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Monday, September 7, 2009

Labor Day Pains and Pleasures

So I had a crisis over the weekend. I am afraid to admit that I may have strayed from my Singlution.

On Saturday I went on my first official date with Abstinent Admirer. It was super fun, his sister and brother-in-law were hecka nice and I felt comfortable even though I knew nothing about football. Let me amend that last statement: I felt comfortable when we were all four together. I think that Abstinent Admirer (who now shall be upgraded to the name of "Sexless Suitor") prefers to spend time with me well chaperoned. I felt a little rejected that he didn't touch me at all. In fact, he made great effort NOT to touch me. His sister, through the course of normal social interaction touched me more than he did. I'm not taking about anything sexual here. Sexless Suitor has already laid down his no-sex card. I'm just talking about a hand on a shoulder, a gesture, a tap, a bump --- the normal things that happen when you're sitting next to a person or (gasp) lightly flirting. I think Sexless Suitor is terrified of touching me. And it kinda hurt my feelings. 

Between that and realizing the next morning that one of my roommates had unexpectedly skipped town, I feel a little rejected all weekend. My confidence was in the crapper.

So I had a mighty unproductive weekend. I called all my friends and told them the story of the evening, about how Sexless Suitor sat on the very far end of the sofa and I on the other. I told them about how I had to initiate a HUG at the end of the evening. I said I didn't know what to do! Does the man like me? Does he not like me? What is going on? How do I proceed? I felt at a total loss. I felt overwhelmedly confused. It had taken me so long to embrace his abstinence and now it appeared that I was going to have to embrace puritan standards of pre-marital conduct. Or maybe Sexless Suitor just isn't attracted to me at all? Excuse my language, but my little heart just spent 48 hours in a cluster fuck.

And then I went swimming, solo. I had planned on going with a friend but she was too tired and swimming in 68 degree water at 9pm does require some extraordinary willpower. So I just decided to go by myself. I was a little scared of jumping into the cold and dark depths by myself (this is an outdoor, natural water pool and you really don't know what is down there) but I just did it anyways. And once I was in the water the Singlution came flooding back to me. 

I remembered that I am fine on my own and that I don't need Sexless Suitor to build me up. His admiration is extra but I already admire myself. If I want to go swimming or go running or travel, I can do all those things on my own. And if I can't snuggle myself I can do other activities which reduce my craving for snuggling. And I remembered how much I enjoy my own life and being able to do things on my own and spending time hearing myself think. Until now I've NEVER in my adult life had so much freedom to do what I want when I want and to focus so much on myself. I am enjoying that for now, living my life with my dog and my house and my job. 

Going to the game with Sexless Suitor was a bonus because it was an experience I wouldn't have had on my own. The things that I most enjoy about Sexless Suitor have to do with our friendship. Yes, I am attracted to the man (which makes sitting on one sofa while he sits on another quite aggravating) but I am in a great part attracted to him because of our conversations and the things I learn from him and the way we seem to be perfectly matched on the strangeness scale. I don't have any peer-aged siblings so attending a football game with Sexless Suitor's functional family was an interesting thing for me to participate in. It was a new experience all around and a rather pleasant one. There were some awkward moments and some disappointing ones and some frustrating ones and for the most part I felt like a foreign exchange student the whole evening. But it was fun. It was a good experience. And that is the only thing I need to take away from it. If Sexless Suitor wants to ask me out again, I will certainly say "yes". I like the man. But I also have to accept that if I am going to get involved with a guy who hasn't had sex in 18 years, I am going to have to be patient. 

And its so much easier to be patient when I am busy swimming through my own life and jumping into my own unknown depths while he builds up the courage to hold my hand. 


Jenn said...

Good for you! I think what you went through is totally normal. My experience is that getting comfortable with yourself on your own can make being in a relationship different (and, I think, better than before you gained that confidence) but it doesn't mean you'll never 'regress'. It does means that you'll likely bounce back more quickly and be able to keep things in better perspective. So rather than think of this as 'straying' from your Singlution, I'd consider it more like an evolution.

Kahnee said...

The ulimate compliment. A guy that likes you so much he's scared to sit by you. LOL! That's so sweet. hahahhhaaaaaa. I'm sorry it's soooo sweet.---

also, don't sweat it. You know I waver from my "singlutionary" self sometimes to, but we always find a way back.

The Singlutionary said...

Jenn, you're right! I do bounce back more quickly now and it IS an evolution, a never ending one!

Kahnee, I don't think its sweet at ALL that he won't sit next to me. I just feel rejected. But that is OK. I can never reject MYSELF. We all waver in our Singlutionary-ness, but I just don't like the way it feels. So much conflict and confusion.

The Peach Tart said...

Yes there seems like there should be some in between of sexual intimacy and not even touching or sitting next to each other.

Welsh Girl said...

Blimey - I go away for a bit and it all starts happening! I am going to have to go back into the archives to discover why Sexless Suitor is on an abstinence drive that makes Saints look promiscuous.

Can't believe your room mate skipped town like that. How revolting of them. Instantly sell their goods and chattels on e bay and spend the proceeds on a Singlution Experience!!

Megs said...

I had such a similar week last week. Mine however, stated with a not so sexless suitor and a little too much to drink. Let's just say the deal was not sealed. Then I bumped into the last guy I dated and he pretended that I didn't exist. Then my plans got canceled and I felt like it was because people didn't want to hangout with me. That sent me into a deep dark what is wrong with me despair. Then I went for a run on the beach everyday last week all by myself. It was amazing and just getting my body moving made me feel amazing. Relationships and boys and life get so confusing sometimes. Then I go for a run and for some reason everything becomes so clear.

The Singlutionary said...

Peach Tart: Yes, it does seem like there should be a happy medium. I told one friend about my predicament and she said that he might be leaving enough room for the holy spirit between us. That made me laugh. I'll get him to sit next to me one day. I am NOT waiting for marriage for that! I don't even want to get married!

Welsh Girl: I am not sure any of us really know why Sexless Suitor is SO sexless. I think it is part stubborness, part bad experience and partly being a good person. He might be sexless but he better not be snuggless much longer!

I would love to have some cash for the Singlution Experience.

Megs: Just getting out and doing things solo always reminds me of how much I enjoy my own company! I think sometimes we sit around looking for another person to bring the party when in reality, we've got all the party we need inside of us! Glad to hear you went running on the beach. I am super jealous!

jo said...

hmm maybe he's scared to touch you 'coz he's scared that if he does, he won't want to stop touching you and well you know how that goes...

Filipina Girl said...

I admire your patience about the guy. Oh well, as what they have said good things happen to those who wait.

May Sexless Suitor find the courage at least to touch your hand and initiate some flirting. Wish you luck ;)

iol said...

I'm SO glad that you ended up being a lot more comfortable with the situation .... I hope that in the 7 days since you posted the blog entry there's nothing else playing on your mind!

But I have a suggestion - I don't think that "suitor" is the right word to describe him ....... this might be stopping you from getting your mind around it. I've looked it up online and it's defined a few ways - from courting a woman to marrying her.

Know what I mean? Can you come up with an imaginative name that's mainly focusing on "friendship" ......

Know what I mean?

iol :-)