Singlutionary Job Search

All this week I've been agonizing over my job situation. Before this month, I was unemployed for two months without a clue as to what I wanted to do next. I just knew that I didn't want to return to anywhere that I'd been.

I also struggled with accepting that I NEED a job. I mean, I don't NEED a man/partner/relationship/spouse so why would I NEED a job? Can't I just do it myself and have my own business and make a life for myself that way?

Well, I can. But right now I need income.

So. I NEED a job.

(It took me two whole months just to accept that).

Anyways. I am looking now, diligently, for a full time job. This week I had two interviews and at the same time I was working full time, for 2/3 of my usual pay, at a temp job in a call center.

Talk about desperate!

But the thing is that this job, which I took so reluctantly, only out of desperation, has been the best thing ever. I even got a mini-promotion there after just a couple days. I feel appreciated, I feel that it is OK to be smart. I feel rewarded for being smart and quick and a good worker.

I have been pretty beaten up by jobs lately. This job lifts me up. This crappy little temp job with a not-so-nice commute and lousy pay is a TOTAL BLESSING.

So, while I know that this job is not long-term material, I've decided to stay there until after I get back from India. This way I can focus on negotiating a salary when I get a full time job and not take lower pay just so that they'll let me take off time in March to travel.

Also, this way I can go to India for longer since most of the expense is in the plane ticket.

This jobs pays me just just just enough to scrape by and to save a tiny bit of money. But it is so much fun. It is Friday and after working a 40 hour week (which I am not accustomed to) I feel energized, not drained.

I never once had to defend my integrity or my abilities this week. I never had to sit there and take it while someone tore me apart. I didn't get bitched at for not taking enough initiative one minute and then bitched at for taking out the garbage or using too many swiffers the next.

I've been in abusive relationships. Both with men and with employers. And it has been so long since I've been treated WELL that I kinda forgot what it was like. I forgot that I am deserving of praise and respect. I forgot that I AM smart and a good worker and employable and promotable.

At my last job I was refused a promotion for a job that I was already doing. And then I got fired. That was after my boss told me that I had a horrible personality and condescended to me every single day for three and a half months.

Before I became Singlutionary, I was so desperate to be in a relationship that I would take any kind of treatment (for a while at least) because I thought that if there were problems, I just wasn't trying hard enough. I've never been in a relationship where I was praised and respected and valued, where it was OK to be smart and hard working and funny. I've always been viewed by my boyfriends as inherently wrong either because I don't like music enough or I didn't want to have orgies during the full moon or I don't want to bear his children within 8 months or because I need time to work on my car instead of playing with his balls. (You think I am joking about some of these things but ALL of them are true.)

I need to apply the Singlutionary approach to jobs. I am unwilling to work in an environment that does not value me, where I have to pretend to be something that I am not in order to avoid punishment, where I am abused, lied to, taken advantage of and clearly disliked.

This temp jobs is a blessing just in the nick of time. It is saving me from financial ruin, it is reminding me of my better qualities, rebuilding my self esteem and it gives me a platform from which I no longer have to be desperate in my job search.

No, I can not pay off my debts in any reasonable amount of time working at this job. No, I can not buy my country ranch with this job. No, I can not afford to eat out or buy a car or remodel my bathroom with this job.

But I can afford to be choosy.

I can afford to wait for a good job to come along for a good company with the right benefits. I can afford to wait until a job opens up in an office where I would fit in. I can afford to interview my interviewer just as much as they are interviewing me. I can refuse to work at a property that I don't like.

Of course, no job is perfect. I am not looking for perfection. I am sure there will be days when people grate on my nerves and there will be policies which offend me. But I'm not going to get fired again. I'll quit before that happens. I'll quit at the 1st sign of insanity.

But more importantly, I now have the luxury of carefully considering every job offered to me.

I've been extended a 2nd interview for a permanent job which would pay almost twice as much as my temp job, plus benefits. But I know I don't want it. I know that it is not a good fit, that I am too smart and too ambitious for the office, that the company is too small and that the property is not expensive enough and the residents are unsophisticated.

(That last part sounds REALLY judgemental but if you work 40 hours a week in an apartment complex, you want to be in a nice one. TRUST ME. Otherwise there are a lot of evictions and collections. Also, things fall apart faster in lower rent complexes and they don't get fixed and there is more crime, etc. But nicer complexes often have lots of very interesting people, many of whom are single, who travel and explore the world and have interesting careers and hobbies, etc. )

So I am going to work at this temp job until India and then for a little while after that. I am so excited to KNOW what I am doing for the next 2 months. I've been living life day-to-day, instant-to-instant for the past 3 months now. I am excited to commit to this job for a short period of time, knowing that eventually I'll have to move on. I am excited to be working, to know approximately what my schedule is like. I am excited for payday.

But most of all, I am excited to have the ability to sit back and enjoy my job search, to feel less frantic about it and to quit being desperate!!!

My Personal Singlution

Before I started this blog in January of this year, I had spent the 10 months prior in my own personal hell. It was a hell of transformation and while I did not survive unscathed, I did survive it.

I'm not a religious person but I am a faithful one and I put a lot of my hopes and dreams into things I can't see or touch. I have faith that I am doing the right thing, that I will be led in the right direction, that people are inherently good and seek to do good. I had faith in my pursuit of an acting career, in starting over in a new city, in saving trees, in telling stories through film, in my friends which I consider my family. Before last year, I'd lost faith in various causes, organization, processes (the government, for example) but never had a loss of faith cut so deep to the core of who I am. What was this crisis or crises? What is the story that led to the Singlution? There is no way in heck that I am able to recount that hell in a mere blog post. But what I can say is this:

I am a different person than I was a year and a half ago. I am a different woman than I EVER was. People keep growing and changing in tiny ways all the time but if you've ever experienced an avalanche in your life you'll know what it is to wake up one day and not know who you are. 

For many days I woke up and I couldn't recognize myself. Who was I without my sister? Who was I without my best friend? And what had happened to the man that I truly truly thought I was going to marry and had already sacrificed many aspects of myself for? And worst of all, what was I going to do with my life if I wasn't going to be an actor anymore? What was my calling and why did the calling that I had placed so much faith in seem to leave me high and dry? Why was I exhausted? Where was my enthusiasm and joy? What had happened to my youth?

These days I wake up and I've gotten used to the new me. I still feel heavier than I used to (both in my body and in my soul) but I know that in time that heaviness will transform into groundedness and I'll be back to my sprite-like ways. 

Tonight, I socialized for the first time since I became the Singlutionary and started writing this blog (at which time I finally began to understand the post-crisis me). I didn't think of this evening as a test in any way: I just knew that I had things on my calendar which I had committed to doing despite feeling rather ambiguous about them (as I do with most public interactions these days). If this evening were a test, however, I passed with flying colors which means is that I am getting confident in my own skin again, that I have gotten to know myself well enough to stand on my own two feet and not shake in my boots.

I attended two functions tonight. The first one you can read about below. The second one will have to wait for another post.

Function 1: A friend's birthday party. This friend actually lives in my neighborhood but we rarely see each other. We met through a group I led when I was still a realtor and our main common ground is environmentalism, mainly personal sustainability (not using throw away stuff, composting, recycling, etc). Little was I to know that there were three tests waiting for me at this event:

Test 1: Being surrounded by enviro people and not feeling alienated. 

I used to be a pretty hard core environmentalist. And then I lost faith in environmentalism. I still am an environmentalist except I no longer wear my green on my sleeve. I ignore a lot of bad things that go on in the world and try and do my best but I accept that I am a human being and that other people breathing and eating and farting on this earth are human beings as well. But the super-earth-conscious-crunchy-granola-activist community used to be MY community. I used to be one of them. And I'm not anymore. I always looked a little mainstream so sometimes I would see real hippies quietly passing judgement on me because I wasn't patchouli smelling enough to really understand. Oftentimes recently I've passed judgement on liberal enviro folks for what I consider to be uber-negative/never-good-enough thinking. 

There were plenty of moments tonight when I could have felt frustrated or where I could have passed judgement and thought "that kind of alienating attitude is what is holding us back". But instead I just thought: "Gosh, its good to be back with my people, hearing them talk about these things. Its good to remember those times and to know that this community still exists and that I am still here on the periphery of it. I enjoy the periphery."

Test Two: Sizing up Skinny Enviro Landscaper and then Letting Him Go

When I was more at the center of the environmentalist community, I was always trying to find a fellow treehugger for a mate. I thought we could get together and hug a tree so hard that we would conceive and give birth to our own tree offspring and be a true forest family. I was desperate to find someone who loved the earth as much as I did. And I acted crazy because of it. I let lots of hippie artist types freeload off my spirit, my money, my time all because I so desperately needed to be loved and acknowledged by the activist world. Anytime I met a guy who was single and who was an activist I fell in love with him. And they never liked me, never were interested in committing to me. The thing about activism is that it has its own culture of stars and status and since my job put me close to these heroes at the center, other people wanted to be close to me because through me, they could get access to these treehugging stars. Once, I thought this giant peace dove making artist was going to confess his love to me but instead he confessed his love of my boss to me. Lets just say that I never need to have that experience again. 

Tonight, when I found myself talking to a young-ish/seemingly unattached/possibly straight eco landscaper my old habits came back to me. I started sizing him up, trying to figure out if he might/possibly/maybe be interested in me, etc. And then I took a step back, looked at myself and laughed. What did I want with this skinny landscaper with bad posture who drinks smoothies every day and waxes on about the detriments of compostable disposable cups. Nothing. Nothing aside from pleasant conversation which for me was entirely nostalgic and enjoyable in-so-far that it never happen again. 

Test Three: Seeing the guy-I-though-was-bi (and was just plain ole gay).

I had an uber crush on this man when I first moved to this town. He looked like Jeff Goldblum. He was the interior designer for a restaurant I was working at and although years my senior, he was an artist (ahem. dysfunctional freeloader) and he could relate to me (ahem. immature). Anyways, I saw this guy come in and recognized him but at first I couldn't really put my finger on it. I thought he had skipped town or got sent to jail for a longer stint so I needed to be convinced that it was really him. He'd also aged in three years from looking 45ish to looking 50ish. And he is still hot and still charming and still throws off my gaydar completely.

In the past, I would have felt so humiliated by my previous attraction to this man and equally so angry at him for being such a self-centered dysfunctional in my life. But instead I was entertained. I doubted that he would recognize me and if he did I wasn't afraid to interact with him. But I did enjoy observing him and trying to see what clues I missed, not to his sexual orientation, but to his level of sanity/functioning. I decided to size him up and see what I saw in him now that I'm older and wiser. Conclusion: I can't blame myself for being attracted to him. But the red flag was in his posture. He is very tall, so its hard to notice but he betrays his confidence outward charm by a certain crookedness in the way he walks. Note to self: Start noticing posture when sizing up sanity levels in strangers.

So an event that could have beaten the stuffing out of me merely sent me home with several light observations which, although based on where I've been, should serve me well wherever I am going.

Working Relationship

As my match.com experiment is coming to a close, I realize that I have learned quite a bit from dating. It wasn't anything I didn't already know but dating allowed me to put into practice my newfound standards, boundaries and ideals. I'm happy to say that I am no longer a desperate dater and I now have the experience and newfound confidence to prove it.

This freedom from desperate dating comes from knowing myself and enjoying my life. Its a lot harder to compromise myself into oblivion when I already love the life I am living. If a date doesn't call me I don't sit around thinking about all the things I might change about myself so that I would be more acceptable or attractive, I just shrug my shoulders and go look at the pumpkin vine in my backyard and marvel at how fast it is growing. I no longer expect first dates to lead to second dates which then lead to happily-ever-after. In fact, I don't expect some knight in shining armor to walk into my life, be perfectly compatible with me and sweep me off my feet. I'm just not worried about it.

Plus, its hard to sweep me off my feet without a struggle. I don't want to ride off into the sunset. I want to watch my garden grow and harvest the vegetables and carve jack-o-lanterns. I have roots and I have dreams and I'm not particularly keen on being carried off on a horse so that I can clean someone else's stables. 

I'm unwilling to give up the good things about myself in order to please or appease another person.

Lately, I'm having a parallel revelation in regards to my (nonexistent) acting career. I've spent so much time trying to be acceptable and marketable that I have totally forgotten who I am as an actor. I don't even enjoy acting. I don't even remember what good acting feels like. All I do is try and figure out what the agent, casting director, coach, client wants me to be. 

No wonder it isn't working out.

Just like any relationship-gone-wrong, I went into acting for love. I loved the way I felt when I was acting, I loved telling stories and I loved the way movies are made. I loved the collaboration and the project-centered work and I thought I had something to contribute. And I most likely did and I most certainly still do. 

But then came the advice. Relationships and acting are two things that everyone seems to unreservedly give advice on even if they suck at them themselves (look at me and all the relationship advice I give, for example)! Here is some of the advice I would constantly get as an actor: Why don't you change your image? Have nice nails, get a good haircut, look more asian, wear brighter colors, be skinny. Why don't you work on your audition technique? Don't blink too much, be confident, be relaxed, learn to speak with accents, learn to cheerlead, learn to ride a horse, learn martial arts. Why don't you: move there or move here or attend this function or that function or talk to this cousin of mine or that friend of my sister or why don't you hang out at this coffee shop? Why don't you take this class because the teacher is awesome and then you have to take that workshop because it will change your life and then you have to kiss this person's ass because it tastes like marshmallows. 

And in all this din, somewhere, was me. But I was fading by the second. No wonder I didn't feel confident and relaxed when I knew that inherently I had already screwed up by not having the right skills, the right personality, the right clothes, the right look. 

I don't know when it happened exactly, but over time this relationship stopped being about love and became about trying to be someone or something I am not so that I could be more attractive, more desirable, more bookable. And what for? What was I trying to attract? Did I really want to book that commercial with the cheesy script after all? How desperate was I for money/acceptance/success? How much money had I already spent on trying to improve my image or my resume? How much career success in other fields had passed me by while I was desperately trying to get ahead? How many days had I put off working on my car so I wouldn't have grease under my nails? How much of my own life had I sacrificed for this career and what was I getting out of it?

Nothing. 

So I'm breaking up with show business. One day I'd like to be friends with it but on my own terms; with dirt under my nails and wearing Birkenstocks (I don't really own any Birkenstocks but I couldn't find a better way to sum up my lack of desire to look like a proper Hollywood actress). Right now I just have to spend some time with myself and find an acting class which isn't about technique or auditioning and is just about acting for the sake of acting. Because good stories are still worth telling. And somewhere inside me there is still a good actor and I really need to find her. 

Awesomely enough, in the synchronicity of single blogs, Christina at Onely posted a humorous bit today about her romantic entanglements with her writing (aka Mr. Mike Rosoft Word).

Dear Singlutionary!

I know that I gush a lot about the fantastic sense of support and community that I get from the singles blogging community and from writing Singlutionary. Well, that sense expanded even more this week when I received emails seeking advice/support from two readers:

The first reader is from Australia and wrote that she is looking for an online community of single female friends through an email group. Of course an email group has no geographical boundaries but can offer a great deal of support and more intimate friendship to folks the world over. Friends are IMPORTANT to Singlutionaries so I am all for the idea of people starting email groups especially when not everyone lives in a wonderful vibrant city and might *need* to connect beyond their neighborhood to find some single kindred spirits. As I hear more details about this email group, I will be sure to blog about it.

The second reader found me by doing an internet search for Susan Boyle. How did THAT happen? I was going to post something about Susan Boyle but haven't yet. Anyways, this reader asked that I write about two things: newly coupled people ditching their single friends only to come crawling back after-the-fact and choosing singleness over ickypoo relationships. Here is what I have to say about each of those issues:

Newly Coupled People Ditching Their Single Friends

Ew. Gross. There is nothing more rude or heartbreaking than having a BFF one day and no BFF the next. This is really really hurtful and I know because I have been through it. Our friends are essential pillars in our support networks and are sometimes more capable of being "there" for us than family. Sometimes friends ARE family especially if family is absent or dysfunctional or can't relate to a certain aspect of your life. Unfortunately, I don't think that our culture reveres friendship very much. Friends are something for childhood before the "real" stuff like marriage and children comes into play. There is this perception that when we grow up we don't "need" our friends anymore. Unfortunately, this assumption lies on the premise that every one "grows up" when they get married and that everyone gets married at exactly the same time as all their other friends so that nobody is left out. And that is a faulty concept because married people still need friends, and good ones too!

So, why do people ditch their friends when they get into a relationship? Sigh. I think this is partly due to culture and this concept that romantic love "sweeps you off your feet". There are people who want to feel so wrapped up in their partner that they can not see or hear anyone else. Also, as a practical matter, people only have a certain number of social hours and when a new person comes on the scene, they have to balance out those hours with the time they usually spend with friends. Part of the Singlutionary mindset is to have a full satisfying life with our without a partner. If your life is full and satisfying and you're not wah-wah-waiting for Mr./Mrs. Right all day long, the chances that you're going to run off in the sunset (never to be seen again) with him/her are more slim. Still, while I hope to contribute to the singles movement where singledom and friendship are honored and revered just as much as romantic relationships, I can't just cast a magical Singlutionary spell on the world so that everyone behaves the way I want no matter how much I want to.

What I can do is offer up what I have learned from my own hard knocks with friends:

1. Seek out friends who are happy, satisfied singles (or coupled Singlutionaries). A big red flag for me when making a new friend is if she only wants to do men-seeking activities like go to bars to talk to meet guys, etc. Our interests must be beyond finding a man together. 

2. Learn to enjoy at least a little bit of solitude. I know that this is super hard for people with the opposite personality type of me. I love alone time but some people feel antsy and anxious when alone. Might I be a little cliche and suggest taking a yoga or meditation class? There, in the company of others, you'll clear out your mind and be alone in there and see that its not so scary after all. Its just . . . peaceful. If you learn how to be your own best friend, you'll realize that you're never totally alone.

3. Get good at making new friends because no matter how awesome your current friends are, there are times in life where they won't (for whatever valid reasons) be able to be there for you. They might be sick or overwhelmed or getting a divorce and simply unable to be a friend because they are struggling so hard just to keep their own life together. Its easy to feel angry and abandoned anytime someone you count on goes missing from your life but sometimes you just have to let them be. This is a great time to make new friends. Meetup.com is a great resource but if you don't live in a major city, try an online community for singles or take classes, join a group that interests you, hang out at the coffee shop or any place where people gather. Practice spotting people who look like they might have something in common with you. Finding new friends is like dating so try not to feel rejected when it doesn't work out at first. Most of the time, its just a timing thing: you need a new friend and the potential new friend is trying to juggle too many other commitments at the moment.

4. Explore your interests. I think a lot of people have things they really want to do (mine is: take a day trip out to that one little town and explore) but they are waiting to be in a relationship to do it. Do it yourself. If you can afford to, take surfing classes instead of waiting for a hunky surfer to walk into your life, take you in his/her strong arms and show you how its done. I know its scary to join up in things all on your own and ideally you'd have a friend to go with you but if you just buck up and do it anyways, chances are you'll meet a new friend doing the very thing you sat around for three months wishing you had a friend to it with. And even if you don't make a new friend, this is another opportunity to get to know yourself better!

The same reader also asked about accepting being single after a series of really bad relationships. This is what I have to offer up on THAT one:

I have so been there. I too felt like I was behind since the time I was 13! Yes! 13! I know, I am a total nutcase. When I was 13, I felt like it was too late for me, that I would never catch up and that I would never be happy in a relationship. Of course my adolescent despair proved to be somewhat correct because for the next 15 years I would continue to feel like I was behind, like I would never be in a good relationship and that there was something inherently and essentially wrong with me which made all this the case. And my thinking played out in real life creating a vicious cycle.

All of my relationships were lacking. Some were better than others. Some even bordered on being good but for the most part the suffering I experienced far outweighed the pleasure. 

I was desperate. I took up with anyone who could put two sentences together. I didn't even ask if maybe they could do a third sentence just to be sure they were competent. If a guy liked me and wasn't too annoying, I liked him. That was the way it worked. 

And that is why I now love being single! I think that the very first thing in finding a partner who isn't going to use and abuse you is to know your own worth. How could I know my own worth if I was running around with idiots who wanted the world from me in exchange for a cheese cracker? I needed some time and space to get to know myself. Now I am learning about myself and every day I am impressed by how amazing I am. I guess you could say that I am falling in love with myself but that is super cheesy and the fact that I wrote that kinda makes me want to barf. Anyways, I am wonderful! I value myself and the things I can do with my life more and more every day. More than that, I value, for the first time, the life that I have built for myself. Because of this, I would never let some idiot guy come in and smash up my awesome little life with his sledgehammer of idiocy. 

One thing I've noticed about myself in the past months is that I am way more picky about who I let into my life. This goes for men and for women, for guys I meet on match.com and people I meet in my community. Because I have taken the time to get to know myself and realize all that I have to offer, I want to be around people who also have a lot to offer and know how to share it. 

I used to live my life like a love free-for-all. I was that girl on the parade float throwing out candy to the crowd. I just gave myself away. I worked for far less money than I was worth, I gave away my time to anyone who asked for it, I supported freeloaders, etc. Now I am still riding in the parade but I am just sitting there satisfied basking in my own joyfulness and hanging out with the other folks on my float and smelling the zillions of flowers all around me (in this fantasy I have no allergies). 

I guess what I am trying to say is that being single is not sad or lonely or depressing. It can be one of the best opportunities of your life. And being single does not mean giving up on love. In fact, I think that choosing to be single is exactly the opposite!

My House and Me: One Less Ounce of Desperation Part 1

I've written about desperate dating but there are two sides to that icky-poo coin. There are the effects of desperate dating and then there are the causes.

Until recently, I never was really able to pinpoint the cause of my own desperation when it came to relationships with men. 

I grew up pretty feminist. My mom never entered me into a beauty pageant and set an example by doing home repair projects on her own. She didn't even take my dad's last name. But at the same time, my parents had pretty traditional gender roles. My dad worked. My mom stayed home and then went to work part-time when I was in school. So while I was taught that men could (and should) cook and do laundry and that women could (and should) work for a living, that was not exactly the environment that I was raised in.

I want to make it clear that I am in no way criticizing this arrangement. That was what worked for them and it wasn't based on gender as much as the fact that my dad had a good stable job and my mom was really good at fixing up houses. My dad loves routine and can deal with the day-to-day monotony of going to the same office for 20 years. My mom loves change and excitement and is a risk taker. If their personalities had been switched, I wouldn't be surprised if their roles would have been switched as well.

So, I never thought that I "needed" a man in the way some of my friends do. I've always been very independent and wanted to learn to do things on my own. I don't need a man to fix my car or take me to dinner or to make my life complete. I don't need a man to show me the way or to protect me or make me feel special. I get validation from multiple sources, from both men and women. I fix my own car, take myself to dinner and I complete me!

But under all my bravado, my whole life, I have thought that I needed to be in a relationship in order to do three things (that I am yet aware of): settle down, have financial security and enjoy life. 

The first of these subconscious assumptions began to crumble two years ago when I bought my house. I was overwhelmed. It needed too much work and I had no time and no money and I didn't have any other friends who were homeowners or a community of do-it-yourselfers to pitch in or give advice. At the same time, I was freaking out because my life pre-homeownership was incredibly mobile. I moved every year. I never had a permanent place. And while I was ready to "settle down" I felt freaked out that it was happening to me. Something just felt off, like I had forgotten to do something important. What was I giving up by settling down? I had that bad feeling you get when you pack for a trip to the tropics and you forgot to pack your bathing suit. Something was amiss. 

In buying the house, I was making a commitment. And it was a commitment that I very much wanted to make. But in the back of my mind somewhere, underneath all my independence and education and self awareness, was this idea that having a house and settling down is something one does WITH a partner. I was overwhelmed by the house because I thought I had to do everything myself. My parents had done everything themselves and only hired people to do work that required permits or expertise beyond their own. But there were two of them. And there is one of me. 

It took me a while to feel OK with paying someone to mow my yard. I mean, shouldn't I be doing that myself? It took me a while to forgive myself for taking three months to paint the living room (which has vaulted ceilings and exposed beams and required borrowing a 9 foot ladder). Why couldn't I get it done in a weekend?

And once I realized that I, on my own, could not replicate the perfection of my parent's do-it-yourself lifestyle, I could find my own balance and my own groove. It wasn't that I was missing something or defective in some way. It wasn't that I should have done things in the proper order and waited to buy as house as a newlywed. What is to guarantee that this imaginary husband is a do-it-yourselfer anyways? A huge part of my parents relationship is based on their houses. I'm not sure that I want my relationship to be based on the house. Or on dogs. Or on travel. 

But for a while, after buying the house, I felt really desperate for a man. I felt like I just couldn't cope with all the responsibilities of the house on my own and secretly I wanted some sexy carpenter/electrician/plumber/contractor/landscaper/HVAC guy to walk into my life, literally sweep me off my feet and carry me over my own threshold. But then I realized all that I would sacrifice if the house belonged to someone else and I depended up on him to do everything the house required. It would no longer be my adventure and I would not have the chance to learn more or to tackle the challenges I had so longed for. And more importantly, I realized this was the ONLY reason I wanted a man in my life so badly. I would just be using this hottie handyman for his, uh, hands *ahem*. And while that makes for a great daydream, it doesn't make for a great relationship.

This was the first of my revelations regarding my subconscious assumptions about what I can and can not do as a single. I had no idea that I had been wah-wah-waiting for someone to settle down, but some part of me was. 

I will write about my more recent experiences with finances and fun next!

Hating on Dating

Until this year, I never really dated. I thought dating was a sexist, too-formal, antiquated and artificial system for matching people up. But then again, my informal, collaborative, contemporary system of getting involved with guys was producing results which were neither joyful, genuine, productive or gender equal. 

So I tried dating. According to my mother you can't "knock it until you've tried it."

Well, I've tried it and I would now like to knock it on its ass and then eliminate it all together.

Dating for the sake of dating is inevitably going to lower your self esteem. Its a system which creates desperation. I think this might be especially true of online dating because when you pay the fee, there is a certain expectation that you'll find a mate within the given time. I was dismayed when Bosslady saw a guy on my match.com that she had seen on there 10 years ago when she was dating. Now, I am sorry but there is something wrong with that although if she finds any more of them I am going to wish I could buy me some match.com stock. I mean, desperation is always profitable. 

Dating for the sake of dating is about finding a partner and being proactive about it. So that should be a good thing, right? Maybe. I would prefer that people live their lives fully while simply being open to finding a mate instead of constantly looking under every bush and rock like they're on an Easter egg hunt (but instead of jellybeans inside the plastic egg is a diamond ring/happily-ever-after). But the reality of dating is that you go out with people who are OK but not great and you never see them again or maybe you see them again once or twice. This process is somehow degrading to the human spirit. Or at least it was for me. 

Also, even though I didn't go into the whole process intent on finding a mate, after a few dates I started to get obsessed. I wanted some validation. I wanted to meet someone who didn't think I was a loony tune after 2 hours and so I became intent upon finding a kindred spirit. My whole sense of self was suddenly riding on this magical person who "got" me and didn't make me feel like somehow less of an awesome person after I realized that I wasn't going to get past date one.

I enjoy meeting new people when they are people I will be interacting with for a while, people I can welcome into my life. But dating is very black and white. The person is either your soul mate or is not your soul mate. And when you keep meeting people who aren't your soul mate you start to wonder if you have a soul at all!

I think that dating offers a nice socially constructed system for getting to know a potential mate. And I think that dating etiquette offers useful guidelines which can make this process go smoothly. But this whole system/etiquette setup should only be used when, in the course of a wonderful, full, non-desperate life, you encounter a person you'd like to get to know better in that way. Going out looking for dates is inevitably desperate and therefore unhealthy.

So here is what I am going to do. I am going to ride out my match.com subscription. I have about a month and a half left. But I am not going to really DO anything with it. Meeting a new kindred spirit (whether a friend or a partner) is not one of those things that can be rushed or controlled. So I am just going to live my life and kinda ignore match.com. I've seen all my match's profiles a couple times now and if someone new comes on, I'll either get an email or the new person will alert me to his existence himself.

In the end, however, it would have been a better use of my time and money to pay $75 to meetup.com and organize my own meetup group for 6 months. I would meet more people with less pressure and pay less per month. Even if I didn't meet my match, I'd have more confidence and I would have made at least one friend and maybe even a community of people with common interests who actually get together and DO things. 

Hmmm. Maybe I'll do that! That can be my next experiment: A Singles Group for People who Don't Hunt Eggs. 

All I do is Watch TV: Tough Love

My life seems to be all or nothing. My days are either crazy empty or crazy full. This past week I have had a lot of free time because several projects ended. Also, I am sorta going through an(other) identity crisis since I've decided to take a break from acting and I don't know what to do with myself. All I have ever wanted to do is act. What do I do in the absence of that ambition?

I watch TV.

I saw a preview on VH1 for a new show: Tough Love. Basically these hot girls with various dating issues are sent thought an 8 week course in which they are coached out of their dating dysfunction. Great! I want to hear the honest truth about what guys think. This show sounds like fun. And since I still have another month and a half to go on match.com (my own version of dating bootcamp), I might be able to use the advice.

There are things I love about the show and things I hate. I was able to watch the 1st episode online even though it hasn't premiered yet on TV. I like hearing the truth about the girls from the guys perspective. And I really like how Steve, the matchmaker, seems to be able to genuinely pinpoint the underlying issues each of the women have. At the same time I am constantly creeped out by how young/good looking he is and how these women will all do whatever he says. Its kinda like he has his own harem and he is coaching all of them to be perfect in his eyes. Is this guy really the relationship god? How is HE is relationships? The power dynamic grosses me out. 

Not only that, but unique women need unique men. Aside from learning some social graces, these women simply aren't going to be a match with any guy in the room. 

I see a similarity in between these women and myself. They want to be coached on how to be more effective in dating but at the same time, they know who they are and they don't want to give that up. 

Does anyone else feel that on order to date appropriately, they have to give up a little of their personality, especially if they are a particularly unique individual?

I can't make up my mind if following the dating "rules" is just good manners or if it is some sort of deception. Because if I am just my self from the beginning, I'll eliminate all the men who can't handle me right up front. 

Which is what I have been very effectively doing. 

The difference between me and the women on this show is that I am OK with it.

Singlutionary Resurfaces!

I haven't posted in a few days. I've been either busy or exhausted or dating.

I miss my solitude!

I never intended this blog to be about dating. This is about living a joyful full life as a single. In some ways, dating is a part of this because there are healthy joyful fulfilling ways to date and then there are destructive, demoralizing ways to date too.

I am proud to make a few announcements:

1. One of my single friends who does not read this blog and who is a desperate dater actually took my advice! Yay! She was spending all this time with this guy who had told her he wanted to just be friends but then he would snuggle her sometimes and she would build up in her mind all these thoughts about how he was into her. Well, one night she thought they were going to bed to do a little more than snuggle and he passed out drunk! I guess he snored really loud, so she got up and went home. I felt like she was wasting her time with this guy who wasn't even being a good friend and she should ditch him and start living her life without desperately trying to get involved with him!

And she did! Welcome to a new Singlutionary!

2. I have decided to give up on the MBFF (Man Best Friend Forever) with benefits! Many of the responses I got were creepy or annoying. I felt like most of the guys responding either wouldn't be the friend I am looking for or were just trying to get laid. I appreciate the effort everyone put into their replies and I think there were some decent guys who responded but I realized that finding a BFF is just as hard as finding a life-partner. At least, for me. It may be easier for Paris Hilton. And I am so overwhelmed by match.com dates anyways that I can't be trying to scout out my new BFF at the same time. If I make a new BFF from dating, great.

3. I am so sick of dating but I've decided to keep on keeping on until my 3 months run out. This decision is based mainly on the cheap-skate aspect of my personality and my desire to get as much out of my 60 bucks as possible. But I've got the whole thing down to a science. I've become very efficient at eliminating guys and at getting the good ones to ask me out on a date within a week. Unfortunately, I broke my own rules and accepted a date with a guy who did not meet my criteria. A) he is 4 years younger than me-- nothing wrong with younger men but I'm not interested in 24 year olds right now B) he wasn't smiling in his profile picture. Anyways, I am going to have to back out of the date because he is already driving me nuts and writing me emails about how he misses me or was thinking about me and telling me how much he is into me. BARF! We haven't even met yet!!!

Singlutionary says: Set your own standards and then STICK TO THEM!

On a Whim or The Singlution is Catching

The Bachelor (if you hate this show as much as I do, you can skip this part)

1. I don't usually watch TV but today I went over to my bosslady's house and she was watching The Bachelor: After the Rose. I was incensed. Basically, Jason (the Bachelor) breaks off his engagement to Melissa and then turns around and tells the other girl, Molly, who he dumped 6 weeks ago that he is in love with her. The crazy crazy thing is that this same exact scenario just happened to me this past year in REAL LIFE. And the guy's name was Jason. And the other girl's name was Melissa. My name is not Molly but close enough. Anyways, I didn't take him back (my reaction was more like Melissa's).

2. Singles (especially singles over 25) seem to be perceived as people who can't settle down, commit or make up their minds. For some reason, people who are satisfied, Singlutionary-style singles get this bad wrap even worse. If you're desperately seeking company you're at least TRYING to be "normal" (coupled) but if you're solidly single then there is something wrong with you. 

3. Jason and Molly are desperate daters. I think anyone who tries to find love on a reality TV show is a desperate dater. Sorry. But Kudos to Melissa for telling Jason to get out of her life. I hope she sticks to it and spends time figuring out how fantastic she is so that she never ever ever dates a flakey ass man like that again. If she were really a desperate dater she would sit around pining away for him, wasting her time and her life, hoping that he will come back to her. Melissa, welcome to the Singlution!!

I've Decided to Take a Break from My Acting "Career"

1. Sometimes I wonder if I am a flake myself. Last year at about this time I decided to quit real estate to pursue acting full time but I am so sick of acting and the acting world and all the crap that comes along with being an actor that I am ready for a nice long break. I want to change my hair whenever I want without worrying about shooting schedules or keeping my headshots up-to-date. I want to go around without any makeup on and not care. I want to not have to think about my "image" in general. And, most importantly, I want a nice normal schedule that doesn't get jacked up all the time by annoying auditions.

2. I think that some people might think I live my life on a whim but this decision (like the real estate one) was long in coming. It seems that I do the right thing but always at the very worst time. I went into real estate right as the market crashed and I went into acting just as all the movies abandoned my state for greener pastures. 

3. I wonder if its easier to make these decisions because I am single. I used to wish that I were coupled because I thought that I would a) have support in making tough decisions, b) someone to discuss these difficult things with, c) financial support when my money-life changed and d) something/one to focus my energies on when everything else falls apart. But many of these things are really fallacies. Making a decision in a relationship could be so much harder because of how it impacts the relationship or because of how one person or the other PERCEIVES that it will impact the relationship. And because of the wonderful network of social support all around me, I have support in my decisions, people to discuss the rough patches with and people to write letters to when everything is going to hell in the handbasket. 

4. What will I fill my life with in the absence of acting? Well, its already full which is part of the reason that I need a break! I have my bosslady, I have this blog, I have my house and my dog. (Gross, that just rhymed!) I have a ton of projects on the back burner and there are some things I have been longing to do for a while now: learning to shoot, learning other languages, swimming, getting into shape, camping again, visiting my west coast homeland and various other travels, writing a book and a movie and a short movie and another book, recreational singing, finally planting a garden and keeping it alive, etc. 

I'm not a Desperate Actor

(This is the moral of the story.)

This whole Singlutionary concept is starting to seep into other parts of my life. As an actor I've pretty much been willing to do any project at any time. And in a way, this is expected of actors. I am saying "hell no" to that. Sorry. Just because I am not famous doesn't mean that I HAVE to accept an audition for something that I find disgusting (and I find most things disgusting). It also doesn't mean that I have to re-arrange my schedule and risk my sleep/health to go to an audition or be on set. And I most certainly refuse to look like a fancypants skinny bitch all the time. I just want to be myself and live life on my own terms. So I am taking a break to figure out how I can be an Actorlutionary. I know its possible but its going to take a few small adjustments in my outlook. 

Is there any other part of your life where Singlutionary principles of non-desperation apply? How does the Singlution seep out into other parts of your life?

Sexual Attraction

I suck at it. 

I went on another date tonight with a perfectly suitable man. He was nice and fun and I felt like I didn't offend him too much with my sense of humor or with my language. He carried the conversation well, was considerate and polite and generally wonderful. And I wasn't attracted to him. Not in the least. He, like the hot doctor, is a "good catch" and a good person and not bad looking to boot. He could be my new friend and we could do stuff together but I do not want to hump him. Not even in the future. I feel this way about all the guys that I've emailed on match.com. 

Which bring me back to this: My original purpose on match.com was to research the kind of person I want in my life and the kind of person I am attracted to (physically and in the law-of-attraction kind of way).

In the law-of-attraction kind of way, I am attracted to sane stable people who are a little bit unusual. 

In the sexual attraction kind of way, I am attracted to idiots and psychos. 

Before I started this blog, I had pretty much exclusively dated idiots, psychos and freeloaders. Now, I can safely say that I have dated nice guys. 

And I know for sure that I am no longer a desperate dater!

But the person I am attracted to most is still myself. I just haven't met anyone who I a) want to hump and b) is a tiny bit awesome-er than me. 

Either I am totally self involved to the point of becoming a psycho idiot myself OR I am finally living my real life and loving it! And I don't need anyone to lead the way or pay the bills or even to bump nasties with. 

*Its just so hard to be co-dependent when you're as competent as I am!*

Before I Singlutionized

Lately I've been reflecting on the past year of my life. At the same time I've been mulling over the words I most frequently hear from people who aren't "getting" the Singlution: "I want to have fun." 

A year ago I was one of those people who couldn't grasp the Singlution. I thought that "He's Just Not that Into You" (the book and the concept, not the movie) was hecka lame. I wanted to go out and pursue what I wanted. I made up lies that I told myself over and over again about the guys I was into and how they really liked me even though they didn't even hint at it. Now I am hearing the same words come out of other people's mouths and I am thinking: What the heck was wrong with my self esteem?

One year ago today I was deep deep in a crush on this guy who was completely wrong for me. The pickings in my circle were slim and he was single and he was fairly hot. And he flirted with me. He also lived with his parents and had almost been kicked out of the military. I'll admit that I like big tall buff guys and this guy was that "type". He had nice toned abs (although they were so hairy you had to feel 'em to believe 'em) and was tall and Texan and generally a kind guy. His Singlutionary name will be Hhabs (for hot hairy abs). Anyways, HHABS flirted with me when we saw each other but he never called me or asked me out. I decided this was just because he was insecure and didn't know how hot he was and because he lived with his parents. I excused the fact that he lived with his parents on the nobility of his leaving the military for personal reasons (I didn't know then that he was almost kicked out). The highlight of our non-existent relationship is when we sat next to each other and he let our thighs touch for about a hour and a half. 

Wow! I pined away for this guy? I spent nights dreaming of him and of how one day he would buck up and ride into my life on his longhorn, saving me from the strain and stress that was my daily life? I desperately (tried to) dated him by asking him to do things (which he always declined) and I figured out ways for him to give me a ride or for us to interact outside of our social circle. I wah-wah-waited for him to save me from myself!

I've never thought of myself as someone with low self-esteem and neither have the people around me. I've often been told that I don't seem to care what anyone thinks. People admire me for my independence, my bravery, my outspokenness, my confidence. Ahhhhh. Who said that our greatest strengths are also our greatest weakness?

Although I didn't seem to lack confidence, I seemed to lack some essential appreciation of my excellent life. I had no idea that I should simply sit back and admire not Hhabs's abs but my own wonderful house, my own creative creations, the communities I'd built and helped to build in my own city, etc. 

I might not have lacked confidence but I felt that something was lacking. I felt that I needed someone (anyone) to complete me. The life I had built for myself was not complete without *someone* to share it with. What I didn't realize was, at the same time, there were so many people in my life already that I was drowning in the sharing! 

A year ago today I was not the Singlutionary. I had no idea how to live a Singlutionized life or even where to begin. And I wish I could tell you exactly (simple step by simple step) how I got to here from there but I can't. It was a fairly brutal journey with a lot of hurt, loneliness and eventually, transformation. 

Yes, everyone should have fun! But there is NOTHING fun about pining away for the wrong person or in over-thinking a makeout session gone wrong. I have lots of fun living my life free from these shackles! There is nothing un-fun about the Singlution! I do what I want when I want and I am open to romantic relationships in my life. I'm just not dying for them. 

Behind on Blogging

I started this blog a little under two months ago and I am amazed by how much its added to my life. There are so many great people out there blogging about single life and they are all smart and perceptive and funny! If I don't check in for a day I come back and there is SO much to read that I get lost in reading and don't even get a chance to write! And there is so much I want to write about.

Today is my last day of being sick. I can feel it in my body. I'm antsy and wanting to get up and move and quit "resting". I haven't felt sick at all--only for one day over a week ago but this awful insane I-might-vomit-I-am-coughing-so-hard cough won't quit and I still sound like a deranged Elephant when I try and talk. So I have been trying to rest. And now I am bored of resting.

So I'm back! And I am going to report on the following: match.com, desperate daters saying they want to "have fun" (as if the Singlution isn't fun!), growing where I'm planted, where I was a year ago today (before I became singlutionarized), and more!

So I best get to it! Thanks for sticking by me while I was out of town and out of it!

Singlutionary

Singlutionary Self (and my thoughts on dating)

I think I'm done with online dating. Online dating requires two qualities which I currently do not possess: 1) patience and 2) desperation.

I am not willing to sit around waiting for the right guy to become a member and to find me and to invite me on a wonderful date and to fall in love with me. I have way more important things to do. I have way more important things to think about. And I am sick of wasting my time sorting through pages and pages of "laid back" guys only to find an ambitious guy only to find out that he is either a) a bible thumper or b) a big breeder who wants a wife who will be adopted into his huge family and raise and birth his 30 children. I would rather sit on the toilet waiting for a big turd to come out than sit on the computer waiting for a man who ISN'T a big turd to ask me out. 

Online dating (or dating at all for that mater) is great for women who want a laid back bible thumper family oriented guy. Unfortunately, that is not me. I require my own special dating website for all the non-stoner, non-bible-thumping (yet spiritual/religious), non breeding, ambitious types.

So I lack patience. That much is obvious.

I also lack desperation (for the first time in my life) so the way I went about this process was very selective. I winked at guys but I didn't initiate emails. I quit emailing men if it looked like they would never ask me out or if they asked me out in a way that was flakey and not on a real date. I quit emailing guys if they failed to ask a question in the email. And I never responded to an email that struck me as icky in any way. Sometimes it was a matter of spelling and grammar. Sometimes it was a matter of subject or tone. 

In other words. I am picky. 

There is still this little voice coming from a closet in the back of my head which says "if you don't quit being so picky, you'll never be in a relationship" or "you need to be more open to the possibilities". These voices are tired because they have been shouting at me for 15 years. 

I have no desire to lower my standards to find my match. In fact, I would prefer that I continue to learn and grow as a person and that I hold myself to an increasingly higher standard. I believe that THIS (developing an excellent relationship with myself) will attract the right people (romantic and otherwise) into my life much faster than going out with a lousy speller/wishy-washy-dater.

I went online to research the kind of person I want to be in a relationship with. I didn't find him. But I did realize many things about myself and the kind of person I want in a relationship. I also realized that the man of my dreams is so unique that only some kind of crazy god would be able to find a way to bring us together. 

So I am giving up on online dating but I am also investing my time into building a better me. And I do so with the faith that everything I do in my life is leading me closer to my true self which is also, at the same time, bringing me closer to my true match and my truest friends. 

Dating Just Makes Me Horny

Who knew that dating would further thrust open the doors of sexual desire for me. Not that I'm giving up my vow of taking-it-slow-like-a-mormon-in-middle-school but the past week has been a further reminder that my libido isn't hiding from the Singlution. 

I've been on match.com for about a week now and I've pretty much played it out. In other words, I'm still a satisfied Singlutionary. Its been an adventure though. In one week I winked at four guys, corresponded with five guys, went on a real life date with one guy and deleted a bunch of douche nozzles who want a hot sidekick or sugar mama. I pretty much deleted anyone who I wasn't interested in or who seemed too young or not my type or not interested in the same stuff or too much of a partier or had really obnoxious pictures of him half naked on his profile. 

The date was good. I'll blog about it later. And there are maybe two other guys who still have a fighting chance. 

But this whole thing isn't about the guys! Its about the adventure and what I am learning about myself. And I am still learning a lot. I want to blog blog blog all about it but I have to actually WORK too this week so I'll catch up later!

Do not worry. The Singlutionary will always (not) kiss and tell. 

Another Sign of Desperate Dating

I am learning SO much from my online dating adventure. I am learning about my bad dating habits and the way I unconsciously go about things. Here is another lesson for today:

I get super excited about new relationships (of any kind--not just romantic ones). Add that to the fact that match.com can be highly entertaining and I've spent HOURS on there during the past week. I get sucked into new things easily. Or, more accurately, I throw myself into them with abandon. 

This is NOT a good dating strategy.

I've notice that the (few) guys I'm emailing with seem to write back at the same time everyday. This might be cause they have real jobs and can't sit around all day checking their emails. Regardless, after five days, the excitement is wearing off and I am ready to settle into a pattern. I am going to check/reply to emails from my online boyfriends once a day and only once a day after all my other chores are done.

Because I am kinda self employed, its easy for me to slack off on my duties and check out rich hotties to my hearts content but this is not healthy. I do the same thing when starting out a relationship. I get so excited and so into it that I get behind on all the other important things in my life and then I get so stressed out that I become a total spaz (which is not very attractive).

Meeting my Match

As you may know, I felt derailed last week when my interest in romance was unexpectedly rekindled. 

Well, no, I am not giving up the Singlution. But there was a moment when I thought I was. 

I've never been a good dater. I've always just accepted which ever man walked into my life and I've spend the rest of the time trying to fit myself into/under/around his imperfections or our incompatibility.

So, to be perfectly honest, I have been avoiding romance/dating/making out/etc because I am afraid of it. I don't think I know how it works or what to do with it. My mystery makeout experience last week shook me out of my avoidance and I had to confront my fears.

So, of course, being the nerd that I am, I decided to do a little bit of research. I wanted to find out what kind of man I want so that when I'm approached I can have a little more confidence. 

And that is how I found myself on match.com

I'll be posting my day by day observations. So far I am glad to say that I was not turned on by the guy holding a lit cigarette in his nostril. My dating is getting a LITTLE less desperate already.

Makeout Lessons

I've threatened to give out makeout prizes before but I guess the other night I actually went and did it. 

The whole situation caught me off guard. And then it took me a couple days to get my singlution back. This post is about what I learned from the feelings/confusion/frustration that followed this unexpected makeout session. 

1. I am a different person since becoming the Singlutionary and while I may be an expert at being single I am not an expert at romance or hooking up (in any way shape or form). These things are shaky ground for me and I need to not be overly confident or feel infallible in these areas (yet).

2. Making out can feel just as confusing afterwards as actually having sex. I never thought this was possible. After swearing off sex (This calls for another post entirely which I have been incredibly reluctant to write about. It is interesting how controversial choosing to NOT have sex is.), making out feels much more intimate. I wasn't prepared for this. 

3. I am not invincible. One reason I was so freaked out after the makeout was because I felt myself snowballing towards an inevitable week of pitiful pining, wah-wah-waiting and desperate attempts at dating. I felt my Singlutionary confidence slipping away. Sometimes life shakes us up. I felt incredibly vulnerable and defenseless because I was so unprepared to be attracted to someone again.

4. I do not want a relationship of any kind right now. For me, this also means not making out or hooking up with people. Some people have asked me about how to deal with the lack of sex and affection as a single person. Until lately this hasn't been an issue for me although it is something very worth of addressing. However, for me personally, random makeouts (or hookups) isn't the answer. 

5. I forgot that I am a young attractive charismatic woman. I've been so busy writing and working and trying to figure out myself and grow into a positive, fulfilling relationship with ME that I forgot all about how other people perceive me. And I was kinda thrown off kilter by someone else being interested in me again. Which leads me to:

6. It is time for me to start engaging with the world again so that I can practice interacting with people in a way that is respectful and healthy for both me and for the individuals that I come in contact with. Most of my interactions with people these days are with a few childhood friends, my bosslady, my roommates and with people I work on projects with. I have few face-to-face peer relationships which are purely social. I am quite comfortable in a work/project/task-oriented environment but feel off kilter in social environments. So now that I am no longer a work-a-holic, its time for me to re-learn and dust off my social skills. 

Tool Academy

One of my roommates hooked us up with magic cable. I've rarely lived in a house with cable so it sucks me in pretty easily.

I have a creepy love for gross dating shows. So I was watching Vh1's Rock of Love. It was this fabulous episode where one of the girls busts a boob playing hockey. And then that girl takes all the dirty hockey socks out of the locker. Or maybe it was another blonde girl who's boobs weren't leaking. I honestly have a hard time telling the girls apart. Anyways. Yes. I admit. I watched this garbage.

But that was just a ho-ho appetizer. The main course was a show called Tool Academy. I though this might have something to do with fixing up your house or your car or nifty gadgets or even how to use tools if you are a total idiot. Nope. Its about really really awful guys who have no sense of decency of any kind and their sad desperate dating, wah-wah-waiting girlfriends.

These "tools" are so lousy to their girlfriends that I can only ask: Why are these girls still with them? How much proof do you need that the guy is a total jerk before you dump him? Is "love" really worth all of this?

The "tools" are being tested and must improve or they'll be kicked out of the Tool Academy. On this particular episode it turns out that one Tool had two girlfriends and he swaps the out the one he came to Tool University with for the one who just showed up.

This guy was NOT the one who was eliminated.

Please PEOPLE (men and women)! If you are dating someone who treats you like this and who isn't making you life better and you aren't even MARRIED, do yourself a favor and turn around and run straight in the other direction. It is not going to get better! You are most likely dating a sociopath.

The most disturbing thing to me about this show isn't how awful the guys are (obviously they aren't really interested in being in a serious relationship and their sense of identity is based on some sort of misplaced machoism) but that these women are so intent on sticking by them.

Singlutionary says: No tools for me (unless we're talking power drills and ratchets). 

Not Going Back (Why Facebook and Myspace are Satan Spawn)

If you want to feel like poo about yourself spend a little bit of time on facebook and myspace. I am pretty sure that both were inspired by Satan. If Satan exists. 

The creepiest people from my past are always trying to befriend me. 

Yesterday it was the 19 year old that I desperate dated when I was 23 just because he was available, kinda cute and his younger brother was dating my younger sister. (Slightly incesty relationships are another sign of desperate dating.) Anyways, he ended up cheating on me with the 18-year-old-sister's best friend. Or something like that. Anyways. The 19 year old and the 18 year old are still together (although they are slightly older now).

Then, this morning, I get an invite from the guy who in the 6th grade play was supposed to be Bottom. I was Titania. Anyways, even if you are not familiar with Shakespeare or with Midsummer Night's Dream you will understand this: The kid was supposed to wear these donkey pants that had a tail sewn into them. Well, he wore them BACKWARDS with a big brown hairy sausage hanging down in front. Fortunately, he never gave me the opportunity to desperate date HIM. 

My home town gives me the creeps mainly because everyone there is either married or screwed up or both. Since at this point in my life I would prefer to be neither married nor screwed up, I stay as far away from that place as I can. Even being befriended by strange yet not-quite-strangers is too close for comfort. 

If you hail from a small town (and even big cities feel small if you grew up in them) and you did a lot of desperate dating you might have a strong desire to leave the past in the past. In this case facebook and myspace truly are evil. Dwelling on my old life in that small town makes me feel desperate all over again. I've changed my ways and I'm not going back.

Making Room

The next blog is gonna be about going to bed.

Some of my days are super long and some are super short. Today was one of those days that felt super short. I had a short list of things to do and instead ended up doing a zillion other things which were more important and which took a long time. Overall I had a great day except I was so busy doing it that I can't remember where it went.

I realize that this past week, I have had no extra space in my life. I've gotten up early and gone to bed late and in between I was figuring out one thing or another all day long. Still, I am grateful that my life is flexible enough that I can skip the short list and re-prioritize so that I can do the things which need to be done in the moment. If I still worked a 9-5 type job, I might not be as able to do this. If I had children, I might not be able to do this. And if I were in a relationship, I might not be able to BE this busy and decide to throw myself so much into doing what needs to be done because I would have a whole other person to consider.

There are weeks like this in everyone's lives. Parents of young children might have it the worst (or the best depending who you're talking to) in this regard. Still, whether you're single or coupled there are days, weeks, months and sometimes even years which are so packed full of living that they are hard to recollect when they are all over.

Even things which we don't give much credence to in our culture (like taking a nice healthy turd or cleaning the toilet) take up space.

So if you're newly single remember this: the empty space where your spouse/partner/lover once stood is merely an opening for a new and potentially exponentially more wonderful relationship (and who knows, that relationship might just end up being, at first, with yourself).

If you've chronically single (and sick of it) remember this: We all make space for things and at the same time deny space for other things. Pay attention to what you are permitting into your blank space and what you are rejecting. 

If you're a desperate dater, remember this: Do not allow someone who want to be "just friends" (but then wants to flirt with you until your cooter/weewee aches) to take up all your time. You are allowing an annoying -selfish-shallow-self-involved hussy/douche to take up your space. Keep that space free and clear for the person of your dreams. 

If you are a pitiful piner, remember this: Fill that sad sad sad empty space with something you'd like to do once you're no longer single. Take a step towards the life you want instead of gazing at it from the distance. Hold your own hand and pull your face into the sun and then play tonsil hockey with the sky. Or something like that. But do something in the direction of your fantasy even if it makes you feel *gasp* a little satisfied with being by yourself or *double gasp* with a friend.

And if you're coupled, remember this:

Dude. I am the Singlutionary. I am in no way qualified to give advice to coupled people. Maybe the purple turtle will chime in.