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Friday, January 8, 2010

Moving into the Master

This past week I moved. I didn't move very far-- just from one room down the hallway from another-- but it was a move none-the-less.

One of the ways I make ends meet is to rent out cute furnished rooms in my house. Last week, a longstanding roommate moved out-- she had rented the master bedroom from me before I began renting out furnished rooms-- and I had been sleeping, for a year, haphazardly, in the room which used to be my office. It was never a permanent situation and I never put it together. I rented out cute furnished rooms but I kept for myself a room which looked very much like a half-assed storage area/art studio/office/dog room. It was cluttered and it was crowded and it was a mess.

This week I finally moved into the master bedroom. Finally. So much space. My own bathroom. A walk-in closet.

The funny thing is that I have no bedroom furniture. Most of the stuff that was being stored in the first room was linens and art which ended up staying in there. I merely scooted my airbed down the hall and I was pretty much done.

In some ways I moved from one impermanent space to another. One day I will move out of this room and this house and start over again. But life feels so different. Moving is always a fresh start, even if just down the hall. And now there is breathing space, space to grow. I have the remaining artwork that I've collected leaning up against the walls in my new room, waiting to be hung. Stuff from the shared bathroom is now sitting my bathroom the counter, waiting to be sorted. Nothing is settled yet, but it is tidy and it is somehow incredibly beautiful in this transitional way.

I never thought I needed the master bedroom before. I didn't need that much space for just me when I could rent it out for income instead. Maybe a part of me was waiting for a partner to share the master bedroom with. Houses like mine are built for a traditional married couple to occupy the master bedroom with space for their growing family in the secondary rooms. A master is big enough for two, so isn't it just a waste of space for only one?

Since buying the house I have become the master of my home. I have stopped waiting, in small subconscious ways, to be partnered before beginning my life. So it makes sense that I would quit living in a secondary room and move on into the master bedroom.

I am taking up more space in other parts of my life too. For so long I have been holding this extra space empty, waiting for someone to come and and fill it. I remember for so long, sleeping only on one side of my queen bed, practicing to share it with a partner. In so many small ways I have not been taking up the space in my own life, leaving an empty area for someone else to fill. One side of the bed it only a few feet but it is a huge emptiness.

My life is big and I am going to grow into it. I have filled this whole house with peace and positive people and and I am going to fill my life outside of this house with the same.

I was always afraid that by filling up my own life to the brim, I was eliminating the possibility of having a partner. Maybe I am. But maybe life is big enough and flexible enough to continue to expand. And maybe living a masterfully awesomely big life is the ONLY way for me to find a suitable partner.

Either way, I'm just glad that there's no more wasted space! And excited to put together this last little corner of my home.


Steve said...

Wow, what a profound post and so well written!
I love having a King sized bed to myself, enjoy it whilst you can! :)

You are Master of your home, it is admirable that you took the choice to rent the Master out for financial reasons initially but I'm glad you've taken residence in there now to enjoy the extra space and comforts.

Good on you!

Stevi said...

You are such a wonderful writer. And yes, very profound!

Samantha said...

Good for you. That post was inspiring!

Jenn said...

I don't think that "filling up your life" means there is no room for a partner - it just means that you will be less willing to make room for the wrong partner, and that's a great thing. I sometimes worry about what will happen when my S.O. and I reach the stage of merging our living situations because I love my house and I FILL my house, but part of the reason I know that this relationship is right for me is because I'm willing to entertain the idea of letting go of a little of what I've got to make room for him (and the same goes for him). So revel in that space because even if the 'right' relationship never comes along, you'll know that you're making the absolute most of your relationship with YOURSELF!

Megs said...

Congrats on moving up in your house. You are a wonderful person and deserve the move. I hope this is a good start to the New Year for you.

Talia, Justin, and Turner said...

So happy for you! Loved this post.