V is for Victorious

Thank you to Onely for their wonderful Valentines Day profile of happy single bloggers (of which Singlutionary is included).

This Valentines Day, I feel victorious. Not because I have a boyfriend to shower me in calories and crap but because I am not angstified over not having one.

I've actually never had a boyfriend or partner or date on Valentines day. I've always celebrated alone, not understanding what all the fuss is about. When I was a teenager I worked in a chocolate shop and had to wait on all the angsty men who came in knowing that whatever they got their woman would somehow not be enough or somehow be wrong. As a result, they would not only NOT get laid, but they would end up sleeping on the couch.

And then there is my friend who's then boyfriend got her a dead plant for V-day. She married him anyways, found out he was a freeloader over the course of the next 7 years and is now engaged to someone else.

If I were in a relationship, I would want to pretend that Valentines Day doesn't exist.

As a matter of fact, I am avoiding one of the men I've been dating this weekend. This particular gentleman -- I'll call him Suburban Sailboater -- seems like he might be a bit into romance. We've only been out twice and I like him but I need to tell him that I like him as a FRIEND. I realized during the second date that I am simply not interested in him romantically -- mainly because I can't see being in a relationship with him due to a lack of conversational chemistry but also due to his making some weird kissing NOISES when he was kissing my neck (like a hissy kissy sound). I don't know why but the hissy kissy sound made my vagina immediately close up shop for the night and drove him straight into friend territory.

I know, I know. I shouldn't be so picky about the hissy kissy from the Suburban Sailboater.

Whatever. If a guy isn't hot on the 2nd date, things are NOT going to get better. And by hot I don't mean tall, dark and handsome (although Suburban Sailboater is definitely tall, dark and geeky) but merely a good sexual match -- someone with whom I share a massive sexual chemistry worthy of sixteen condoms.

But I digress. This Valentines Day I am victorious because I am not TRYING to make something work just because I want something special to happen on V-day. I am not going on a forced date or pining away for Mr. Awesome. I am grateful for Suburban Sailboater and hope that we can develop a friendship sometime NEXT weekend when we are safely out of the V-day zone.

I am comfortable with myself, proud of where I am and satisfied with the work meeting/job interview/audition/homework that I will be doing tomorrow on St. Valentines Day.

Romance is always the best when it is organic and unexpected. The pressures of Valentines Day would best be served somewhere else. With less pomp, less force, less candy, fewer creepy pink bears and less expectation. And, dare I say it: With MORE love.

There are many folks who take the opportunity to celebrate Valentines day by celebrating all the non-romantic love in their lives. While I would prefer and just hide out from the holiday, I think that is a wonderful idea.

So if you want to buy someone a creepy pink bear, buy one for the people who love and support you no matter what -- even when you're in the doghouse, on the sofa and hornier than a rhino because you've been celibate for 3 to 30 years.

Labor Day Pains and Pleasures

So I had a crisis over the weekend. I am afraid to admit that I may have strayed from my Singlution.

On Saturday I went on my first official date with Abstinent Admirer. It was super fun, his sister and brother-in-law were hecka nice and I felt comfortable even though I knew nothing about football. Let me amend that last statement: I felt comfortable when we were all four together. I think that Abstinent Admirer (who now shall be upgraded to the name of "Sexless Suitor") prefers to spend time with me well chaperoned. I felt a little rejected that he didn't touch me at all. In fact, he made great effort NOT to touch me. His sister, through the course of normal social interaction touched me more than he did. I'm not taking about anything sexual here. Sexless Suitor has already laid down his no-sex card. I'm just talking about a hand on a shoulder, a gesture, a tap, a bump --- the normal things that happen when you're sitting next to a person or (gasp) lightly flirting. I think Sexless Suitor is terrified of touching me. And it kinda hurt my feelings. 

Between that and realizing the next morning that one of my roommates had unexpectedly skipped town, I feel a little rejected all weekend. My confidence was in the crapper.

So I had a mighty unproductive weekend. I called all my friends and told them the story of the evening, about how Sexless Suitor sat on the very far end of the sofa and I on the other. I told them about how I had to initiate a HUG at the end of the evening. I said I didn't know what to do! Does the man like me? Does he not like me? What is going on? How do I proceed? I felt at a total loss. I felt overwhelmedly confused. It had taken me so long to embrace his abstinence and now it appeared that I was going to have to embrace puritan standards of pre-marital conduct. Or maybe Sexless Suitor just isn't attracted to me at all? Excuse my language, but my little heart just spent 48 hours in a cluster fuck.

And then I went swimming, solo. I had planned on going with a friend but she was too tired and swimming in 68 degree water at 9pm does require some extraordinary willpower. So I just decided to go by myself. I was a little scared of jumping into the cold and dark depths by myself (this is an outdoor, natural water pool and you really don't know what is down there) but I just did it anyways. And once I was in the water the Singlution came flooding back to me. 

I remembered that I am fine on my own and that I don't need Sexless Suitor to build me up. His admiration is extra but I already admire myself. If I want to go swimming or go running or travel, I can do all those things on my own. And if I can't snuggle myself I can do other activities which reduce my craving for snuggling. And I remembered how much I enjoy my own life and being able to do things on my own and spending time hearing myself think. Until now I've NEVER in my adult life had so much freedom to do what I want when I want and to focus so much on myself. I am enjoying that for now, living my life with my dog and my house and my job. 

Going to the game with Sexless Suitor was a bonus because it was an experience I wouldn't have had on my own. The things that I most enjoy about Sexless Suitor have to do with our friendship. Yes, I am attracted to the man (which makes sitting on one sofa while he sits on another quite aggravating) but I am in a great part attracted to him because of our conversations and the things I learn from him and the way we seem to be perfectly matched on the strangeness scale. I don't have any peer-aged siblings so attending a football game with Sexless Suitor's functional family was an interesting thing for me to participate in. It was a new experience all around and a rather pleasant one. There were some awkward moments and some disappointing ones and some frustrating ones and for the most part I felt like a foreign exchange student the whole evening. But it was fun. It was a good experience. And that is the only thing I need to take away from it. If Sexless Suitor wants to ask me out again, I will certainly say "yes". I like the man. But I also have to accept that if I am going to get involved with a guy who hasn't had sex in 18 years, I am going to have to be patient. 

And its so much easier to be patient when I am busy swimming through my own life and jumping into my own unknown depths while he builds up the courage to hold my hand. 

Sexless Singlutionary Experiment

My abstinent admirer has got me thinking. 

My only issue with being single is that I have to deal with getting laid. If I only really want to get laid within a relationship but don't really want a relationship, my life is a daily catch 22. And I'm bored with having sex outside of a relationship.

No wonder I'm so frustrated! All I wanted from a relationship was sex but I kept complaining that all anyone ever wanted from me was sex. While I was learning how to NOT be desperate for a relationship, I was still ultra desperate for some good old fashioned humping.

So, I've decided to quit being desperate about sex. Its OK that I am getting older, that my body isn't perfect and isn't going to get more perfect. Its OK that sometimes I get mad that other people have a lover and I have myself. Its OK that my new exercise routine is upped my libido by about 100%. I am just going to accept sexlessness in the same way that I accept and enjoy singleness. I'm going to quit worrying about how long it was since I last got laid and with whom and how many notches I do or do not have on my belt. I'm going to quit thinking that everyone who is out there doing-the-nasty is happier and healthier and having more fun than me. I'm going to quit dreaming of my next orgasm like a girl daydreaming about her wedding day. 

This is an experiment that I am engaging in. Its a shift in my sense of identity. Its requiring me to be humble and to be perpetually horny. But if Abstinent Admirer can go 18 years, I can go 18 months, right? 

I quit being a desperate dater, a pitiful piner and I quit wah-wah-waiting for someone to come fix my whole life. So why am I still sitting around desperately waiting and pining for someone to come fix my vagina. Why am I even looking it like that? Gross! As if I NEED someone else with their spectacular body part to make my body parts whole?

Lately, the way I function in regards to sex and relationships has begun to come clear to me and I am beginning to understand that if all men have ever wanted from me is sex it is only because all I ever wanted from men was sex.

Sex was the one thing that I've been holding out on, that I've not been able to let go of. My life feels incomplete without sex which is why I was appalled that a totally sane, healthy and attractive man choose to go 18 years without it and not even be mad about it. What a waste, right?

And then I realized that people say the same thing about being single: Its such a waste of time to be alone all those years when you could be in a relationship/in love/married with children.

I don't need a relationship or kids to enjoy life. And now, I am going to try and enjoy my life without sex. 

I just really hope my experiment doesn't last 18 years. I just really hope not. 

Sex(less) Singlution

The comments to my last post about the crush-I-wish-I-didn't have were fascinating. Some people said "Go do him!" and others said "Don't feel bad about physical attraction" and others said "yes, non-committed sex is hard for me also" and everyone pretty much said: "Do what is right for you, there is no shame in that!"

Last week, I already knew that my crush/admirer is not a man who has one night stands. I knew that if I were to sleep with him, it would be a big deal to him and it would be the beginning of a relationship. 

And while I didn't know if I wanted a relationship, I did know that I found him attractive and fascinating. 

And then today, he cleared everything up on another walk around the lake: He simply took sex off the table. 

This attractive, intelligent, perceptive person hasn't had sex in 18 years. 

I almost fell down. I almost fell down and died right there on the lake trail. My body would have been run over by a couple bikers and then stampeded by a booty bootcamp group from the YMCA and then scattered by a stroller brigade. 

There is nothing wrong with NOT having sex. I used to live in Utah and I see the value in chastity. There is nothing wrong WITH having sex either. I was raised near the epicenter of free love and I understand the value of sharing. I, personally, am not convinced that monogamy is right nor am I enamoured with polyamory either. I am sure that each person has to work this out within themselves and follow their own convictions and desires.

But to not have sex for the same amount of time in which a baby grows into an adult? I was stunned. I was overwhelmed. I mean, I'm just on sex hiatus. I'm just taking a short break until I figure it all out, until I meet someone worth humping.

So is he.

To be perfectly honest (and I kinda hate saying this because I hate to perpetuate certain stereotypes), most of the sexual relationships I've had have been hurtful. I always thought that my partner valued me for more than just a good roll in the hay. He didn't. I thought we were friends and that we were there for each other outside of the bedroom. We weren't and he wasn't. Before I was Singlutionary, I always thought that we were on some kind of road-to-forever which would save me from my sadder self.

I've never had a sex partner who really valued me for who I am, for all my qualities or even took the time to get to know me. They saw me as a thing, a toy, an accessory.

My admirer says getting to know a person is simple and clear when sex is removed from the picture. 

In a way, I think he is right. For me, his admiration has been healing because I always sensed that he was interested in ALL of me. He admires and values me not because he thinks I'm hot (although he does) but because of who I am and what I do with my life and where I am going and what I enjoy and value. He enjoys our small-but-growing friendship. And so do I.

And this all gives me space to continue to be Singlutionary, sex free. For now, at least.

And in the meantime, I can enjoy this friendship, enjoy being myself and enjoy being admired for myself, plain and simple. I like that. I'm not sure I'll like it in another 18 years, or even 18 months, but for now, its perfect.

Singlutionary sex is going to be different for everyone. It depends, in part, on where you've been, where you're going and who you are. I am not advocating for 18 years of abstinence but if 18 years of abstinence makes you a better Singlutionary, I'm all for it.

Singlutionary Employment

For the first time in years, I have a full time job. For the first time in years, I do not work with total douche bags! I count myself super duper lucky.

Not only that, but today I realized how Singlutionary my job itself is. Let me provide some background on the new job: The job is in apartment management & leasing. I used to be a realtor, selling people homes, so this is a good transition for me. I get a steady paycheck but I still get to sell people homes, just apartments on lease instead of houses on a mortgage. 

I love love love my house. I realized this today. I don't have to pay a pet deposit. I'm not tied to a lease. I can paint the walls and plant a garden and I can park my car on the lawn and wash it. I change the oil in the driveway. None of these things are allowed at the apartment complex that I work at.

But I also miss living in an apartment. I miss the convenience, the simplicity. I miss NOT worrying about painting my walls or my garden or getting home in time to put the garbage out. I miss having a sense of community, of chit chatting with neighbors in the parking lot. I miss being around young single people.

Most folks who live in apartments in my city are young and single. Houses here are fairly cheap compared to other cities. So renters tend to be younger and childfree and single, more or less. 

This particular apartment complex is located in a part of town where fitness is king. There is a smoothie shop, bike shops, running shops and a big ole trail with plenty of eye candy in the vicinity. Its abs-a-go-go. And of course, its summer and everyone is working out their ultra buff bodies with the least clothing possible sticking to their sweaty frames. Kinda gross. Kinda awesome. 

Today, for hours, my sole view was of hot topless guys working out in the on-site fitness center. This is about as close to actual sex as I want to get these days and it counts as one of the major perks of my new employment.

Also, it appears that my co-workers are single. So far, neither one of them has mentioned a significant other. 

But the biggest change, aside from a regular paycheck, is that I'll be working with the public: The single, athletic, apartment renting public! There are fellow potential Singlutionaries everywhere. Because single people who can afford these apartments aren't sitting around waiting for a partner to provide them with the good life: They already have it. And single people who are so busy running the trail and swimming in the springs and biking the greenbelt aren't sitting around pining away for someone to make their life fun and healthy and exciting: It already is!  And if you're living the good life and enjoying your time in the city and on the lake, well, you're NOT going to be a desperate dater. Everywhere I turn there is Singlutionary (and fitness) inspiration. 

Which is not to say that just because you can't afford to live on the park, you're not Singlutionary material. There are Singlutionaries everywhere. But there are places that attract greater numbers of singles and places that attract greater numbers of people who are really living and enjoying their lives. The place I work is one of them. 

And, yeah, there is also free coffee/tea and soda AND a free massage chair. And a greenbelt view from the business center.

Oh bliss. Utter bliss. I work days in a bastion of Singlutionary-ness and I go home at night to my four bedroom house with the brightly painted rooms, chicken and vegetable filled backyard, an over 20lb dog who always gets dog hair all over the sofa. 

I truly have the best of both worlds!

Monday Makeout: Sunday Singlution

I have learned to much about myself in the past week! A week ago right now I was 100% comfortable with being single. I wasn't even interested in thinking about a relationship or anything close to it. I didn't crave sex or miss cuddling. I didn't feel starved for affection. I was on my own little singlutionary way.

And then on Monday, I madeout.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhh. And my body, which has been on the back burner for about nine months came into the forefront full throttle.

So. Now I am a single woman who wants to be single but who also wants some intimacy.

I don't crave it. I don't need it. This is not something that I can't live without. It doesn't distract me all day long. I am not addicted.

But I do want it in a kinda happy sing-song-y xmas-is-coming kind of way. And figuring out how to navigate the world of affection and intimacy and kissing and sex (or, in my case, abstinence) is what my next few posts are gonna be about.