A Singlutionary Chicken Funeral

I have pet chickens in my backyard.

My least favorite chicken died yesterday. We weren't that close. I have a special bond with my other chickens -- they all have strong personalities and are feisty or stubborn or friendly. They stand out from the crowd but Little Beer was a quiet simple chicken. Maybe she had a deep inner life.

Who knows? She was a chicken. And now she is dead.

Yesterday, Little Beer's sister, Mohawk -- the other silkie chicken that she was brought up with from chickdom -- was bereaved. Mohawk wouldn't talk or eat or move. She just stood there stunned. Last night, instead of making a perch on the toilet in their coop (where she usually sleeps), she curled up on the floor of the coop. I poked her to make sure she was still alive. She looked at me without any recognition. I tried to get her to eat the most delicious chicken feed but she wouldn't budge. I thought this morning I would have another fluffy yellow chicken body to bury.

But this morning Mohawk hopped out of the coop with the other chickens, her period of morning, at least temporarily, ended. I brought her her own food and made the other chickens back off so she could eat, but there was no need: Mohawk was hungry and wasn't going to be bullied. She was back to her better self.

I have great plans for a chicken funeral. I want to dress up in my farmer outfit (where I look very much like my avatar from the formerly addictive facebook game, Farmville) and say some words over Little Beer's grave with the other chickens in attendance. I want to bury her with some good food and a bottle of beer. It would be fun and playful and a genuine celebration of Little Beer's life.

Lately I have taken to obsessively videotaping myself giving monologues while doing various things or going about my life. I do this because I do so many things alone and I want someone to share them with. So, I video them so that I can either edit the videos and share the online or so that I can just feel like there is someone to talk to about my experiences -- even if that "someone" is a credit card sized crappy video camera.

I would like to videotape the chicken funeral. But then I realize, it might be difficult to find someone to hold the camera. And there isn't enough time to train my dog to do it.

Like many single people, I have friends. I have wonderful friends and wonderful roommates. But as Special K commented on my Vday post, my life lacks intimacy. In the past, I have had intimate friendships where we knew everything about each other and talked all the time and we were available to each other for support no matter what. But as my friends coupled off or married, our intimate friendship was crowded out by their intimate partnership with their partner or spouse. And now, all too aware of the energies a romantic relationship demands, I am reluctant to develop new intimate friendships because I know that they are essentially temporary, a stop gap until one of us couples.

Although I take issue with the way our culture works, it is still the way our culture works.

And so, with the death of Little Beer, I also realize that what I would really like is a capable, supportive person in my life who would enjoy participating in a chicken funeral and would gracefully hold the video camera while I perform the necessary invented rites required to lay Little Beer to rest. It is an odd request and one made on a weekday in cloudy weather. If I am going to put the fun back in chicken funeral, I would like another human to share this unique experience with.

There are a few people I could call upon. I could ask one of my roommates, I could ask my best city friend. But people are busy. There are so many other things to do.

Singlutionary's 30th Birthday Eve

I am writing this in the last 45 minutes of my 20s.

Over the past few years, I've gone through a wide range of emotions about turning 30, especially while single. Some of these feelings surprised me: I didn't know that certain insecurities or desires existed until I felt like the chance for them was drawing to a close.

Two years and some odd months ago, I was in a relationship which seemed like bliss for about two months and then unwound into months of turmoil. During the good times, I remember thinking: "I will be married by the time I'm 30 after all." I was surprised by how relieved and proud I felt. In marrying before 30, I would be accomplishing something that everyone could understand. Through marriage, I would prove to the world and, more importantly, to my family and friends near and far that I was worthy of undivided love, that I was attractive, sexually vital and successful in the most basic human way. I would be a good person, a good woman and by extension, a good friend, niece, daughter, cousin.

I had never realized how alienated I had felt from my friends and from most of my family because of my typically single status. I never realized how much people people worried about me, even pitied me because they felt something essential was missing in my life. I had no idea how much I had internalized this feeling.

When I thought that I would be married within the conventional timeframe, I felt, for the first time ever, that I had some kind of magic ticket to normalcy that I had always yearned for but had never been given.

At that time I was still only 27.

Since then, I have mulled over my fear of turning 30 and have come to face this new decade (now only 31 minutes away) with excitement and relief instead of fear and angst.

My late 20s were not easy. They were full of career failures, financial struggles, personal loss and general confusion. In many ways, it won't be hard to say goodbye to the consternation and frustration and grief of recent years.

And I'm not 20 anymore and I know things about the world. I have experience -- lots of it. And experience is something that can never be taken away from me. I've survived things that I never thought I would have to face.

I had a crisis just a few months ago when I first began to consider setting out on the long road towards a PhD. I realized that by choosing to commit the next 7 years to academic life, the opportunity to have biological children very well might pass me by. At the time I was slightly involved with a man who very much wanted wholesome biological children raised on milk and wheat bread. I mentioned my potential PhD aspirations to him during our last real phone conversation. Two weeks later he flippantly bowed out of our travel arrangements and said something about incompatibility. And that was it.

In the past 10 years I have learned that in choosing one thing, I am also NOT choosing so many others. Spending most of my 30s in school may very well end up being a choice against having a kid that carries my genetics although it doesn't eliminate my chance to be a parent.

And I am OK with that. If being pregnant and giving birth to my own spawn was super important to me, I would have chosen so many different ways to spend my 20s. I've always wanted to adopt older children and I've always known that by doing so, I can buy myself some time against the generation gap: If I am 40 and adopt a 7 year old, the generation gap isn't quite as huge as it would be if I gave birth at 40.

I am no longer afraid of being an old maid. I know that I will have companionship. And I know that it will be unconventional. I've lived my life out of order and upside down and I can't expect to suddenly grow up and start doing everything the typical way. The typical way has never made sense for me. Its not going to start making sense just because my looks and fertility are starting to fade.

I have a rich life and many talents. And I am going to use them. If nothing else, I am going to live life on my own terms. My 20s were about figuring out what I wanted to do. My 30s are going to be about doing it.

To actually realize my dreams instead of just dreaming them is at once exhilarating and intimidating. But that is where I'm headed.

I've got 9 minutes left. And then I'm ringing in the next decade of wonderment.

Warming Up

Most of the relationships I've been in have taught me the same thing: I need a lot of time to myself. The last relationship I was in merely confirmed this fact.

There is a tension between the excitement of meeting someone and feeling that mutual attraction and knowing that I need to protect my time so that I can be happy.

It seems that whenever I've been in a relationship, or even just getting to know someone in a romantic kind of way, all the time that I usually spend on things like keeping the house/car clean and maintained, taking care of myself, reading, catching up with my friends, writing and art projects -- all that time gets eaten up by the new beaux.

And it is great at first, but after a couple months I get angry. I start wondering why I can't get anything done and I start to resent the time spent with said person. I try to draw back and start spending more time doing the things I need to do -- laundry -- for example. But the other person always sees this as a personal affront and the relationship starts to crumble.

What is the solution to this?

Always be single? That is the approach I have been taking for the past few years. But what if I am ready to be open to a functional relationship where I CAN have enough space. What if I've decided that this IS a possibility and that, now, after 2 years of going solo (and sexless) I am warming up to this option.

I've written recently about being an introvert. I think that the main thing I need to find in a potential partner -- from the get go -- is someone who can understand and respect my need for personal time and someone with their own interests and friends and passions. Someone who needs time for his own projects and interests and relationships.

And then, I need to allow things to be slow and easy instead of fast and hard -- which is my usual approach.

The Introverted Singlutionary

I am an introvert. This has been brought to my attention in many ways over the past several months.

As an introvert, I need a lot of "me" time. I need quiet. I get easily overstimulated. The only problem is that, I don't LOOK like an introvert. I am animated and gregarious and very talkative. I enjoy people. I am always planning activities and building community. I live in a house with 3 other people. Writing this blog is a great way for my introvert to relax because I can be alone & quiet when I write it, but I can still engage in lively interaction and conversation with others.

Is it easier for an introvert to be a Singlutionary?

Spirited Children (or something like that)

My best friend, the Purple Turtle is an introvert with an extrovert for a husband and a 4 year old extrovert for a son. I used to find her husband exceedingly annoying because he never rests. He never stops talking and he doesn't understand that other people need time and space to think. Purple Turtle read this wonderful book about raising her extroverted son but she really learned more about how to nurture her introverted self. This book talks about how to deal with introverted children (of which I was certainly one) as well as introverted ones. It says that when they get home from school, introverts need time alone and so it is best to let them be by themselves until dinner time and then engage with them, ask them how their day went, etc.

When I come home from work, I do not want to be bombarded with hugs or requests or questions or invitations to go out. I don't want to interact. Or, maybe I do want to interact but only with very specific people in a very specific way.

Sacred Solitude

The reason I haven't been writing much lately, is that I've been in a very conflicted relationship that I was never fully on board for. Many people in my inner circle don't even know about this relationship because I didn't want to announce something that I was never sure was going to last. It didn't. There are many reasons for this. I learned a lot about myself, who I am and who I am not. Perhaps the biggest lesson of all (aside from being a little more cautious before committing to being in a relationship and NEVER telling potential partners about this blog) is that I am intensely introverted. Yes, I go out in the world and interact with strangers. Yes, I am always creating events and hosting get-togethers. Yes, I even have my own meetup group. But I have a secret life outside of all of that that most people never see. This secret life is quiet, introspective and solitary. I need this secret life to be well and thriving in my public life. In order to go out into the world and be the vivacious, active, creative and ambitious person that I am, I also need this deeply personal sacred time. And I need a lot of it. In a relationship, a lot of this time seems to, for me, get negotiated away. It disappears under the expectation that being involved with someone means wanting to spend ALL free time together.

Deceptive Appearances

Our culture worships the extrovert. If you are a quiet, shy or reserved person, you might be perceived as rude or unhappy or maybe even stupid. Social, gregarious people are seen as smarter, sexier and more likely to be successful. I've adapted. Last week, I was told by a friend of a friend that I seem to be an extrovert. This makes it even more offensive to people when I frequently turn down social invitations. There is often an attitude, especially amongst younger folks, that if you're not doing anything particular, you're available to socialize. So, on a Friday night, if I don't have plans, I am expected to accept invitations to go out or do SOMETHING. When in fact, I do have plans -- with myself. And no, this is not lame and pathetic but vitally important to my well being, my ability to function in the world and my ability to be who I am.

It is difficult for me to explain this to people sometimes. I've had to become comfortable with saying "no" and knowing that for some people, it will seem as if I am rejecting them entirely.

Private Life

This private, solitary life that I lead in the corners of the day when I can sneak away from demands and social expectations is usually enjoyed 100% alone. There are a few people who I could be in the same room with and still feel this sense of peace and rejuvenation. The folks are also introverts. I suspect that all introverts have private lives and sometimes we lead them in the same room. Purple Turtle, my best friend from childhood, is someone who I can be around for days on end -- mainly because we have the same need for quiet and introspection. If she grabs a journal and a book and goes to sit in a chair on the other side of the room, I know what is up and I follow suit. I have a cousin that I also can spend a lot of time around -- and my parents -- the biggest introverts of all (almost to the point of being hermits).

It was very difficult, in many of my past relationships to have this private, quiet, reflective time. The extroverts that I was dating did not understand. They felt shut out. They wondered why I didn't want to do things with them all the time. Meanwhile I felt drained and angry. Sacrificing this time is not an option for me.

Now that I am back to being single, I feel this huge sense of relief. I can be myself again. I can shut the door and lock it. I am free to be alone. And then, when I am done recharging, I am free to go back out into the world and be me.

Does my introversion prevent me from being in a relationship? No. It just narrows the pool to people who can understand my need for solitude. Should I only date introverts from now on? Maybe. Or at least people who understand the need for quiet and peace and aloneness and who enjoy it themselves.

Singlutionary Wedding

I've been working a lot of weddings lately as catering staff. This is something I did after college for extra money and something I'm now doing again in order to get my new adventures off the ground.

I generally dislike weddings mainly because I fail to comprehend them --- why would you ask people to come from all over the world and then just talk about how you love one person more than them? But I also secretly dislike them because I've never had one.

A wedding may not be something that every little girl wants but I certainly did. I wanted to get to wear the big wonderful dress and have all my friends together and I wanted to have all the beautiful lights in the trees and tulle dancing in the breeze and the candles and the music and the sense of community and the sheer beauty of it. I've always been interested in creating beautiful spaces and beautiful events and the wedding event is the epitome of these things.

Of course I grew up in an unconventional family and a slightly unconventional community so as a little girl I felt completely free to imagine my wedding pretty much groom-less and I did. In many ways the groom is absent in most little girl's fantasies of their own wedding. It is about the dum-dum-da-dum and the dress and the flowers and the bridal party more than anything else. My fantasy wedding would include a multi-family improv show in lieu of a ceremony and feature a performance by Marilyn Manson at the reception and would take place in the very same location where Jurassic Park was filmed.

The wedding I was working last night was deeply conventional in a Texas twang kind of way. The outdoor ceremony began with the lords prayer and the reception (which was held in a barn) featured country music (most of which included the word "Texas" in the song). The bride and groom ended the night by running a gauntlet of sparklers -- the bride, of course, in cowboy boots. And somewhere during this evening while I oversaw a buffet of sliders was this: I would have gotten married and lived a "conventional" life if that life had been presented to me.

I always think that somehow it is a different breed of person who gets married in her early-mid 20s and has 2.5 children and lives in a single family home with a flawless front lawn. I've always felt like some kind of an outsider to that life -- like a little girl window shopping for her future but never being permitted to enter the store.

What I realized last night is that what I have done in my life and what I haven't done has nothing to do with the kind of human I am. I am not a different breed of person who is immune to a more conventional lifestyle. If given the opportunity to live a more usual life, I would have jumped at it. I would have worn the white dress down the isle with the candles and the flowers and the tulle and I would have rode off into the sunset in whatever kind of footware was appropriate for my location and my upbringing.

In many ways I was taught and I accepted that a wedding is the beginning of adult life. But what happens when you're well into adulthood and there is no wedding in sight?

My life has presented me with singleness just as other people lives present them with a spouse or partner. And being single has made me who I am just as being married has made others who they are. It isn't a singles vs. coupled world that we live in. It is simply a human vs. sacrifices world. Are we going to live our dreams even if they make no sense or are we going to give into the comfort and stability of the daily grind? Which do we want? Most likely a little of both.

Do I still dream of my improv-show/controversial-yet-oddly-eloquent-celebrity-performance/dinosaur-landscaped wedding? Yes. Do I still dream of me going it alone in the beautiful dress on top of some rock outcropping with the sun setting into the ocean and then ride off into the sunset on a tulle clad brontosaurus? Yes. Do I have the energy to ever pull this off? Maybe. But for right now there is a dirty car that needs to be washed and baby chickens that need to be integrated with the big birds and a dog with too-long toe nails and a new business endeavor to start tomorrow.

Moments When it Does Suck to Be Single

I don't have many moments where being single sucks for me. I am not even phased by valentines day, for example. But tonight I had one. It isn't so much about having a shitty experience as a single as it is about having to do horrible something entirely alone and having no moral support or physical support or any kind of support.

So.

My most recent moment where it pretty much sucked to be single:

Moving cat carcass from my driveway.

I really could have used some moral support but nobody was available. Could this have happened if I had a loyal loving husband? Yes. Totally. Loyal loving husbands are not always available either when icky things occur.

But tonight, for the first time in a long time, the following thought went through my head: :I really wish I had SOMEONE to help me deal with this".

This is a BIG cat. I was pulling my car out of the garage. It was dark but I saw something large and fluffy lying across the lower part of my driveway, almost at the street. I got out to investigate and sure enough it was the large cat that poops along my house. I don't mind cats pooping along the side of my house because I am rarely over there and I figure they ought to enjoy pooping in a place that I rarely frequent. So this cat, more like the size of a dog, is dead, at the bottom of my driveway in all his fluffy orange glory with a decent stream of blood flowing from his opened jaw.

I got back in my car and just sat there. I called my roommate to see if the cat had been there when she got home. I called my parents twice -- no answer.

Most of the time I know what to do about a situation pretty much immediately but this one had me stymied.

So I finally maneuvered out of the driveway, around the giant dead cat and went to the grocery store, thinking the whole time: "What are the logical steps to take in this situation."

I was pretty sure that moving a giant dead cat is a fairly unpleasant task.

I had gone through the dead pet process at Thanksgiving time with my roommate's hamster. But this isn't MY dead cat. I felt wrong moving another person's dead cat. But I also didn't want the cat's young owners to find it lying there in the morning. I also didn't want a neighbor to think that I had carelessly run over their cat while backing out of my driveway.

At a certain juncture, I finally quit freaking out, summoned my inner grown up, found an old towel and a big cardboard box and approached the dead cat.

And that is when I thought: "I really wish I weren't single right now. I really wish that there was someone to stand next to me while I try to pick up this giant dead cat carcass and place it somewhat ceremoniously in this empty toilet box."

I ended up having to scoot the cat into the box and then when I righted the box, the cat thumped to the bottom. Oh. It was a fairly awful experience. I then wrote notes to my two next door neighbors inquiring as to the ownership of the big orange cat. I did not put in the note that their beloved Garfield was now resting in peace in a cardboard toilet box with a cement block on the top to keep out the possums and stray dogs.

And that was my Saturday night Singlutionary adventure.

Singlutionary's Guide to Finding Awesome Roommates

When I lived in San Francisco, (a city where people rent closets for $400/mo and have multiple roommates just to get by) I decided it was time for me to "grow up" and have my own apartment. I was 24 and dead set that I would live alone and that I would live alone for the rest of my life.

I did live alone that year and then I lived alone again when I moved to my current city.

And then I bought my house. Most of the time now I have 3 roommates. And instead of being something I tolerate, it is something I am massively grateful for. My roommates put up the chickens when I can't get home before dark, they share food and advice and sympathy. We also share in the excitement of the chicken's first eggs or the garden's first sprouts. My roommates have helped me to mop up toilet overflow, given me rides and loaned me money (when no bank in their right mind would loan me a cent).

It is also my roommate who is letting me tag along during her wedding preparations in India. I will see all of the traditions in preparing for the wedding ceremony.

And it is another roommate who built my chicken coop, sourcing all the materials for free with the promise that, oneday, she would have all the free eggs she could dream of.

Not only are these folks my roommates, they are my family, my support system, my friends. They offer me new experiences, new concepts and help with the most basic and most necessary parts of life. They offer their company at the grocery store.

How do you find roommates like these? Honestly, I think it is part magic. But the other part goes like this:

1. Be Comfortable with Strangers

I've rented to people I know and I've rented to friends of friends. These have often been the folks that I had MORE difficulty with as roommates. The best roommates are the ones that I didn't know before I moved in. I think it is easier to BEGIN a relationship as roommates (or in my case roommates AND landlord/tenant) than to begin as friends and change the dynamic along the way. Also, because I don't start out being friends with my roommates, the friendship is a bonus. I don't expect them to be my friend at first and they don't expect that of me, so if we aren't kindred spirits, its no big deal -- as long as we keep the kitchen clean.

2. Be Honest About What You Want

You need to be honest with YOURSELF about what you want from a roommate and how you like living your life. If your favorite part of the day is coming home after work to a quiet house, then you DO NOT want a super social person who will have friends over all the time. Really think about your lifestyle, write it down and be ready to articulate it to a stranger. It may be more important to find someone with a similar expectation for how the home is used than to find someone who also likes to swim or eat at your favorite restaurant. The better you can articulate who you are, the more likely the right person will be attracted to your advertisement. Also, you need to be honest if you meet someone and you KNOW it will not be a good fit. For example, when people come to meet me and look at the house, and they ask if they can have friends over, I say: "This isn't a house where we have people over very often-- it just gets too crowded". This gives people the opportunity to weed themselves out if they wouldn't be a good fit.

3. Trust Your Gut (This Should be Number One)

You are allowing this person into your home. The wrong person could wreak havoc on your life. So trust your gut, not only to weed out the bad eggs, but to hone in on the good ones. Make sure the person fits your criteria but is also someone you feel comfortable with. If something doesn't sit right with you DO NOT ACCEPT THEM as a roommate, even if it makes you feel prejudiced or judgemental. I always feel bad when I reject someone. I feel like I should "give everyone a chance". But this is YOUR HOME and some caution is in order.

4. Require a Deposit and Charge What You're Worth

It doesn't matter if it is your house or if you're the main lease holder. If the person is going to be using your stuff and your the person who manages the household, charge a deposit. I charge deposits, not because I expect people to ruin things -- I have never had to keep a deposit -- but because responsible, reasonable people expect to pay a deposit and they have the money to do so. It can be as little as $50 but it is symbolic of the value of your things and the trust that you are putting into them to NOT ruin them.

Also, don't under charge. If you charge too little, people will wonder "what is wrong with it". Don't charge too much either but set a reasonable price and stick too it. If you get desperate and lower your price, you'll get a desperate roommate. If it is a tough time of year and you feel that you need to offer an incentive -- offer a discount on the first month's rent ONLY. This is better than bringing down the price (and the perceived value).

5. Love One Another

This goes without saying, but you're going to get better roommates and have better relationships if you're a good communicator and if you communicate with love. I hate to be cheesy but that is a fact. Don't be a drama queen or king. When your new roommate doesn't clean her hair out of the bathroom drain don't pitch a fit or get your panties in a bunch. It is NO BIG DEAL. Just say next time you see her (in a nice casual tone): "Oh, by the way, when you're done washing your hair, will you be sure to clean it out of the drain." People need to know when they're doing something wrong so that they can fix it. The worst thing you can do is decide that someone is a douche bag because they did something minor and they don't even know what they did! Yes, maybe they should know that leaving a drain full of hair is totally gross. But maybe she was super busy and forgot. Or maybe she forgot her towel because she just moved into a new place and is all scatterbrained and had to run from the bathroom naked to her room and that is why she forgot.

And that is it!

As far as advertising goes, this will vary a bit by region but I have had plenty of success on craigslist. There are a lot of flakes on there but I write a long advertisement about the room and about how straight laced I am and about how clean the house is, etc. The flakes are too flakey to respond. I also state the deposit on the post which eliminates another group of flakes.

Any other advice? Any roommate success stories?

As singles, roommate are often a big part of our lives so share your stories and your roommate love.

*Stevi, I am just waiting for you to write about Manette!

Wednesday Homeowner Series: Singlutionary's House

Every Wednesday I'll be posting on a topic related to homeownership. Sometimes I'll write about buying a home and sometimes I'll write about fixing a home and sometimes I'll just tell stories about owning a home. If you have a specific question you'd like me to try and address please email me or comment.

Homeownership isn't for everyone. There is nothing wrong with being a life-long renter. I am not of the opinion that people who rent are not "grown-up". You can be a Singlutionary and live in a tent or an apartment or a hotel penthouse. Whether you rent or own does not affect your awesomeness.

I have a house. And I am single. So that is what I am going to write about right here, every Wednesday: Homeownership from a single woman's perspective.

I've been slowly coming into my own in the past two years as a homeowner. I always wanted to have my own house, am fascinated with real estate, with buildings and with the spaces people live in. Basically, I love home. I'm a homebody.

Two and a half years ago I finally bought a house. The funny thing about buying a house is that it seems like this great accomplishment. I felt like I had made it. I had joined the ranks of the land holders.

But the real work had just begun.

Owning a home is a responsibility and a commitment and an ongoing learning experience. And it is a big one. A big huge one. Traditionally, couples bought a house when they were ready to start a family. My parents went that route. But somehow I never got the memo. I never thought that it was strange that I, a single woman in my 20s, would buy a four bedroom single family home all on my own. I didn't stop to think that it might be easier to keep up a house and a garden if there are TWO people instead of just one. I just new what I wanted. And I knew that had always wanted it.

Shortly after I bought the house I became so overwhelmed that I became emotionally paralysed. I remember going over to a friend's house with my sister and staring at the TV, feeling totally incapable of moving or making any decisions about what to do next. I felt literally frozen in place. I was completely overwhelmed but I couldn't even articulate what was wrong. I wasn't depressed. I was just terrified.

When I bought the house, I thought I'd have it in the shape I wanted it to be in within a few months. I knew everything I wanted to do and in my mind's eye, I could see how beautiful it would all be when done. It has taken two and a half years to accomplish 75% of my original to-do list. Two and a half grueling, no-time-to-socialize, paint-splattered clothes, project cluttered years that I wouldn't give back for the world.

Unless you move into a place and have a TON of money and about a month off work to go shopping, meet with contractors and have your entire life turned upside down, it is going to take a while.

Unless your house is brand new. But even then . . . .

Even if you buy a condo . . .

And then, when you get your house into that perfect condition that you've always dreamed of, something goes wrong. And it usually costs a heck of a lot of money to fix it.

For me, a house is not only a home but a sanctuary. It is also a work of art. I consider myself a homemaker. It just so happens that I make a home for myself, my dog and my roommates instead of for my spouse and children. Still, the amount of time and thought and energy and grace that I put into creating a home is immense.

My home is an extension of me. It is an expression of myself. I want it to be clean and beautiful and peaceful because I want to bring clarity and beauty and peace into the world.

I am also very critical of my house. I see everything that is wrong with it. I see the tiny spots where the paint isn't perfect and I see the lack of landscaping in the front yard and I see the books, unceremoniously dumped on the bookshelf and the old aluminum windows that are SO inefficient. There are so so so so so so so many of these imperfections that others don't even notice but which nag at me every day. When I first moved in, there were so many things that needed to be done that I simply couldn't pick which one to start with.

But somehow I got through my new homeowner stupor. And I got down to business. I needed to learn fast and be strong if I was going to figure this all out.

So I started learning. Something broke and I figured out how to fix it. I learned to start thinking about how the plumbing works and how the air conditioner works and how screen doors work and which things can be fixed by a quick trip to Lowe's and which things need more than one set of hands to fix and who to call for what. A big part of owning a home is problem solving. And for me, it was also problem solving on the cheap.

I'm still learning-- often the hard way. There is no "done" when it comes to life or home ownership. If the building is still standing, there is work to be done.

This house, and all that is represents, and the people it shelters is a big part of my life.

So on Wednesdays I'll be sharing my struggles and my triumphs and my frustrations. And answering any question you might have to the best of my ability!

Struggling to Keep Up with Singlutionary

I need to post the winners of last week's raffle giveaway and post the new giveaway.

I need to write all the great posts running through my head about my crazy life and my big girl bed and my dog and Teapot and my week of list-less living. 

And I will.

Please bear with me.

Real life keeps taking over.

And I am one of those crazy (annoying) people obsessed with Farmville on Facebook.

FORGIVE ME!

The Singlution Renewed

For a while I didn't have much to write about. I was busy adjusting to my new job and the new life that came with it. I've come to realize that it takes about 3 months (not three weeks) to really get adjusted to any new part of life and it takes about 3 years for a big new thing (like a new city or a new career or a new relationship) to feel normal.

Maybe that is why my relationships only last 3 months: I've never met someone that I'm willing to adjust to. I've also been told that the first 3 years of marriage are the hardest. 

But that isn't what I'm here to write about. At least, not today.

When I started this blog I was a brand new Singlutionary. I was so excited to have finally figured out that being single wasn't my fault or some deficit I needed to constantly be on the defensive about. Instead, being single, at any age and for any period of time is something to celebrate. There are many many many benefits to being single. Back in January, I was just learning how to count my blessings. 

Ten months later, I am still counting my blessings but the daily ins-and-outs of my shamelessly single life are so satisfactory that for a while I didn't know what to write about. Being Singlutionary doesn't seem so revolutionary anymore. 

But lately I've found myself having an affair with this blog. I meet up with it for lunch in the back room of my office. And then after a long day at work I come home and snuggle up with it in bed. This blog is my boyfriend. But it is my circle of friends too. The blogging community (both single and coupled) is always there for me and although I've never met so many of my wonderful blog friends face-to-face, I feel supported and loved every time I log on. I also appreciate the perceptiveness of my fellow bloggers, the interesting and beautiful things people have to say and the articulateness with which they have to say them.

I love being a voice in the singles blog world but for me, the days of "I'm so excited to be happy and single" are over. Instead I'm just happy and most of the time I forget that I'm single. Being single is just normal.

My life is still, to various degrees, shaped by my singleness but that is not all there is to me. So, I will continue to write about potential mates, about traveling alone, about attending weddings solo, about annoying comments from perpetually coupled friends. But I will also just write about my life, my family, my dog, my house, my friendships, my sad attempts at overcoming my desire to eat cake all day long (even when I am happy). 

So, in short. I am back and as Singlutionary as ever. In addition to more frequent posts, I'll be revamping my blog roll, updating the site, offering some giveaways, reviewing books and expanding my reach. But mostly I'll just be telling stories from my shamelessly single experience. 

Labor Day Pains and Pleasures

So I had a crisis over the weekend. I am afraid to admit that I may have strayed from my Singlution.

On Saturday I went on my first official date with Abstinent Admirer. It was super fun, his sister and brother-in-law were hecka nice and I felt comfortable even though I knew nothing about football. Let me amend that last statement: I felt comfortable when we were all four together. I think that Abstinent Admirer (who now shall be upgraded to the name of "Sexless Suitor") prefers to spend time with me well chaperoned. I felt a little rejected that he didn't touch me at all. In fact, he made great effort NOT to touch me. His sister, through the course of normal social interaction touched me more than he did. I'm not taking about anything sexual here. Sexless Suitor has already laid down his no-sex card. I'm just talking about a hand on a shoulder, a gesture, a tap, a bump --- the normal things that happen when you're sitting next to a person or (gasp) lightly flirting. I think Sexless Suitor is terrified of touching me. And it kinda hurt my feelings. 

Between that and realizing the next morning that one of my roommates had unexpectedly skipped town, I feel a little rejected all weekend. My confidence was in the crapper.

So I had a mighty unproductive weekend. I called all my friends and told them the story of the evening, about how Sexless Suitor sat on the very far end of the sofa and I on the other. I told them about how I had to initiate a HUG at the end of the evening. I said I didn't know what to do! Does the man like me? Does he not like me? What is going on? How do I proceed? I felt at a total loss. I felt overwhelmedly confused. It had taken me so long to embrace his abstinence and now it appeared that I was going to have to embrace puritan standards of pre-marital conduct. Or maybe Sexless Suitor just isn't attracted to me at all? Excuse my language, but my little heart just spent 48 hours in a cluster fuck.

And then I went swimming, solo. I had planned on going with a friend but she was too tired and swimming in 68 degree water at 9pm does require some extraordinary willpower. So I just decided to go by myself. I was a little scared of jumping into the cold and dark depths by myself (this is an outdoor, natural water pool and you really don't know what is down there) but I just did it anyways. And once I was in the water the Singlution came flooding back to me. 

I remembered that I am fine on my own and that I don't need Sexless Suitor to build me up. His admiration is extra but I already admire myself. If I want to go swimming or go running or travel, I can do all those things on my own. And if I can't snuggle myself I can do other activities which reduce my craving for snuggling. And I remembered how much I enjoy my own life and being able to do things on my own and spending time hearing myself think. Until now I've NEVER in my adult life had so much freedom to do what I want when I want and to focus so much on myself. I am enjoying that for now, living my life with my dog and my house and my job. 

Going to the game with Sexless Suitor was a bonus because it was an experience I wouldn't have had on my own. The things that I most enjoy about Sexless Suitor have to do with our friendship. Yes, I am attracted to the man (which makes sitting on one sofa while he sits on another quite aggravating) but I am in a great part attracted to him because of our conversations and the things I learn from him and the way we seem to be perfectly matched on the strangeness scale. I don't have any peer-aged siblings so attending a football game with Sexless Suitor's functional family was an interesting thing for me to participate in. It was a new experience all around and a rather pleasant one. There were some awkward moments and some disappointing ones and some frustrating ones and for the most part I felt like a foreign exchange student the whole evening. But it was fun. It was a good experience. And that is the only thing I need to take away from it. If Sexless Suitor wants to ask me out again, I will certainly say "yes". I like the man. But I also have to accept that if I am going to get involved with a guy who hasn't had sex in 18 years, I am going to have to be patient. 

And its so much easier to be patient when I am busy swimming through my own life and jumping into my own unknown depths while he builds up the courage to hold my hand. 

Sexless Singlutionary Experiment

My abstinent admirer has got me thinking. 

My only issue with being single is that I have to deal with getting laid. If I only really want to get laid within a relationship but don't really want a relationship, my life is a daily catch 22. And I'm bored with having sex outside of a relationship.

No wonder I'm so frustrated! All I wanted from a relationship was sex but I kept complaining that all anyone ever wanted from me was sex. While I was learning how to NOT be desperate for a relationship, I was still ultra desperate for some good old fashioned humping.

So, I've decided to quit being desperate about sex. Its OK that I am getting older, that my body isn't perfect and isn't going to get more perfect. Its OK that sometimes I get mad that other people have a lover and I have myself. Its OK that my new exercise routine is upped my libido by about 100%. I am just going to accept sexlessness in the same way that I accept and enjoy singleness. I'm going to quit worrying about how long it was since I last got laid and with whom and how many notches I do or do not have on my belt. I'm going to quit thinking that everyone who is out there doing-the-nasty is happier and healthier and having more fun than me. I'm going to quit dreaming of my next orgasm like a girl daydreaming about her wedding day. 

This is an experiment that I am engaging in. Its a shift in my sense of identity. Its requiring me to be humble and to be perpetually horny. But if Abstinent Admirer can go 18 years, I can go 18 months, right? 

I quit being a desperate dater, a pitiful piner and I quit wah-wah-waiting for someone to come fix my whole life. So why am I still sitting around desperately waiting and pining for someone to come fix my vagina. Why am I even looking it like that? Gross! As if I NEED someone else with their spectacular body part to make my body parts whole?

Lately, the way I function in regards to sex and relationships has begun to come clear to me and I am beginning to understand that if all men have ever wanted from me is sex it is only because all I ever wanted from men was sex.

Sex was the one thing that I've been holding out on, that I've not been able to let go of. My life feels incomplete without sex which is why I was appalled that a totally sane, healthy and attractive man choose to go 18 years without it and not even be mad about it. What a waste, right?

And then I realized that people say the same thing about being single: Its such a waste of time to be alone all those years when you could be in a relationship/in love/married with children.

I don't need a relationship or kids to enjoy life. And now, I am going to try and enjoy my life without sex. 

I just really hope my experiment doesn't last 18 years. I just really hope not. 

Off-the-Grid Singlutionaries

With all the recent changes in my life, I've also got a new obsession: Creating (in my mind for now) an ideal off-the-grid resort community in rural Southwest, TX. I have always longed to create communities in which visitors could spend time being creative, being quiet and hearing their own voice again (how many times have I longed for a place like this where I can find some solitude?) and I've always had an interest in sustainable living. 

And so have other folks too! Turns out that there are lots of people who gave up their jobs and their busy "successful" life in the big city to move out to Southwest TX (and other places) and built their own super simple home-on-the-range. One thing I notice about these folks is that many of them are single. You'd think that if you're gonna move out into the middle of nowhere (and I mean the MIDDLE of nowhere), you'd need at least two people to make a go of it. Not so. These single folks have friends, they have community and they live on vast tracts of land with only a few longhorns in sight. 

And none of them seem lonely. In fact they seem entirely satisfied with their ultra-simple lives and their acres of solitude. 

Of course, this lifestyle is a lifestyle and is obviously not for everyone. I'd like to create a community where people can come and go . . . visit for a weekend or a month or a year and then go back into the world more inspired and joyful and centered and healthy. I just always thought I'd be creating a place like this in the redwood trees along the Pacific coast. But land out west is pretty expensive. And, besides, who wouldn't want these folks for neighbors:

Old New Yorker/New Texan Recites a Poem to Longhorn Cattle

Former City Dwelling Lawyer Shows off Her Adobe and Cob Estate

And in Huntsville, TX a Guy Makes Recycled Homes from Garbage

Dreaming of Vegetables

I am exhausted and I am craving vegetables. The new job seems to have an endless supply of free candy, soda and coffee which means that my entire diet last week consisted to those three items. Yesterday I crashed hard. Today I feel a little bit better.

Today, the only thing missing in my life is healthy food (and a shower and a clean house). But in my dream last night I dreamed that I was married. My in-laws had this duplex which was really kinda a duplex shack with all sorts of strange walls, etc. I thought we had our own place but when we went to go to bed it turned out that that there was another couple in the same room in another bed. I wasn't really bothered by all this closeness. What I was bothered by was the fact that I like to have sex. I drew the other female aside and tried to work out a deal with her (a la college dorm room style) that we each vacate the room for certain alternate periods to allow the other couple to have sex or we "do it super quiet". 

Ah. My waking life is so different. I woke up in my twin bed by myself. And my first thought was "gosh, I would feel a whole lot better if I ate some vegetables". 

Interestingly enough, my first thought was NOT "I am alone" or "I wish I had a husband" or "I want sex". That wasn't even my 2nd or 3rd thought or ANY thought yet this morning.

Yesterday, an IM suitor (you know, the ones who like to IM you when they get bored at work) left over from the match.com days inquired as to the reasons for my "sex hiatus". He seemed to think that I just hadn't met the right guy lately and all I needed was a dose of his manpowers and I'd give up on my sex hiatus forever. 

Its not that I don't have a sex drive. It IS that I don't want to intimately engage with anyone right now. I am still busy getting to know myself. So engaging with others is incredibly draining. I'd rather spend my energies (and limited free time) cooking or working on the house or swimming. I need to take care of myself and nurture myself right now and do activities which replenish my store of enthusiasm, charge up my passion batteries. And for some reason anytime I get involved with a new person (sexually or not) I end up giving a lot of myself to that new relationship. I think that this is just the nature of any new relationship. 

There will come a time when I am ready to re-engage with others and to enjoy new friendships and spend some time polishing the old ones. But that time hasn't come for me yet. I know this because every time I have tried to "get out there" and make new friends, I come home exhausted at my very core.

I have come to understand that as humans we have our own unique seasons. There are social seasons and then there are seasons of solitude. I suspect that in the past when we didn't have electric lighting and climate control, our internal seasons lined up more with the natural seasons. Winter was a time for solitude and reflection and summer was a time for socializing and connection and sharing. Obviously my seasons are all jacked up because its summer and I just want to be a hermit.

Although I am thriving at the new job which requires constantly meeting and connecting (in a professional manner) with new people. Maybe that is my big relationship for this summer. Who knows what next summer will bring.

Or maybe I am just simply a winter socializer with all the fruitcake and mulled wine and hot chocolate. 

Who knows. But I know enough by now to respect my own internal seasons and not to push myself in exhausting directions when I could be enjoying the comfort that solitude provides. 

And now, for the Cheesy Essay Questions Section:

What about you? What do you think about this concept of internal seasons? What kinds of things make solitude wonderful? What aspects of the social season do you most enjoy? 

Singlutionary Takes on Toilets (and Wins)!

My dear fellow blogger, Welsh Girl, just commented on my last post, wondering where I've been. I've been MIA for about a week now! What have I been up to? Is all well? Did I fall into one of the toilets I was replacing? What is happening with the Singlution? Have I abandoned my Singlutionary ship and ridden off into the sunset with the first studmuffin to cross my path?

Well, no, once a Singlutionary, always a Singlutionary. I have not abandoned the Singlution. To be honest, no articulate studmuffins have crossed my path lately either so temptation is lacking. Instead, I've been hell bent on getting my house whipped into shape. I took on way too many projects (toilets, chickens, painting, etc), all at the same time, for one single Singlutionary to complete in a reasonable amount of time. And yet I now need them completed. I need this not only for my own mental health but also because I got a full time job! I start next week and I am heck bent on getting all the loose ends of life wrapped up before I start working not only one-full-time-job but one-full-time-job plus the-part-time-job that I already have.

(After I finish this quick post, I am going to go write my final post on my Unabashedly Unemployed blog about the job and everything that means to/for me.)

But as far as the Singlution goes, its still in full swing. It might take me a few more weeks to catch up on reading blogs and to get my new routine down but I'm still here being single and loving it!

And I did install two of my three free toilets. It wasn't easy and it wasn't pretty and it took about 5 times longer than I planned, but I did it and I gained a lot of toilet-flange/cement-drilling knowledge and confidence in the process! The last 1970s-permanently-poo-stained toilet is in my own bathroom which nobody else really uses (although they had to use it while their toilets were reduced to a pipe in the floor). That project will have to wait for a day off or a holiday. I think I might start calling Independence day, "Change the Crapper Day". After that I'll be independent of toilets. Wait. No. I still NEED the toilets (in order to not get arrested for public pooing). I just won't need a husband/boyfriend/partner/spouse/handyman/bitch/live-in-lover to change 'em.

Dear Singlutionary!

I know that I gush a lot about the fantastic sense of support and community that I get from the singles blogging community and from writing Singlutionary. Well, that sense expanded even more this week when I received emails seeking advice/support from two readers:

The first reader is from Australia and wrote that she is looking for an online community of single female friends through an email group. Of course an email group has no geographical boundaries but can offer a great deal of support and more intimate friendship to folks the world over. Friends are IMPORTANT to Singlutionaries so I am all for the idea of people starting email groups especially when not everyone lives in a wonderful vibrant city and might *need* to connect beyond their neighborhood to find some single kindred spirits. As I hear more details about this email group, I will be sure to blog about it.

The second reader found me by doing an internet search for Susan Boyle. How did THAT happen? I was going to post something about Susan Boyle but haven't yet. Anyways, this reader asked that I write about two things: newly coupled people ditching their single friends only to come crawling back after-the-fact and choosing singleness over ickypoo relationships. Here is what I have to say about each of those issues:

Newly Coupled People Ditching Their Single Friends

Ew. Gross. There is nothing more rude or heartbreaking than having a BFF one day and no BFF the next. This is really really hurtful and I know because I have been through it. Our friends are essential pillars in our support networks and are sometimes more capable of being "there" for us than family. Sometimes friends ARE family especially if family is absent or dysfunctional or can't relate to a certain aspect of your life. Unfortunately, I don't think that our culture reveres friendship very much. Friends are something for childhood before the "real" stuff like marriage and children comes into play. There is this perception that when we grow up we don't "need" our friends anymore. Unfortunately, this assumption lies on the premise that every one "grows up" when they get married and that everyone gets married at exactly the same time as all their other friends so that nobody is left out. And that is a faulty concept because married people still need friends, and good ones too!

So, why do people ditch their friends when they get into a relationship? Sigh. I think this is partly due to culture and this concept that romantic love "sweeps you off your feet". There are people who want to feel so wrapped up in their partner that they can not see or hear anyone else. Also, as a practical matter, people only have a certain number of social hours and when a new person comes on the scene, they have to balance out those hours with the time they usually spend with friends. Part of the Singlutionary mindset is to have a full satisfying life with our without a partner. If your life is full and satisfying and you're not wah-wah-waiting for Mr./Mrs. Right all day long, the chances that you're going to run off in the sunset (never to be seen again) with him/her are more slim. Still, while I hope to contribute to the singles movement where singledom and friendship are honored and revered just as much as romantic relationships, I can't just cast a magical Singlutionary spell on the world so that everyone behaves the way I want no matter how much I want to.

What I can do is offer up what I have learned from my own hard knocks with friends:

1. Seek out friends who are happy, satisfied singles (or coupled Singlutionaries). A big red flag for me when making a new friend is if she only wants to do men-seeking activities like go to bars to talk to meet guys, etc. Our interests must be beyond finding a man together. 

2. Learn to enjoy at least a little bit of solitude. I know that this is super hard for people with the opposite personality type of me. I love alone time but some people feel antsy and anxious when alone. Might I be a little cliche and suggest taking a yoga or meditation class? There, in the company of others, you'll clear out your mind and be alone in there and see that its not so scary after all. Its just . . . peaceful. If you learn how to be your own best friend, you'll realize that you're never totally alone.

3. Get good at making new friends because no matter how awesome your current friends are, there are times in life where they won't (for whatever valid reasons) be able to be there for you. They might be sick or overwhelmed or getting a divorce and simply unable to be a friend because they are struggling so hard just to keep their own life together. Its easy to feel angry and abandoned anytime someone you count on goes missing from your life but sometimes you just have to let them be. This is a great time to make new friends. Meetup.com is a great resource but if you don't live in a major city, try an online community for singles or take classes, join a group that interests you, hang out at the coffee shop or any place where people gather. Practice spotting people who look like they might have something in common with you. Finding new friends is like dating so try not to feel rejected when it doesn't work out at first. Most of the time, its just a timing thing: you need a new friend and the potential new friend is trying to juggle too many other commitments at the moment.

4. Explore your interests. I think a lot of people have things they really want to do (mine is: take a day trip out to that one little town and explore) but they are waiting to be in a relationship to do it. Do it yourself. If you can afford to, take surfing classes instead of waiting for a hunky surfer to walk into your life, take you in his/her strong arms and show you how its done. I know its scary to join up in things all on your own and ideally you'd have a friend to go with you but if you just buck up and do it anyways, chances are you'll meet a new friend doing the very thing you sat around for three months wishing you had a friend to it with. And even if you don't make a new friend, this is another opportunity to get to know yourself better!

The same reader also asked about accepting being single after a series of really bad relationships. This is what I have to offer up on THAT one:

I have so been there. I too felt like I was behind since the time I was 13! Yes! 13! I know, I am a total nutcase. When I was 13, I felt like it was too late for me, that I would never catch up and that I would never be happy in a relationship. Of course my adolescent despair proved to be somewhat correct because for the next 15 years I would continue to feel like I was behind, like I would never be in a good relationship and that there was something inherently and essentially wrong with me which made all this the case. And my thinking played out in real life creating a vicious cycle.

All of my relationships were lacking. Some were better than others. Some even bordered on being good but for the most part the suffering I experienced far outweighed the pleasure. 

I was desperate. I took up with anyone who could put two sentences together. I didn't even ask if maybe they could do a third sentence just to be sure they were competent. If a guy liked me and wasn't too annoying, I liked him. That was the way it worked. 

And that is why I now love being single! I think that the very first thing in finding a partner who isn't going to use and abuse you is to know your own worth. How could I know my own worth if I was running around with idiots who wanted the world from me in exchange for a cheese cracker? I needed some time and space to get to know myself. Now I am learning about myself and every day I am impressed by how amazing I am. I guess you could say that I am falling in love with myself but that is super cheesy and the fact that I wrote that kinda makes me want to barf. Anyways, I am wonderful! I value myself and the things I can do with my life more and more every day. More than that, I value, for the first time, the life that I have built for myself. Because of this, I would never let some idiot guy come in and smash up my awesome little life with his sledgehammer of idiocy. 

One thing I've noticed about myself in the past months is that I am way more picky about who I let into my life. This goes for men and for women, for guys I meet on match.com and people I meet in my community. Because I have taken the time to get to know myself and realize all that I have to offer, I want to be around people who also have a lot to offer and know how to share it. 

I used to live my life like a love free-for-all. I was that girl on the parade float throwing out candy to the crowd. I just gave myself away. I worked for far less money than I was worth, I gave away my time to anyone who asked for it, I supported freeloaders, etc. Now I am still riding in the parade but I am just sitting there satisfied basking in my own joyfulness and hanging out with the other folks on my float and smelling the zillions of flowers all around me (in this fantasy I have no allergies). 

I guess what I am trying to say is that being single is not sad or lonely or depressing. It can be one of the best opportunities of your life. And being single does not mean giving up on love. In fact, I think that choosing to be single is exactly the opposite!

Single or Singlutionary?

Until my recent revelation in regards to my roommates and my need for community, I thought that I wanted a community of Singles. I was very adamant that everyone be single. I even posted a post on craigslist for single friends. I had one woman respond who was married but wasn't "connected at the hip" with her husband. She seemed super cool but I honestly wasn't really interested because I wanted single friends.

Single means unattached. For many people being single is a temporary state and eventually they'll be in a relationship again. Being single doesn't really mean that a person is happy or active for fun or even available. And making friends with single people doesn't guarantee that, as soon as they become coupled, they won't run off with their partner and abandon their loyal friends.

So while I was looking for single friends, I was also wary of single friends. I've met a lot of singles in my life who just use friends as a filler until they find a mate. I found myself in a catch 22 with my own thinking.

So when I found community with my roommates, it was strange to realize that not all of them are single. In fact, two of them aren't single. Two of them have serious long-term boyfriends. This fact rarely occurs to me because, at home, they are functionally single. 

I make it really clear to prospective roommates that their significant other is not welcome to live here. If he/she comes over once a week, that is fine but the house is too small for everyone to have their partner over all the time. Plus, when a couple is making breakfast or watching a movie, its pretty easy for them to make the other people in the house feel kinda uncomfortable (depending on how obnoxious they are). Couples tend to take over in domestic spaces. Not only that, this is my home and I want to be able to walk around without a bra on with my hair all messed up and not feel awkward when my nipples bump into someone's significant other. So I seek out roommates who feel the same way about the situation. 

So far my adamance about: "YOU live here but your partner does not" has been very effective. I've seen one roommate's boyfriend about four times and the other roommate's boyfriend, I have NEVER met although he did hook us up with free cable. The roommates disappear over the weekends to their boyfriend's places where roommates aren't an issue. 

Still, if two of my three roommates are coupled, how could it be that I've found the single community I was seeking right here at home?

What I was seeking wasn't a singles community at all? It was a Singlutionary community that I really wanted! Even if/when I find myself in a relationship, certain basic things aren't going to change about my life. I am still going to keep up with my friends, my dog, my house, my hobbies. My lifestyle won't change nor will my way of thinking. (I know because whenever I have gotten into a relationship in the past, things HAVE changed and ultimately, I got pissed off and ended it.) Having a Singlutionary mindset is what is important, not whether you happen to be single or coupled.

Being Singlutionary is: Thinking and speaking as an "I" not a "we". Having strong relationships (outside of coupledom). Owning your own happiness and not waiting for another person to deliver it to you. Enjoying time and space alone. Pursing your dreams independent of a romantic relationship (even if pursue your dream with your partner, you would still pursue it alone if he/she weren't in the picture). 

Me and my dog and my three roommates are all Singlutionaries and that is why this works. We all have a strong sense of self and enjoy our lives as individuals. I am sure my two coupled roommates also enjoy their lives as part of a couple, but I suspect that they still see themselves as individuals even on their weekends at the boyfriend's. Their sense of identity isn't entirely dependent on their man. In fact, it isn't dependent at all on their man although they do love and respect him. 

So I guess I was being narrow minded and prejudiced when I was exclusively looking for an exclusively single community. Of course, there are typically some differences between the lifestyle/needs/availability of single vs. married people. My roommates don't live with their boyfriends and that obviously is a key factor. Geographical proximity seems to be a big deal when it comes to community. I think this is the case now more than ever as traffic gets worse, gas gets more expensive and people seek a higher quality of life. 

So Singlutionary community blossoms everywhere, even in my own backyard and even with people who aren't even single!

Singlutionary on ONELY and SINGLE WOMEN RULE!

Last week Singlutionary was profiled by Lisa and Christina at Onely in their "Some Like it Single" series!

And the week before that Singlutionary was mentioned in a "Sisters in the Struggle" post by Keysha Whitaker on Single Women Rule!

I wanted very much to celebrate these two blogs and their contribution to happy satisfied singledom in a more timely matter but I am learning that I am anything BUT timely!

Regardless, if you haven't subscribed to Onely or to Single Women Rule, you should. Both blogs offer insight, fun and a variety of voices on the Single life from a happy non-hostile perspective. They're uplifting. And they both boast a great list of resources on their blogrolls! Check them out.

If you're looking for more singles blogs than you could ever process in one lifetime, there is a list of the "Top 100 Dating, Relationship and Singles Blogs" on The Toronto Speed Dating blog.

This obscenely comprehensive list includes Onely and Single Women Rule and breaks down the blogs by cities and topic. 

Singlutionary's Secular Sabbath

I lived in Utah in my early 20s and I pretty much became as close to being a Mormon as you can get without actually converting. Lots of different religions observe the Sabbath (whichever day it falls on) in a variety of ways. Mormons don't go shopping (or listen to secular music, etc). The concept behind this (which makes a ton of sense if you live in Utah surrounded by Mormons) is that if you're out buying stuff, you're forcing people to work on the Sabbath and nobody should have to work on the Sabbath. Basically, the whole day is dedicated to quiet, restfulness, thoughtfulness, community and (of course) church.

I don't go to church but I have long loved the idea of taking a day off from the world. Our consumer culture is so strong and I am always going full steam ahead on one project or another and running around buying things or working so that I can buy more things so I can do more projects, etc. If I'm not working at a job on Sunday, I'll be working on a project or going on some huge hike which leaves me more tired come Monday. 

Because I am single, its easy for me to keep going full steam ahead all the time and not take time out to just relax and hang out at home without some master productivity plan. I think that coupled people who live together are more likely to enjoy a day around the house doing nothing in particular because they don't have to go anywhere to socialize. Regardless of your coupled or non-coupled status, I am realizing how important observing my secular sabbath is to my mental and physical health!

I advocate for all people (but single work-a-holic types especially) to spend one day a week (whichever day works for you) to be thoughtful, reflective and to enjoy the most simple things in life. I have found that the following guidelines make my secular sabbath more enjoyable and restful not only physically but emotionally and mentally and yes, spiritually was well. Come Monday, I feel truly refreshed and ready to get back to work. You might have different guidelines (if so please comment), these are mine:

1. Plan for a Planless Day. My sabbath is off limits even to social plans. If a friend wants to get together great, he/she can call me when they're ready and just come on over to hang out.

2. Spending Free Day. Not only does this save money but it limits the amount of hustle and bustle in my life and forces me to do simple, quiet things at home and to be imaginative about my activities and/or catch up on reading.

3. Expect Nothing of Myself. I am a very planned, organized, productive person so this is a real challenge for me. I want to make a list of stuff to do like "write a blog, prepare garden for planting, clean the kitchen". There is something to be said for taking a day off from cleaning and chores. Cleaning and chores ARE work. If I am walking through the kitchen and spontaneously wash some dishes, great, that is a bonus, but this is one day where I am not going to shake my finger at myself for having a dirty house!

4. Enjoy the Emptiness. I feel super lazy on Sundays. If I am not intentional about observing my Secular Sabbath, I just get depressed because I don't feel like doing anything and that makes me feel like a looser. But if I just give myself the day off and intentionally only do things that I want to do in the moment I find that I a) surprise myself with the things I do get done and b) am way more productive the rest of the week.

5. Keep it Simple. The best activities for a secular sabbath are simple basic things like: sitting outside in the garden with the dogs, reading a book in bed, watching Big Love on DVD, writing love notes to long distance friends, writing my blog or in my journal, making a nice dinner and inviting a friend over, taking a bath, watering the yard, day dreaming.

6. Keep it Human Powered. This might be left over from my hippie days but I enjoy not using the car for a day. If I want to get out of the house I can walk (or ride my bike if I ever get around to fixing the brakes). Keeping things simple and close to home reminds me to be grateful for my home and to observe the small kingdom that is my neighborhood.

So, fellow Singlutionaries, do you observe a secular (or a not-so-secular) sabbath. What are your guidelines for a simple restful day off? Do you find that observing a secular sabbath enhances your quality of life? What obstacles do you have in setting one day aside to rest and relax? 

My House and Me: One Less Ounce of Desperation Part 1

I've written about desperate dating but there are two sides to that icky-poo coin. There are the effects of desperate dating and then there are the causes.

Until recently, I never was really able to pinpoint the cause of my own desperation when it came to relationships with men. 

I grew up pretty feminist. My mom never entered me into a beauty pageant and set an example by doing home repair projects on her own. She didn't even take my dad's last name. But at the same time, my parents had pretty traditional gender roles. My dad worked. My mom stayed home and then went to work part-time when I was in school. So while I was taught that men could (and should) cook and do laundry and that women could (and should) work for a living, that was not exactly the environment that I was raised in.

I want to make it clear that I am in no way criticizing this arrangement. That was what worked for them and it wasn't based on gender as much as the fact that my dad had a good stable job and my mom was really good at fixing up houses. My dad loves routine and can deal with the day-to-day monotony of going to the same office for 20 years. My mom loves change and excitement and is a risk taker. If their personalities had been switched, I wouldn't be surprised if their roles would have been switched as well.

So, I never thought that I "needed" a man in the way some of my friends do. I've always been very independent and wanted to learn to do things on my own. I don't need a man to fix my car or take me to dinner or to make my life complete. I don't need a man to show me the way or to protect me or make me feel special. I get validation from multiple sources, from both men and women. I fix my own car, take myself to dinner and I complete me!

But under all my bravado, my whole life, I have thought that I needed to be in a relationship in order to do three things (that I am yet aware of): settle down, have financial security and enjoy life. 

The first of these subconscious assumptions began to crumble two years ago when I bought my house. I was overwhelmed. It needed too much work and I had no time and no money and I didn't have any other friends who were homeowners or a community of do-it-yourselfers to pitch in or give advice. At the same time, I was freaking out because my life pre-homeownership was incredibly mobile. I moved every year. I never had a permanent place. And while I was ready to "settle down" I felt freaked out that it was happening to me. Something just felt off, like I had forgotten to do something important. What was I giving up by settling down? I had that bad feeling you get when you pack for a trip to the tropics and you forgot to pack your bathing suit. Something was amiss. 

In buying the house, I was making a commitment. And it was a commitment that I very much wanted to make. But in the back of my mind somewhere, underneath all my independence and education and self awareness, was this idea that having a house and settling down is something one does WITH a partner. I was overwhelmed by the house because I thought I had to do everything myself. My parents had done everything themselves and only hired people to do work that required permits or expertise beyond their own. But there were two of them. And there is one of me. 

It took me a while to feel OK with paying someone to mow my yard. I mean, shouldn't I be doing that myself? It took me a while to forgive myself for taking three months to paint the living room (which has vaulted ceilings and exposed beams and required borrowing a 9 foot ladder). Why couldn't I get it done in a weekend?

And once I realized that I, on my own, could not replicate the perfection of my parent's do-it-yourself lifestyle, I could find my own balance and my own groove. It wasn't that I was missing something or defective in some way. It wasn't that I should have done things in the proper order and waited to buy as house as a newlywed. What is to guarantee that this imaginary husband is a do-it-yourselfer anyways? A huge part of my parents relationship is based on their houses. I'm not sure that I want my relationship to be based on the house. Or on dogs. Or on travel. 

But for a while, after buying the house, I felt really desperate for a man. I felt like I just couldn't cope with all the responsibilities of the house on my own and secretly I wanted some sexy carpenter/electrician/plumber/contractor/landscaper/HVAC guy to walk into my life, literally sweep me off my feet and carry me over my own threshold. But then I realized all that I would sacrifice if the house belonged to someone else and I depended up on him to do everything the house required. It would no longer be my adventure and I would not have the chance to learn more or to tackle the challenges I had so longed for. And more importantly, I realized this was the ONLY reason I wanted a man in my life so badly. I would just be using this hottie handyman for his, uh, hands *ahem*. And while that makes for a great daydream, it doesn't make for a great relationship.

This was the first of my revelations regarding my subconscious assumptions about what I can and can not do as a single. I had no idea that I had been wah-wah-waiting for someone to settle down, but some part of me was. 

I will write about my more recent experiences with finances and fun next!