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Monday, November 9, 2009

Teapot (and Revolution Tea Sampler Giveaway from Single Edition**)

It has been over a week now since my first date with Teapot. I like Teapot and Teapot likes me. At least I think that is still the case. I usually never get past a constricted first date with guys. I know right away that there is a problem with them or with any potential "us". Most first dates make me want to cry and barf at the same time which is why I rarely go on them. The last time I got as far as a second date was with the Porsche driving Pedestrian Bridge Makeout Boy. Either he didn't like the way I kissed or he just wanted to get laid because I never heard from him again. That was 9 months ago.

Lately I've been having a hard time posting because I feel some conflict as a Singlutionary. For the first time in a long time, I actually have space in my life for a relationship. And I want one. Christina at Onely wrote not too long ago encouraging folks to ask themselves WHY they want a relationship instead of wanting to be single. I think this is a valid question. Most times when I have asked myself this question in the past, I have gotten an answer that wasn't quite right and was something I actually wanted in myself instead of needing a partner to fill it: Financial stability, someone to hold the ladder while I go on the roof, someone to get groceries on the way home from work, a house/home, someone to travel with. As I became more and more Singlutionary, I realized that many of these reasons for desiring to couple were merely deficits that I saw in myself and I figured out how to overcome them. I was able to buy a house on my single income (when I had an income-- I am now unemployed), I can always ask a roommate to hold the ladder, I've accepted that there is no such thing as financial stability in this day and age and I have created a wonderful home which I share with my roommates and my friends and adopted family. I have also accepted the challenges and joys of solo travel.

I know now what I do NOT want. I do not want someone to complete me. My life is already complete. In fact sometimes it is overwhelmingly full. I do not want someone to follow nor do I want a follower. 

I have learned to be a wonderful companion to myself. I also have fantastic roommates who I share stories of my day with and who I can tell about getting fired and other disappointments. I even have a friend who I can regale with tales of taking out toilets. 

I have a best friend in the same state and a sister in the same town. I have best friends from childhood in the same city. 

But all my friends are busy. And partnered.

I used to want to partner because I missed my friends and I felt that the only way to spend time with them was to partner myself so that we could do couple things together (this is when we were in our early 20s and they were newly married and wouldn't do anything without their "other half"). But my desire to have a companion now has less to do with wanting to see my friends more often (I would see them one-on-one now if I so desired) and more to do with having the space for a new friendship.

I have space in my life for a new relationship and I crave the growth and expansion that comes from engaging with a new person and making a new friend. Anais Nin wrote:
Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
I have always felt this way about friendship-- that it is something powerful and sacred and truly important. I am ready for a new friend.

Why does this friend have to also be a romantic partner?

Because in our culture it is hard to not let friendships fall by the wayside. I already have a best friend and a sister. I have lots of women in my life. I would like a best male friend. And my experience with best male friends is that can be ripped from your life by a jealous wife/girlfriend. 

I am looking for a best male friend/partner. Because that kind of relationship is easier to keep forever. Most of my friends are forever friends. I don't really have too many of the other kind. 

I haven't heard from Teapot for a few days. I am assuming that he is busy with work and I don't mind because I am busy too. I don't have space for someone who wants to see me every day. Teapot might disappear too and then all this thinking is for nothing. But even if he does stick and I find myself coupled, I will still write and I will still be Singlutionary.

There is a Singlutionary way to be single and there is a Singlutionary way to be coupled. Either way. I am still living the Singlution

**Today is the first day of my weekly giveaway series. At the end of each Sunday post (yes, I know it is Monday already and I am duly embarrassed), I will state the giveaway item and the criteria to enter. The winner will be drawn from a hat of commenters. For this first giveaway, all you have to do in order to get your name in the hat is to comment stating that you'd like to be entered. I will post the winner at the end of next Sunday's blog along with the next giveaway item/criteria for entering.

Today's giveaway item is a Variety Tea Sampler of 5 teas from Revolution Tea

Today's giveaway is sponsored by SingleEdition.com


ikkinlala said...

Thanks for this post - it makes a lot of sense.

I would love to enter your giveaway, please, if Canadians may.

Jenn said...

Great post! I think it's important to ask yourself why you want a relationship (and equally important for anyone who wants to remain single to ask themselves why they they want that) and to recognize that wanting a relationship doesn't have to mean you aren't happy being single. It's not an either/or - you can be completely happy being single and still see that there are benefits of being in a relationship (just as one can be completely happy in a relationship and still see that there are benefits of being single). There's nothing wrong with wanting the kind of friendship and companionship that can only be found in a romantic relationship. If anything, I firmly believe that being happily single is an important part of finding a healthy relationship.

Simone Grant said...

Thank you for the wonderful, well thought out post.

I feel like the next time I get weighed down in some ridiculous discussion of why/how I can both be happy to be single and also be happily seeking someone in my life I'm just going to send that person a link to this.

Megs said...

Wonderful post. I think you nailed it on the head on why it is ok to be single and be looking. There is nothing desperate about it, but rather you are looking for someone who compliments your life. At least that is what I think for myself. I am content with being on my own and dread the first dates, but I know that being in a relationship is something I want now not something I need. I would like someone who compliments me and is my male best friend or whatever you want to label it. I agree with the whole girlfriend/wife thing. I have had so many best guy friends vanish into thin air when they meet someone because the girls couldn't understand how we could be that close without being "in love". Why is something so simple made so complicated?

Also would love to be in the giveaway. I love tea :)

Anonymous said...

Glad to see a post from you.

How are you now that you're not working and looking for a new job? Feeling OK? Or got too much time to "think" .... and twist and turn all your thoughts ....

Plus you also said ....

>But all my friends are busy.
>And partnered.

Just the time to start thinking ... are you feeling a bit lonely? Is this why you may be questioning what you'd like to be doing et al?

Maybe you could try finding yourself another Teapot - different style, variety, "brand" etc .... just to see how much you need a Teapot .... maybe you'd be happy just with occasional teabags? You know, the type that you can use once or twice then throw away? ;-) ;-)

No prize please ... just happy to hear from you :-)


The Singlutionary said...

ikkinlala: You are so welcome and you are entered!

Jenn: Thanks Jen. I think it is important to smooth out any foul thinking in regards to why you want to be single or want to be coupled. I've wanted to be coupled for the wrong reasons and I've wanted to be single for the wrong reasons. Sometimes it is hard to figure out what being "true to yourself" really means. There are lots of distractions out there.

Simone: You are so welcome! Yes! We can be both happily single and happily open. Its OK to be both! Finally! YAY!

Megs: I love tea too. And I love how you are looking for someone who "compliments your life". That is the important part, I think. Otherwise, it isn't worth it and I would rather be single. Jenn, the second commenter posted Madonna's Express Yourself video on her blog. I love that. Its kinda the same concept. Go watch it and be joyful:)

Iol: If I could find a collection of Teapots, I would. But I don't have enough space in my life for so many. I have space for one Teapot. Well. Maybe it won't be a teapot but something else. It is like i have a big bookcase and it is all full except for one spot. Teapot might fit nicely in that spot or he might not. That remains to be seen.

Clever Elsie said...

This is it, Singlutionary! As usual, you've perfectly articulated what it means to be a singlutionary/onely/quirkyalone/single with singletude, etc.

It's not really about relationships, is it? It's about how we feel about ourselves, our own attitudes about who we are. If we're emotionally and mentally healthy and content with ourselves and our lives, we have no need to become matrimaniacs. The whole reason to become enmeshed with someone else dissolves. What remains is a natural human desire for closeness and contact, one that we can choose to fulfill in a romantic relationship if we want. Let's be honest--romantic relationships are different than friendships because of the romantic and sexual components, and that's okay. It's fine to want those things, too.

ITA here that our society limits how intimate we can become with people outside of sexual partnerships, and yeah, that kind of sucks. Maybe, as more of us remain single for longer, we will evolve away from those kinds of boundaries. But right now we have to work within them to some extent.

I'm happy that you may have found someone in the same way I was happy for you when you found happiness by yourself; I'm happy that you can be happy either way and feel good about yourself whichever choice you make.

The Singlutionary said...

Clever Elsie: Yes, romantic relationships are different. It is hard for me to say that because I don't way to also say that they are inherently BETTER or more necessary (although I suppose that for survival as a species, sexual relationships are necessary although I'm not sure how interested I am in that aspect of human survival).

This budding relationship with Teapot is interesting to me because I am NOT losing myself in it nor am I feeling that I must inherently sacrifice some essential part of myself to be involved with him. Time will tell, of course.

But it is interesting to open up my mind to the idea that being in a relationship could be a further extention of my singluionaryness (instead of a regression).

Akirah said...

Well I guess we'll just hafta see about this Teapot guy. But either way, I love how confident you are. It's refreshing.

Susan Walsh said...

I always appreciate your honesty. It's wonderful how you can be open about wanting a relationship, but still identifying with the Singlution even if you enter one. Can I be honest for a moment? 18 years of abstinence? Talk about a red flag. I understand why Abstinent Admirer was refreshing. I just wish he'd had something to give. I hope you find a really good man, whether Teapot or some other kind of pot.

The Singlutionary said...

Akirah: Thank you. It is also refreshing to me to be confident because I used to be a puddle of misery and desperation. And I too am waiting to see if Teapot is my kind of pot.

Susan: Yes. Abstinent Admirer was either crazy or he was perfect. Turns out he was crazy. But I did learn a lot about emotional intimacy from him. I learned that I can get hurt without having sex too. So far Teapot has no red flags. Except that he might just not be that into me cause he doesn't call me all that often.

onely said...

I think that I have lost more *male* friends to their sig others than I have lost female friends. Or at least, the cynic in me noticed that when my male friends pair up, they lose interest in female friends.

In a way, you could become Couplutionary because you'd be redefining the conventional notion of what coupling means and why people become coupled.

Great post.


PS. Also, thanks for mentioning my post! = )

The Singlutionary said...

CC: I enjoy mentioning your blog! I wish I could read and comment more over at Onely but time seems to keep getting away from me lately. You have great things to say.

Coupleutionary. I like that. I think that Singlutionary and Couplutionary are inherently the same thing. Its about living your best life no matter what your circumstances may be.

One of our excellent fellow single bloggers posted recently about men and women being friends. I think it was Single Shot Seattle. Ah here it is:


I have had only one experience where I lost a close male friend because he got married. But I have lost many potential male friends either because of romantic complications or non- couplutionary behavior (either his girlfriend/wife didn't like me being around or he felt that he needed to not be friends with a woman to prove his love for another female). And for some reason I don't seem to be blessed with a plethora of gay male friends.

So anyways. I need some male presence in my life so I might as well go for the long term kind and get some free sex along the way (eventually once I decide to start putting out again-- whenever that might be).

Stevi said...

Giveaway!! How fun! Also I added your button!

I hope I win... (I'll win right? wink wink)

kelleidoscope said...

I'd like to be entered :)

I like the post a lot. I was always fine with being single, and never actively searched for a guy. I figured he could find me, and honestly, one day.. he did. When I least expected it. I don't find single life and partnered life to be too different. I still need my... me time. Being long distance is perfect for me(For now!) because I can have time to myself.

The Singlutionary said...

Stevi: Thank you for adding my button

Kelleidoscope: Yes! I love having time to myself! I am so happy that you have found a way to be you and be with someone too!