Single or Singlutionary?

Until my recent revelation in regards to my roommates and my need for community, I thought that I wanted a community of Singles. I was very adamant that everyone be single. I even posted a post on craigslist for single friends. I had one woman respond who was married but wasn't "connected at the hip" with her husband. She seemed super cool but I honestly wasn't really interested because I wanted single friends.

Single means unattached. For many people being single is a temporary state and eventually they'll be in a relationship again. Being single doesn't really mean that a person is happy or active for fun or even available. And making friends with single people doesn't guarantee that, as soon as they become coupled, they won't run off with their partner and abandon their loyal friends.

So while I was looking for single friends, I was also wary of single friends. I've met a lot of singles in my life who just use friends as a filler until they find a mate. I found myself in a catch 22 with my own thinking.

So when I found community with my roommates, it was strange to realize that not all of them are single. In fact, two of them aren't single. Two of them have serious long-term boyfriends. This fact rarely occurs to me because, at home, they are functionally single. 

I make it really clear to prospective roommates that their significant other is not welcome to live here. If he/she comes over once a week, that is fine but the house is too small for everyone to have their partner over all the time. Plus, when a couple is making breakfast or watching a movie, its pretty easy for them to make the other people in the house feel kinda uncomfortable (depending on how obnoxious they are). Couples tend to take over in domestic spaces. Not only that, this is my home and I want to be able to walk around without a bra on with my hair all messed up and not feel awkward when my nipples bump into someone's significant other. So I seek out roommates who feel the same way about the situation. 

So far my adamance about: "YOU live here but your partner does not" has been very effective. I've seen one roommate's boyfriend about four times and the other roommate's boyfriend, I have NEVER met although he did hook us up with free cable. The roommates disappear over the weekends to their boyfriend's places where roommates aren't an issue. 

Still, if two of my three roommates are coupled, how could it be that I've found the single community I was seeking right here at home?

What I was seeking wasn't a singles community at all? It was a Singlutionary community that I really wanted! Even if/when I find myself in a relationship, certain basic things aren't going to change about my life. I am still going to keep up with my friends, my dog, my house, my hobbies. My lifestyle won't change nor will my way of thinking. (I know because whenever I have gotten into a relationship in the past, things HAVE changed and ultimately, I got pissed off and ended it.) Having a Singlutionary mindset is what is important, not whether you happen to be single or coupled.

Being Singlutionary is: Thinking and speaking as an "I" not a "we". Having strong relationships (outside of coupledom). Owning your own happiness and not waiting for another person to deliver it to you. Enjoying time and space alone. Pursing your dreams independent of a romantic relationship (even if pursue your dream with your partner, you would still pursue it alone if he/she weren't in the picture). 

Me and my dog and my three roommates are all Singlutionaries and that is why this works. We all have a strong sense of self and enjoy our lives as individuals. I am sure my two coupled roommates also enjoy their lives as part of a couple, but I suspect that they still see themselves as individuals even on their weekends at the boyfriend's. Their sense of identity isn't entirely dependent on their man. In fact, it isn't dependent at all on their man although they do love and respect him. 

So I guess I was being narrow minded and prejudiced when I was exclusively looking for an exclusively single community. Of course, there are typically some differences between the lifestyle/needs/availability of single vs. married people. My roommates don't live with their boyfriends and that obviously is a key factor. Geographical proximity seems to be a big deal when it comes to community. I think this is the case now more than ever as traffic gets worse, gas gets more expensive and people seek a higher quality of life. 

So Singlutionary community blossoms everywhere, even in my own backyard and even with people who aren't even single!

Singlution Clarified

 I would like to clarify one thing: 

I do not believe that being single is better than being coupled any more than I think being coupled is better than being single. Honestly, I think that whether a person is (at the moment) single or coupled has a lot to do with fate (or god/goddess/universe/whatever you're into).

Yes, there are ways you can put yourself out there to meet more eligible bachelors/bachelorettes and yes, you can always ask for a divorce or be the one to end the relationship. But meeting a person whom you really connect with and who you end up in a serious relationship with is kinda a toss up. There isn't a science to it and it affects everyone in different ways at different times. Short people get married just as often as tall people and mean people get married just as often as nice folks. Relationships are one universal thing which isn't about money or beauty or even kindness. 

I am not a person who advocates for ALWAYS being single. And I have not committed to a single life forever and ever. But I do advocate for committing to the life you're in--especially if you're single. Committing to being single (while you are single) is so much different than committing to being single forever. I expect that one day I will be coupled and one day after that I will eventually be married. Committing to being single does not exclude the possibility of a relationship. In fact, I feel that by committing to being single, I will be (and have) a better mate when that time comes.

I see being single as a wonderful wonderful opportunity (which not everyone has: some people couple before they've even really had an adult single life) to grown and develop and nurture myself and to really fully enjoy life on my own terms and see all the things which I have to be grateful for. 

That is what this blog is all about.

Commitment Issues

Single people are often thought to have "commitment issues" especially when, like me, they find themselves to be ALWAYS single.

*I am waiting for my baked potato to bake so this will be brief (kinda).*

This was driven home to me  a couple years ago at the strangest place: my workplace. I had a rather annoying co-worker who was a total performer, an actor to be exact. I know a lot of actors cause, well, I am one too. But most of them annoy me at least a little mainly 'cause they always need to be the center of attention. (If you happen to be a dear actor friend reading this blog, you must know that this does not pertain to you.)

So this actor/co-worker (at one of my gazillion dayjobs) wanted me to take a very specific acting class which was so totally awesome mainly cause it was taught by his friend and mainly cause he was in it and that mere fact totally raised the caliber of talent in the class and I could learn so much from such a deep serious acting experience with such talented peers.

So, I asked him some questions about the class and I considered it. But then I decided that between all the other things I was doing, I was in no shape to commit to taking a class which I didn't have the time to attend and which I didn't have the money to pay for and which might annoy the boogers out of me.

So I told him: "Thank you very much but now is not the right time."

And he wouldn't let up. And I keep saying "no". Finally, he asks me the question I had been asking myself every night for the past 5 years: "Do you have commitment issues?"

This comment was meant to humiliate me into committing to taking the class. 

Unfortunately for Mr. Annoying Actorpants, I was so pissed off that I replied with full force hostility: "Yes. I totally do!" and I walked off into the sunset. I am sure he heard my "subtext" loud and clear, which in that moment was: "Eff-off, you annoying arrogant actorish acting ass!"

But I was pissed off for the rest of the night.

Because for an actor, it is imperative NOT to have commitment issues. Actors essentially live the lives and the moments of other people. In order to this effectively, one must commit 100% to the circumstances and to the character. So, if I'm in a scene where I just found out that my husband is cheating on me, I have to commit 100% to the fact that I am a woman who has been married for this many years and I feel this oh-so-specific-way about my husband, etc, etc, etc. I can't be half in the scene and half myself, thinking about my delicious baked potato or my preposterous speeding ticket. 

But at that moment in my life, I was thinking: "Oh my gosh. This douche nozzle is right. I do have commitment issues and now they are so bad that not only can I not stay in a relationship for more than three months, but I also am doomed to be a crappy actor for the rest of my life. A lonely, crappy actor! Poor me. Poor me. Wahhhhhhhhahhhhhahhhhh."

*I have heard that baked potatos are just as bad for you as eating ice cream.*

Anyways. Back to commitment. Right.

For months this conversation with Annoying Actor haunted me. I decided to, poor me, accept that I did, in fact, have commitment issues and that I needed to work on them. But I didn't know where to begin. I was too busy committing to a lunch date or to a friendship or to a visit or to planning an event or leading a group or adopting a dog or buying a house. 

And then it struck me. I am so freaking good at committing! I am a badass committer. If anything, I overcommit. I commit to people, to projects, to dogs, to trees, to cellphone plans.

Yeah. 

And the truth is that the most important thing to do as a single person or a coupled person or any kind of person is to commit to living the life you are already living. If you're single, commit to living the single life that you are in and commit to doing it 100%. If you are married, commit to the life you are living and do it 100%.

In other words, make the life that you have badass.

Single people do a lot of waiting around, thinking that they can't go out and have fun or they can't buy a house or they can't have rockin' sexy undergarments cause they're not in a relationship. Ladies, how many of you out there don't splurge on hecka cute bra and panty sets cause you think its a waste cause "nobody" will appreciate 'em. Do NOT call yourself a nobody!

Once I committed to being single and let it all in with all my fears and reservations, etc, I started LIVING. And living is in no way preventing me from being in a relationship at some future juncture. It is, however, preventing me from being in a relationship with the wrong person just so that someone (besides myself) can appreciate the skimpies I spent a small fortune on. (If you really need someone else to appreciate your skimpies, just go post pictures of 'em on craigslist. Trust me, someone out there will appreciate it a whole lot. Not that I know, first hand, mind you. I am just wise in the ways of craigslist.)

*OK. I have eaten my potato and this post and my waistline have both gotten much larger than previously predicted*

So all skimpies aside. If you're single, stop waiting. Just start going about doing the things that you want to do. Invest your time in committing to things that matter to you. I've committed my time to this blog, to my career(s), to my many wonderful and rewarding friendships. And I am no worse off by it. 

And if you're dead set thinking that the only thing for you in life is to get married and produce offspring, well, that is totally OK. Just commit to doing something you like also. Maybe it's related to marriage (hey! you could be like J.Lo and become a Wedding Planner). 

Regardless, if you commit to yourself, you're well on your way to a happy ending.