Planner). 

Regardless, if you commit to yourself, you're well on your way to a happy ending. 

 

Feeling Lonely? Meetup!

Three years ago I moved to a new city where I knew nobody at all. This was perhaps the most brave thing I had done in my life up until then. At the time, I didn't know how hard it would be to re-establish myself without any connections or how much I had taken for granted back home. 

But my bravery was rewarded and three years later I find myself with wonderful friends and part of excellent, supportive communities. (I am not in contact with one single guy I dated in the past three years, however.)

I now encounter, on a regular basis, other people moving here with few or no contacts. They are giving themselves a fresh start, getting a new job or chasing a dream just like I was (well, except the job part).

One of the easiest ways to get started in a new city (it does help to be in a city and not in the middle of nowhere) it to join meetup.com

Even if you've been in the same place for forever but you still find yourself with empty social time where you sit around feeling sorry for yourself, this is a great thing.

How it works:

You don't have to join to search. You enter your zip code or city and search for meetup groups by topic or actual events by date. 

Each meetup is led by a regular person (I used to lead one in my fair city and you could lead one too) who posts events and then members of that group get an email and can RSVP for the event. If you find a group that interests you and you find an event that works with your schedule and you actually show up, you'll meet other folks who are there to meet other folks and you already know that you have something in common. 

This is not a website for singles (although some groups are for singles or geared towards singles) but many of the events attract singles because they have the time and are looking to do something social and meet new people. 

My experience with meetup has been excellent. The larger groups have excellent turnout to their events so you know that you'll find someone cool to talk to. Also, meetup doesn't seem to attract the freaks so much. 

In todays day and age, unless you are part of a vibrant church or political community, you might find yourself alone on Saturday night. Don't pine away! Meetup!

I meetup-ed some cities for examples:

So if you live in, say, Bozeman, Montana (kinda sorta the middle of nowhere) there are 4 meetup groups you could join (Divorcees, Athiests, Ron Paulers and a Playgroup). Hopefully one of them floats your boat. OK. That was a horrible example. Apparently if you live in Bozeman, meetup is an awful suggestion and the best advice I can give you is to move to a bigger city.

How about Madison, Wisconsin? There are 83 meetups in Madison. So if you live in Bozeman, you might want to get a uhaul and head east.