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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Makeout Lessons

I've threatened to give out makeout prizes before but I guess the other night I actually went and did it

The whole situation caught me off guard. And then it took me a couple days to get my singlution back. This post is about what I learned from the feelings/confusion/frustration that followed this unexpected makeout session. 

1. I am a different person since becoming the Singlutionary and while I may be an expert at being single I am not an expert at romance or hooking up (in any way shape or form). These things are shaky ground for me and I need to not be overly confident or feel infallible in these areas (yet).

2. Making out can feel just as confusing afterwards as actually having sex. I never thought this was possible. After swearing off sex (This calls for another post entirely which I have been incredibly reluctant to write about. It is interesting how controversial choosing to NOT have sex is.), making out feels much more intimate. I wasn't prepared for this. 

3. I am not invincible. One reason I was so freaked out after the makeout was because I felt myself snowballing towards an inevitable week of pitiful pining, wah-wah-waiting and desperate attempts at dating. I felt my Singlutionary confidence slipping away. Sometimes life shakes us up. I felt incredibly vulnerable and defenseless because I was so unprepared to be attracted to someone again.

4. I do not want a relationship of any kind right now. For me, this also means not making out or hooking up with people. Some people have asked me about how to deal with the lack of sex and affection as a single person. Until lately this hasn't been an issue for me although it is something very worth of addressing. However, for me personally, random makeouts (or hookups) isn't the answer. 

5. I forgot that I am a young attractive charismatic woman. I've been so busy writing and working and trying to figure out myself and grow into a positive, fulfilling relationship with ME that I forgot all about how other people perceive me. And I was kinda thrown off kilter by someone else being interested in me again. Which leads me to:

6. It is time for me to start engaging with the world again so that I can practice interacting with people in a way that is respectful and healthy for both me and for the individuals that I come in contact with. Most of my interactions with people these days are with a few childhood friends, my bosslady, my roommates and with people I work on projects with. I have few face-to-face peer relationships which are purely social. I am quite comfortable in a work/project/task-oriented environment but feel off kilter in social environments. So now that I am no longer a work-a-holic, its time for me to re-learn and dust off my social skills. 


(no)sexandthecity said...

Numbers and lists and ORDER for the randomness of life and all the things it throws at us...just chuckling cuz I am of the personality that wants to control the uncontrollable, too. Well, except I gave up on that...

#2...yeah, why are people always in disbelief if you don't run around doing it all the time???

#3 - i echo that, except i'm confused...it's not that i don't WANT a relationship, i just don't want a DEFINED relationship or know how to deal with it all right now. it all just sucks, cuz wants & needs tend to stay the same, despite whether or not one is in a position to be a good relationship partner. i have no idea what the answer is. well i used to think i did, but life never goes as planned.

Anonymous said...

Well, since committing to being single in the last year or so, I have had a few moments of hooking up/making out (etc.) and have definitely gone through all the relevant emotions one would expect to have associated with those moments -- but I've got to say, the best part (the part that made me happy about my Onely/singultionary mindset) is that I was much stronger/more decisive when I tired of the situation, and ending it was EASY.

Keep your eye on the "prize" -- if you want to call it that :)

Good luck! -- Lisa at Onely (http://onely.org)

The Singlutionary said...

Thanks (no)sex and Lisa from Onely!

Lisa at Onely: it HAS been easier to walk away from this than it was in the past. I felt some angst mainly out of fear of what my reaction would be but it turns out that I was just freaking out ABOUT freaking out.

(no)sexandthecity: I am going to write about what I think you are saying about #3 in a second here.