Singlutionary Employment

For the first time in years, I have a full time job. For the first time in years, I do not work with total douche bags! I count myself super duper lucky.

Not only that, but today I realized how Singlutionary my job itself is. Let me provide some background on the new job: The job is in apartment management & leasing. I used to be a realtor, selling people homes, so this is a good transition for me. I get a steady paycheck but I still get to sell people homes, just apartments on lease instead of houses on a mortgage. 

I love love love my house. I realized this today. I don't have to pay a pet deposit. I'm not tied to a lease. I can paint the walls and plant a garden and I can park my car on the lawn and wash it. I change the oil in the driveway. None of these things are allowed at the apartment complex that I work at.

But I also miss living in an apartment. I miss the convenience, the simplicity. I miss NOT worrying about painting my walls or my garden or getting home in time to put the garbage out. I miss having a sense of community, of chit chatting with neighbors in the parking lot. I miss being around young single people.

Most folks who live in apartments in my city are young and single. Houses here are fairly cheap compared to other cities. So renters tend to be younger and childfree and single, more or less. 

This particular apartment complex is located in a part of town where fitness is king. There is a smoothie shop, bike shops, running shops and a big ole trail with plenty of eye candy in the vicinity. Its abs-a-go-go. And of course, its summer and everyone is working out their ultra buff bodies with the least clothing possible sticking to their sweaty frames. Kinda gross. Kinda awesome. 

Today, for hours, my sole view was of hot topless guys working out in the on-site fitness center. This is about as close to actual sex as I want to get these days and it counts as one of the major perks of my new employment.

Also, it appears that my co-workers are single. So far, neither one of them has mentioned a significant other. 

But the biggest change, aside from a regular paycheck, is that I'll be working with the public: The single, athletic, apartment renting public! There are fellow potential Singlutionaries everywhere. Because single people who can afford these apartments aren't sitting around waiting for a partner to provide them with the good life: They already have it. And single people who are so busy running the trail and swimming in the springs and biking the greenbelt aren't sitting around pining away for someone to make their life fun and healthy and exciting: It already is!  And if you're living the good life and enjoying your time in the city and on the lake, well, you're NOT going to be a desperate dater. Everywhere I turn there is Singlutionary (and fitness) inspiration. 

Which is not to say that just because you can't afford to live on the park, you're not Singlutionary material. There are Singlutionaries everywhere. But there are places that attract greater numbers of singles and places that attract greater numbers of people who are really living and enjoying their lives. The place I work is one of them. 

And, yeah, there is also free coffee/tea and soda AND a free massage chair. And a greenbelt view from the business center.

Oh bliss. Utter bliss. I work days in a bastion of Singlutionary-ness and I go home at night to my four bedroom house with the brightly painted rooms, chicken and vegetable filled backyard, an over 20lb dog who always gets dog hair all over the sofa. 

I truly have the best of both worlds!

Before I Singlutionized

Lately I've been reflecting on the past year of my life. At the same time I've been mulling over the words I most frequently hear from people who aren't "getting" the Singlution: "I want to have fun." 

A year ago I was one of those people who couldn't grasp the Singlution. I thought that "He's Just Not that Into You" (the book and the concept, not the movie) was hecka lame. I wanted to go out and pursue what I wanted. I made up lies that I told myself over and over again about the guys I was into and how they really liked me even though they didn't even hint at it. Now I am hearing the same words come out of other people's mouths and I am thinking: What the heck was wrong with my self esteem?

One year ago today I was deep deep in a crush on this guy who was completely wrong for me. The pickings in my circle were slim and he was single and he was fairly hot. And he flirted with me. He also lived with his parents and had almost been kicked out of the military. I'll admit that I like big tall buff guys and this guy was that "type". He had nice toned abs (although they were so hairy you had to feel 'em to believe 'em) and was tall and Texan and generally a kind guy. His Singlutionary name will be Hhabs (for hot hairy abs). Anyways, HHABS flirted with me when we saw each other but he never called me or asked me out. I decided this was just because he was insecure and didn't know how hot he was and because he lived with his parents. I excused the fact that he lived with his parents on the nobility of his leaving the military for personal reasons (I didn't know then that he was almost kicked out). The highlight of our non-existent relationship is when we sat next to each other and he let our thighs touch for about a hour and a half. 

Wow! I pined away for this guy? I spent nights dreaming of him and of how one day he would buck up and ride into my life on his longhorn, saving me from the strain and stress that was my daily life? I desperately (tried to) dated him by asking him to do things (which he always declined) and I figured out ways for him to give me a ride or for us to interact outside of our social circle. I wah-wah-waited for him to save me from myself!

I've never thought of myself as someone with low self-esteem and neither have the people around me. I've often been told that I don't seem to care what anyone thinks. People admire me for my independence, my bravery, my outspokenness, my confidence. Ahhhhh. Who said that our greatest strengths are also our greatest weakness?

Although I didn't seem to lack confidence, I seemed to lack some essential appreciation of my excellent life. I had no idea that I should simply sit back and admire not Hhabs's abs but my own wonderful house, my own creative creations, the communities I'd built and helped to build in my own city, etc. 

I might not have lacked confidence but I felt that something was lacking. I felt that I needed someone (anyone) to complete me. The life I had built for myself was not complete without *someone* to share it with. What I didn't realize was, at the same time, there were so many people in my life already that I was drowning in the sharing! 

A year ago today I was not the Singlutionary. I had no idea how to live a Singlutionized life or even where to begin. And I wish I could tell you exactly (simple step by simple step) how I got to here from there but I can't. It was a fairly brutal journey with a lot of hurt, loneliness and eventually, transformation. 

Yes, everyone should have fun! But there is NOTHING fun about pining away for the wrong person or in over-thinking a makeout session gone wrong. I have lots of fun living my life free from these shackles! There is nothing un-fun about the Singlution! I do what I want when I want and I am open to romantic relationships in my life. I'm just not dying for them. 

My Match is My Mirror

I am having so much fun on match.com. There are so many men that I never feel lonely or rejected. At the same time, there are lots of guys that I reject. Sometimes I reject a guy just because of the way he looks in his pictures. Is that shallow? Maybe but I'd like to think that I have a keen sense of people and the kind of pictures folks put up on their profile says a lot about them. 

There are two things that were bugging me when I first started this process: I wanted a man who made a lot of money and who was "athletic/toned". Of course, I do not make a lot of money (right now) and I am not very toned (right now). It kinda bothered me that I was putting these two items on my man wishlist when I currently do not possess either of these qualifications. These two items also seem extremely shallow to me: money and a hot bod. I mean, its nice but is it really important in a soulmate.

So then, a couple days ago, as I was driving out to bosslady's house, I had a revelation:

I want to have a lot of money. I want to have a hot bod.

And that made me realize this: My whole life I've been seeking the qualities I lack (or think I lack) in my mate. And since there are lots of things I suck at, there was always some guy who I was into merely because he was good at something I am not. Here are some examples:

The journalist. I thought this guy was cool because he had his own magazine. I've always wanted to be a writer and tell my story to the world (hence, this blog). The journalist was also very sloppy, broke, close to being arrested, a pushy pot salesman and a bike stealer. He also hooked up with other women he met on craigslist. (I am not saying that its not OK to do this if that is what you're into but I don't want to sleep with you if you do). 

The landlord. He owned a house and rented out the upstairs and lived downstairs. I have always wanted to do that (and now I kinda do). Fortunately, he was also a nice, generous, respectful guy. But what I loved about him at first was his house. 

The abs. This guy lived at home with his parents because he had so much debt after dropping out of the military. But he was fit. At the time my main obsession was getting fit so it followed that I had a major crush on this guy's abs. Unfortunately (or fortunately), he was a flirt but never intended to ask me out. So this crush lasted several months but nothing came of it. 

Anyways. The moral of this Singlutionary tale is this: 

If you are looking for a partner to make up for all your failings and to fill in the parts about yourself that you don't like, you're at a risk for being a desperate dater. The Singlution solution is to review the things you want in a partner and ask yourself if you really just want them in YOU. If that is the case, spend your single time working on those things: for me, it would be plugging away at my endeavors until I can start squeezing some money out of them and working out ever day again. I have the time and space to do this now because I am single. 

In the meantime I (with my empty bank account and extra tummy) am going to be open to dating guys on match.com but when I meet the rich ones with the hot bods I will see them as my match, not as my savior from myself. 

Singular Satisfaction vs Pitiful Pining

Lately I have been having a hard time finding things to write about mainly because my life is so great. One reason that my life is so great is because I am no longer a pitiful piner!

I will admit that forever and forever and forever I would go to sleep while imagining snuggling with some well-defined-abs-man. I don't do that anymore. Its bizarre that this lifelong habit (I started this pre-puberty although then he didn't have abs: Instead he had a great GI Joe collection or something like that) has so suddenly vanished.

And I'm glad to be through with it however, I feel that there is something to be gleaned from this oh-so-lame part of my past:

I've spent more time pining way for guys than I have spent in actual relationships with them. Being a pitiful piner is convenient because I could always fixate on some sexy object of my affection and go to sleep with my hand resting on his imaginary abs but I never had to actually deal with him. I never had to pretend I wasn't farting in his presence. I never had to actually spend the night with him and get all pissed off when he kept me awake by snoring like a pig and then moving his finely muscled body into the middle of the bed while I clung to the side like an inept cliff dweller. I never had to pretend I wanted to spend an entire holiday with his parents.

Pining is a great way to imagine being in a relationship without having to sacrifice anything. When I was super tired and dropped into bed after working 16 hours, I never had to worry about how absalicious's day was. I could pine away when I had time and when I didn't he just vanished.

How delightfully convenient.

Over the past four years or so I've slowly become aware of my pining tendencies. But it wasn't until after a really luducris breakup this summer that I realized the extent of what I had been doing.

Pining is a problem because no real relationship will ever match up to the expectation developed as a piner. The longer you've pined, the harder its going to be to adjust to a real human relationship. I suspect that pining is typical of very independent folks who are pretty satisfied with being on their own yet somehow feel that something is missing. I thought it was harmless but I am now convinced that is is not.

Why?

Well, I got a boyfriend. I wasn't even pining away for him. He just kinda appeared in my life. And I tried to fit him in and make things work but melding two full formed lives together is a challenge and not one for the weak-of-heart. It turned out that my life was far better without him. But I only discovered this after we parted ways.

Ironically, I'm now being treated to life on the other side of the pining problem. The ex-boyfriend is now pining away for me. And I know that what he wants isn't really me with all my fire and independence and lack of desire to procreate but some idealized concept he has of me which is in no way based in reality. I know this because he writes me pages and pages of pitiful pining about this and that and leaves these books on my doorstep or in my mailbox. And the more I read of it (I don't read it anymore) the more I see that he has no idea who I really am.

Pining is a way to feel romance and intimacy without every interacting with a real person. It might be about imagination: There was a time when I thought that my pining was merely me manifesting a relationship a-al-The-Secret. But it is only about one person's imagination and doesn't leave much room for the wonderful surprises which come with getting to know a unique individual.

How did I quit my pitiful pining? I am not sure. It happened shortly after I started this blog and it hasn't come back. I am so infinitely satisfied with my life and I feel so loved and supported by the various people around me that I no longer feel the need to pine away for someone. I am putting all my passion for absalicious into my volunteer work and my real work and my house and my dog and my various delightful real life (plutonic) relationships.

Like I said, I WAS an independent woman who was satisfied with being on her own but felt like something was missing. This recent breakup and its aftermath have so clearly illustrated to me that nothing has been missing this whole time. I have been living a creative, adventurous, delightful, love-filled life. The only thing missing (which I now possess) was a calm clear understanding that my life is overflowing with fullness and love and comfort and security. Only when I am ready to accept the breadth and depth of all that is available to me will I be able to meet the real life absalicious (or beer gutted) man of my dreams.