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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Before I Singlutionized

Lately I've been reflecting on the past year of my life. At the same time I've been mulling over the words I most frequently hear from people who aren't "getting" the Singlution: "I want to have fun." 

A year ago I was one of those people who couldn't grasp the Singlution. I thought that "He's Just Not that Into You" (the book and the concept, not the movie) was hecka lame. I wanted to go out and pursue what I wanted. I made up lies that I told myself over and over again about the guys I was into and how they really liked me even though they didn't even hint at it. Now I am hearing the same words come out of other people's mouths and I am thinking: What the heck was wrong with my self esteem?

One year ago today I was deep deep in a crush on this guy who was completely wrong for me. The pickings in my circle were slim and he was single and he was fairly hot. And he flirted with me. He also lived with his parents and had almost been kicked out of the military. I'll admit that I like big tall buff guys and this guy was that "type". He had nice toned abs (although they were so hairy you had to feel 'em to believe 'em) and was tall and Texan and generally a kind guy. His Singlutionary name will be Hhabs (for hot hairy abs). Anyways, HHABS flirted with me when we saw each other but he never called me or asked me out. I decided this was just because he was insecure and didn't know how hot he was and because he lived with his parents. I excused the fact that he lived with his parents on the nobility of his leaving the military for personal reasons (I didn't know then that he was almost kicked out). The highlight of our non-existent relationship is when we sat next to each other and he let our thighs touch for about a hour and a half. 

Wow! I pined away for this guy? I spent nights dreaming of him and of how one day he would buck up and ride into my life on his longhorn, saving me from the strain and stress that was my daily life? I desperately (tried to) dated him by asking him to do things (which he always declined) and I figured out ways for him to give me a ride or for us to interact outside of our social circle. I wah-wah-waited for him to save me from myself!

I've never thought of myself as someone with low self-esteem and neither have the people around me. I've often been told that I don't seem to care what anyone thinks. People admire me for my independence, my bravery, my outspokenness, my confidence. Ahhhhh. Who said that our greatest strengths are also our greatest weakness?

Although I didn't seem to lack confidence, I seemed to lack some essential appreciation of my excellent life. I had no idea that I should simply sit back and admire not Hhabs's abs but my own wonderful house, my own creative creations, the communities I'd built and helped to build in my own city, etc. 

I might not have lacked confidence but I felt that something was lacking. I felt that I needed someone (anyone) to complete me. The life I had built for myself was not complete without *someone* to share it with. What I didn't realize was, at the same time, there were so many people in my life already that I was drowning in the sharing! 

A year ago today I was not the Singlutionary. I had no idea how to live a Singlutionized life or even where to begin. And I wish I could tell you exactly (simple step by simple step) how I got to here from there but I can't. It was a fairly brutal journey with a lot of hurt, loneliness and eventually, transformation. 

Yes, everyone should have fun! But there is NOTHING fun about pining away for the wrong person or in over-thinking a makeout session gone wrong. I have lots of fun living my life free from these shackles! There is nothing un-fun about the Singlution! I do what I want when I want and I am open to romantic relationships in my life. I'm just not dying for them. 

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