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Friday, August 7, 2009

I Have a Crush (and Wish I Didn't)

Gross. I now have a crush on my admirer. I hate having crushes. It is SO un-Singlutionary. Having a crush, for me at least, is also a feeling of longing . . . of not being present in the moment but longing for some future junction when crush-plus-I can ride off into the sunset together. The last thing I want to do right now is ride off into the sunset and/or be swept off in some tidal wave of love. I am here, I am rooted and I am on solid ground. The last thing I want is some massive upheaval which plays out like a traumatic romantic comedy/action flick. I've had enough upheaval in the past year for six dramas, thank you. I like where I am standing and the path that I am on and the last thing I need is to be ducking into the bushes all the time for a quick makeout session. 

What I really want from my favorite admirer is to be friends.

What I really want is mutual admiration. 

And sex. 

If only I believed that were possible, or right, or just-that-simple to have sex with a friend and not have everything go haywire.

I am going running with my favorite admirer tomorrow morning. Maybe if I run fast enough I'll outrun my sex drive and be able to coast back into simple friendship. 

But, despite my annoyance at finding my admirer physically attractive, I am enjoying having a new friend and good company. 

I keep thinking that I need to address the issue of being single and (wanting to have) sex here on Singlutionary. But the truth is that I just haven't figured it out yet. Lisa over at Onely has addressed it quite eloquently and seems to be living proof that un-relationshiped sex can be a positive experience. 

I, personally, am still in a quandary

So while I won't be writing about sex, I will be writing about chickens, eggs, insects and the fact that most urban homestead types are seriously coupled and raising humans as well as livestock. 


Special K said...

Hey! On Thursday a friend and I were talking about this "should every single gal have a one night stand?"
I don't know you very well, but I am considering it. And yet I know myself, that sex is very bonding for me.
But for right now, stop thinking and start living. Why wish you didn't? What are you defending against? don't be afraid! You can handle this, you are one clever woman.

Akirah said...

I agree with Special K...let life happen. But I know the importance on figuring out what your feelings mean so you can stand on solid ground once certain situations do arise.

In the end, however, it's important to trust yourself to make good decisions. There's probably a reason why you're feeling this way about your crush.

talesfromabarstool said...

Non-relationship sex is fantastic! One night stands make up the majority of my sexual partners. It's fun, it's short term, no feelings involved. I say do it. You don't have to do it all the time, but you really should get it out of your system and hit it at least once. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

onely said...

I don't really enjoy sex unless I have already have that emotional bond to someone (which is kind of the reverse of what happens to Special K, I think). However, as you said, Lisa doesn't find that initial emotional bond so necessary, and she's making the friends-with-benefits thing work for her. So. . . if you don't know whether you are closer on the scale to Christina or to Lisa, then you probably have to try it to find out. You'll gain valuable knowledge about yourself, in any case. And if the friendship is truly a strong one, maybe it will survive any post-sex-wierdness.

?? Good luck S.

Amy said...

Every time I've tried to keep it casual it's turned into a full-fledged relationship anyway - which was actually a good thing, in regard to my current situation at least.

Damn pesky emotions - why won't they jst do what we want them to? But I agree w/ Speckial K too - you're a strong woman - you'll be able to handle whatever develops.

Clever Elsie said...

First off, please don't beat yourself up for feeling attracted to your friend. Physical attraction is totally normal! It's how we choose to react to it that can be un-singlutionary or not. Even relationships aren't un-singlutionary as long as we don't lose ourselves in them.

From what I've read of your blog over the past months, I know that you worry about this very thing--losing yourself in an obsessive kind of relationship. I don't know if that's the only thing that's holding you back from remaining open to this guy or whether there are things about him that give you pause. If it's the former, then it seems to me that you've come a very long way since your "obsessive" days and now know how to be your own person. But that's just my impression, and maybe you know that you still aren't ready. Or maybe you don't want to be ready because you'd rather keep living your life entirely for yourself, which is totally fine! :)

I'm going to break from what some of the others have said here. I don't think you should necessarily try something just to see what it's like. Instead, I think it's a good idea to think carefully about the possible consequences of FWB relationships and decide whether you're willing to deal with those consequences or not. Maybe talk to other women who've tried it (and not just those who are currently going through it b/c it has to be over and done with before you can really look at the experience objectively) and find out how they felt during and afterward and how their partners reacted. Ultimately, only you can know whether you're the kind of person who can handle that kind of relationship without hurt feelings, resentment, jealousy, etc. getting in the way. Also, only you and your admirer can know whether HE is the kind of person who can handle it without all of the above. Not all guys can, contrary to popular opinion.

I'm sure that you'll make the right decision for you. I'd just suggest thinking carefully about it first and making sure you're prepared for what might happen either way.

The Singlutionary said...

I love the range of perspectives here! I love all of this! Thank you for these awesome and perceptive and brave and unique comments.

For almost all of my sex life, I thought I could rock the one-night-stand. It was hot. Non-relationship sex was hot in general. But I'm ready for a new approach. I haven't figured out what that is yet but I guess there isn't a deadline on knowing one's self.

So I'm still working it all out.

And my admirer has been working it out too. For 18 years. I hope my sex hiatus doesn't go on THAT long. But it might.

bobbyboy said...

Anyone that knows me, even through my blog, knows that I have to be friends with a person first before I can get into a romantic relationship with them.
I just realized (hey, I never said I was the sharpest knife in the draw), that I have ONLY had FWB relationships. The difference being that I was open to more in the relationship and so was she.

My usual advice to people is to do what makes you happy, but like Elsie said, it is usually good to think things through :)

All the best with your situation :)

American Girl said...

Having crushes isn't bad at all, it is just one way of telling that you are human and feels emotions like the rest of people do.
Having sex with someone who is your friend is kinda awkward because you do not have any unique and special bond for each other, you know the love factor but I do respect your opinion.
Whatever doubts you have, weigh things very carefully so that you won't remorse afterward. Making a mistake is very expensive.