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Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The End of Abstinent Admirer

I used to have a beaux named Abstinent Admirer. He would come into the office where I worked and shower me with admiration. But not in a creepy way. And I loved it. He was smart and funny and knew about cars and I sang his praises all over this blog.

I thought he was an OK guy and when he announced to me on a walk that he was abstinent (for the past 18 years no less) I took it as a sign that I could trust him. After all, all of my relationships have been short lived and most of them were only about sex. This was a new kind of experience.

I decided to give Abstinent Admirer a chance. 

But Abstinent Admirer wasn't only sexually abstinent. He was also emotionally abstinent. He couldn't seem to get past meeting me in the office. He took me to a football game once but seemed scared to sit next to me. At the end of the night he ran off to his sister's house and I felt completely rejected. I thought maybe we would hang out and talk for a while maybe hold hands or at least sit next to each other.

Before I was fired last week, Abstinent Admirer had faded from potential boyfriend to friend to acquaintance to nothing. I am sure he went by on Monday to pay his rent and I am sure he was told that I no longer work there. And I am sure that some part of him was relieved. 

But in the absence of Abstinent Admirer, I am still, well, abstinent.

But why and for how long? Am I waiting for marriage like Abstinent Admirer was? That is a hard thing to do when one isn't really too keen on getting married. What am I waiting for then?

There are a couple guys--like Skinny Waiter who (I think) I made out with on the night I lost my purse/shoes/dignity and Anal Sex Australian and Angsty Indie Film/Large Cucumber Guy who would happily take a dip in my enchanted pool but the thought of having sex with any of them totally disgusts me. It is a path that I have been down before many times: Having sex with men who just want sex from me as if is some kind of final prize on which they pretend to hang their happiness.

I want to have sex in a relationship where there is love and trust. I know that sounds kinda old fashioned for a Singlutionary but why the heck not? At the same time sex within a loving respectful relationship seems as far away as peace on earth or a steady paycheck.

I had a date with Teapot on Sunday. I don't want to write too much about it at this juncture (since this is not a dating blog) but it did make me wonder: When is it appropriate for ME to have sex again? What do I want to do/feel/see/understand/believe before I have sex. How do I want that all to play out?

So far my abstinence has been about not getting hurt (although I was hurt anyways by Abstinent Admirer) and not repeating the same experience I've repeated too many times before. But what happens after that? How do I get to the point where I'm having a new kind of experience and what do I want this new experience to be like?

I haven't quite figured all of that out yet. But it is interesting to think about. I've never thought about this before. I've said things like: "I don't want to have sex until the 3rd date or until we've been together 3 months" but I've never thought about how I wanted to FEEL before having sex. 

So I guess at this juncture in my life I am opening up to being in a relationship. But that is another post altogether. 


8 comments:

kelleidoscope said...

Sorry to hear about the Admirer.. guys say women are hard to read?
It's respectful that you aren't throwing yourself and everything that comes along with you- to just any man. I can't say when your abstinence will end but you'll definitely know when the right time for it to end comes.

Anonymous said...

I don't know, I try not to think too much about sex, outside of safety issues, which I consider a lot. I've sort of become "easier" recently, not worrying if having sex too soon will eliminate the "challenge" for the guy or if waiting for a while will make me seem like a prude who only wants the dreaded "relationship" and is using sex to get it. Now I think, if I am attracted to this person, and all seems safe, I am going to have with them. Why not? Life is short and sex is enjoyable. I might as well experience it when I get the (rare) opportunity. That being said, I've been somewhat horrified recently about the IMs I've been getting on my dating site from guys who are just like, "hey so are you into the casual/fun thing? Want to meet up tonight?" Yeah...I didn't quite think that "casual and fun" equals irresponsible, stupid, and well, finding any warm body to have sex with. You can plan for "casual and fun" just like you can't plan for "serious and boring."

Special K said...

I love your honesty with yourself, with us...because boy, this isn't a solo experience. A lot of us awesome single well rounded women (and maybe men? I don't know) are intentional about sex. I know I am. I don't think I can have a fling right now in my life. But intimacy....wow, that's something I am craving.

The Singlutionary said...

Kalleidoscope: This man was very hard to read! So many mixed signals that I had to get off the train. You are right. I will know when it is time to end my abstinence. I will just know it. Thanks!

Anonymous: I am glad you are enjoying a more relaxed yet still safe sexual standard for yourself. But those creepy IMs are creepy. Although for someone else they might be hot. I don't know because at this point in my life relationship sex seems most hot. I never thought I'd be here but here I am.

Special K: I also crave intimacy more than sex. I wish that our culture wasn't set up in a way where intimacy is mostly available through sex and through the romantic relationship. I think there are so many missed opportunities in our daily lives to share intimacy but our culture isn't set up to accept or allow it.

Sixty and Single in Seattle said...

I've been thinking too lately about having sex; I can barely remember it! And I was thinking, OK, maybe don't be so picky. But then I realized that any old sex is just not going to do it for me; sex with love is a different beast entirely.
Mary Pipher in Reviving Ophelia says something like, Before you have sex, you need to be comfortable having a conversation with the guy about what it means to you, and to him.
She was writing for teenagers, but it's true at every age. Even sixty!

The Singlutionary said...

Hi Mary: I agree. At this juncture in my life intimacy and (dare I say it) love is more important to me than just getting it on. I think that I used to just love people. I would just open up and love them and sleep with them and then I was done. I didn't require commitment or conversation because I was young and had lots of energy and space and time. But now I am more picky about who I share my energy and my vagina with. I am really looking forward to having a great experience but I want the sex to only be a part of that experience and not the experience itself.

Clever Elsie said...

I respect your decision very much because it comes from a place of self-awareness. Also, it takes an admirable degree of self-control to delay gratification of one desire because you know it depends on the fulfillment of something even more important to you. We should all exercise such good judgment!

As for the notion that saving sex for a loving relationship is "old-fashioned," all I know is that just because an idea has been around for awhile, that doesn't mean it's wrong. (And, conversely, not all new ideas are right or advisable for everyone.) It's such a good thing that you know what you want and can prioritize your needs to get it. I hope you'll never feel that you have to apologize to yourself or anyone else for conducting your relationships in the way that gives you the most joy, satisfaction, and peace of mind.

The Singlutionary said...

Clever Elsie: I am really looking forward to the delayed gratification part . . . if it ever gets that far. The end goal is more important to me than getting some right now and that does make it easier. I am clear about my desires.

Thank you for the boost of confidence! I AM living according to my desires. I just desire to wait more than I desire to have sex. New concept for me.