Dreaming of Vegetables

I am exhausted and I am craving vegetables. The new job seems to have an endless supply of free candy, soda and coffee which means that my entire diet last week consisted to those three items. Yesterday I crashed hard. Today I feel a little bit better.

Today, the only thing missing in my life is healthy food (and a shower and a clean house). But in my dream last night I dreamed that I was married. My in-laws had this duplex which was really kinda a duplex shack with all sorts of strange walls, etc. I thought we had our own place but when we went to go to bed it turned out that that there was another couple in the same room in another bed. I wasn't really bothered by all this closeness. What I was bothered by was the fact that I like to have sex. I drew the other female aside and tried to work out a deal with her (a la college dorm room style) that we each vacate the room for certain alternate periods to allow the other couple to have sex or we "do it super quiet". 

Ah. My waking life is so different. I woke up in my twin bed by myself. And my first thought was "gosh, I would feel a whole lot better if I ate some vegetables". 

Interestingly enough, my first thought was NOT "I am alone" or "I wish I had a husband" or "I want sex". That wasn't even my 2nd or 3rd thought or ANY thought yet this morning.

Yesterday, an IM suitor (you know, the ones who like to IM you when they get bored at work) left over from the match.com days inquired as to the reasons for my "sex hiatus". He seemed to think that I just hadn't met the right guy lately and all I needed was a dose of his manpowers and I'd give up on my sex hiatus forever. 

Its not that I don't have a sex drive. It IS that I don't want to intimately engage with anyone right now. I am still busy getting to know myself. So engaging with others is incredibly draining. I'd rather spend my energies (and limited free time) cooking or working on the house or swimming. I need to take care of myself and nurture myself right now and do activities which replenish my store of enthusiasm, charge up my passion batteries. And for some reason anytime I get involved with a new person (sexually or not) I end up giving a lot of myself to that new relationship. I think that this is just the nature of any new relationship. 

There will come a time when I am ready to re-engage with others and to enjoy new friendships and spend some time polishing the old ones. But that time hasn't come for me yet. I know this because every time I have tried to "get out there" and make new friends, I come home exhausted at my very core.

I have come to understand that as humans we have our own unique seasons. There are social seasons and then there are seasons of solitude. I suspect that in the past when we didn't have electric lighting and climate control, our internal seasons lined up more with the natural seasons. Winter was a time for solitude and reflection and summer was a time for socializing and connection and sharing. Obviously my seasons are all jacked up because its summer and I just want to be a hermit.

Although I am thriving at the new job which requires constantly meeting and connecting (in a professional manner) with new people. Maybe that is my big relationship for this summer. Who knows what next summer will bring.

Or maybe I am just simply a winter socializer with all the fruitcake and mulled wine and hot chocolate. 

Who knows. But I know enough by now to respect my own internal seasons and not to push myself in exhausting directions when I could be enjoying the comfort that solitude provides. 

And now, for the Cheesy Essay Questions Section:

What about you? What do you think about this concept of internal seasons? What kinds of things make solitude wonderful? What aspects of the social season do you most enjoy? 

Singlutionary Employment

For the first time in years, I have a full time job. For the first time in years, I do not work with total douche bags! I count myself super duper lucky.

Not only that, but today I realized how Singlutionary my job itself is. Let me provide some background on the new job: The job is in apartment management & leasing. I used to be a realtor, selling people homes, so this is a good transition for me. I get a steady paycheck but I still get to sell people homes, just apartments on lease instead of houses on a mortgage. 

I love love love my house. I realized this today. I don't have to pay a pet deposit. I'm not tied to a lease. I can paint the walls and plant a garden and I can park my car on the lawn and wash it. I change the oil in the driveway. None of these things are allowed at the apartment complex that I work at.

But I also miss living in an apartment. I miss the convenience, the simplicity. I miss NOT worrying about painting my walls or my garden or getting home in time to put the garbage out. I miss having a sense of community, of chit chatting with neighbors in the parking lot. I miss being around young single people.

Most folks who live in apartments in my city are young and single. Houses here are fairly cheap compared to other cities. So renters tend to be younger and childfree and single, more or less. 

This particular apartment complex is located in a part of town where fitness is king. There is a smoothie shop, bike shops, running shops and a big ole trail with plenty of eye candy in the vicinity. Its abs-a-go-go. And of course, its summer and everyone is working out their ultra buff bodies with the least clothing possible sticking to their sweaty frames. Kinda gross. Kinda awesome. 

Today, for hours, my sole view was of hot topless guys working out in the on-site fitness center. This is about as close to actual sex as I want to get these days and it counts as one of the major perks of my new employment.

Also, it appears that my co-workers are single. So far, neither one of them has mentioned a significant other. 

But the biggest change, aside from a regular paycheck, is that I'll be working with the public: The single, athletic, apartment renting public! There are fellow potential Singlutionaries everywhere. Because single people who can afford these apartments aren't sitting around waiting for a partner to provide them with the good life: They already have it. And single people who are so busy running the trail and swimming in the springs and biking the greenbelt aren't sitting around pining away for someone to make their life fun and healthy and exciting: It already is!  And if you're living the good life and enjoying your time in the city and on the lake, well, you're NOT going to be a desperate dater. Everywhere I turn there is Singlutionary (and fitness) inspiration. 

Which is not to say that just because you can't afford to live on the park, you're not Singlutionary material. There are Singlutionaries everywhere. But there are places that attract greater numbers of singles and places that attract greater numbers of people who are really living and enjoying their lives. The place I work is one of them. 

And, yeah, there is also free coffee/tea and soda AND a free massage chair. And a greenbelt view from the business center.

Oh bliss. Utter bliss. I work days in a bastion of Singlutionary-ness and I go home at night to my four bedroom house with the brightly painted rooms, chicken and vegetable filled backyard, an over 20lb dog who always gets dog hair all over the sofa. 

I truly have the best of both worlds!

House. Garage. Tent.

Today I am cleaning out my garage or at least trying to make sense of it. Two years ago I lived uncluttered in a studio apartment. Now I have a garage the size of that very studio full of crap. I have no idea why these things are there, what they are or why they are taking up so much room. A great majority of the stuff is stuff that needs to be recycled in some special way (like paint cans or toxic stuff) and the rest of it is stuff I'm saving for various unannounced art projects. There are also a lot of house parts and car parts and a bike and about 20 suitcases/travel bags.

And then there is my camping stuff. It takes up a whole section of the garage. I haven't been camping in about a year and before that it was more like two years.

I love camping. And I am not getting rid of my stuff!

But, while I am trying to make sense of the garage, I hear the voice of my phantom spouse in my head nagging me about my camping stuff. Am I really ever going to go camping again? I have a house and a dog and I no longer live in beautiful California where the weather is perfect and there are alpine mountains and rivers and beaches. Nor do I live in Utah or Wyoming where there are even more mountains and lakes and vistas and trees and wilderness galore. Its hot here. There are lots of sketchy bugs and snakes and flash floods and other nasty things and anyplace nice is at least 2 hours from my home in the the city. 

So basically, I have a sitcom episode going on in my head where the wife wants the husband to get rid of his precious whatever and he resists and they have a whole freaking episode about whatever it is. In this case its a tent and a sleeping bag and a backpack and a camp stove, etc. 

I think it's interesting that I am the man in this episode. I find myself being the man is most of the sitcoms episodes which play only in my mind.

And I am glad that this is my house, my garage and I can keep all my camping stuff no matter how much room it takes up!

This whole experience should make me simply smile and spend another day thinking how grateful I am that I am single. But, when it comes to camping, one of the reasons I don't camp anymore is lack of company. I have no problem with camping by myself. I'm not scared of the dark or anything like that. But camping, most of often, is a social activity, an opportunity to bond without all the distractions of technology and modern life. It is about simplicity. I could always go with my dog and we could bond an marvel at the immense creativity and engineering brilliance of nature. And if I have a chance to go camping and nobody to do with, that is what I'll do. 

But I do miss camping with friends. I miss ambling conversations and ambitious hikes and lounging in whatever body of water we are next to. I also miss the combined energies and the building enthusiasm, the mutual excitement surrounding a trip.

I am a member of several meetup groups which have camping and hiking outings on their calendars but I can never seem to get the right days off from the rest of my life to go with them. Plus, if I have to choose between going with a group and going by myself, I would rather go solo. I don't want general company. I want good company. Camping is a test of compatibility. 

If I were sitting around with time to go camping saying: "But I can't go camping by myself. Its too hard. I'm too scared. Blah. Blah. Blah." Then I would kick myself in my own Singlution and tell myself to throw that stuff in the car and just start driving until I found a pretty place to pitch my tent.

But I have camped solo. And it was wonderful and it was also boring. After 24 hours, I was tired of my own thoughts and just went to bed early. I guess, when it comes down to it, the thing that I love about camping is not merely being alone in nature but sharing that experience with someone.  

So my mission now is to find someone new to share it with. And to put a priority on finding some time to go camping which is hard when there are so many things to do with the house and in the garden and when I have commitments six days a week. 

Maybe if I go camping I'll end up making friends with other campers. Of course the last time I did that I ended up making friends with a guy who might very well be featured on America's Most Wanted. I didn't know how sketchy he was until after I got home but something had prompted me to leave a day earlier than planned. 

So. Practical ways to go about meeting a camping kindred spirit:

1. Go on day hikes with meetup groups and try to find a friend

2. Just go camping and be open to meeting other (non-criminal) campers

3. Invite friends to go camping even if I'd usually assume that they're too busy

4. Actually make time in my own life to go even if it means going solo for a day because anything is better than pitifully pining away for a night in the pine trees.