Dreaming of Vegetables

I am exhausted and I am craving vegetables. The new job seems to have an endless supply of free candy, soda and coffee which means that my entire diet last week consisted to those three items. Yesterday I crashed hard. Today I feel a little bit better.

Today, the only thing missing in my life is healthy food (and a shower and a clean house). But in my dream last night I dreamed that I was married. My in-laws had this duplex which was really kinda a duplex shack with all sorts of strange walls, etc. I thought we had our own place but when we went to go to bed it turned out that that there was another couple in the same room in another bed. I wasn't really bothered by all this closeness. What I was bothered by was the fact that I like to have sex. I drew the other female aside and tried to work out a deal with her (a la college dorm room style) that we each vacate the room for certain alternate periods to allow the other couple to have sex or we "do it super quiet". 

Ah. My waking life is so different. I woke up in my twin bed by myself. And my first thought was "gosh, I would feel a whole lot better if I ate some vegetables". 

Interestingly enough, my first thought was NOT "I am alone" or "I wish I had a husband" or "I want sex". That wasn't even my 2nd or 3rd thought or ANY thought yet this morning.

Yesterday, an IM suitor (you know, the ones who like to IM you when they get bored at work) left over from the match.com days inquired as to the reasons for my "sex hiatus". He seemed to think that I just hadn't met the right guy lately and all I needed was a dose of his manpowers and I'd give up on my sex hiatus forever. 

Its not that I don't have a sex drive. It IS that I don't want to intimately engage with anyone right now. I am still busy getting to know myself. So engaging with others is incredibly draining. I'd rather spend my energies (and limited free time) cooking or working on the house or swimming. I need to take care of myself and nurture myself right now and do activities which replenish my store of enthusiasm, charge up my passion batteries. And for some reason anytime I get involved with a new person (sexually or not) I end up giving a lot of myself to that new relationship. I think that this is just the nature of any new relationship. 

There will come a time when I am ready to re-engage with others and to enjoy new friendships and spend some time polishing the old ones. But that time hasn't come for me yet. I know this because every time I have tried to "get out there" and make new friends, I come home exhausted at my very core.

I have come to understand that as humans we have our own unique seasons. There are social seasons and then there are seasons of solitude. I suspect that in the past when we didn't have electric lighting and climate control, our internal seasons lined up more with the natural seasons. Winter was a time for solitude and reflection and summer was a time for socializing and connection and sharing. Obviously my seasons are all jacked up because its summer and I just want to be a hermit.

Although I am thriving at the new job which requires constantly meeting and connecting (in a professional manner) with new people. Maybe that is my big relationship for this summer. Who knows what next summer will bring.

Or maybe I am just simply a winter socializer with all the fruitcake and mulled wine and hot chocolate. 

Who knows. But I know enough by now to respect my own internal seasons and not to push myself in exhausting directions when I could be enjoying the comfort that solitude provides. 

And now, for the Cheesy Essay Questions Section:

What about you? What do you think about this concept of internal seasons? What kinds of things make solitude wonderful? What aspects of the social season do you most enjoy? 

Big Love, Small Snack

Yesterday, in order to self-soothe my disappointment over the disappearance of the Pedestrian Bridge boy along with the disappearance of my lifelong career aspirations, I went to costco with a friend where I bought a giant triangle of brie cheese and an even gianter container of pickled jalapenos. I suppose people would buy this kind of container of jalapenos because they run a bowling alley and serve up nachos. But I wanted it all for myself. And it was so cheap. I had to have it.

When I got home, there wasn't really any room for it so I left it on a freshly cleared side table. My roommate, who does not love these delicious peppers in the same way I do, asked me why I had bought such a thing and how I was going to eat it.

I don't know. I said. Maybe I will eat it with brie cheese since I also have a lot of that.

And that is what I did. 

I watched 4 episodes of Big Love, drank some wine and ate crackers, each piled up with a bit of brie and a sliced pickled jalapeno. Its delicious. Its the best thing ever!

And, as if I have not reviewed enough TV shows as of late, I would like to say that watching a TV show about a man and his three wives is the most fun I could have in my current state. 

In some ways I think I could fit in well as a plural wife. I would have some independence, some time alone. Two thirds of the time, I would feel single and I would be part of a strong family/community. But then I would have troubles with the whole breeding thing. I don't want kids and I don't want other people's kids although I could take care of their teenagers. I also don't want to cook or iron. 

Maybe I could be the wife who went to work and had a career and the other wives cleaned and made dinner. 

No, wait. That is the husband.

So, really, what I want to be is the husband. And I want my wives to cook me jalapeno and brie dinners after they've finished ironing my socks.