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Monday, August 30, 2010

Warming Up

Most of the relationships I've been in have taught me the same thing: I need a lot of time to myself. The last relationship I was in merely confirmed this fact.

There is a tension between the excitement of meeting someone and feeling that mutual attraction and knowing that I need to protect my time so that I can be happy.

It seems that whenever I've been in a relationship, or even just getting to know someone in a romantic kind of way, all the time that I usually spend on things like keeping the house/car clean and maintained, taking care of myself, reading, catching up with my friends, writing and art projects -- all that time gets eaten up by the new beaux.

And it is great at first, but after a couple months I get angry. I start wondering why I can't get anything done and I start to resent the time spent with said person. I try to draw back and start spending more time doing the things I need to do -- laundry -- for example. But the other person always sees this as a personal affront and the relationship starts to crumble.

What is the solution to this?

Always be single? That is the approach I have been taking for the past few years. But what if I am ready to be open to a functional relationship where I CAN have enough space. What if I've decided that this IS a possibility and that, now, after 2 years of going solo (and sexless) I am warming up to this option.

I've written recently about being an introvert. I think that the main thing I need to find in a potential partner -- from the get go -- is someone who can understand and respect my need for personal time and someone with their own interests and friends and passions. Someone who needs time for his own projects and interests and relationships.

And then, I need to allow things to be slow and easy instead of fast and hard -- which is my usual approach.


8 comments:

ConstanceB. said...

I know exactly why you mean. It's so hard to take it slow at the beginning because everything is so new and fun. Good luck!

Amy said...

I think you hit it right on the head: You need "someone with their own interests and friends and passions. Someone who needs time for his own projects and interests and relationships."

I wouldn't feel bad if the relationship is a time suck in the beginning - that's one of the most fun parts. But when normal life resumes, as long as you've found someone who has similar needs for alone time and separate interests, it will work out. Although it is work at times - that's the tradeoff.

kep614 said...

I had this discussion recently with someone I'm dating and I told him that I'm working on it but not to take things personally if I want some time to "get things done". Its so hard to be completely honest b/c I don't want to let him down but in the end we are much more happy together.

downfromtheledge said...

i never seem to have the discipline - or whatever exactly it takes - to figure out "slow and easy." these past two days i have been coming out of a 2-week lust phase, where i started falling back into my old patterns and insecurities KNOWING how stupid i was being. i thought i had learned this lesson already and that is why i swore off relationships!! it's like i can't help myself . . .

by some grace unknown, i have found the level-headedness to step back and consider whether this person can even give me what i want or need. yes i miss sex (soooooooooo much), i miss closeness, i miss being held and and wanted - so much that i almost allowed that to be enough without considering the price i will pay if i am not loved and respected first. the person i end up angry at is myself. for doing the same dumb thing. so here's to not falling fast and hard, not if i can help it!!

angelina said...

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kiss

The Singlutionary said...

It is hard to take it slow at the beginning! Everyone agrees, it seems. But I think, that for me, this is the only way to go. Do long distance relationships make it easier?

downfromtheledge said...

i think distance can make it easier in the sense that there are limits placed on how careless one can act. forces you to think first, evaluate the relationship. on the other hand, the absence can also lead to rushing things when you ARE able to be together! catch 22

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