"I'm Glad You're Dating" : BARF. VOMIT. GTH!!

GTH stands for: Go to hell (or heck, if you're one of my more polite/LDS readers)!

I think I've mentioned (complained about) this before but most of my offline-life single friends do not read this blog and if they do, they hate it. They tell me that they can't follow the Singlution because they "want to have fun" or they act like maybe I am a bit too picky and am missing golden opportunities left and right and they kinda feel sorry for me for not "living" more.

(To which my reply is: If sitting around waiting for a immature idiot to call is more fun, great, more power to you. And if I am missing out on all important life experiences by being selective, oh well; I am not missing out on cherishing myself and the folks already in my life nor am I distracted or distraught by unnecessary drama-- been there, done that.)

Last night I returned a friend's call on the way home from the most awesomely hot kiss I have ever gotten from a man (or any person!). This kiss was so tremendous (I thought we were making-out cause it went on for a while but I've since been informed by Bosslady, that making-out necessitates some kind of sexual groping which did not occur) that when it was over I almost passed out right there on the pedestrian bridge. I have not been this turned on by a kiss ever before in my life. And I don't think I have kissed anyone ever before in my life without following it up with humping/dry humping/serious groping/other kind of sexual behavior. 

I was so shaken and shocked and aroused by this kiss that I couldn't even speak afterwards for like five minutes. I tried to act normal and keep my self together but my body was in the throes of some kind of kiss-orgasm.

Anyways, on the way home, I gave my friend a call back and left a voicemail for her telling her what had happened.

She called back to get the details and then she had to get off the phone and I had to go to bed. At the end of the conversation she said "I'm glad you're dating". And something in the way she said it made me want to barf. *I know of course that she had no intention of offending me and doesn't really deserve to be lambasted in my blog but here goes anyways:*

First of all, I am NOT glad that I am dating. I AM glad that I am meeting wonderful men who redeem their gender in my eyes and spirit and soul. I am glad that I got to enjoy this fantastic grope-free kiss on the pedestrian bridge in the moonlight. I am glad that I am making a new friend and having fun and being taken out to dinner and to movies and for drinks (I know, I get a little creeped out by the sexism inherent in dating too but I've decided not take on tradition all on my own at this juncture). I am enjoying practicing non-desperate dating and breaking out my Singlutionary-tude so that I can date with grace and confidence. But I am not glad about dating itself. Dating is a tiring and annoying and very old fashioned and sometimes creepy thing. Is anyone glad to be dating? It seems to me that if you're glad for someone that they are dating what you are really saying is: "I am glad you are at least TRYING to find a romantic partner because you can never truly be happy on your own."

I suppose that if the context were different and I had been single for a long time (like years) after a bad breakup and it was really brave of me to go back out there and try and meet people, the words "I'm glad your dating again" might be encouraging. 

But in this context I just found it annoying.

And, second of all, I never thought of this as dating really. Yes, I go on dates. But to me, this started out as an experiment and it has turned into a good one. I'm pushing back on the world, exploring the world and I am learning what I want. 

I think what it comes down to is my intention. When I set out on this journey my attitude was this: I currently have a very negative perception of men and I would like to change that by meeting men who are good people and responsible human beings. If, through this process I find myself growing and learning so much from one individual that he ends up being a part of my life, that is cool, but it is not necessary.

But the tone with which my friend said "I'm glad you're dating" made me think of dating from a whole other perspective, the one where a sad desperate person is on an endless interview process for a long-term partner: I need to find a romantic partner; I am horny; I am lonely; I can't fix my car cause I'm a girl; I am scared to live on my own; I am not competent enough to manage my own life; I must be emotionally dependent on another person to feel complete and validated. 

Ugh. I am none of these things nor would I encourage anyone to date for any of these reasons.

So her comment irked me. I think I've decided to quit talking to her about being single or dating or dramatic kiss-fests all together. This isn't the first time something she has said has grated on me in this way. 

On the other hand, I recently told my mom about my match.com dates and she was very receptive. As a rule, I have NEVER shared anything about my romantic life with my mom. This wall started to crumble this summer when I found myself depending on her support and perspective during my Jason-the-Bachelor-esque breakup.

Hot Dates and Cool Friends

On Friday I was my bosslady's hot date to the salon and then to a movie. I know that not everybody has a super cool bosslady like me. However, you can always find yourself a good date if you look into your friend-pool.

In our culture, we view romantic relationships as primary and non-romantic relationships (friendships) as secondary. This can be really destructive thinking because all good relationships bring us joy, comfort and a sense of community and support (among other things) and we all need relationships of all kind in this life. Just because you aren't physically intimate with your family or you aren't blood related to your friends doesn't mean that they aren't there for you and that you aren't there for them! Loving, supportive relationships of all kinds can be found anywhere!

So if you're having a rough patch go on a date with a friend. It doesn't matter if you're married or you're single! Make it the date of your dreams. And don't call it "girl time" if that makes you feel like a looser (why should it?) or if that makes it feel less important than a "real" date. Call it a hot date. Most likely you love and adore your friends so yeah, they're hot. 

Or if you have a friend who you want to show some love to, take him/her on a date and totally pull out all the stops. It doesn't have to be expensive to make your hot date feel like royalty.

And the best part of it is that you KNOW you'll have a good time. I mean, you could be going on a date with the guy from the bar who might turn out to be a total douche bag and talk about himself ALL freaking night until you realize you would have paid NOT to have ever met this guy and you want to ask for your three hours back. 

Friends. Lets be important to each other. Hot dates and Cool friends!

Solidly Single 1

Although I have been single for almost my entire adult life, I have only been comfortable with my singleness for a few months (and quazi comfortable with it for about a year before that). The other 10 plus years of my post-adolescent/adult life were pretty torturous and painful. 

Most single women I know are pining away for something or someone. I am not sure that I personally know another woman or man as comfortable with being single as myself. This is kinda the thing that makes me THE Singlutionary.

There were several components to my sudden revelation of my solidly-singlutionary-self. I realized small things as days went by until suddenly and all together these small revelations added up to an inspired, joyful, satisfied life.

Here is the first (in a blog-mini-series) of these little revelations:

1. You don't need a partner or a spouse or children to have a REAL life.

I don't know if I though my life was fake or not, but I certainly didn't think it was real. I felt like I was trying to "catch up" so that I could have an important and valid existence. A partner or spouse or a family can certainly add to your sense of validation but you'll be a stronger husband/wife/partner/parent if you know how to see the validity in yourself even without all these relationships reminding you of who you are. I was looking for validation and I just couldn't seem to find enough of it anywhere I went. So I had to really intentionally foster a relationship with myself where (come hell or high water) I would KNOW in the core of my being that I was worthy.

On the other side of this validation coin are singles who get a great deal of validation from work. I used to be one of these people too. Work was my whole world and it was my primary relationship. I am very good at committing to a project or a cause. Most of my social life revolved around work things and I loved it. Then I burned out, dropped out and my sense of self was pretty shaken up. In some ways it still is. 

Being human is pretty complicated because if you continue to grow and mature after say 19 or 20, you're gonna keep having these identity shake-ups. And for some people its really scary to have them alone.

However, I think that these kinds of deeply personal soul searchy times are inevitably solitary. You can be a polygamist with 75 children but if you are having some kind of identity shake-up, you're still going it alone. Nobody can see what you see or be where you've been when it comes to YOU. 

So if you're looking for someone to "get" you and make you feel whole, I am sorry to tell you this but it ain't gonna work. You might find someone who comfort/loves/inspires you and makes the path a little easier but in the end, the person who knows you best is always yourself.

This is the adventure I am on. I finally quit trying to find myself in my friends and in my boyfriends and started just looking at me in ME. Its scary and its intimidating but its a journey that can only reveal amazingness all around.

*** Sorry to be preachy tonight. I'll get my sense of humor back in a few days. I must have loaned it out cause I haven't been able to find it for a few days. The only thing I can laugh about is farting which makes me think that maybe I misplaced my sense-o-humor on craigslist.***