One of them, The Landlord, was not only very kind, attractive and functional but he also WANTED to be a provider. That was a new concept to me at the time and I wasn't sure I liked it. I didn't know WHY I didn't like it or that it made me feel uncomfortable. I am sure he would have had no problems with his girlfriend or wife working but he wanted to be sure that she wouldn't need to.
I, of course, wanted to work so for me this wasn't some great boon. It made him a good person, yes, but it didn't hold a whole lot of value to me because I didn't want to be provided for.
This quickly became a moot point when I moved 2,000 miles away and refused to move back. He had a home and a business and roots back where I came from and wasn't interested in following me.
We kept in touch for a while and at some point I asked him what he wanted in a partner mainly because I was confused as to why he was ever interested in me in the first place (I couldn't imagine why a quality guy would actually be interested in me).
His response made me gag a little. "A beautiful sidekick" he said.
And he meant it. He meant it in the best of ways. He wanted to continue to live his life and he wanted a woman who wanted to live his life with him. He would love her and think she was beautiful (even if she was just average) and he would provide for her and show her a really good time. She would be blessed. She would be cherished. And she would NOT be me.
I've been observing other people's relationships for a heck of a long time now and it seems that, for the most part, many of the successful ones fall into this pattern:
One person is dominant (usually the man) and that person is the one who follows their dream, makes the money and calls the shots. The other person (usually the woman but not always) is living their dream by contributing to the dream of the dominant person. Here is an example.
A husband is a real estate broker and runs the business. The wife used to stay at home to care for the children (her dream but also his) and is now the office manager for the real estate office.
A young man has a dream of opening a cutting edge restaurant. His girlfriend has extensive marketing experience and he convinces her to quit her real and do marketing for the restaurant.
The two above examples are totally awesome ways to live life. There is nothing wrong with them. Both people are using their skills towards a common dream.
The problem for me is that I do not want to be a beautiful sidekick. I have my own dream which I can not put aside for the dream of another person. Like it or not, I am an ambitious and capable woman. I have struggled with this part of myself for a long time because there is a part of me that wishes I could have been satisfied staying back in my hometown and marrying some boy-next-door and having dinner every Saturday at my parent's house.
Living a more conventional life just seems so much more simple. The truth is that I simply do not want that life. I thrive in the world that I live in which is one of change, exploration and constant challenge. I am an explorer, an entrepreneur and I am wildly ambitious. I want to be the star, not the assistant.
So. OK then. If I don't want to BE a sidekick, maybe I should HAVE one.
But I've also dated some very sweet guys who were not ambitious, were not adventurous, were not self-directed. They were pretty hot though, at least to me. They would qualify for the role of a "sexy sidekick" in my life right?
And they were hella boring. Sorry to put it that way but I do not think there is any nicer way to say it. Maybe they weren't boring but I was bored by them none-the-less. I didn't want to spend all my time with someone who just did whatever I did or whatever I wanted to do. I didn't want to be in charge of everything and calling all the shots. I don't want to be a provider for someone else no matter how attractive they are.
So, when it comes down to it, I'd prefer a peer. The whole sidekick setup doesn't work for me. I'm not dissing it but I am rejecting it for myself. There are lots of A types out there who need a sidekick and there are lots of people out there who would LOVE to be provided for.
I am not one of them.
Does this doom me to being single forever? No. It merely reduces the pool of potential mates. This does not bother me anymore. I am not worried that I have set my standards too high and must now suffer alone for eternity.
Heck no! First of all, I am not SUFFERING alone. Second of all, I have developed a deep faith that the right person is going to be so badassly perfect that he will be thrown into my path when I least expect it.
If two people are going to share a very specific ambition (outside of raising a family) in which they both contribute equally as creators, instigators and providers there is no way they CAN'T find each other.
And if my life is not going to be made so much more awesome by the random/unexpected arrival of Mr. Badassely Perfect, well, heck, I can just continue doing what I am doing surrounded by my (married and single) network of family, friends and community.
DC Comics has this thing called The Justice League. Its Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman and some of the other DC characters. They all come together to fight crime. They are all still superheros on equal footing.
That is the life I am looking for.
Maybe I should post that on craigslist: Wonder Woman seeks Superman. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh-ha. Hell NO. Because that my dear friends is desperate dating!