When Singlutionary is "Sick of Being Single!"

In my last post, I mentioned that, in part, my long hiatus from blogging was due to feeling "sick of being single": I felt like a hypocrite.

But Eleanore of The Spinsterlicious Life wrote a delightful comment which inspired me to write more about the very thing which prevented me from writing.

Being single is an adventure -- especially if you're someone who has never been single and suddenly finds yourself there or if you've lived a life where you've never felt comfortable with being single but suddenly realize that learning to be comfortable with being single is the most important thing you can do for yourself.

When I started this blog 3 years ago I was excited at the thought of learning how to be happy and single. I was fresh out of a pretty sketchy relationship with my former therapist. (Duh, bad idea, right?) I was still in and barely coming out of a deep-down-supper-shitty, bad-as-its-ever-been low point. I was upset with myself for making yet another bad decision when it came to a relationship (or relationship material) and upset at the universe for all the time and space I had wasted in my life wishing for some Knight in Badboy Armor to come trotting into my life only to rip my life out of my own hands and trample it under his sexy horse.

But after being single for 2 years, the gloss and struggle of singleness wore of. There was a honeymoon period that I had with myself and it was over.

But I loved the community I had found through Singlutionary. This blog fed my soul and my fellow bloggers were a rare light for me during a very difficult time. I felt sane and comprehended and like I was a part of something important when I wrote and read and commented and conversed in the singles blog-o-sphere. So I kept trying to keep this blog up.

But I was bored. I was bored with everything. After a traumatic experience, it takes a long time to feel stable again. And at first that stability is like this great and wondrous thing. It feels SO GOOD.

And then it gets boring. Suddenly, stability is taken for granted. I wondered what was next? What would I do with my life now that I had my life back in my own hands, mended of horse hooves and heartbreak?

I needed a new real life friend, some intellectual stimulation and a job that didn't suck.

And I wanted to be with someone in a sexual/love relationship because THAT seemed like the new adventure. And because I'd finally got enough confidence in myself and in the world to think that being in a relationship could be a positive thing -- as long as I did it Singlutionary style.

Well, the first relationship was a disaster of needyness. I was Singlutionary and the other member of this relationship was Needilutionary. It was over almost before it began, but not soon enough.

I was so glad to be single again after that 4 month 1st try.

But I hadn't had sex in over 2 years and I was on the prowl. But THAT story is the subject of another post.

The point of this post is that even if you're totally happy and comfortable with being single, sometimes you get bored. Sometimes you're bored because your job is boring or because your friends are all old farts or because you're an old fart and only like to watch old episodes of The Wonder Years on VHS and think about the olden days.

Sometimes you're horny because you haven't had sex in 2 years and you've just turned 30.

It is OK to crave a new adventure! Sometimes this adventure means going offline for a bit, or quitting writing for a bit. And sometimes this adventure means trying out that thing that we're all about doing just fine without -- a relationship.

What adventures are you craving? When do you know that you're entering into this new adventure not out a desperate need to get away from where-you-are but because you're ready to share where-you-are with the world?

Comment Away!

Love,

Singlutionary

PS: The wordpress site isn't quite ready yet but getting a little closer every week. My new academic/work/social schedule permits me to check in, comment, read and post about once a week so it will be a matter of weeks before the transition to wordpress is complete.

Seeing Singlutionary

I've been more or less absent from blogging for over a year now. And although, during this time, I very much wanted to write, wanted to continue to participate in the happily single online community -- I also felt like I had nothing to say.

Either I had nothing to say, or I couldn't figure out what to say.

Writing stopped feeling cathartic because suddenly, being single & happy was, well, boring. I was content. My issues weren't around being single but around working out other kinks in my life.

And, for part of the past year I was not single. I was unhappily coupled, trapped in a strange relationship that I have no idea how I wound up in. It was a friendship gone awry which did teach me a few things about myself that I wasn't aware of: That I am seduceable despite my better intentions, that I am ambitious beyond my wildest beliefs and that I am incompatible with a broad range of personality traits which include heavy drinking, annoying questions and general neediness.

I tried to ride out the relationship with grace in order to save the friendship and failed.

It just wasn't something that I wanted to write about. Especially knowing that my blog would be read by said love-disaster.

A good portion of the year has transpired since that relationship came to a close and I am beginning to experience new revelatory interactions which might result in something more than a post saying "I'll be back soon".

I've also been blessed with many free books which need to be reviewed.

So, tonight, this Friday night, three months after my last post, I am finally on that long awaited date with my blog.

I could be on a date with a man. I have a few prospects, all of which are promising both physically and intellectually. But I am not. I am at home, being the homebody that I am and grateful for this time to jump back into the Singlutionary world.

Even though I suspect that I will not feel single much longer. Because, I have now at my disposal a growing community of smart, funny and interesting men.

Being without men was the only thing that was an issue before. Not in a romantic or even sexual way (although missing sex and intimacy was definitely an issue at times) -- but in some kind of yin/yang balance. I need men in my life just as I need friends with various perspectives and upbringings in my life. I need that male perspective and -- to be quite honest -- the masculine quality in general.

Some of the best times I had this year were with men who I am not romantically involved with -- I hiked to the top of Angel's Landing in Zion and spent a week in Chicago discussing Shakespeare with my Comical Cousin and a week ago today I spend the day hiking outside of Vegas to a delicious hot spring with (an admittedly sexy) Future Fed. And lately Tall Turtle has been buying me beers and generally showing me a good, laid back time (OK, so there is obviously some potential romance there).

But, in general, I think I've finally learned how to be friends with men. And it is a great experience and fills the place in my life that was made empty when my female friends all defected to marriage and babies.

And this blog, my Singlutionary life, is here on Friday nights when the best thing to do is check up with all the wonderful single people out there and their creative, interesting, engaging lives which are so full and joyful and positive despite being considered, by many of our culture, to be missing their "other half".

Singlutionary's 30th Birthday Eve

I am writing this in the last 45 minutes of my 20s.

Over the past few years, I've gone through a wide range of emotions about turning 30, especially while single. Some of these feelings surprised me: I didn't know that certain insecurities or desires existed until I felt like the chance for them was drawing to a close.

Two years and some odd months ago, I was in a relationship which seemed like bliss for about two months and then unwound into months of turmoil. During the good times, I remember thinking: "I will be married by the time I'm 30 after all." I was surprised by how relieved and proud I felt. In marrying before 30, I would be accomplishing something that everyone could understand. Through marriage, I would prove to the world and, more importantly, to my family and friends near and far that I was worthy of undivided love, that I was attractive, sexually vital and successful in the most basic human way. I would be a good person, a good woman and by extension, a good friend, niece, daughter, cousin.

I had never realized how alienated I had felt from my friends and from most of my family because of my typically single status. I never realized how much people people worried about me, even pitied me because they felt something essential was missing in my life. I had no idea how much I had internalized this feeling.

When I thought that I would be married within the conventional timeframe, I felt, for the first time ever, that I had some kind of magic ticket to normalcy that I had always yearned for but had never been given.

At that time I was still only 27.

Since then, I have mulled over my fear of turning 30 and have come to face this new decade (now only 31 minutes away) with excitement and relief instead of fear and angst.

My late 20s were not easy. They were full of career failures, financial struggles, personal loss and general confusion. In many ways, it won't be hard to say goodbye to the consternation and frustration and grief of recent years.

And I'm not 20 anymore and I know things about the world. I have experience -- lots of it. And experience is something that can never be taken away from me. I've survived things that I never thought I would have to face.

I had a crisis just a few months ago when I first began to consider setting out on the long road towards a PhD. I realized that by choosing to commit the next 7 years to academic life, the opportunity to have biological children very well might pass me by. At the time I was slightly involved with a man who very much wanted wholesome biological children raised on milk and wheat bread. I mentioned my potential PhD aspirations to him during our last real phone conversation. Two weeks later he flippantly bowed out of our travel arrangements and said something about incompatibility. And that was it.

In the past 10 years I have learned that in choosing one thing, I am also NOT choosing so many others. Spending most of my 30s in school may very well end up being a choice against having a kid that carries my genetics although it doesn't eliminate my chance to be a parent.

And I am OK with that. If being pregnant and giving birth to my own spawn was super important to me, I would have chosen so many different ways to spend my 20s. I've always wanted to adopt older children and I've always known that by doing so, I can buy myself some time against the generation gap: If I am 40 and adopt a 7 year old, the generation gap isn't quite as huge as it would be if I gave birth at 40.

I am no longer afraid of being an old maid. I know that I will have companionship. And I know that it will be unconventional. I've lived my life out of order and upside down and I can't expect to suddenly grow up and start doing everything the typical way. The typical way has never made sense for me. Its not going to start making sense just because my looks and fertility are starting to fade.

I have a rich life and many talents. And I am going to use them. If nothing else, I am going to live life on my own terms. My 20s were about figuring out what I wanted to do. My 30s are going to be about doing it.

To actually realize my dreams instead of just dreaming them is at once exhilarating and intimidating. But that is where I'm headed.

I've got 9 minutes left. And then I'm ringing in the next decade of wonderment.

The Singlutionary Situation

I have one good friend in my city who is also single. Or WAS also single. Lately she has been going to and from another city to visit a man she recently met. Of course it is all my fault that they met and I have only myself to blame for the situation.

I have the bad habit of immediately starting to push friends away once they begin to get involved with someone. It isn't so much that I push them away but that I begin to expect less of them. And in a way, its an appropriate reaction. Having someone new in their life means that they have to make room for another person and I can't expect my friend to be as available as she once was.

By the time I was 22, all my best friends were married and very much involved in their relationships. At that time, there wasn't any space for me and my friends to have a relationship outside of their marriage. If I wanted to see my friend, I had to tolerate the husband. Since then, the husbands have become more tolerable or have been replaced with less obnoxious substitutes and my friend's have become less entangled socially and are receptive to "girl time" activities.

But for most of my early 20s, I felt like I needed to have a partner in order to enjoy my friends again. I felt that if I had a partner then we could couple date my friends. My partner would take on the horror of my friend's husbands and I would get to actually have an enjoyable visit with my friends. My friends, I think saw it the same way and provided me with healthy doses of advice on what to do to find a man so that my man could play with their man.

WHATEVER!

What partner of mine is going to want to put up with THAT crap?

"Will you be my boyfriend just so that I can take you to my friend's house and you can watch videos of my friend's husband's community theatre production and then watch him try on his costume and recite Shakespeare's sonnets?"

Eventually I gave up on finding a blow-up-doll-boyfriend-who-loves-amateur-Shakespeare and became Singlutionary.

But as people couple around me, I would like to have someone to depend on. Not that my coupled friends are undependable -- they are all very loving and wonderful and if I were to call them in any state of panic or emergency, they would be very much there for me. But their daily lives are taken up with their family, their work and other obligations. Any extra time they have, they want to spend with their spouse.

I suppose that now I would like someone to depend on socially and for the long haul. And, in the way our society is set up, with coupling being the norm, it seems that in order to find this, I might have to couple. Friendships, even the strongest ones, are secondary to spouses and families especially in the way people spend their day-to-day time.

It seems that just as soon as I find myself in a solid, lasting, stable friendship -- the friendship is altered by the presence of a romantic relationship.

Part of my situation, I think, is that I am very much a one-on-one person. If I have a good friend, it is because I enjoy our interesting conversations and her unique perspective. Even if her new partner is super cool, that doesn't mean that I'd enjoy hanging out with both of them as much as I would enjoy the one-on-one. And typically each friendship has its sacred activities -- with one of my friends it is eating good food, and another it is running. Sometimes the new partner doesn't have the same appreciation for the things my friend and I share and it kinda ruins the fun.

This is not to say that I won't stay friends with my friends who couple. I have stayed friends with ALL my friends who are coupled. I made the adjustment and learned how to be friends with both of them (sometimes more gracefully than others).

But I am tired of always looking for new available friends as others become unavailable. And maybe, the easiest thing to do would be to find a new best male friend and begin that whole monogamous endeavor called "a relationship".

Or I could just cultivate a ton of male friends so that if one of them couples, there will be 10 more waiting in the wings to share an order of yam fries and help decorate my backyard with empty toilets.

Singlutionary's Search for a Proper Peer

I have a utopian view of the world in which everyone is their own person and people love each other freely and there is no need for jealousy. In this world, new relationships broaden the worlds, not only of the people in them, but of their entire communities as well. This is a pretty hippie-like version of peace, love and understanding and all the crap that goes along with that -- like hemp pants, compost and organic farming.

And then I wake up. And I live in the real world where being single at almost-30 is frightening. Why? Because I'm alone. I'm not talking about being alone in a not-having-a-partner way. I'm talking about being alone in another way -- in the way where my communities have faded, my friends are tied up with their family or with their marriage and I don't seem to have any peers.

Where have all my peers gone? In my town, I have ONE uncoupled friend of my age.

And lets face it. There is a difference between being uncoupled in your early 20s and being uncoupled in your early 30s.

And I'm not talking about pressure to couple. I am talking about finding peers. It is more common for folks in their early 20s to be single and to be exploring the world and to have friends in the same place.

Of course, it was never common for me. My two best friends were both married by the time I turned 22 and had been coupled long before that. I've always been the sole single girl in my inner circle. But my outer circle has been full of intelligent, smart women in their early-mid 20s.

So why, after 10 years, is it suddenly so much more horrifying to be the only single in my Singlutionary world?

Peers. They're harder to come by. Supposedly there are tons of single women in their 30s on this earth but I never meet them. And just because I meet another single woman in her early 30s doesn't mean that we have anything in common! She might be divorced or have children or she might be a rabid racist chicken hater or an exercise nazi or plenty of other things which are totally acceptable but which I am not.

Or she might be might just want to talk about how she is so sad without a mate.

I get bored with that. I do it enough myself in secret moments of weakness and then am ashamed to have dishonored my Singlutionary costume in such a way (my Singlutionary costume is made of orange spandex).

I have plenty of ways to meet people. I meet people as part of my job. I've found that dog people are often single. So that is a start. I love dogs. I love singles. Single dog people = double rainbow of joyfulness.

Which brings me back to this blog. I've got peers here. Plenty of them: The folks who read this blog, the folks who comment and the folks who write their own wonderful blogs about being a happy single. And I have my one wonderful late 20s real-life single friend.

And I have my dates. Chronically single men vying for a chance to bone me who don't know that I'm really just looking for a peer.

Where do you find your Singlutionary peers -- no matter what your age or place in life? Life is about change -- and more often than not -- our best friend's lives don't change at the same exact moment and in the same exact way that ours do. So, while it is totally possible to maintain relationships with coupled parent friends, it is also good to seek out people who are in a more similar place in life.

Where do you find them? How do you identify them? And how to you form a real life community as strong as this one here online?

Warming Up

Most of the relationships I've been in have taught me the same thing: I need a lot of time to myself. The last relationship I was in merely confirmed this fact.

There is a tension between the excitement of meeting someone and feeling that mutual attraction and knowing that I need to protect my time so that I can be happy.

It seems that whenever I've been in a relationship, or even just getting to know someone in a romantic kind of way, all the time that I usually spend on things like keeping the house/car clean and maintained, taking care of myself, reading, catching up with my friends, writing and art projects -- all that time gets eaten up by the new beaux.

And it is great at first, but after a couple months I get angry. I start wondering why I can't get anything done and I start to resent the time spent with said person. I try to draw back and start spending more time doing the things I need to do -- laundry -- for example. But the other person always sees this as a personal affront and the relationship starts to crumble.

What is the solution to this?

Always be single? That is the approach I have been taking for the past few years. But what if I am ready to be open to a functional relationship where I CAN have enough space. What if I've decided that this IS a possibility and that, now, after 2 years of going solo (and sexless) I am warming up to this option.

I've written recently about being an introvert. I think that the main thing I need to find in a potential partner -- from the get go -- is someone who can understand and respect my need for personal time and someone with their own interests and friends and passions. Someone who needs time for his own projects and interests and relationships.

And then, I need to allow things to be slow and easy instead of fast and hard -- which is my usual approach.

The Introverted Singlutionary

I am an introvert. This has been brought to my attention in many ways over the past several months.

As an introvert, I need a lot of "me" time. I need quiet. I get easily overstimulated. The only problem is that, I don't LOOK like an introvert. I am animated and gregarious and very talkative. I enjoy people. I am always planning activities and building community. I live in a house with 3 other people. Writing this blog is a great way for my introvert to relax because I can be alone & quiet when I write it, but I can still engage in lively interaction and conversation with others.

Is it easier for an introvert to be a Singlutionary?

Spirited Children (or something like that)

My best friend, the Purple Turtle is an introvert with an extrovert for a husband and a 4 year old extrovert for a son. I used to find her husband exceedingly annoying because he never rests. He never stops talking and he doesn't understand that other people need time and space to think. Purple Turtle read this wonderful book about raising her extroverted son but she really learned more about how to nurture her introverted self. This book talks about how to deal with introverted children (of which I was certainly one) as well as introverted ones. It says that when they get home from school, introverts need time alone and so it is best to let them be by themselves until dinner time and then engage with them, ask them how their day went, etc.

When I come home from work, I do not want to be bombarded with hugs or requests or questions or invitations to go out. I don't want to interact. Or, maybe I do want to interact but only with very specific people in a very specific way.

Sacred Solitude

The reason I haven't been writing much lately, is that I've been in a very conflicted relationship that I was never fully on board for. Many people in my inner circle don't even know about this relationship because I didn't want to announce something that I was never sure was going to last. It didn't. There are many reasons for this. I learned a lot about myself, who I am and who I am not. Perhaps the biggest lesson of all (aside from being a little more cautious before committing to being in a relationship and NEVER telling potential partners about this blog) is that I am intensely introverted. Yes, I go out in the world and interact with strangers. Yes, I am always creating events and hosting get-togethers. Yes, I even have my own meetup group. But I have a secret life outside of all of that that most people never see. This secret life is quiet, introspective and solitary. I need this secret life to be well and thriving in my public life. In order to go out into the world and be the vivacious, active, creative and ambitious person that I am, I also need this deeply personal sacred time. And I need a lot of it. In a relationship, a lot of this time seems to, for me, get negotiated away. It disappears under the expectation that being involved with someone means wanting to spend ALL free time together.

Deceptive Appearances

Our culture worships the extrovert. If you are a quiet, shy or reserved person, you might be perceived as rude or unhappy or maybe even stupid. Social, gregarious people are seen as smarter, sexier and more likely to be successful. I've adapted. Last week, I was told by a friend of a friend that I seem to be an extrovert. This makes it even more offensive to people when I frequently turn down social invitations. There is often an attitude, especially amongst younger folks, that if you're not doing anything particular, you're available to socialize. So, on a Friday night, if I don't have plans, I am expected to accept invitations to go out or do SOMETHING. When in fact, I do have plans -- with myself. And no, this is not lame and pathetic but vitally important to my well being, my ability to function in the world and my ability to be who I am.

It is difficult for me to explain this to people sometimes. I've had to become comfortable with saying "no" and knowing that for some people, it will seem as if I am rejecting them entirely.

Private Life

This private, solitary life that I lead in the corners of the day when I can sneak away from demands and social expectations is usually enjoyed 100% alone. There are a few people who I could be in the same room with and still feel this sense of peace and rejuvenation. The folks are also introverts. I suspect that all introverts have private lives and sometimes we lead them in the same room. Purple Turtle, my best friend from childhood, is someone who I can be around for days on end -- mainly because we have the same need for quiet and introspection. If she grabs a journal and a book and goes to sit in a chair on the other side of the room, I know what is up and I follow suit. I have a cousin that I also can spend a lot of time around -- and my parents -- the biggest introverts of all (almost to the point of being hermits).

It was very difficult, in many of my past relationships to have this private, quiet, reflective time. The extroverts that I was dating did not understand. They felt shut out. They wondered why I didn't want to do things with them all the time. Meanwhile I felt drained and angry. Sacrificing this time is not an option for me.

Now that I am back to being single, I feel this huge sense of relief. I can be myself again. I can shut the door and lock it. I am free to be alone. And then, when I am done recharging, I am free to go back out into the world and be me.

Does my introversion prevent me from being in a relationship? No. It just narrows the pool to people who can understand my need for solitude. Should I only date introverts from now on? Maybe. Or at least people who understand the need for quiet and peace and aloneness and who enjoy it themselves.

Independence Day

I miss so much writing on this blog and reading the other single's blogs:)

This year I am celebrating my independence from desperation.

Tonight I went to do some catering work which I pick up in hard times to pay bills.

Tonight was my last night with this catering company. From now on, I'll do catering only on Saturdays and only for the one catering company that I LOVE. I'm not going to pick up work that I don't love on days that I need for other things just because I feel desperate for money. I'm asking myself what I enjoy, what makes me happy and not accepting any thing outside of those boundaries.

This fall I am turning 30 (I've begun to train for a marathon and I've invited my friends to join me in a "30by30" (lose 30 lbs by age 30) celebration.)

One thing I've learned in my 20s is that while money comes and goes, time is gone forever. Acting from a place of desperation has caused me to spend years of my life in bad relationships, maintaining bad friendships and at god awful jobs.

I can make that time and those experiences work for me in what I am doing now (and I do), but I can't get that time back.

So no more Sunday catering events (I'll be too busy with marathon training anyways) and no more picking up work that I feel not-so-excited about.

Will I have enough money? Ahhhh. That is always the question. Will I be able to make it? Will I be able to pay my bills? Will I be able to get gas in my car? Will I be able to repay my debts?

Will I be able to survive on my own?

The answer is always yes. There is a way to make it through even if you have to quit feeling desperate and start trusting, start reaching out and start letting the world in.

In all parts of my life. I declare my independence today from desperation.

What are you independent from today?

Singlutionary Job Search

All this week I've been agonizing over my job situation. Before this month, I was unemployed for two months without a clue as to what I wanted to do next. I just knew that I didn't want to return to anywhere that I'd been.

I also struggled with accepting that I NEED a job. I mean, I don't NEED a man/partner/relationship/spouse so why would I NEED a job? Can't I just do it myself and have my own business and make a life for myself that way?

Well, I can. But right now I need income.

So. I NEED a job.

(It took me two whole months just to accept that).

Anyways. I am looking now, diligently, for a full time job. This week I had two interviews and at the same time I was working full time, for 2/3 of my usual pay, at a temp job in a call center.

Talk about desperate!

But the thing is that this job, which I took so reluctantly, only out of desperation, has been the best thing ever. I even got a mini-promotion there after just a couple days. I feel appreciated, I feel that it is OK to be smart. I feel rewarded for being smart and quick and a good worker.

I have been pretty beaten up by jobs lately. This job lifts me up. This crappy little temp job with a not-so-nice commute and lousy pay is a TOTAL BLESSING.

So, while I know that this job is not long-term material, I've decided to stay there until after I get back from India. This way I can focus on negotiating a salary when I get a full time job and not take lower pay just so that they'll let me take off time in March to travel.

Also, this way I can go to India for longer since most of the expense is in the plane ticket.

This jobs pays me just just just enough to scrape by and to save a tiny bit of money. But it is so much fun. It is Friday and after working a 40 hour week (which I am not accustomed to) I feel energized, not drained.

I never once had to defend my integrity or my abilities this week. I never had to sit there and take it while someone tore me apart. I didn't get bitched at for not taking enough initiative one minute and then bitched at for taking out the garbage or using too many swiffers the next.

I've been in abusive relationships. Both with men and with employers. And it has been so long since I've been treated WELL that I kinda forgot what it was like. I forgot that I am deserving of praise and respect. I forgot that I AM smart and a good worker and employable and promotable.

At my last job I was refused a promotion for a job that I was already doing. And then I got fired. That was after my boss told me that I had a horrible personality and condescended to me every single day for three and a half months.

Before I became Singlutionary, I was so desperate to be in a relationship that I would take any kind of treatment (for a while at least) because I thought that if there were problems, I just wasn't trying hard enough. I've never been in a relationship where I was praised and respected and valued, where it was OK to be smart and hard working and funny. I've always been viewed by my boyfriends as inherently wrong either because I don't like music enough or I didn't want to have orgies during the full moon or I don't want to bear his children within 8 months or because I need time to work on my car instead of playing with his balls. (You think I am joking about some of these things but ALL of them are true.)

I need to apply the Singlutionary approach to jobs. I am unwilling to work in an environment that does not value me, where I have to pretend to be something that I am not in order to avoid punishment, where I am abused, lied to, taken advantage of and clearly disliked.

This temp jobs is a blessing just in the nick of time. It is saving me from financial ruin, it is reminding me of my better qualities, rebuilding my self esteem and it gives me a platform from which I no longer have to be desperate in my job search.

No, I can not pay off my debts in any reasonable amount of time working at this job. No, I can not buy my country ranch with this job. No, I can not afford to eat out or buy a car or remodel my bathroom with this job.

But I can afford to be choosy.

I can afford to wait for a good job to come along for a good company with the right benefits. I can afford to wait until a job opens up in an office where I would fit in. I can afford to interview my interviewer just as much as they are interviewing me. I can refuse to work at a property that I don't like.

Of course, no job is perfect. I am not looking for perfection. I am sure there will be days when people grate on my nerves and there will be policies which offend me. But I'm not going to get fired again. I'll quit before that happens. I'll quit at the 1st sign of insanity.

But more importantly, I now have the luxury of carefully considering every job offered to me.

I've been extended a 2nd interview for a permanent job which would pay almost twice as much as my temp job, plus benefits. But I know I don't want it. I know that it is not a good fit, that I am too smart and too ambitious for the office, that the company is too small and that the property is not expensive enough and the residents are unsophisticated.

(That last part sounds REALLY judgemental but if you work 40 hours a week in an apartment complex, you want to be in a nice one. TRUST ME. Otherwise there are a lot of evictions and collections. Also, things fall apart faster in lower rent complexes and they don't get fixed and there is more crime, etc. But nicer complexes often have lots of very interesting people, many of whom are single, who travel and explore the world and have interesting careers and hobbies, etc. )

So I am going to work at this temp job until India and then for a little while after that. I am so excited to KNOW what I am doing for the next 2 months. I've been living life day-to-day, instant-to-instant for the past 3 months now. I am excited to commit to this job for a short period of time, knowing that eventually I'll have to move on. I am excited to be working, to know approximately what my schedule is like. I am excited for payday.

But most of all, I am excited to have the ability to sit back and enjoy my job search, to feel less frantic about it and to quit being desperate!!!

Moving into the Master

This past week I moved. I didn't move very far-- just from one room down the hallway from another-- but it was a move none-the-less.

One of the ways I make ends meet is to rent out cute furnished rooms in my house. Last week, a longstanding roommate moved out-- she had rented the master bedroom from me before I began renting out furnished rooms-- and I had been sleeping, for a year, haphazardly, in the room which used to be my office. It was never a permanent situation and I never put it together. I rented out cute furnished rooms but I kept for myself a room which looked very much like a half-assed storage area/art studio/office/dog room. It was cluttered and it was crowded and it was a mess.

This week I finally moved into the master bedroom. Finally. So much space. My own bathroom. A walk-in closet.

The funny thing is that I have no bedroom furniture. Most of the stuff that was being stored in the first room was linens and art which ended up staying in there. I merely scooted my airbed down the hall and I was pretty much done.

In some ways I moved from one impermanent space to another. One day I will move out of this room and this house and start over again. But life feels so different. Moving is always a fresh start, even if just down the hall. And now there is breathing space, space to grow. I have the remaining artwork that I've collected leaning up against the walls in my new room, waiting to be hung. Stuff from the shared bathroom is now sitting my bathroom the counter, waiting to be sorted. Nothing is settled yet, but it is tidy and it is somehow incredibly beautiful in this transitional way.

I never thought I needed the master bedroom before. I didn't need that much space for just me when I could rent it out for income instead. Maybe a part of me was waiting for a partner to share the master bedroom with. Houses like mine are built for a traditional married couple to occupy the master bedroom with space for their growing family in the secondary rooms. A master is big enough for two, so isn't it just a waste of space for only one?

Since buying the house I have become the master of my home. I have stopped waiting, in small subconscious ways, to be partnered before beginning my life. So it makes sense that I would quit living in a secondary room and move on into the master bedroom.

I am taking up more space in other parts of my life too. For so long I have been holding this extra space empty, waiting for someone to come and and fill it. I remember for so long, sleeping only on one side of my queen bed, practicing to share it with a partner. In so many small ways I have not been taking up the space in my own life, leaving an empty area for someone else to fill. One side of the bed it only a few feet but it is a huge emptiness.

My life is big and I am going to grow into it. I have filled this whole house with peace and positive people and and I am going to fill my life outside of this house with the same.

I was always afraid that by filling up my own life to the brim, I was eliminating the possibility of having a partner. Maybe I am. But maybe life is big enough and flexible enough to continue to expand. And maybe living a masterfully awesomely big life is the ONLY way for me to find a suitable partner.

Either way, I'm just glad that there's no more wasted space! And excited to put together this last little corner of my home.

Teapot (and Revolution Tea Sampler Giveaway from Single Edition**)

It has been over a week now since my first date with Teapot. I like Teapot and Teapot likes me. At least I think that is still the case. I usually never get past a constricted first date with guys. I know right away that there is a problem with them or with any potential "us". Most first dates make me want to cry and barf at the same time which is why I rarely go on them. The last time I got as far as a second date was with the Porsche driving Pedestrian Bridge Makeout Boy. Either he didn't like the way I kissed or he just wanted to get laid because I never heard from him again. That was 9 months ago.

Lately I've been having a hard time posting because I feel some conflict as a Singlutionary. For the first time in a long time, I actually have space in my life for a relationship. And I want one. Christina at Onely wrote not too long ago encouraging folks to ask themselves WHY they want a relationship instead of wanting to be single. I think this is a valid question. Most times when I have asked myself this question in the past, I have gotten an answer that wasn't quite right and was something I actually wanted in myself instead of needing a partner to fill it: Financial stability, someone to hold the ladder while I go on the roof, someone to get groceries on the way home from work, a house/home, someone to travel with. As I became more and more Singlutionary, I realized that many of these reasons for desiring to couple were merely deficits that I saw in myself and I figured out how to overcome them. I was able to buy a house on my single income (when I had an income-- I am now unemployed), I can always ask a roommate to hold the ladder, I've accepted that there is no such thing as financial stability in this day and age and I have created a wonderful home which I share with my roommates and my friends and adopted family. I have also accepted the challenges and joys of solo travel.

I know now what I do NOT want. I do not want someone to complete me. My life is already complete. In fact sometimes it is overwhelmingly full. I do not want someone to follow nor do I want a follower. 

I have learned to be a wonderful companion to myself. I also have fantastic roommates who I share stories of my day with and who I can tell about getting fired and other disappointments. I even have a friend who I can regale with tales of taking out toilets. 

I have a best friend in the same state and a sister in the same town. I have best friends from childhood in the same city. 

But all my friends are busy. And partnered.

I used to want to partner because I missed my friends and I felt that the only way to spend time with them was to partner myself so that we could do couple things together (this is when we were in our early 20s and they were newly married and wouldn't do anything without their "other half"). But my desire to have a companion now has less to do with wanting to see my friends more often (I would see them one-on-one now if I so desired) and more to do with having the space for a new friendship.

I have space in my life for a new relationship and I crave the growth and expansion that comes from engaging with a new person and making a new friend. Anais Nin wrote:

Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

I have always felt this way about friendship-- that it is something powerful and sacred and truly important. I am ready for a new friend.

Why does this friend have to also be a romantic partner?

Because in our culture it is hard to not let friendships fall by the wayside. I already have a best friend and a sister. I have lots of women in my life. I would like a best male friend. And my experience with best male friends is that can be ripped from your life by a jealous wife/girlfriend. 

I am looking for a best male friend/partner. Because that kind of relationship is easier to keep forever. Most of my friends are forever friends. I don't really have too many of the other kind. 

I haven't heard from Teapot for a few days. I am assuming that he is busy with work and I don't mind because I am busy too. I don't have space for someone who wants to see me every day. Teapot might disappear too and then all this thinking is for nothing. But even if he does stick and I find myself coupled, I will still write and I will still be Singlutionary.

There is a Singlutionary way to be single and there is a Singlutionary way to be coupled. Either way. I am still living the Singlution. 

**Today is the first day of my weekly giveaway series. At the end of each Sunday post (yes, I know it is Monday already and I am duly embarrassed), I will state the giveaway item and the criteria to enter. The winner will be drawn from a hat of commenters. For this first giveaway, all you have to do in order to get your name in the hat is to comment stating that you'd like to be entered. I will post the winner at the end of next Sunday's blog along with the next giveaway item/criteria for entering.

Today's giveaway item is a Variety Tea Sampler of 5 teas from Revolution Tea. 

Today's giveaway is sponsored by SingleEdition.com

The End of Abstinent Admirer

I used to have a beaux named Abstinent Admirer. He would come into the office where I worked and shower me with admiration. But not in a creepy way. And I loved it. He was smart and funny and knew about cars and I sang his praises all over this blog.

I thought he was an OK guy and when he announced to me on a walk that he was abstinent (for the past 18 years no less) I took it as a sign that I could trust him. After all, all of my relationships have been short lived and most of them were only about sex. This was a new kind of experience.

I decided to give Abstinent Admirer a chance. 

But Abstinent Admirer wasn't only sexually abstinent. He was also emotionally abstinent. He couldn't seem to get past meeting me in the office. He took me to a football game once but seemed scared to sit next to me. At the end of the night he ran off to his sister's house and I felt completely rejected. I thought maybe we would hang out and talk for a while maybe hold hands or at least sit next to each other.

Before I was fired last week, Abstinent Admirer had faded from potential boyfriend to friend to acquaintance to nothing. I am sure he went by on Monday to pay his rent and I am sure he was told that I no longer work there. And I am sure that some part of him was relieved. 

But in the absence of Abstinent Admirer, I am still, well, abstinent.

But why and for how long? Am I waiting for marriage like Abstinent Admirer was? That is a hard thing to do when one isn't really too keen on getting married. What am I waiting for then?

There are a couple guys--like Skinny Waiter who (I think) I made out with on the night I lost my purse/shoes/dignity and Anal Sex Australian and Angsty Indie Film/Large Cucumber Guy who would happily take a dip in my enchanted pool but the thought of having sex with any of them totally disgusts me. It is a path that I have been down before many times: Having sex with men who just want sex from me as if is some kind of final prize on which they pretend to hang their happiness.

I want to have sex in a relationship where there is love and trust. I know that sounds kinda old fashioned for a Singlutionary but why the heck not? At the same time sex within a loving respectful relationship seems as far away as peace on earth or a steady paycheck.

I had a date with Teapot on Sunday. I don't want to write too much about it at this juncture (since this is not a dating blog) but it did make me wonder: When is it appropriate for ME to have sex again? What do I want to do/feel/see/understand/believe before I have sex. How do I want that all to play out?

So far my abstinence has been about not getting hurt (although I was hurt anyways by Abstinent Admirer) and not repeating the same experience I've repeated too many times before. But what happens after that? How do I get to the point where I'm having a new kind of experience and what do I want this new experience to be like?

I haven't quite figured all of that out yet. But it is interesting to think about. I've never thought about this before. I've said things like: "I don't want to have sex until the 3rd date or until we've been together 3 months" but I've never thought about how I wanted to FEEL before having sex. 

So I guess at this juncture in my life I am opening up to being in a relationship. But that is another post altogether. 

Reproduction

I have a new admirer at work. He is some kind of nerd engineer just like most of my admirers through out my life. I don't know what it is about me that attracts nerd engineers. Anyways. My new admirer is funny, appropriate and has a face that kinda looks like a teapot. He is also just one year older than me but actually seems like a grown up.

Although I appreciate my new admirer, I also suspect that he is the kind of person who wants to have kids. Most people want to have kids especially nice stable 30 year old engineering teapots. And most people look at me and think that I am a nice stable almost 30 year old future baby maker.

Despite common perception, it is not a high priority for me in life to have kids. On the other hand, I can not say that I am 100% sure that I will not have kids either. If I were stronger in my no-kid convictions I would have had my tubes fried when I was 21. But my convictions only go this far: I do not want to have kids anytime soon and I most likely do not want to give birth. I would rather adopt. 

Of course there are a couple problems with my convictions:

1. If I don't want to have kids anytime soon (not anytime in the next 5-10 years) but I am rapidly approaching 30, my uterus might be retired by the time I get the desire to reproduce.

2. Even if I do not reproduce via my uterus and instead opt to adopt someone else's reproduction, I will still be an older parent. My parents were older parents and I have always wished that, if I were to be a parent, I be a bit younger than my parents were.

3. It is considered normal to want to have kids. Having kids is typically seen as the main reason for being married or being on planet earth. Most people have a strong inherent desire to reproduce. I am comfortable with my own lack of desire. I don't think there is anything wrong with me. But it does limit the pool of potential partners.

Why does Teapot's mere admiration bring all this up for me? I don't really know. I still haven't figured out what kind of relationship I want with a man, if any, much less if Teapot is really a qualified suitor. But I do feel attracted to him just as I still feel attracted to Abstinent Admirer. At this point in my life, I am attracted to people for qualities beyond sex. Teapot and Abstinent Admirer are fine male specimens but they are also interesting, caring and (dare I say) Singlutionary individuals. 

Maybe I am thinking about reproduction more today because I have been suffering from menstral cramps for about 12 hours now. They kept me up last night and since I have recently developed an allergy to Advil, I am babying my baby maker with a heating pad and hippie remedy tea (the tea actually seems to be working). 

I always get confused as to whether it is my uterus or my ovaries which are cramping. So I googled. And according to the Mayo Clinic, cramps are supposed to "lessen with age and often disappear once a woman has given birth". If that were true I would have gone ahead and had a baby at 25 and lived cramp free for the rest of my life! Are my cramps simply a monthly reminder that I have not yet reproduced? I think the Mayo Clinic is nuts because I know plenty of women who have given birth and still double up with cramps every month. Maybe they just didn't have ENOUGH babies? 

I don't know the answer to any of those nasty questions. Nor do I know what I think I might want from Teapot or from any potential mate. But I do now know, thanks to Abstinent Admirer, that I do want more than sex and less than children. I guess just a nice, comfortable, mutually supportive, long-term intimate relationship with someone worthy of welcome into my already vibrant life would be ideal. 

In closing, I would like to point out that the female reproductive system looks a lot like a longhorn:

For some strange reason this made me feel more Texan just for having lady parts. But then google also revealed to me that I am not the first person to have this revelation:

Sigh. 

Sexless Singlutionary Experiment

My abstinent admirer has got me thinking. 

My only issue with being single is that I have to deal with getting laid. If I only really want to get laid within a relationship but don't really want a relationship, my life is a daily catch 22. And I'm bored with having sex outside of a relationship.

No wonder I'm so frustrated! All I wanted from a relationship was sex but I kept complaining that all anyone ever wanted from me was sex. While I was learning how to NOT be desperate for a relationship, I was still ultra desperate for some good old fashioned humping.

So, I've decided to quit being desperate about sex. Its OK that I am getting older, that my body isn't perfect and isn't going to get more perfect. Its OK that sometimes I get mad that other people have a lover and I have myself. Its OK that my new exercise routine is upped my libido by about 100%. I am just going to accept sexlessness in the same way that I accept and enjoy singleness. I'm going to quit worrying about how long it was since I last got laid and with whom and how many notches I do or do not have on my belt. I'm going to quit thinking that everyone who is out there doing-the-nasty is happier and healthier and having more fun than me. I'm going to quit dreaming of my next orgasm like a girl daydreaming about her wedding day. 

This is an experiment that I am engaging in. Its a shift in my sense of identity. Its requiring me to be humble and to be perpetually horny. But if Abstinent Admirer can go 18 years, I can go 18 months, right? 

I quit being a desperate dater, a pitiful piner and I quit wah-wah-waiting for someone to come fix my whole life. So why am I still sitting around desperately waiting and pining for someone to come fix my vagina. Why am I even looking it like that? Gross! As if I NEED someone else with their spectacular body part to make my body parts whole?

Lately, the way I function in regards to sex and relationships has begun to come clear to me and I am beginning to understand that if all men have ever wanted from me is sex it is only because all I ever wanted from men was sex.

Sex was the one thing that I've been holding out on, that I've not been able to let go of. My life feels incomplete without sex which is why I was appalled that a totally sane, healthy and attractive man choose to go 18 years without it and not even be mad about it. What a waste, right?

And then I realized that people say the same thing about being single: Its such a waste of time to be alone all those years when you could be in a relationship/in love/married with children.

I don't need a relationship or kids to enjoy life. And now, I am going to try and enjoy my life without sex. 

I just really hope my experiment doesn't last 18 years. I just really hope not. 

Sex(less) Singlution

The comments to my last post about the crush-I-wish-I-didn't have were fascinating. Some people said "Go do him!" and others said "Don't feel bad about physical attraction" and others said "yes, non-committed sex is hard for me also" and everyone pretty much said: "Do what is right for you, there is no shame in that!"

Last week, I already knew that my crush/admirer is not a man who has one night stands. I knew that if I were to sleep with him, it would be a big deal to him and it would be the beginning of a relationship. 

And while I didn't know if I wanted a relationship, I did know that I found him attractive and fascinating. 

And then today, he cleared everything up on another walk around the lake: He simply took sex off the table. 

This attractive, intelligent, perceptive person hasn't had sex in 18 years. 

I almost fell down. I almost fell down and died right there on the lake trail. My body would have been run over by a couple bikers and then stampeded by a booty bootcamp group from the YMCA and then scattered by a stroller brigade. 

There is nothing wrong with NOT having sex. I used to live in Utah and I see the value in chastity. There is nothing wrong WITH having sex either. I was raised near the epicenter of free love and I understand the value of sharing. I, personally, am not convinced that monogamy is right nor am I enamoured with polyamory either. I am sure that each person has to work this out within themselves and follow their own convictions and desires.

But to not have sex for the same amount of time in which a baby grows into an adult? I was stunned. I was overwhelmed. I mean, I'm just on sex hiatus. I'm just taking a short break until I figure it all out, until I meet someone worth humping.

So is he.

To be perfectly honest (and I kinda hate saying this because I hate to perpetuate certain stereotypes), most of the sexual relationships I've had have been hurtful. I always thought that my partner valued me for more than just a good roll in the hay. He didn't. I thought we were friends and that we were there for each other outside of the bedroom. We weren't and he wasn't. Before I was Singlutionary, I always thought that we were on some kind of road-to-forever which would save me from my sadder self.

I've never had a sex partner who really valued me for who I am, for all my qualities or even took the time to get to know me. They saw me as a thing, a toy, an accessory.

My admirer says getting to know a person is simple and clear when sex is removed from the picture. 

In a way, I think he is right. For me, his admiration has been healing because I always sensed that he was interested in ALL of me. He admires and values me not because he thinks I'm hot (although he does) but because of who I am and what I do with my life and where I am going and what I enjoy and value. He enjoys our small-but-growing friendship. And so do I.

And this all gives me space to continue to be Singlutionary, sex free. For now, at least.

And in the meantime, I can enjoy this friendship, enjoy being myself and enjoy being admired for myself, plain and simple. I like that. I'm not sure I'll like it in another 18 years, or even 18 months, but for now, its perfect.

Singlutionary sex is going to be different for everyone. It depends, in part, on where you've been, where you're going and who you are. I am not advocating for 18 years of abstinence but if 18 years of abstinence makes you a better Singlutionary, I'm all for it.

My House and Me: One Less Ounce of Desperation Part 1

I've written about desperate dating but there are two sides to that icky-poo coin. There are the effects of desperate dating and then there are the causes.

Until recently, I never was really able to pinpoint the cause of my own desperation when it came to relationships with men. 

I grew up pretty feminist. My mom never entered me into a beauty pageant and set an example by doing home repair projects on her own. She didn't even take my dad's last name. But at the same time, my parents had pretty traditional gender roles. My dad worked. My mom stayed home and then went to work part-time when I was in school. So while I was taught that men could (and should) cook and do laundry and that women could (and should) work for a living, that was not exactly the environment that I was raised in.

I want to make it clear that I am in no way criticizing this arrangement. That was what worked for them and it wasn't based on gender as much as the fact that my dad had a good stable job and my mom was really good at fixing up houses. My dad loves routine and can deal with the day-to-day monotony of going to the same office for 20 years. My mom loves change and excitement and is a risk taker. If their personalities had been switched, I wouldn't be surprised if their roles would have been switched as well.

So, I never thought that I "needed" a man in the way some of my friends do. I've always been very independent and wanted to learn to do things on my own. I don't need a man to fix my car or take me to dinner or to make my life complete. I don't need a man to show me the way or to protect me or make me feel special. I get validation from multiple sources, from both men and women. I fix my own car, take myself to dinner and I complete me!

But under all my bravado, my whole life, I have thought that I needed to be in a relationship in order to do three things (that I am yet aware of): settle down, have financial security and enjoy life. 

The first of these subconscious assumptions began to crumble two years ago when I bought my house. I was overwhelmed. It needed too much work and I had no time and no money and I didn't have any other friends who were homeowners or a community of do-it-yourselfers to pitch in or give advice. At the same time, I was freaking out because my life pre-homeownership was incredibly mobile. I moved every year. I never had a permanent place. And while I was ready to "settle down" I felt freaked out that it was happening to me. Something just felt off, like I had forgotten to do something important. What was I giving up by settling down? I had that bad feeling you get when you pack for a trip to the tropics and you forgot to pack your bathing suit. Something was amiss. 

In buying the house, I was making a commitment. And it was a commitment that I very much wanted to make. But in the back of my mind somewhere, underneath all my independence and education and self awareness, was this idea that having a house and settling down is something one does WITH a partner. I was overwhelmed by the house because I thought I had to do everything myself. My parents had done everything themselves and only hired people to do work that required permits or expertise beyond their own. But there were two of them. And there is one of me. 

It took me a while to feel OK with paying someone to mow my yard. I mean, shouldn't I be doing that myself? It took me a while to forgive myself for taking three months to paint the living room (which has vaulted ceilings and exposed beams and required borrowing a 9 foot ladder). Why couldn't I get it done in a weekend?

And once I realized that I, on my own, could not replicate the perfection of my parent's do-it-yourself lifestyle, I could find my own balance and my own groove. It wasn't that I was missing something or defective in some way. It wasn't that I should have done things in the proper order and waited to buy as house as a newlywed. What is to guarantee that this imaginary husband is a do-it-yourselfer anyways? A huge part of my parents relationship is based on their houses. I'm not sure that I want my relationship to be based on the house. Or on dogs. Or on travel. 

But for a while, after buying the house, I felt really desperate for a man. I felt like I just couldn't cope with all the responsibilities of the house on my own and secretly I wanted some sexy carpenter/electrician/plumber/contractor/landscaper/HVAC guy to walk into my life, literally sweep me off my feet and carry me over my own threshold. But then I realized all that I would sacrifice if the house belonged to someone else and I depended up on him to do everything the house required. It would no longer be my adventure and I would not have the chance to learn more or to tackle the challenges I had so longed for. And more importantly, I realized this was the ONLY reason I wanted a man in my life so badly. I would just be using this hottie handyman for his, uh, hands *ahem*. And while that makes for a great daydream, it doesn't make for a great relationship.

This was the first of my revelations regarding my subconscious assumptions about what I can and can not do as a single. I had no idea that I had been wah-wah-waiting for someone to settle down, but some part of me was. 

I will write about my more recent experiences with finances and fun next!

On a Whim or The Singlution is Catching

The Bachelor (if you hate this show as much as I do, you can skip this part)

1. I don't usually watch TV but today I went over to my bosslady's house and she was watching The Bachelor: After the Rose. I was incensed. Basically, Jason (the Bachelor) breaks off his engagement to Melissa and then turns around and tells the other girl, Molly, who he dumped 6 weeks ago that he is in love with her. The crazy crazy thing is that this same exact scenario just happened to me this past year in REAL LIFE. And the guy's name was Jason. And the other girl's name was Melissa. My name is not Molly but close enough. Anyways, I didn't take him back (my reaction was more like Melissa's).

2. Singles (especially singles over 25) seem to be perceived as people who can't settle down, commit or make up their minds. For some reason, people who are satisfied, Singlutionary-style singles get this bad wrap even worse. If you're desperately seeking company you're at least TRYING to be "normal" (coupled) but if you're solidly single then there is something wrong with you. 

3. Jason and Molly are desperate daters. I think anyone who tries to find love on a reality TV show is a desperate dater. Sorry. But Kudos to Melissa for telling Jason to get out of her life. I hope she sticks to it and spends time figuring out how fantastic she is so that she never ever ever dates a flakey ass man like that again. If she were really a desperate dater she would sit around pining away for him, wasting her time and her life, hoping that he will come back to her. Melissa, welcome to the Singlution!!

I've Decided to Take a Break from My Acting "Career"

1. Sometimes I wonder if I am a flake myself. Last year at about this time I decided to quit real estate to pursue acting full time but I am so sick of acting and the acting world and all the crap that comes along with being an actor that I am ready for a nice long break. I want to change my hair whenever I want without worrying about shooting schedules or keeping my headshots up-to-date. I want to go around without any makeup on and not care. I want to not have to think about my "image" in general. And, most importantly, I want a nice normal schedule that doesn't get jacked up all the time by annoying auditions.

2. I think that some people might think I live my life on a whim but this decision (like the real estate one) was long in coming. It seems that I do the right thing but always at the very worst time. I went into real estate right as the market crashed and I went into acting just as all the movies abandoned my state for greener pastures. 

3. I wonder if its easier to make these decisions because I am single. I used to wish that I were coupled because I thought that I would a) have support in making tough decisions, b) someone to discuss these difficult things with, c) financial support when my money-life changed and d) something/one to focus my energies on when everything else falls apart. But many of these things are really fallacies. Making a decision in a relationship could be so much harder because of how it impacts the relationship or because of how one person or the other PERCEIVES that it will impact the relationship. And because of the wonderful network of social support all around me, I have support in my decisions, people to discuss the rough patches with and people to write letters to when everything is going to hell in the handbasket. 

4. What will I fill my life with in the absence of acting? Well, its already full which is part of the reason that I need a break! I have my bosslady, I have this blog, I have my house and my dog. (Gross, that just rhymed!) I have a ton of projects on the back burner and there are some things I have been longing to do for a while now: learning to shoot, learning other languages, swimming, getting into shape, camping again, visiting my west coast homeland and various other travels, writing a book and a movie and a short movie and another book, recreational singing, finally planting a garden and keeping it alive, etc. 

I'm not a Desperate Actor

(This is the moral of the story.)

This whole Singlutionary concept is starting to seep into other parts of my life. As an actor I've pretty much been willing to do any project at any time. And in a way, this is expected of actors. I am saying "hell no" to that. Sorry. Just because I am not famous doesn't mean that I HAVE to accept an audition for something that I find disgusting (and I find most things disgusting). It also doesn't mean that I have to re-arrange my schedule and risk my sleep/health to go to an audition or be on set. And I most certainly refuse to look like a fancypants skinny bitch all the time. I just want to be myself and live life on my own terms. So I am taking a break to figure out how I can be an Actorlutionary. I know its possible but its going to take a few small adjustments in my outlook. 

Is there any other part of your life where Singlutionary principles of non-desperation apply? How does the Singlution seep out into other parts of your life?

Singlution Stuckers

I know that I am a self-professed know-it-all when it comes to being single! But there are a few things which I can't seem to work out. There are some places where, for me, the Singlution still gets stuck!

1. Sex. I can't do it alone. Well, I most definitely CAN do it alone (and I do) but having an orgasm isn't the same as sharing an intimate sexual connection with another person. Orgasms are a dime a dozen but intimate sexual connections seem more and more scarce especially as I get older and more selective about my mates.

2. Dates. I love being single and I am satisfied with my life. So why then am I dating? Dating is alternately annoying/brutal/exhausting and exciting/fun. Basically, I want to meet new people and establish new relationships but I don't want them to take over my life. So should I be dating at all? Or should I just be joining civic leagues and hanging out on meetup.com for plutonic relationships? Am I really just looking for sex but calling it dating?

I'm not sure. All I know is that yesterday's date gave me a big ole flare up of the hornies. And there is a big part of me that wishes the the following scenario were totally socially acceptable in our mainstream culture and uncomplicated both romantically and morally:

I call up the dude from yesterday and I say:

Hey. I would love love love to get to know you better but I also know that I am most likely not what you're looking for. You're looking for a future wife who is most likely less rebellious than me and more family oriented than me and who wants to breed and will get all excited about being preggers and squeezing your baby out of her vagina. That isn't me. But I like you. I think you are a wonderful person with an open mind and a giving spirit and you also have a voice and a vibe that totally turns me on. So I'd like to propose that we respectfully and joyfully share each other's company and bodies for a while until you find that non-rebellious breeder to marry at which point we can bittersweetly go separate ways.

I really wish it were that simple. But since I seem to now be attracted to slightly conservative guys over 30 who work a lot, I just don't see my proposal working out. 

So for now, I'm sticking with my sexless stuck-ness and I'll ride out my dating wave until my membership expires.

Singlutionary Self (and my thoughts on dating)

I think I'm done with online dating. Online dating requires two qualities which I currently do not possess: 1) patience and 2) desperation.

I am not willing to sit around waiting for the right guy to become a member and to find me and to invite me on a wonderful date and to fall in love with me. I have way more important things to do. I have way more important things to think about. And I am sick of wasting my time sorting through pages and pages of "laid back" guys only to find an ambitious guy only to find out that he is either a) a bible thumper or b) a big breeder who wants a wife who will be adopted into his huge family and raise and birth his 30 children. I would rather sit on the toilet waiting for a big turd to come out than sit on the computer waiting for a man who ISN'T a big turd to ask me out. 

Online dating (or dating at all for that mater) is great for women who want a laid back bible thumper family oriented guy. Unfortunately, that is not me. I require my own special dating website for all the non-stoner, non-bible-thumping (yet spiritual/religious), non breeding, ambitious types.

So I lack patience. That much is obvious.

I also lack desperation (for the first time in my life) so the way I went about this process was very selective. I winked at guys but I didn't initiate emails. I quit emailing men if it looked like they would never ask me out or if they asked me out in a way that was flakey and not on a real date. I quit emailing guys if they failed to ask a question in the email. And I never responded to an email that struck me as icky in any way. Sometimes it was a matter of spelling and grammar. Sometimes it was a matter of subject or tone. 

In other words. I am picky. 

There is still this little voice coming from a closet in the back of my head which says "if you don't quit being so picky, you'll never be in a relationship" or "you need to be more open to the possibilities". These voices are tired because they have been shouting at me for 15 years. 

I have no desire to lower my standards to find my match. In fact, I would prefer that I continue to learn and grow as a person and that I hold myself to an increasingly higher standard. I believe that THIS (developing an excellent relationship with myself) will attract the right people (romantic and otherwise) into my life much faster than going out with a lousy speller/wishy-washy-dater.

I went online to research the kind of person I want to be in a relationship with. I didn't find him. But I did realize many things about myself and the kind of person I want in a relationship. I also realized that the man of my dreams is so unique that only some kind of crazy god would be able to find a way to bring us together. 

So I am giving up on online dating but I am also investing my time into building a better me. And I do so with the faith that everything I do in my life is leading me closer to my true self which is also, at the same time, bringing me closer to my true match and my truest friends. 

Makeout Lessons

I've threatened to give out makeout prizes before but I guess the other night I actually went and did it. 

The whole situation caught me off guard. And then it took me a couple days to get my singlution back. This post is about what I learned from the feelings/confusion/frustration that followed this unexpected makeout session. 

1. I am a different person since becoming the Singlutionary and while I may be an expert at being single I am not an expert at romance or hooking up (in any way shape or form). These things are shaky ground for me and I need to not be overly confident or feel infallible in these areas (yet).

2. Making out can feel just as confusing afterwards as actually having sex. I never thought this was possible. After swearing off sex (This calls for another post entirely which I have been incredibly reluctant to write about. It is interesting how controversial choosing to NOT have sex is.), making out feels much more intimate. I wasn't prepared for this. 

3. I am not invincible. One reason I was so freaked out after the makeout was because I felt myself snowballing towards an inevitable week of pitiful pining, wah-wah-waiting and desperate attempts at dating. I felt my Singlutionary confidence slipping away. Sometimes life shakes us up. I felt incredibly vulnerable and defenseless because I was so unprepared to be attracted to someone again.

4. I do not want a relationship of any kind right now. For me, this also means not making out or hooking up with people. Some people have asked me about how to deal with the lack of sex and affection as a single person. Until lately this hasn't been an issue for me although it is something very worth of addressing. However, for me personally, random makeouts (or hookups) isn't the answer. 

5. I forgot that I am a young attractive charismatic woman. I've been so busy writing and working and trying to figure out myself and grow into a positive, fulfilling relationship with ME that I forgot all about how other people perceive me. And I was kinda thrown off kilter by someone else being interested in me again. Which leads me to:

6. It is time for me to start engaging with the world again so that I can practice interacting with people in a way that is respectful and healthy for both me and for the individuals that I come in contact with. Most of my interactions with people these days are with a few childhood friends, my bosslady, my roommates and with people I work on projects with. I have few face-to-face peer relationships which are purely social. I am quite comfortable in a work/project/task-oriented environment but feel off kilter in social environments. So now that I am no longer a work-a-holic, its time for me to re-learn and dust off my social skills.