Singlutionary Short Circuits

I have about five drafts that I can't seem to finish. I write this blog as I discover things myself and as I learn how to live a more Singlutionary life. These days I have many thoughts but they're all in a jumble and I can't seem to come to any conclusions. So be prepared for an onslaught of posts just as soon as my brain works out this crazy equation. 

In the meantime, here is my only clear thought:

I finally quit match.com! And I'm pretty certain that I do not want a boyfriend right now. Actually, I am absolutely certain that I do not want to date and I do not want to be in a relationship. I've got too many things to do with my life before I want to get involved in someone else's. 

But in the past few months I've been getting back to my naturally active self and abandoning the sleep-all-day-in-despair-and-exhaustion self which ruled the roost for pretty much all of 2008. I've been doing lots of things that I already love and I bet that, if I wanted to date, I would be able to find potential quality friends and lovers all over the place. All I would have to do is to turn my head to the side and look around and smile at people. Right now, I am still in survival mode a little bit, getting in and getting out and not making eye contact with anyone. I am still conserving my energies, keeping it to myself, unwilling to share. I am still charging up my batteries after letting them be sucked dry. 

But when I do dare to look around I see interesting people. And surprisingly, not all of them are wearing giant wedding bands. And even more surprisingly, none of them look like freeloading freaks.

Here are some places that I joyfully frequent and where I believe I am far more likely to make a love connection (plutonic or romantic) than on the ole computer:

The hike and bike trail on the lake

The 2 mile secret loop where single walkers with dogs abound

The gym

My mailbox

The local swimming hole

The new organicy food grocery store that just went in down the street

The organic garden store

Dog training class

In the past, I never thought it was possible to strike up a conversation or meet someone in say, the grocery store. It seemed too forced especially when my first question was: "Are you single" and my next question was: "Do you want to marry me?" Of course I'm not going to be able to make casual conversation with all that pressure looming over me. 

When I was in the place of single-as-desperate instead of single-and-satisfied, it was really hard to get to know people in random places. But now that I am learning to be who I am and enjoy my life I wouldn't be afraid to talk to someone in dog class or on the hike and bike trail because I would just be chatting. I'm not looking for anything, just enjoying my life. And if the other person is like: "You freak. Ew. Quit talking to me. You stink." I would be like: "Hey, I actually do stink a little bit but its not like your pits are all pristine in this weather either." And I would go on my merry way. 

The Singlution on Craigslist

There are a lot of really desperate daters on craigslist. I am truly impressed not only by the quantity of people looking for love but the quantity of people just looking for SOMETHING. Here is my very own post to craigslist personals:

Gas + Laughter = Love (W4M)

I am looking for someone who takes as much delight in farting-while-laughing as I do. It is such a joyful feeling to laugh from both ends at the same time. I'll have to admit that on the rare occasion that I find myself flatulaughing, I am usually so delighted by the experience that I continue to giggle for days just at the mere thought of it. 

Is there anyone out there who feels the same way? 

I imagine us sitting around laughing and (hopefully) simultaneously and spontaneously farting which will only make us laugh harder. We'll see where things go from there.

My last boyfriend would leave the room whenever I would flatulaugh which really hurt my feelings. I am not sure if he lacked a sense of humor or if he was intimidated by my exuberant windiness. 

I am a S(mostly W)F. I am not looking for a LTR, just a flatulaugh friend or two (I am open to polyflatulaughamy). I am DDF, fit and healthy (I enjoy a diet of beans, cheese and raw vegetables). 

Newly Single

I know that not everyone is an expert at being single like me. Because I am so solidly single, I am the person newly single people call to find out how I "survive" my single life. They have a lot of questions. There are many folks out there who have been in a relationship for their entire adult lives and then one day *poof* they are single again. (Of course, it isn't really as simple as a *poof* its more like a long journey thorough hell but I like thinking about fairy-single-mothers granting people freedom from really awful relationships with a *poof*. Its fun! Try it.)

They want to know what I do about sex (woah. another blog entirely!)

They want to know if I am lonely

They want to know how I pay the bills

They want to know how to find a roommate

They want to know how to quit pining away

They want to know how to start dating

They want to know how to be happy again

They want to know how to figure out who they are

One time, a newly single person said something to me which really hurt my feelings but I think it sums up the newly single experience.

She said: I'm used to waking up next to someone every morning. Its a very comforting feeling to wake up next to the same person every morning and now I wake up alone. But you wouldn't know what that is like, would you?

In a way, it is easier for me to have been always single than someone who has lived many years of their life with someone. I've had my breakups but relationships I've had have never lasted long enough for me to be comfortable or comforted. I've always been on my own. 

The best thing that I can say to newly single people is this: 

This is the hardest part right now. With each step you make, things will only get better. For the first time in a long time (or maybe EVER) you can focus entirely on yourself and what you want. The more overwhelmed you feel by trying to figure out who you are and what you want for life, the more potential your life holds. 

Being single is not something which must be endured anymore than being coupled is something which must be endured. Being single is merely a different experience than the coupled one. And single people are not ALONE! Even if your whole life was so wrapped up in your ex that you abandoned all your support networks, there are still people who will support you now! They may be old friends or they may be new ones. They may be your third cousin twice removed. Love and support is out there and all you have to do is ask for it. There are still new and wonderful friendships to forge. There are still many many many opportunities to live and love and be loved!

Single life is not a life void of love or joy or even cuddles. Single life can be pretty much be whatever you want it to be.

Got a burning question about being single? Ask it!

Feeling Lonely? Meetup!

Three years ago I moved to a new city where I knew nobody at all. This was perhaps the most brave thing I had done in my life up until then. At the time, I didn't know how hard it would be to re-establish myself without any connections or how much I had taken for granted back home. 

But my bravery was rewarded and three years later I find myself with wonderful friends and part of excellent, supportive communities. (I am not in contact with one single guy I dated in the past three years, however.)

I now encounter, on a regular basis, other people moving here with few or no contacts. They are giving themselves a fresh start, getting a new job or chasing a dream just like I was (well, except the job part).

One of the easiest ways to get started in a new city (it does help to be in a city and not in the middle of nowhere) it to join meetup.com

Even if you've been in the same place for forever but you still find yourself with empty social time where you sit around feeling sorry for yourself, this is a great thing.

How it works:

You don't have to join to search. You enter your zip code or city and search for meetup groups by topic or actual events by date. 

Each meetup is led by a regular person (I used to lead one in my fair city and you could lead one too) who posts events and then members of that group get an email and can RSVP for the event. If you find a group that interests you and you find an event that works with your schedule and you actually show up, you'll meet other folks who are there to meet other folks and you already know that you have something in common. 

This is not a website for singles (although some groups are for singles or geared towards singles) but many of the events attract singles because they have the time and are looking to do something social and meet new people. 

My experience with meetup has been excellent. The larger groups have excellent turnout to their events so you know that you'll find someone cool to talk to. Also, meetup doesn't seem to attract the freaks so much. 

In todays day and age, unless you are part of a vibrant church or political community, you might find yourself alone on Saturday night. Don't pine away! Meetup!

I meetup-ed some cities for examples:

So if you live in, say, Bozeman, Montana (kinda sorta the middle of nowhere) there are 4 meetup groups you could join (Divorcees, Athiests, Ron Paulers and a Playgroup). Hopefully one of them floats your boat. OK. That was a horrible example. Apparently if you live in Bozeman, meetup is an awful suggestion and the best advice I can give you is to move to a bigger city.

How about Madison, Wisconsin? There are 83 meetups in Madison. So if you live in Bozeman, you might want to get a uhaul and head east.