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Saturday, October 3, 2009


I have a new admirer at work. He is some kind of nerd engineer just like most of my admirers through out my life. I don't know what it is about me that attracts nerd engineers. Anyways. My new admirer is funny, appropriate and has a face that kinda looks like a teapot. He is also just one year older than me but actually seems like a grown up.

Although I appreciate my new admirer, I also suspect that he is the kind of person who wants to have kids. Most people want to have kids especially nice stable 30 year old engineering teapots. And most people look at me and think that I am a nice stable almost 30 year old future baby maker.

Despite common perception, it is not a high priority for me in life to have kids. On the other hand, I can not say that I am 100% sure that I will not have kids either. If I were stronger in my no-kid convictions I would have had my tubes fried when I was 21. But my convictions only go this far: I do not want to have kids anytime soon and I most likely do not want to give birth. I would rather adopt. 

Of course there are a couple problems with my convictions:

1. If I don't want to have kids anytime soon (not anytime in the next 5-10 years) but I am rapidly approaching 30, my uterus might be retired by the time I get the desire to reproduce.

2. Even if I do not reproduce via my uterus and instead opt to adopt someone else's reproduction, I will still be an older parent. My parents were older parents and I have always wished that, if I were to be a parent, I be a bit younger than my parents were.

3. It is considered normal to want to have kids. Having kids is typically seen as the main reason for being married or being on planet earth. Most people have a strong inherent desire to reproduce. I am comfortable with my own lack of desire. I don't think there is anything wrong with me. But it does limit the pool of potential partners.

Why does Teapot's mere admiration bring all this up for me? I don't really know. I still haven't figured out what kind of relationship I want with a man, if any, much less if Teapot is really a qualified suitor. But I do feel attracted to him just as I still feel attracted to Abstinent Admirer. At this point in my life, I am attracted to people for qualities beyond sex. Teapot and Abstinent Admirer are fine male specimens but they are also interesting, caring and (dare I say) Singlutionary individuals. 

Maybe I am thinking about reproduction more today because I have been suffering from menstral cramps for about 12 hours now. They kept me up last night and since I have recently developed an allergy to Advil, I am babying my baby maker with a heating pad and hippie remedy tea (the tea actually seems to be working). 

I always get confused as to whether it is my uterus or my ovaries which are cramping. So I googled. And according to the Mayo Clinic, cramps are supposed to "lessen with age and often disappear once a woman has given birth". If that were true I would have gone ahead and had a baby at 25 and lived cramp free for the rest of my life! Are my cramps simply a monthly reminder that I have not yet reproduced? I think the Mayo Clinic is nuts because I know plenty of women who have given birth and still double up with cramps every month. Maybe they just didn't have ENOUGH babies? 

I don't know the answer to any of those nasty questions. Nor do I know what I think I might want from Teapot or from any potential mate. But I do now know, thanks to Abstinent Admirer, that I do want more than sex and less than children. I guess just a nice, comfortable, mutually supportive, long-term intimate relationship with someone worthy of welcome into my already vibrant life would be ideal. 

In closing, I would like to point out that the female reproductive system looks a lot like a longhorn:

For some strange reason this made me feel more Texan just for having lady parts. But then google also revealed to me that I am not the first person to have this revelation:



Stevi said...

haha Its so ironic that you said that about a longhorn because just last night my friend pointed out that the Dodge logo looks like a female reproductive system as well, I will never look at it the same.

thelady said...

I never noticed the longhorn thing but it is so obvious now. I do want kids (1 or 2) but my problem is that I'm not religious and most of the guys are meet are so they are unwilling to have a serious relationship with me. I don't expect a guy to be an atheist, I just need one liberal enough to not try to convert me.

Susan Walsh said...

When I went to business school at 25, I was absolutely certain I didn't want children. I wasn't even sure I ever wanted to marry. Well, that didn't last. I fell for a guy who told me on our third date that he hoped one day he would have a daughter named Claire. And he does, and she's 20 now and I wouldn't have done it any other way.

This isn't to say you shouldn't have kids. It's just that I found that my whole perspective changed once I loved someone that felt differently.

The Singlutionary said...

Stevi: haha! Actually, I think that the dodge ram symbol is closer than the longhorn one because the ovaries aren't exactly longhorns but more curled under.

theLady: I totally get you. I meet a lot of athiests and I am a person of faith (although not religious). I don't care of he is religious but I need someone who is willing to go along with my crazy ideas about THE UNIVERSE and all that. I believe in things which can't be explained by science. Lots of scientific types just can't understand that. On the same token, I can't be converted. I lived in Utah, have a giant mormon un-family and practice many mormony things. But I am still not a mormon. It just not possible.

I guess what it comes down to is values and goals. Add chemistry to that mix and it seems almost impossible to find someone who fits the ticket. Which is why I gave up looking and just started living. But I still have hope.

Susan: Hey! I've been thinking about you lately. I've been meaning to catch up on Hooking Up Smart. I missed a lot. I think there are a lot of people who, in their youth say they don't want kids and then change their mind. But I think I might be the opposite. I am not saying that I might not change my mind but that any hidden desire or intense biological maternal longings have faded. I very much loved my last (crazy) boyfriend and he very much wanted children and nothing changed in me. That was the big deal thing that split us up (thank god because he was a nut job). I also used to be really engaged with babies and loved being around children. Not so much anymore. I've kinda worked in the opposite way. Now that my sister is grown up, I feel like an empty nester and I am enjoying that. I don't want to dive back into being responsible for another human being anytime soon.

If only I did things in the correct order I would be finished with being selfish and young by now and ready to give my life to being a parent.

But instead I just want to live just for me.

Nice engineers are ready to settle down. I'm ready to settle up.

hebba said...

AH, so glad somebody else out there has a thing for nerds. I don't actively search them out, but somehow, I've dated a physicist, two computer programers, a biochemist, and a nuclear engineer. Still not married, though. And I wouldn't have been opposed to having kids with the biochemist or one of the programmers, it's not huge on my life list.

The Peach Tart said...

I'm also a nerd magnet. Mr. Peach Tart is a computer geek and I am so not a nerd. It's worked out great.

thelady said...

I've noticed that most of the women who do not want children helped raise their younger siblings. Especially when the sibling was 10 or more years younger. This makes sense to me, if I'd already had the experience of changing diapers I probably wouldn't want to go through it again.

onely said...

Just make sure you don't meet a great guy and then sort of convince yourself that even though you've always thought you didn't want kids (or to birth your own), you might want kids with *this* man. No! No! If you don't want kids, it doesn't matter how special your partner is.

This almost happened to me. I shudder.


Special K said...

How in the world do you get all these admirers?

Donetta said...

Oh a good laugh

Your heart is your heart it is the desire of your heart to follow when your hands are clean and the priceless peace that follows...that is joy.
Teapot (funny) well who knows maybe he is happily kid free too. Conversation is a real equalizer.
Sorry I missed you over at the Bee Bliss.

I'll tell ya I am an older mom and it is real hard at time. Sure makes you mature if you care to do so. So many a Parent is not so or at least seemingly refuses to do so.
I love that I adopted.

Say I had indometriosis...for years very very painful cycle...you may want to speak with some one about it. If so you can get help.

Akirah said...

Hhahah! Go Longhorns! I think that it's good to think about the kid stuff up front. But I think it's also good to recognize that if you love someone, you may become more flexible with things you thought you didn't want. Or you might discover things you never knew you wanted. It's weird how love works sometimes.

The Singlutionary said...

Once again I am blown away by the awesomeness of the comments here!

Hebba: I am so NOT nerdy but I have an appreciation for nerdyness which I thin nerds appreciate. I don't know. I am some kind of magical nerd magnet because I don't even have to try and POOF they appear! Yes, having kids "isn't high on my list" and I kind think it should be if you're gonna do it. I am allowing myself space to change my mind but at this juncture I am doubtful that I will. Not that I don't think it would be a wonderful experience, I just don't desire it.

Peach Tart: ME TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NOT A NERD but a nerd lover. Nerds are generally good in bed which was why I was willing to take a gamble on Abstinent Admirer.

The Lady: THANK YOU for that perceptive comment. I didn't change any daughters and my sister isn't my biological sister but I did commit my life for caring for a young teenager who didn't really have anyone else looking after her. Whenever I made a decision I considered how it would impact her and many times I did things differently out of consideration for her. I was very young when I started caring for people. I did change my grandmother's diapers starting at age 16. I believe in caring for people who need it which is why I feel that I may adopt but I'm also excited to NOT be caring for anyone right now. It is a relief and in many ways I feel this youthful sense of freedom when I get to do whatever I want whenever I want. It is kinda a new thing to me still.

Christina: YES. That is how I feel. I really don't think I will change my mind. And if I change my mind it won't be because that is what a man wants, it will be because I have some growing desire to become a parent. I guess this isn't really a change of mind we're talking about but a change of heart. I don't have it in my heart right now to raise a kid. I just don't. My ex didn't get me to change my mind. He kept telling me it would be easy to have the kid, etc. That it wouldn't be hard. I asked him if he had ever changed a diaper or babysat a kid overnight. He hadn't. Babies are not a walk in the park.

Special K: Hahhahhhahhhhahhhaa. Its my job. When you work at a giant apartment complex you meet lots of single men. I feel like a beauty queen, just sitting up on the stage, being admired.

Donetta: Thank you. I am following my heart right now. Maybe it will lead me in other directions. I don't know. And yes, maybe Teapot doesn't want kids but most men do, I think. I did not know that you adpoted. I think that is a wonderful wonderful choice. My parents were older and I wish that they had been younger so that I have more time with them on earth. I am sure they wish they had more energy too when I was little. But my parents have limitless energy in a way and I've kept them young by forcing them to keep up with me. I will look into indometriosis. Mine are not always painful but every 6 months or so I get a really bad one. Thank you for that wisdom!

Akirah: Hook 'em! I hear what you are saying but I just don't think love works on me that way. I mean, I can get real interested in football or even seafood or monster trucks because someone else is interested in it but that is not something that requires the same kind of commitment and energy as parenting. I am open to becoming a parent because I find myself wanting to become a parent but I just don't see that happening for a good long time. I just don't.

Purple Turtle said...

Singlutionary--you always amaze me with your combination of insightfulness and hilariousness. I will never look at a longhorn the same way--now it will be my secret reminder of female power!

Chelsea said...

Haha, I love how you can take a somewhat serious topic and be humorous about it. I don't have much to add except that I'm married to a major nerd, although I don't think I'm particularly nerdy, and also I think they "tie" your tubes not "fry" them- although frying them would certainly be effective!

The Singlutionary said...

Purple Turtle: Next time you say "hook 'em" I know you're going to be imagining your ovaries charging across the field.

Chelsea: Yes, typically people get their tubes tied. However, there is a procedure where you can get your tubes fried with a laser or something. It isn't widely know about but I know a woman who had it done at the age of 24 because she was morally opposed to procreating. Usually they won't LET you fry your tubes that young but is a pretty powerful person. Anyways, it is far safer and less invasive than the tying procedure for women. I don't think that men can get their tubes fried but who knows.

Clever Elsie said...

Haha, I too am queen of the nerds! I think I just like and get along with intellectual yet laid-back guys, and that describes many nerdy types to a tee.

I feel the same way about children as you do. I don't have a strong desire to have kids, but I wouldn't rule it out, mostly because I don't like ruling anything out of my life. But I do know that one day my body will rule it out for me, and while that doesn't mean I hear a ticking clock, I know I should be hearing one, if that makes sense. Sometimes it makes me a little anxious because I don't want to end up feeling like I missed out on something even if it's something I can't imagine wanting right now. Know what I mean?

Mothers I know says it's a big myth that cramps improve after giving birth. For one in particular, they got worse with each baby! :O I couldn't live without Aleve or Advil, but if you have a problem with NSAIDS, Tylenol is a reasonable second choice. :)

The longhorn, ha! I'm never going to visit a steakhouse without having dirty thoughts now! :)

The Singlutionary said...

Elsie: I've transfered to tylenol and it is working for me. And yes, I love the way you put all that: That you don't want to rule out having kids but you know that one day your body will rule it out for you. I think I will have a good life without having kids biologically and I feel that adoption is always a great choice. I suspect that I will adopt one day which makes me less concerned about my aging ovaries.