Date with Myself

I'm pretty sure that I've written before about friend dates and dating oneself, etc.

I've been dating lately. I've only been on a few dates though because between volunteer meetings and family home evening and scuba diving and grad school and friend's bday parties and working, I don't have a lot of nights free. This means that I often can't make a date for weeks at a time. Men either have to be willing to wait it out because they're so into me or because they have no other social prospects. I'm not sure which.

Despite only being on a few dates, I am tired of this dating thing already. Not because its been a bad experience but because I miss having nights to myself. And because after a while every man seems like the same man and I can't keep track of them unless I name them after their religion, political affiliation or profession (whichever stands out more). Apparently only atheists with PhDs ask me out these days which makes it real hard to tell them apart.

While this post might be a heck of a lot funnier if it were a dating post, it isn't.

Well. Maybe it is.

Because I am going to start dating this blog.

One thing that often falls to the wayside are my various writing projects. They don't have externally imposed deadlines and so far, writing doesn't pay the bills. So I never have time to write. But I love it, I need it, it makes me feel happy and satisfied. Just like a good date or a good meal or a good roll in the hay.

So now, my suitors will have to line up for even longer because I've just taken another date night out of circulation. My Friday nights will be spent with Singlutionary.

Of course, I still have to finish out the next two dates. Oh. It is so exhausting. And of course if a really great prospect comes along, I'll go out with him on a Friday night and skip my Singlutionary date that week. I've got to balance real life with online life.

But, once again, this raises the bar. I won't give up Singlutionary night to go out with some bozo that I know I'm not interested in.

Not that I would anyways. But there was a day when I would have.

So the point is: Check back here on Saturday morning with your cup of Singlutionary coffee.

And if there isn't anything new, well, you know there is a big story coming the next week!

Working Relationship

As my match.com experiment is coming to a close, I realize that I have learned quite a bit from dating. It wasn't anything I didn't already know but dating allowed me to put into practice my newfound standards, boundaries and ideals. I'm happy to say that I am no longer a desperate dater and I now have the experience and newfound confidence to prove it.

This freedom from desperate dating comes from knowing myself and enjoying my life. Its a lot harder to compromise myself into oblivion when I already love the life I am living. If a date doesn't call me I don't sit around thinking about all the things I might change about myself so that I would be more acceptable or attractive, I just shrug my shoulders and go look at the pumpkin vine in my backyard and marvel at how fast it is growing. I no longer expect first dates to lead to second dates which then lead to happily-ever-after. In fact, I don't expect some knight in shining armor to walk into my life, be perfectly compatible with me and sweep me off my feet. I'm just not worried about it.

Plus, its hard to sweep me off my feet without a struggle. I don't want to ride off into the sunset. I want to watch my garden grow and harvest the vegetables and carve jack-o-lanterns. I have roots and I have dreams and I'm not particularly keen on being carried off on a horse so that I can clean someone else's stables. 

I'm unwilling to give up the good things about myself in order to please or appease another person.

Lately, I'm having a parallel revelation in regards to my (nonexistent) acting career. I've spent so much time trying to be acceptable and marketable that I have totally forgotten who I am as an actor. I don't even enjoy acting. I don't even remember what good acting feels like. All I do is try and figure out what the agent, casting director, coach, client wants me to be. 

No wonder it isn't working out.

Just like any relationship-gone-wrong, I went into acting for love. I loved the way I felt when I was acting, I loved telling stories and I loved the way movies are made. I loved the collaboration and the project-centered work and I thought I had something to contribute. And I most likely did and I most certainly still do. 

But then came the advice. Relationships and acting are two things that everyone seems to unreservedly give advice on even if they suck at them themselves (look at me and all the relationship advice I give, for example)! Here is some of the advice I would constantly get as an actor: Why don't you change your image? Have nice nails, get a good haircut, look more asian, wear brighter colors, be skinny. Why don't you work on your audition technique? Don't blink too much, be confident, be relaxed, learn to speak with accents, learn to cheerlead, learn to ride a horse, learn martial arts. Why don't you: move there or move here or attend this function or that function or talk to this cousin of mine or that friend of my sister or why don't you hang out at this coffee shop? Why don't you take this class because the teacher is awesome and then you have to take that workshop because it will change your life and then you have to kiss this person's ass because it tastes like marshmallows. 

And in all this din, somewhere, was me. But I was fading by the second. No wonder I didn't feel confident and relaxed when I knew that inherently I had already screwed up by not having the right skills, the right personality, the right clothes, the right look. 

I don't know when it happened exactly, but over time this relationship stopped being about love and became about trying to be someone or something I am not so that I could be more attractive, more desirable, more bookable. And what for? What was I trying to attract? Did I really want to book that commercial with the cheesy script after all? How desperate was I for money/acceptance/success? How much money had I already spent on trying to improve my image or my resume? How much career success in other fields had passed me by while I was desperately trying to get ahead? How many days had I put off working on my car so I wouldn't have grease under my nails? How much of my own life had I sacrificed for this career and what was I getting out of it?

Nothing. 

So I'm breaking up with show business. One day I'd like to be friends with it but on my own terms; with dirt under my nails and wearing Birkenstocks (I don't really own any Birkenstocks but I couldn't find a better way to sum up my lack of desire to look like a proper Hollywood actress). Right now I just have to spend some time with myself and find an acting class which isn't about technique or auditioning and is just about acting for the sake of acting. Because good stories are still worth telling. And somewhere inside me there is still a good actor and I really need to find her. 

Awesomely enough, in the synchronicity of single blogs, Christina at Onely posted a humorous bit today about her romantic entanglements with her writing (aka Mr. Mike Rosoft Word).

Hating on Dating

Until this year, I never really dated. I thought dating was a sexist, too-formal, antiquated and artificial system for matching people up. But then again, my informal, collaborative, contemporary system of getting involved with guys was producing results which were neither joyful, genuine, productive or gender equal. 

So I tried dating. According to my mother you can't "knock it until you've tried it."

Well, I've tried it and I would now like to knock it on its ass and then eliminate it all together.

Dating for the sake of dating is inevitably going to lower your self esteem. Its a system which creates desperation. I think this might be especially true of online dating because when you pay the fee, there is a certain expectation that you'll find a mate within the given time. I was dismayed when Bosslady saw a guy on my match.com that she had seen on there 10 years ago when she was dating. Now, I am sorry but there is something wrong with that although if she finds any more of them I am going to wish I could buy me some match.com stock. I mean, desperation is always profitable. 

Dating for the sake of dating is about finding a partner and being proactive about it. So that should be a good thing, right? Maybe. I would prefer that people live their lives fully while simply being open to finding a mate instead of constantly looking under every bush and rock like they're on an Easter egg hunt (but instead of jellybeans inside the plastic egg is a diamond ring/happily-ever-after). But the reality of dating is that you go out with people who are OK but not great and you never see them again or maybe you see them again once or twice. This process is somehow degrading to the human spirit. Or at least it was for me. 

Also, even though I didn't go into the whole process intent on finding a mate, after a few dates I started to get obsessed. I wanted some validation. I wanted to meet someone who didn't think I was a loony tune after 2 hours and so I became intent upon finding a kindred spirit. My whole sense of self was suddenly riding on this magical person who "got" me and didn't make me feel like somehow less of an awesome person after I realized that I wasn't going to get past date one.

I enjoy meeting new people when they are people I will be interacting with for a while, people I can welcome into my life. But dating is very black and white. The person is either your soul mate or is not your soul mate. And when you keep meeting people who aren't your soul mate you start to wonder if you have a soul at all!

I think that dating offers a nice socially constructed system for getting to know a potential mate. And I think that dating etiquette offers useful guidelines which can make this process go smoothly. But this whole system/etiquette setup should only be used when, in the course of a wonderful, full, non-desperate life, you encounter a person you'd like to get to know better in that way. Going out looking for dates is inevitably desperate and therefore unhealthy.

So here is what I am going to do. I am going to ride out my match.com subscription. I have about a month and a half left. But I am not going to really DO anything with it. Meeting a new kindred spirit (whether a friend or a partner) is not one of those things that can be rushed or controlled. So I am just going to live my life and kinda ignore match.com. I've seen all my match's profiles a couple times now and if someone new comes on, I'll either get an email or the new person will alert me to his existence himself.

In the end, however, it would have been a better use of my time and money to pay $75 to meetup.com and organize my own meetup group for 6 months. I would meet more people with less pressure and pay less per month. Even if I didn't meet my match, I'd have more confidence and I would have made at least one friend and maybe even a community of people with common interests who actually get together and DO things. 

Hmmm. Maybe I'll do that! That can be my next experiment: A Singles Group for People who Don't Hunt Eggs. 

Long Term Singlutionaries

I am new to dating. I never really dated before. I just jumped into bed and into love with strangers. When I was in college I tried the same tactics with making friends: I decided I wanted a person to be my new best friend and I would get their phone number and then invite them to EVERYTHING under the sun. My true best friend and roommate at the time tried to explain to me that things don't work that way with friends. She said that I needed to wait a while, talk to them after class and then find a way (after a period of time) to invite them to a relevant social activity.

I thought that was absurd. I mean, I'd already decided they were my new best friend. Or, in the case of men, I'd already decided they were my future husband. 

Ironically, one of the many things I find strange about dating now is the underlying assumption (which is mostly true in my age range) that we both seeking a long term relationship which ideally culminates in marriage.

In some ways I like asking, right at the get-go: "Is this person someone I would want around for the rest of my life" because most of the time the answer is a clear "no". Most of the time I can put a pretty clear prediction on how long a relationship with this person would last: One day, two weeks, four months, one year. I haven't met anyone yet who would last for even a year.

Here is what I realized this morning: I take the same approach when it comes to friends: I am at a point in my life where if I can't see our friendship being mutually enjoyable for more than a year, I'm not interested. 

Gosh. How rude. When it comes to friendship, it seems like we're supposed to open the floodgates to any and all applicants. But I invest a lot in all of my relationships and I don't have a ton of social time. I would rather being doing projects around the house and saving up my friendship energies for a "real" friendship than be out whoring around with one-night-friends.

This revelation has brought me so much relief!

1. Now I don't feel so awful about not pursuing a lot of female friendships. I have been worried for a long time now that I am secretly cultivating some very NON Singlutionary habits, one of which is devaluing friendship and perceiving friendship as merely a filler until I find my true romantic partner. I've also been thinking that I'm a closeted misogynist. Why is is that new female friendships either haven't kept my interest or have been downright annoying? Now I realize that I just haven't met the "right one(s)"! Finding new friends is like dating: If the friendship won't last more than a year, I'm just not interested.

2. Dating using this one year perspective is extraordinarily useful. In the past I would have gone on one date and then sat around for months trying to figure out how I could squish this stranger into my life and make him fit. That is crazy! Now I don't feel bad after the un-success of each and every dating encounter because I realize that what I am seeking is very specific. There is an exact shape--some sort of a polygon--and that is the shape of a person who would fit into my life (and I into theirs). So I'm like a child going through all these pegs trying to find the one that I can fit into the correct hole. Except now the shapes are far more complicated than circle, square, triangle. Instead they are these beautiful complex shapes. I look at the peg's shape (the date) and I appreciate it but it still doesn't fit into my uniquely shaped hole (make all the sex/penis/vagina jokes you want in the comments but I like this analogy)!

3. This whole peg/hole thing is a game. It doesn't have to be torturous full of rejection and all that. It doesn't even have to be played constantly. I can be out in the world and find some peg that might work and then forget about it for three weeks and then finally try it out. I don't need a peg to feel full or to fully function or to have joy and love and laugher in my life. The peg/hole game is kinda fun but there are other things I'd like to do too-- other learning endeavors. 

So that is my revelation for today. I am a long term Singlutionary and I like it this way!

Sexual Attraction

I suck at it. 

I went on another date tonight with a perfectly suitable man. He was nice and fun and I felt like I didn't offend him too much with my sense of humor or with my language. He carried the conversation well, was considerate and polite and generally wonderful. And I wasn't attracted to him. Not in the least. He, like the hot doctor, is a "good catch" and a good person and not bad looking to boot. He could be my new friend and we could do stuff together but I do not want to hump him. Not even in the future. I feel this way about all the guys that I've emailed on match.com. 

Which bring me back to this: My original purpose on match.com was to research the kind of person I want in my life and the kind of person I am attracted to (physically and in the law-of-attraction kind of way).

In the law-of-attraction kind of way, I am attracted to sane stable people who are a little bit unusual. 

In the sexual attraction kind of way, I am attracted to idiots and psychos. 

Before I started this blog, I had pretty much exclusively dated idiots, psychos and freeloaders. Now, I can safely say that I have dated nice guys. 

And I know for sure that I am no longer a desperate dater!

But the person I am attracted to most is still myself. I just haven't met anyone who I a) want to hump and b) is a tiny bit awesome-er than me. 

Either I am totally self involved to the point of becoming a psycho idiot myself OR I am finally living my real life and loving it! And I don't need anyone to lead the way or pay the bills or even to bump nasties with. 

*Its just so hard to be co-dependent when you're as competent as I am!*

Match-a-holic

I think I posted a couple weeks ago on how I was giving up on match.com.

Well. I did. And then I didn't. After the initial excitement wore off, I put it on the backburner. I would get some winks and sometimes I would wink back but for the most part I felt like the quality of guys on match.com matches the quality of guys peeing on the street in front of a bar. 

But then a couple interesting people caught my attention and I've taken a new attitude towards online dating. I've never really understood dating mainly because I felt like I needed to make up my mind about someone before I even went on a date with him. In other words, if I were to go on one date with a guy it was because I'd already decided I wanted to marry him. 

What I've realized (finally, duh) about dating is that its easy! You go on one date and then decide if you want to go on another. There is no commitment involved. I don't have to hump the guy, I don't have to kiss the guy, I don't even have to LIKE the guy afterwards. 

So I have been on one date so far. This was several weeks ago. I went on a date with a hot doctor. He was super cute and I think I was super cute and it wasn't a bad date at all. I would have gone on a second date with him but he didn't call and so I forgot about him. Rejected! Nice and simple. I knew at our first date that we weren't going to get married and I could tell that he didn't "get" me. And for people who don't "get" me and my crazy sense of humor, I wouldn't be surprised if I am completely exhausting to be around.

I have another date this week with a nice engineer. I usually don't date engineers and I am totally against dating software engineers (been there, done that) but this one has been very nice and consistent and so I've decided to give him a chance. 

I don't have much of a social life these days. Actually, I think my social life is normal for the amount I work, for being sick and for being a homeowner with a dog (which means I spend a lot of time at home--like a lot of couples). Lately, I've been enjoying the social life that match.com is providing for me. I get to check out guys online and then maybe go on a date with them. It only takes up a couple hours a week and its very simple and doesn't spill over into other areas of my life. I email the guys back when I feel like it and when I have time. The rest of my time is spent maintaining the relationships I already have in my life and sleeping and eating and working! And I like learning about people and what they want and how they interact. 

Ahhhhh. I love simplicity. I love dating. And deep down, I love rejection because it is so clear and sharp and honest and it gives me the space for the next new thing to come forward! I love match.com!

Singlutionary Self (and my thoughts on dating)

I think I'm done with online dating. Online dating requires two qualities which I currently do not possess: 1) patience and 2) desperation.

I am not willing to sit around waiting for the right guy to become a member and to find me and to invite me on a wonderful date and to fall in love with me. I have way more important things to do. I have way more important things to think about. And I am sick of wasting my time sorting through pages and pages of "laid back" guys only to find an ambitious guy only to find out that he is either a) a bible thumper or b) a big breeder who wants a wife who will be adopted into his huge family and raise and birth his 30 children. I would rather sit on the toilet waiting for a big turd to come out than sit on the computer waiting for a man who ISN'T a big turd to ask me out. 

Online dating (or dating at all for that mater) is great for women who want a laid back bible thumper family oriented guy. Unfortunately, that is not me. I require my own special dating website for all the non-stoner, non-bible-thumping (yet spiritual/religious), non breeding, ambitious types.

So I lack patience. That much is obvious.

I also lack desperation (for the first time in my life) so the way I went about this process was very selective. I winked at guys but I didn't initiate emails. I quit emailing men if it looked like they would never ask me out or if they asked me out in a way that was flakey and not on a real date. I quit emailing guys if they failed to ask a question in the email. And I never responded to an email that struck me as icky in any way. Sometimes it was a matter of spelling and grammar. Sometimes it was a matter of subject or tone. 

In other words. I am picky. 

There is still this little voice coming from a closet in the back of my head which says "if you don't quit being so picky, you'll never be in a relationship" or "you need to be more open to the possibilities". These voices are tired because they have been shouting at me for 15 years. 

I have no desire to lower my standards to find my match. In fact, I would prefer that I continue to learn and grow as a person and that I hold myself to an increasingly higher standard. I believe that THIS (developing an excellent relationship with myself) will attract the right people (romantic and otherwise) into my life much faster than going out with a lousy speller/wishy-washy-dater.

I went online to research the kind of person I want to be in a relationship with. I didn't find him. But I did realize many things about myself and the kind of person I want in a relationship. I also realized that the man of my dreams is so unique that only some kind of crazy god would be able to find a way to bring us together. 

So I am giving up on online dating but I am also investing my time into building a better me. And I do so with the faith that everything I do in my life is leading me closer to my true self which is also, at the same time, bringing me closer to my true match and my truest friends. 

Another Sign of Desperate Dating

I am learning SO much from my online dating adventure. I am learning about my bad dating habits and the way I unconsciously go about things. Here is another lesson for today:

I get super excited about new relationships (of any kind--not just romantic ones). Add that to the fact that match.com can be highly entertaining and I've spent HOURS on there during the past week. I get sucked into new things easily. Or, more accurately, I throw myself into them with abandon. 

This is NOT a good dating strategy.

I've notice that the (few) guys I'm emailing with seem to write back at the same time everyday. This might be cause they have real jobs and can't sit around all day checking their emails. Regardless, after five days, the excitement is wearing off and I am ready to settle into a pattern. I am going to check/reply to emails from my online boyfriends once a day and only once a day after all my other chores are done.

Because I am kinda self employed, its easy for me to slack off on my duties and check out rich hotties to my hearts content but this is not healthy. I do the same thing when starting out a relationship. I get so excited and so into it that I get behind on all the other important things in my life and then I get so stressed out that I become a total spaz (which is not very attractive).