Blog Crawl Day 4&5!

I didn't post yesterday because I had a horrendous day which ended up with me wearing barfed-on clothes to bed and going home sick from work today. When I told my best friend the story she howled with laughter the whole time. Needless to say, I think I made out with my favorite skinny waiter before abandoning my purse under a bar table. I am mortified by my behavior and even more mortified by this hangover which won't quit. I barfed today. I never barf. It was my friend who barfed last night in Skinny Waiter's truck. This morning Skinny Waiter texted me to let me know that the barf smelled like new car smell. That was sweet. I think he likes me. 

I am a pretty straight laced person. I hate being drunk. I neglected my dog and my chickens and my blog.

So, to catch up on Single Women Rule's national singles week blog crawl:

Day 4: Keysha Whitaker of Single Women Rule guest posts on Simone Grant's Sex, Lies and Dating in the City. Keysha tells a little story and writes about men, women and "going out".

Day 5: Maryanne Comaroto gives dating advice on Dating Advice (Almost) Daily. 

And if you want to hear a hilarious yet totally dysfunctional couple of voicemails from the kind of man that ought to wear a rather large warning label, click here.

Sex(less) Singlution

The comments to my last post about the crush-I-wish-I-didn't have were fascinating. Some people said "Go do him!" and others said "Don't feel bad about physical attraction" and others said "yes, non-committed sex is hard for me also" and everyone pretty much said: "Do what is right for you, there is no shame in that!"

Last week, I already knew that my crush/admirer is not a man who has one night stands. I knew that if I were to sleep with him, it would be a big deal to him and it would be the beginning of a relationship. 

And while I didn't know if I wanted a relationship, I did know that I found him attractive and fascinating. 

And then today, he cleared everything up on another walk around the lake: He simply took sex off the table. 

This attractive, intelligent, perceptive person hasn't had sex in 18 years. 

I almost fell down. I almost fell down and died right there on the lake trail. My body would have been run over by a couple bikers and then stampeded by a booty bootcamp group from the YMCA and then scattered by a stroller brigade. 

There is nothing wrong with NOT having sex. I used to live in Utah and I see the value in chastity. There is nothing wrong WITH having sex either. I was raised near the epicenter of free love and I understand the value of sharing. I, personally, am not convinced that monogamy is right nor am I enamoured with polyamory either. I am sure that each person has to work this out within themselves and follow their own convictions and desires.

But to not have sex for the same amount of time in which a baby grows into an adult? I was stunned. I was overwhelmed. I mean, I'm just on sex hiatus. I'm just taking a short break until I figure it all out, until I meet someone worth humping.

So is he.

To be perfectly honest (and I kinda hate saying this because I hate to perpetuate certain stereotypes), most of the sexual relationships I've had have been hurtful. I always thought that my partner valued me for more than just a good roll in the hay. He didn't. I thought we were friends and that we were there for each other outside of the bedroom. We weren't and he wasn't. Before I was Singlutionary, I always thought that we were on some kind of road-to-forever which would save me from my sadder self.

I've never had a sex partner who really valued me for who I am, for all my qualities or even took the time to get to know me. They saw me as a thing, a toy, an accessory.

My admirer says getting to know a person is simple and clear when sex is removed from the picture. 

In a way, I think he is right. For me, his admiration has been healing because I always sensed that he was interested in ALL of me. He admires and values me not because he thinks I'm hot (although he does) but because of who I am and what I do with my life and where I am going and what I enjoy and value. He enjoys our small-but-growing friendship. And so do I.

And this all gives me space to continue to be Singlutionary, sex free. For now, at least.

And in the meantime, I can enjoy this friendship, enjoy being myself and enjoy being admired for myself, plain and simple. I like that. I'm not sure I'll like it in another 18 years, or even 18 months, but for now, its perfect.

Singlutionary sex is going to be different for everyone. It depends, in part, on where you've been, where you're going and who you are. I am not advocating for 18 years of abstinence but if 18 years of abstinence makes you a better Singlutionary, I'm all for it.

"I'm Glad You're Dating" : BARF. VOMIT. GTH!!

GTH stands for: Go to hell (or heck, if you're one of my more polite/LDS readers)!

I think I've mentioned (complained about) this before but most of my offline-life single friends do not read this blog and if they do, they hate it. They tell me that they can't follow the Singlution because they "want to have fun" or they act like maybe I am a bit too picky and am missing golden opportunities left and right and they kinda feel sorry for me for not "living" more.

(To which my reply is: If sitting around waiting for a immature idiot to call is more fun, great, more power to you. And if I am missing out on all important life experiences by being selective, oh well; I am not missing out on cherishing myself and the folks already in my life nor am I distracted or distraught by unnecessary drama-- been there, done that.)

Last night I returned a friend's call on the way home from the most awesomely hot kiss I have ever gotten from a man (or any person!). This kiss was so tremendous (I thought we were making-out cause it went on for a while but I've since been informed by Bosslady, that making-out necessitates some kind of sexual groping which did not occur) that when it was over I almost passed out right there on the pedestrian bridge. I have not been this turned on by a kiss ever before in my life. And I don't think I have kissed anyone ever before in my life without following it up with humping/dry humping/serious groping/other kind of sexual behavior. 

I was so shaken and shocked and aroused by this kiss that I couldn't even speak afterwards for like five minutes. I tried to act normal and keep my self together but my body was in the throes of some kind of kiss-orgasm.

Anyways, on the way home, I gave my friend a call back and left a voicemail for her telling her what had happened.

She called back to get the details and then she had to get off the phone and I had to go to bed. At the end of the conversation she said "I'm glad you're dating". And something in the way she said it made me want to barf. *I know of course that she had no intention of offending me and doesn't really deserve to be lambasted in my blog but here goes anyways:*

First of all, I am NOT glad that I am dating. I AM glad that I am meeting wonderful men who redeem their gender in my eyes and spirit and soul. I am glad that I got to enjoy this fantastic grope-free kiss on the pedestrian bridge in the moonlight. I am glad that I am making a new friend and having fun and being taken out to dinner and to movies and for drinks (I know, I get a little creeped out by the sexism inherent in dating too but I've decided not take on tradition all on my own at this juncture). I am enjoying practicing non-desperate dating and breaking out my Singlutionary-tude so that I can date with grace and confidence. But I am not glad about dating itself. Dating is a tiring and annoying and very old fashioned and sometimes creepy thing. Is anyone glad to be dating? It seems to me that if you're glad for someone that they are dating what you are really saying is: "I am glad you are at least TRYING to find a romantic partner because you can never truly be happy on your own."

I suppose that if the context were different and I had been single for a long time (like years) after a bad breakup and it was really brave of me to go back out there and try and meet people, the words "I'm glad your dating again" might be encouraging. 

But in this context I just found it annoying.

And, second of all, I never thought of this as dating really. Yes, I go on dates. But to me, this started out as an experiment and it has turned into a good one. I'm pushing back on the world, exploring the world and I am learning what I want. 

I think what it comes down to is my intention. When I set out on this journey my attitude was this: I currently have a very negative perception of men and I would like to change that by meeting men who are good people and responsible human beings. If, through this process I find myself growing and learning so much from one individual that he ends up being a part of my life, that is cool, but it is not necessary.

But the tone with which my friend said "I'm glad you're dating" made me think of dating from a whole other perspective, the one where a sad desperate person is on an endless interview process for a long-term partner: I need to find a romantic partner; I am horny; I am lonely; I can't fix my car cause I'm a girl; I am scared to live on my own; I am not competent enough to manage my own life; I must be emotionally dependent on another person to feel complete and validated. 

Ugh. I am none of these things nor would I encourage anyone to date for any of these reasons.

So her comment irked me. I think I've decided to quit talking to her about being single or dating or dramatic kiss-fests all together. This isn't the first time something she has said has grated on me in this way. 

On the other hand, I recently told my mom about my match.com dates and she was very receptive. As a rule, I have NEVER shared anything about my romantic life with my mom. This wall started to crumble this summer when I found myself depending on her support and perspective during my Jason-the-Bachelor-esque breakup.