I also like to think, during the good times, that I have everything all figured out, that I'm wise and learn from my mistakes and can carry forward without fear of failure. And honestly, that isn't a bad way to live life.
Except, sometimes I do fail.
The past week has beaten me up. I'm exhausted. There are so many things I need to write about and I don't even know where to begin.
But to begin with, I must throw Sexless Suitor out the window. I must. The thing is that I didn't realize how much I liked him. I was busy living my life and going about my business and I thought that would protect me somehow. I still have a full life but I DO crave relevant connection. I DO crave physical affection. I don't know how to NOT crave these things. But pretending that I wasn't craving them got me into trouble. That is where, I think, I made my mistake.
I haven't been honest with myself. I am not 100% Singlutionary-ized like some of the folks who frequent this site. Or maybe I WAS and then something changed. And that something is that my life slowed down into a routine and I wasn't constantly busy. I had room for a new friend and I was willing to welcome Abstinent Admirer into my life. And Abstinent Admirer was great. He admired me, he liked me for who I was. He made my work days and my walks around the lake less boring. And then he asked me on a date and became my Sexless Suitor.
But Sexless Suitor sucks. He sends me mixed messages, he won't touch me although he is very emotionally intimate with me. It hurts and confuses me like crazy.
I spend a week not knowing what to do, frozen in confusion. And then I talked to one of my best married Singlutionary friends. And she said: "Obviously he isn't good enough for you. If you were giving advice to yourself as the Singlutionary, that is what you would say."
And I knew she was right.
Feeling hurt and confused after one date is great because it is an early sign that one should turn around and run full force in the opposite direction before getting trapped in the mire.
I was frozen in confusion because I was trying too hard to figure him out, figure out what was wrong with me or him or the situation. And its not worth it. Its not worth exhausting myself over.
Still, I am sad that this has ended. I admired my admirer. He was a new friend, a new presence in my life with a new perspective. I don't often meet people that I admire and appreciate like that.
But through the past week, I've had my friends and roommates rally around me. They've fed and walked my dog, given me rides (my car also broke down this week), commiserated with me, offered to lend me money (the roommate who disappeared in the middle of the night also stopped payment on her rent check nearly causing my mortgage payment to bounce) and bought me midnight brownies at the place with my favorite skinny waiter. I've had plenty of shoulders to cry on.
I have plenty to be grateful for.