Dear Singlutionary!

I know that I gush a lot about the fantastic sense of support and community that I get from the singles blogging community and from writing Singlutionary. Well, that sense expanded even more this week when I received emails seeking advice/support from two readers:

The first reader is from Australia and wrote that she is looking for an online community of single female friends through an email group. Of course an email group has no geographical boundaries but can offer a great deal of support and more intimate friendship to folks the world over. Friends are IMPORTANT to Singlutionaries so I am all for the idea of people starting email groups especially when not everyone lives in a wonderful vibrant city and might *need* to connect beyond their neighborhood to find some single kindred spirits. As I hear more details about this email group, I will be sure to blog about it.

The second reader found me by doing an internet search for Susan Boyle. How did THAT happen? I was going to post something about Susan Boyle but haven't yet. Anyways, this reader asked that I write about two things: newly coupled people ditching their single friends only to come crawling back after-the-fact and choosing singleness over ickypoo relationships. Here is what I have to say about each of those issues:

Newly Coupled People Ditching Their Single Friends

Ew. Gross. There is nothing more rude or heartbreaking than having a BFF one day and no BFF the next. This is really really hurtful and I know because I have been through it. Our friends are essential pillars in our support networks and are sometimes more capable of being "there" for us than family. Sometimes friends ARE family especially if family is absent or dysfunctional or can't relate to a certain aspect of your life. Unfortunately, I don't think that our culture reveres friendship very much. Friends are something for childhood before the "real" stuff like marriage and children comes into play. There is this perception that when we grow up we don't "need" our friends anymore. Unfortunately, this assumption lies on the premise that every one "grows up" when they get married and that everyone gets married at exactly the same time as all their other friends so that nobody is left out. And that is a faulty concept because married people still need friends, and good ones too!

So, why do people ditch their friends when they get into a relationship? Sigh. I think this is partly due to culture and this concept that romantic love "sweeps you off your feet". There are people who want to feel so wrapped up in their partner that they can not see or hear anyone else. Also, as a practical matter, people only have a certain number of social hours and when a new person comes on the scene, they have to balance out those hours with the time they usually spend with friends. Part of the Singlutionary mindset is to have a full satisfying life with our without a partner. If your life is full and satisfying and you're not wah-wah-waiting for Mr./Mrs. Right all day long, the chances that you're going to run off in the sunset (never to be seen again) with him/her are more slim. Still, while I hope to contribute to the singles movement where singledom and friendship are honored and revered just as much as romantic relationships, I can't just cast a magical Singlutionary spell on the world so that everyone behaves the way I want no matter how much I want to.

What I can do is offer up what I have learned from my own hard knocks with friends:

1. Seek out friends who are happy, satisfied singles (or coupled Singlutionaries). A big red flag for me when making a new friend is if she only wants to do men-seeking activities like go to bars to talk to meet guys, etc. Our interests must be beyond finding a man together. 

2. Learn to enjoy at least a little bit of solitude. I know that this is super hard for people with the opposite personality type of me. I love alone time but some people feel antsy and anxious when alone. Might I be a little cliche and suggest taking a yoga or meditation class? There, in the company of others, you'll clear out your mind and be alone in there and see that its not so scary after all. Its just . . . peaceful. If you learn how to be your own best friend, you'll realize that you're never totally alone.

3. Get good at making new friends because no matter how awesome your current friends are, there are times in life where they won't (for whatever valid reasons) be able to be there for you. They might be sick or overwhelmed or getting a divorce and simply unable to be a friend because they are struggling so hard just to keep their own life together. Its easy to feel angry and abandoned anytime someone you count on goes missing from your life but sometimes you just have to let them be. This is a great time to make new friends. Meetup.com is a great resource but if you don't live in a major city, try an online community for singles or take classes, join a group that interests you, hang out at the coffee shop or any place where people gather. Practice spotting people who look like they might have something in common with you. Finding new friends is like dating so try not to feel rejected when it doesn't work out at first. Most of the time, its just a timing thing: you need a new friend and the potential new friend is trying to juggle too many other commitments at the moment.

4. Explore your interests. I think a lot of people have things they really want to do (mine is: take a day trip out to that one little town and explore) but they are waiting to be in a relationship to do it. Do it yourself. If you can afford to, take surfing classes instead of waiting for a hunky surfer to walk into your life, take you in his/her strong arms and show you how its done. I know its scary to join up in things all on your own and ideally you'd have a friend to go with you but if you just buck up and do it anyways, chances are you'll meet a new friend doing the very thing you sat around for three months wishing you had a friend to it with. And even if you don't make a new friend, this is another opportunity to get to know yourself better!

The same reader also asked about accepting being single after a series of really bad relationships. This is what I have to offer up on THAT one:

I have so been there. I too felt like I was behind since the time I was 13! Yes! 13! I know, I am a total nutcase. When I was 13, I felt like it was too late for me, that I would never catch up and that I would never be happy in a relationship. Of course my adolescent despair proved to be somewhat correct because for the next 15 years I would continue to feel like I was behind, like I would never be in a good relationship and that there was something inherently and essentially wrong with me which made all this the case. And my thinking played out in real life creating a vicious cycle.

All of my relationships were lacking. Some were better than others. Some even bordered on being good but for the most part the suffering I experienced far outweighed the pleasure. 

I was desperate. I took up with anyone who could put two sentences together. I didn't even ask if maybe they could do a third sentence just to be sure they were competent. If a guy liked me and wasn't too annoying, I liked him. That was the way it worked. 

And that is why I now love being single! I think that the very first thing in finding a partner who isn't going to use and abuse you is to know your own worth. How could I know my own worth if I was running around with idiots who wanted the world from me in exchange for a cheese cracker? I needed some time and space to get to know myself. Now I am learning about myself and every day I am impressed by how amazing I am. I guess you could say that I am falling in love with myself but that is super cheesy and the fact that I wrote that kinda makes me want to barf. Anyways, I am wonderful! I value myself and the things I can do with my life more and more every day. More than that, I value, for the first time, the life that I have built for myself. Because of this, I would never let some idiot guy come in and smash up my awesome little life with his sledgehammer of idiocy. 

One thing I've noticed about myself in the past months is that I am way more picky about who I let into my life. This goes for men and for women, for guys I meet on match.com and people I meet in my community. Because I have taken the time to get to know myself and realize all that I have to offer, I want to be around people who also have a lot to offer and know how to share it. 

I used to live my life like a love free-for-all. I was that girl on the parade float throwing out candy to the crowd. I just gave myself away. I worked for far less money than I was worth, I gave away my time to anyone who asked for it, I supported freeloaders, etc. Now I am still riding in the parade but I am just sitting there satisfied basking in my own joyfulness and hanging out with the other folks on my float and smelling the zillions of flowers all around me (in this fantasy I have no allergies). 

I guess what I am trying to say is that being single is not sad or lonely or depressing. It can be one of the best opportunities of your life. And being single does not mean giving up on love. In fact, I think that choosing to be single is exactly the opposite!

Single or Singlutionary?

Until my recent revelation in regards to my roommates and my need for community, I thought that I wanted a community of Singles. I was very adamant that everyone be single. I even posted a post on craigslist for single friends. I had one woman respond who was married but wasn't "connected at the hip" with her husband. She seemed super cool but I honestly wasn't really interested because I wanted single friends.

Single means unattached. For many people being single is a temporary state and eventually they'll be in a relationship again. Being single doesn't really mean that a person is happy or active for fun or even available. And making friends with single people doesn't guarantee that, as soon as they become coupled, they won't run off with their partner and abandon their loyal friends.

So while I was looking for single friends, I was also wary of single friends. I've met a lot of singles in my life who just use friends as a filler until they find a mate. I found myself in a catch 22 with my own thinking.

So when I found community with my roommates, it was strange to realize that not all of them are single. In fact, two of them aren't single. Two of them have serious long-term boyfriends. This fact rarely occurs to me because, at home, they are functionally single. 

I make it really clear to prospective roommates that their significant other is not welcome to live here. If he/she comes over once a week, that is fine but the house is too small for everyone to have their partner over all the time. Plus, when a couple is making breakfast or watching a movie, its pretty easy for them to make the other people in the house feel kinda uncomfortable (depending on how obnoxious they are). Couples tend to take over in domestic spaces. Not only that, this is my home and I want to be able to walk around without a bra on with my hair all messed up and not feel awkward when my nipples bump into someone's significant other. So I seek out roommates who feel the same way about the situation. 

So far my adamance about: "YOU live here but your partner does not" has been very effective. I've seen one roommate's boyfriend about four times and the other roommate's boyfriend, I have NEVER met although he did hook us up with free cable. The roommates disappear over the weekends to their boyfriend's places where roommates aren't an issue. 

Still, if two of my three roommates are coupled, how could it be that I've found the single community I was seeking right here at home?

What I was seeking wasn't a singles community at all? It was a Singlutionary community that I really wanted! Even if/when I find myself in a relationship, certain basic things aren't going to change about my life. I am still going to keep up with my friends, my dog, my house, my hobbies. My lifestyle won't change nor will my way of thinking. (I know because whenever I have gotten into a relationship in the past, things HAVE changed and ultimately, I got pissed off and ended it.) Having a Singlutionary mindset is what is important, not whether you happen to be single or coupled.

Being Singlutionary is: Thinking and speaking as an "I" not a "we". Having strong relationships (outside of coupledom). Owning your own happiness and not waiting for another person to deliver it to you. Enjoying time and space alone. Pursing your dreams independent of a romantic relationship (even if pursue your dream with your partner, you would still pursue it alone if he/she weren't in the picture). 

Me and my dog and my three roommates are all Singlutionaries and that is why this works. We all have a strong sense of self and enjoy our lives as individuals. I am sure my two coupled roommates also enjoy their lives as part of a couple, but I suspect that they still see themselves as individuals even on their weekends at the boyfriend's. Their sense of identity isn't entirely dependent on their man. In fact, it isn't dependent at all on their man although they do love and respect him. 

So I guess I was being narrow minded and prejudiced when I was exclusively looking for an exclusively single community. Of course, there are typically some differences between the lifestyle/needs/availability of single vs. married people. My roommates don't live with their boyfriends and that obviously is a key factor. Geographical proximity seems to be a big deal when it comes to community. I think this is the case now more than ever as traffic gets worse, gas gets more expensive and people seek a higher quality of life. 

So Singlutionary community blossoms everywhere, even in my own backyard and even with people who aren't even single!

My Singlutionary Community

I've mentioned creating a Meetup group for fellow Singlutionaries in a previous post but I have been reluctant to actually put this plan into action. 

In the meantime, the women over at Single Women Rule started a Meetup group which prompted me to start doing some brainstorming for my own version. But I still couldn't get anywhere. It seemed like a lot of work for something I wasn't sure I wanted.

I mean, I want a warm community of singles in my life but I am not sure I want to be the leader of it. I've led a meetup group before and it takes a while to get it off the ground during which time there may be one other person attending your "Satisfied Singles Potluck". Meetup is a people potluck after all. This can be a blessing,  especially creating community, but I'm just not sure that I want to put a whole lot of effort into spearheading it.

And I might not be able to put a lot of effort into it anyways. I'm going back to work full time (I've been underemployed and working as a homemaker/landlord/lost dog mother/actor this whole time). I've actually started a short-term blog chronicling my days until I attain full time employment-- it might be very boring to read but it provides me with some accountability for my goals which is nice. If you're also looking for work, please read and comment!

Going back to work full time (in addition to Bosslady and keeping up with my beloved projects) severely limits the amount of time I can commit to new projects. 

But today I realized that all my reluctance was irrelevant because I no longer feel the desperate need for a singles community: I have community with my roommates!

Until a few weeks ago, this wasn't really the case. I rent out rooms in my house and I love everyone who lives here but we mainly just interacted in passing. We didn't hang out much together and we never really did things outside of the house together. We all had good, yet minimal, relationships with each other.

Then a couple things happened: 

I decided to plant a food garden (inspired by approximately 7 garbage bags of mulch given to me by Bosslady's husband). One of my roommates works at a garden store. I knew I was in over my head so I invited her to help. Another roommate had grown a rooftop garden while she was growing up and knew how to plant ginger and onions and garlic from scratch. And the other roommate had some general gardening knowledge and helped me pick out tomatos. Little by little the garden grows. Today we picked the first fruit from the garden: one red strawberry. I sliced it into four dainty slices. Three of us ate our slices promptly (it was tart but good) and I wrapped up the final remaining slice for the absent roommate. It was so small that we all laughed when I set it on top of her food in the fridge. 

One of my roommates decided to foster a dog through the rescue organization that I've worked with for three years. With a new puppy in the house, everyone was enchanted and everyone pitched in. The puppy chewed shoes and raced around and snuggled and melted everyone's heart. So when I went out of town everyone offered to care for my dog who they'd also gotten to know better. One of my roommates told me today that she has been walking my dog and she hoped that was OK with me. Ahh. The secret life of dog!

Of the four of us who live here, two are single and two have boyfriends. But we're all pretty independent women. 

Tonight (on the almost 1 year anniversary of my downward spiral in regards to fitness/diet and overall health), I went to the gym! I haven't intentionally exercised in, well, a year. I went with one of my roommates and we'll continue to motivate each other into the indefinite future.

Now I have plenty of community in my life. And it all started with some plants and a puppy. It turns out that I wasn't craving singles community as much as I was craving people to take delight in life with, to do projects with and to share laughter and stories with. Turns out they had been here all along, I just never thought to ask!

My House and Me: One Less Ounce of Desperation Part 1

I've written about desperate dating but there are two sides to that icky-poo coin. There are the effects of desperate dating and then there are the causes.

Until recently, I never was really able to pinpoint the cause of my own desperation when it came to relationships with men. 

I grew up pretty feminist. My mom never entered me into a beauty pageant and set an example by doing home repair projects on her own. She didn't even take my dad's last name. But at the same time, my parents had pretty traditional gender roles. My dad worked. My mom stayed home and then went to work part-time when I was in school. So while I was taught that men could (and should) cook and do laundry and that women could (and should) work for a living, that was not exactly the environment that I was raised in.

I want to make it clear that I am in no way criticizing this arrangement. That was what worked for them and it wasn't based on gender as much as the fact that my dad had a good stable job and my mom was really good at fixing up houses. My dad loves routine and can deal with the day-to-day monotony of going to the same office for 20 years. My mom loves change and excitement and is a risk taker. If their personalities had been switched, I wouldn't be surprised if their roles would have been switched as well.

So, I never thought that I "needed" a man in the way some of my friends do. I've always been very independent and wanted to learn to do things on my own. I don't need a man to fix my car or take me to dinner or to make my life complete. I don't need a man to show me the way or to protect me or make me feel special. I get validation from multiple sources, from both men and women. I fix my own car, take myself to dinner and I complete me!

But under all my bravado, my whole life, I have thought that I needed to be in a relationship in order to do three things (that I am yet aware of): settle down, have financial security and enjoy life. 

The first of these subconscious assumptions began to crumble two years ago when I bought my house. I was overwhelmed. It needed too much work and I had no time and no money and I didn't have any other friends who were homeowners or a community of do-it-yourselfers to pitch in or give advice. At the same time, I was freaking out because my life pre-homeownership was incredibly mobile. I moved every year. I never had a permanent place. And while I was ready to "settle down" I felt freaked out that it was happening to me. Something just felt off, like I had forgotten to do something important. What was I giving up by settling down? I had that bad feeling you get when you pack for a trip to the tropics and you forgot to pack your bathing suit. Something was amiss. 

In buying the house, I was making a commitment. And it was a commitment that I very much wanted to make. But in the back of my mind somewhere, underneath all my independence and education and self awareness, was this idea that having a house and settling down is something one does WITH a partner. I was overwhelmed by the house because I thought I had to do everything myself. My parents had done everything themselves and only hired people to do work that required permits or expertise beyond their own. But there were two of them. And there is one of me. 

It took me a while to feel OK with paying someone to mow my yard. I mean, shouldn't I be doing that myself? It took me a while to forgive myself for taking three months to paint the living room (which has vaulted ceilings and exposed beams and required borrowing a 9 foot ladder). Why couldn't I get it done in a weekend?

And once I realized that I, on my own, could not replicate the perfection of my parent's do-it-yourself lifestyle, I could find my own balance and my own groove. It wasn't that I was missing something or defective in some way. It wasn't that I should have done things in the proper order and waited to buy as house as a newlywed. What is to guarantee that this imaginary husband is a do-it-yourselfer anyways? A huge part of my parents relationship is based on their houses. I'm not sure that I want my relationship to be based on the house. Or on dogs. Or on travel. 

But for a while, after buying the house, I felt really desperate for a man. I felt like I just couldn't cope with all the responsibilities of the house on my own and secretly I wanted some sexy carpenter/electrician/plumber/contractor/landscaper/HVAC guy to walk into my life, literally sweep me off my feet and carry me over my own threshold. But then I realized all that I would sacrifice if the house belonged to someone else and I depended up on him to do everything the house required. It would no longer be my adventure and I would not have the chance to learn more or to tackle the challenges I had so longed for. And more importantly, I realized this was the ONLY reason I wanted a man in my life so badly. I would just be using this hottie handyman for his, uh, hands *ahem*. And while that makes for a great daydream, it doesn't make for a great relationship.

This was the first of my revelations regarding my subconscious assumptions about what I can and can not do as a single. I had no idea that I had been wah-wah-waiting for someone to settle down, but some part of me was. 

I will write about my more recent experiences with finances and fun next!

Making Room

The next blog is gonna be about going to bed.

Some of my days are super long and some are super short. Today was one of those days that felt super short. I had a short list of things to do and instead ended up doing a zillion other things which were more important and which took a long time. Overall I had a great day except I was so busy doing it that I can't remember where it went.

I realize that this past week, I have had no extra space in my life. I've gotten up early and gone to bed late and in between I was figuring out one thing or another all day long. Still, I am grateful that my life is flexible enough that I can skip the short list and re-prioritize so that I can do the things which need to be done in the moment. If I still worked a 9-5 type job, I might not be as able to do this. If I had children, I might not be able to do this. And if I were in a relationship, I might not be able to BE this busy and decide to throw myself so much into doing what needs to be done because I would have a whole other person to consider.

There are weeks like this in everyone's lives. Parents of young children might have it the worst (or the best depending who you're talking to) in this regard. Still, whether you're single or coupled there are days, weeks, months and sometimes even years which are so packed full of living that they are hard to recollect when they are all over.

Even things which we don't give much credence to in our culture (like taking a nice healthy turd or cleaning the toilet) take up space.

So if you're newly single remember this: the empty space where your spouse/partner/lover once stood is merely an opening for a new and potentially exponentially more wonderful relationship (and who knows, that relationship might just end up being, at first, with yourself).

If you've chronically single (and sick of it) remember this: We all make space for things and at the same time deny space for other things. Pay attention to what you are permitting into your blank space and what you are rejecting. 

If you're a desperate dater, remember this: Do not allow someone who want to be "just friends" (but then wants to flirt with you until your cooter/weewee aches) to take up all your time. You are allowing an annoying -selfish-shallow-self-involved hussy/douche to take up your space. Keep that space free and clear for the person of your dreams. 

If you are a pitiful piner, remember this: Fill that sad sad sad empty space with something you'd like to do once you're no longer single. Take a step towards the life you want instead of gazing at it from the distance. Hold your own hand and pull your face into the sun and then play tonsil hockey with the sky. Or something like that. But do something in the direction of your fantasy even if it makes you feel *gasp* a little satisfied with being by yourself or *double gasp* with a friend.

And if you're coupled, remember this:

Dude. I am the Singlutionary. I am in no way qualified to give advice to coupled people. Maybe the purple turtle will chime in.

Makeout Prizes

I know that I am the Singlutionary and I usually have all the answers but here is one that I can't quite figure out. I am hoping that someone has some advice for me:

Have you ever wanted to hand out makeout sessions to people who do a really good job at something? I just feel like: I'm single. You're single. And you impressed me. You deserve a nice little makeout session. 

However, I haven't had much luck at just making out with a friend/coworker/relative/etc and having it not become hecka complicated. In general, I am not particularly good at JUST making out. This is a skill I would like to develop. I wish making out was like a friendly hug or a handshake or a nice punch in the arm. That would be fun. But only if I am the one doling out the prizes. 

The Singlution on Craigslist

There are a lot of really desperate daters on craigslist. I am truly impressed not only by the quantity of people looking for love but the quantity of people just looking for SOMETHING. Here is my very own post to craigslist personals:

Gas + Laughter = Love (W4M)

I am looking for someone who takes as much delight in farting-while-laughing as I do. It is such a joyful feeling to laugh from both ends at the same time. I'll have to admit that on the rare occasion that I find myself flatulaughing, I am usually so delighted by the experience that I continue to giggle for days just at the mere thought of it. 

Is there anyone out there who feels the same way? 

I imagine us sitting around laughing and (hopefully) simultaneously and spontaneously farting which will only make us laugh harder. We'll see where things go from there.

My last boyfriend would leave the room whenever I would flatulaugh which really hurt my feelings. I am not sure if he lacked a sense of humor or if he was intimidated by my exuberant windiness. 

I am a S(mostly W)F. I am not looking for a LTR, just a flatulaugh friend or two (I am open to polyflatulaughamy). I am DDF, fit and healthy (I enjoy a diet of beans, cheese and raw vegetables). 

Singled Out: Coupled at the Hip

Even if you're a solidly, non-desperately satisfied single, there are some things which can be irritating. They usually have to do with interacting with couples.

I am not here to hate on couples or anything. The Singlution is STILL for everyone.

I'm just here to offer some guidelines for both single and coupled individuals to live in harmony.

To the Single People: 

Do you have a friend/relative/co-worker/other (FRCO) who for whatever reason can't be out of sight of his/her spouse/partner/bfriend/gfriend (SPBG) for more than 2 minutes? Does he/she want YOU to do EVERYTHING with the TWO of them? Is his/her SPBG annoying/boring/stinky/a conversation dominator? Does your FRCO invite you over for what you think is some friendly bonding time only to give you the bonding performance of a lifetime with her SPBG?

This situation seems to be one of those things that maddens single people and coupled people are just clueless about. Single people: you are not alone. This behavior his totally gross. Of course, you may have done it yourself at some point in your life and heck, you may even fall prey to it later in your life to torture your then spinster/sadbatchelor friends. Maybe you'll see it as paying forward the revenge.

Regardless, here are some suggestions on how to handle these kinds of situations:

1. Go on vacation from the friendship for about 2.5 years or the breakup (whichever comes first)

2. Counter each invitation with an offer to attend a spouse/parter/bfriend/girlfriend FREE event. e.g. girls/boys night out, an activity which you KNOW that the SPBG will be utterly repulsed by (although be careful. this can really backfire. and you'll end up backpacking with a SPBG in a miniskirt and platform hiking boots).

3. Tell your friend/relative/co-worker/other how you really feel (which brings us back to #1).

4. Bring a video camera, edit out all the boring parts and post the offensive ones in a comment!

To the Coupled People:

Are you so deeply in love that you can't see straight? Do you feel like you can't breathe when your lover/soulmate/husband/wife/fiancee (LSHWF) leaves the room? Do you want to spend every waking moment in his/her arms? Can you not imagine going a single day without seeing him/her? Do you NEED him to attend the baby shower or to give her a goodbye kiss before going to the bathroom?

I am so happy for you that you have found the love of your life. Learning and growing with another person is a wonderful, priceless thing and I wish you well in your life together. Now that you have found your one true love with whom you will spend all eternity its time to remember that other people exist in your life! Its important because although you may be spending eternity with your soul mate, in this life you may need some support from folks other than your LSHWF. What is something happens to your LSHWF? It will be so absolutely awful for you that you will NEED people to help you through that. So, for your own sake, please maintain the other relationships in your life even if being away from your LSHWF makes you ache from head to toe and you feel nauseous and break out into a cold sweat. You can survive a 45 minute lunch date with a friend/relative/coworker/other (FRCO). You can do it!

Here are some suggestions of easy ways to keep up with those other people in your life:

1. Assign one night a week (not Friday or Saturday of COURSE) to get together with a FRCO and actually do it and make sure your sweetie has a FRCO to get together also but NOT on a double date. The 1.5 hour absence will make your heart only grow fonder.

2. Email all your FRCOs from a computer snuggle with your sweetie but tell them about ANYTHING other than how much you love your LSHWF even if its about how badly you have to pee (but leave off the part about how you can't pee because you can't stand to untangle yourself from your LSHWF's arms).

3. Take advantage of the time that your LSHWF is on the pot with a super stinky turd to start calling up that long long long list of unreturned phone calls. You might want to start just by checking your voicemail.

4. Kill a lot of burdens with one stone and plan twin parties for you and your LSHWF. For the first two hours you will be with all your friends at one location and your LSHWF will be with all his/her friends at another location. Afterwards you can join the parties together. Just like a liberal bachelor/bachelorette party. 

Single Serving

This could be about two things. It could be about singles serving the world through their dedication to various causes and by being available to help all the married people out when they need it, etc.

Or it could be about eating.

Right now, I prefer the latter.

SO. I am on my third day of baked potatos. This is kinda OK with me because I am almost out of potatos and the spud is now blacklisted from my grocery cart. The end is in sight my baked potato friend! 

But still, being single poses its own set of challenges when it comes to eating thrifty, nutritious yet simple meals (and not having enough left overs that you could eat the same exact freaking thing until NEXT thanksgiving).

I have a really bad habit of eating a bowl of rice and/or a gardenburger patty (just the patty defrosted in the toaster oven) for dinner. (If you have a more disgusting dinner habit, please share it below in a comment. Winner of most disgusting dinner habit will be entitled to a bag of rice.)

My focus, as of late, has been shopping and menu planning so that I do not waste a ton of veggies every week. The only problem is that I get too lazy to cook the veggies. (Which means that tomorrow's blog is gonna have to be about making time for your relationship with yourself or some other cheezy-go-happy-sounding title). 

Regardless. What are some good ideas for simple, quick, single dish, single serving meals? Lets put the baked potato in its place!

Here is what I resort to (I am a vegetarian with an unhealthy attraction to carbs but remember, the Singlution is for everyone!):

A salad with lots of chunky yummy proteins and fruit and stuff

A baked potato

Tacos with whatever veggies are in the house sauteed up right quick

A baked sweet potato

Sandwiches with fresh veggies and other deliciousness

Rice

Chillie Killies (I know this is not spelled correctly and I am totally OK with it)

Brown rice

Comment back, yall! Put the name of the dish in the subject line for easy reference! 

Don't keep waiting around for someone to cook for or for someone to cook for you! Its your body so freaking feed it already. 

Commitment Issues

Single people are often thought to have "commitment issues" especially when, like me, they find themselves to be ALWAYS single.

*I am waiting for my baked potato to bake so this will be brief (kinda).*

This was driven home to me  a couple years ago at the strangest place: my workplace. I had a rather annoying co-worker who was a total performer, an actor to be exact. I know a lot of actors cause, well, I am one too. But most of them annoy me at least a little mainly 'cause they always need to be the center of attention. (If you happen to be a dear actor friend reading this blog, you must know that this does not pertain to you.)

So this actor/co-worker (at one of my gazillion dayjobs) wanted me to take a very specific acting class which was so totally awesome mainly cause it was taught by his friend and mainly cause he was in it and that mere fact totally raised the caliber of talent in the class and I could learn so much from such a deep serious acting experience with such talented peers.

So, I asked him some questions about the class and I considered it. But then I decided that between all the other things I was doing, I was in no shape to commit to taking a class which I didn't have the time to attend and which I didn't have the money to pay for and which might annoy the boogers out of me.

So I told him: "Thank you very much but now is not the right time."

And he wouldn't let up. And I keep saying "no". Finally, he asks me the question I had been asking myself every night for the past 5 years: "Do you have commitment issues?"

This comment was meant to humiliate me into committing to taking the class. 

Unfortunately for Mr. Annoying Actorpants, I was so pissed off that I replied with full force hostility: "Yes. I totally do!" and I walked off into the sunset. I am sure he heard my "subtext" loud and clear, which in that moment was: "Eff-off, you annoying arrogant actorish acting ass!"

But I was pissed off for the rest of the night.

Because for an actor, it is imperative NOT to have commitment issues. Actors essentially live the lives and the moments of other people. In order to this effectively, one must commit 100% to the circumstances and to the character. So, if I'm in a scene where I just found out that my husband is cheating on me, I have to commit 100% to the fact that I am a woman who has been married for this many years and I feel this oh-so-specific-way about my husband, etc, etc, etc. I can't be half in the scene and half myself, thinking about my delicious baked potato or my preposterous speeding ticket. 

But at that moment in my life, I was thinking: "Oh my gosh. This douche nozzle is right. I do have commitment issues and now they are so bad that not only can I not stay in a relationship for more than three months, but I also am doomed to be a crappy actor for the rest of my life. A lonely, crappy actor! Poor me. Poor me. Wahhhhhhhhahhhhhahhhhh."

*I have heard that baked potatos are just as bad for you as eating ice cream.*

Anyways. Back to commitment. Right.

For months this conversation with Annoying Actor haunted me. I decided to, poor me, accept that I did, in fact, have commitment issues and that I needed to work on them. But I didn't know where to begin. I was too busy committing to a lunch date or to a friendship or to a visit or to planning an event or leading a group or adopting a dog or buying a house. 

And then it struck me. I am so freaking good at committing! I am a badass committer. If anything, I overcommit. I commit to people, to projects, to dogs, to trees, to cellphone plans.

Yeah. 

And the truth is that the most important thing to do as a single person or a coupled person or any kind of person is to commit to living the life you are already living. If you're single, commit to living the single life that you are in and commit to doing it 100%. If you are married, commit to the life you are living and do it 100%.

In other words, make the life that you have badass.

Single people do a lot of waiting around, thinking that they can't go out and have fun or they can't buy a house or they can't have rockin' sexy undergarments cause they're not in a relationship. Ladies, how many of you out there don't splurge on hecka cute bra and panty sets cause you think its a waste cause "nobody" will appreciate 'em. Do NOT call yourself a nobody!

Once I committed to being single and let it all in with all my fears and reservations, etc, I started LIVING. And living is in no way preventing me from being in a relationship at some future juncture. It is, however, preventing me from being in a relationship with the wrong person just so that someone (besides myself) can appreciate the skimpies I spent a small fortune on. (If you really need someone else to appreciate your skimpies, just go post pictures of 'em on craigslist. Trust me, someone out there will appreciate it a whole lot. Not that I know, first hand, mind you. I am just wise in the ways of craigslist.)

*OK. I have eaten my potato and this post and my waistline have both gotten much larger than previously predicted*

So all skimpies aside. If you're single, stop waiting. Just start going about doing the things that you want to do. Invest your time in committing to things that matter to you. I've committed my time to this blog, to my career(s), to my many wonderful and rewarding friendships. And I am no worse off by it. 

And if you're dead set thinking that the only thing for you in life is to get married and produce offspring, well, that is totally OK. Just commit to doing something you like also. Maybe it's related to marriage (hey! you could be like J.Lo and become a Wedding Planner). 

Regardless, if you commit to yourself, you're well on your way to a happy ending. 

 

To Be or to Have A Beautiful Sidekick

There are about three super nice guys that I have dated in my many years of singledom.

One of them, The Landlord, was not only very kind, attractive and functional but he also WANTED to be a provider. That was a new concept to me at the time and I wasn't sure I liked it. I didn't know WHY I didn't like it or that it made me feel uncomfortable. I am sure he would have had no problems with his girlfriend or wife working but he wanted to be sure that she wouldn't need to. 

I, of course, wanted to work so for me this wasn't some great boon. It made him a good person, yes, but it didn't hold a whole lot of value to me because I didn't want to be provided for.

This quickly became a moot point when I moved 2,000 miles away and refused to move back. He had a home and a business and roots back where I came from and wasn't interested in following me. 

We kept in touch for a while and at some point I asked him what he wanted in a partner mainly because I was confused as to why he was ever interested in me in the first place (I couldn't imagine why a quality guy would actually be interested in me). 

His response made me gag a little. "A beautiful sidekick" he said.

And he meant it. He meant it in the best of ways. He wanted to continue to live his life and he wanted a woman who wanted to live his life with him. He would love her and think she was beautiful (even if she was just average) and he would provide for her and show her a really good time. She would be blessed. She would be cherished. And she would NOT be me.

I've been observing other people's relationships for a heck of a long time now and it seems that, for the most part, many of the successful ones fall into this pattern:

One person is dominant (usually the man) and that person is the one who follows their dream, makes the money and calls the shots. The other person (usually the woman but not always) is living their dream by contributing to the dream of the dominant person. Here is an example.

A husband is a real estate broker and runs the business. The wife used to stay at home to care for the children (her dream but also his) and is now the office manager for the real estate office. 

A young man has a dream of opening a cutting edge restaurant. His girlfriend has extensive marketing experience and he convinces her to quit her real and do marketing for the restaurant.

The two above examples are totally awesome ways to live life. There is nothing wrong with them. Both people are using their skills towards a common dream. 

The problem for me is that I do not want to be a beautiful sidekick. I have my own dream which I can not put aside for the dream of another person. Like it or not, I am an ambitious and capable woman. I have struggled with this part of myself for a long time because there is a part of me that wishes I could have been satisfied staying back in my hometown and marrying some boy-next-door and having dinner every Saturday at my parent's house. 

Living a more conventional life just seems so much more simple. The truth is that I simply do not want that life. I thrive in the world that I live in which is one of change, exploration and constant challenge. I am an explorer, an entrepreneur and I am wildly ambitious. I want to be the star, not the assistant.

So. OK then. If I don't want to BE a sidekick, maybe I should HAVE one.

Interesting. 

But I've also dated some very sweet guys who were not ambitious, were not adventurous, were not self-directed. They were pretty hot though, at least to me. They would qualify for the role of a "sexy sidekick" in my life right?

And they were hella boring. Sorry to put it that way but I do not think there is any nicer way to say it. Maybe they weren't boring but I was bored by them none-the-less. I didn't want to spend all my time with someone who just did whatever I did or whatever I wanted to do. I didn't want to be in charge of everything and calling all the shots. I don't want to be a provider for someone else no matter how attractive they are. 

So, when it comes down to it, I'd prefer a peer. The whole sidekick setup doesn't work for me. I'm not dissing it but I am rejecting it for myself. There are lots of A types out there who need a sidekick and there are lots of people out there who would LOVE to be provided for. 

I am not one of them. 

Does this doom me to being single forever? No. It merely reduces the pool of potential mates. This does not bother me anymore. I am not worried that I have set my standards too high and must now suffer alone for eternity. 

Heck no! First of all, I am not SUFFERING alone. Second of all, I have developed a deep faith that the right person is going to be so badassly perfect that he will be thrown into my path when I least expect it. 

If two people are going to share a very specific ambition (outside of raising a family) in which they both contribute equally as creators, instigators and providers there is no way they CAN'T find each other.

And if my life is not going to be made so much more awesome by the random/unexpected arrival of Mr. Badassely Perfect, well, heck, I can just continue doing what I am doing surrounded by my (married and single) network of family, friends and community.

DC Comics has this thing called The Justice League. Its Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman and some of the other DC characters. They all come together to fight crime. They are all still superheros on equal footing.

That is the life I am looking for. 

Maybe I should post that on craigslist: Wonder Woman seeks Superman. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh-ha. Hell NO. Because that my dear friends is desperate dating!

Singlution FAQ

What is the Singlution?

The singlution is a fledgling movement, started right here, which supports single people in living full and satisfying lives just the way they are. It celebrates single living and offers hope and community to people who struggle with single life. 

What is the Singlutionary?

The Singlutionary is actually a who. Singlutionary refers to both the author of this blog (kinda like a self-appointed revolutionary for single people) and it also refers to anyone who wants to live life as a satisfied single and feels really brave doing it or anyone who totally gets what this blog is all about and wants to partake in the singlution!

What IS this blog about?

Good question. Its about several things: its about me and my experiences, its about being a solid/satisfed/non-searching single and its also about the trials of being single and how best to overcome them or how I overcame them, at least (I make no guarantees).

What made you decide to write this blog?

I have been single for almost ALL of my adult life (and before that also). Not just single-as-in-not-married but single-as-in-not-even-a-successful-relationship-in-sight. So why then, was I the recipient of everyone's midnight calls seeking advice about marriage or engagement or lack of engagement or potential date or lack thereof? I have no bloody clue. What I do know is that I've done all the wrong things a single person can do and I FINALLY figured out how I can live a happy satisfying search-free life just where I am. And I want to share that because the path to here was pretty lonely and very frustrating. 

There is little community/support for single people that isn't about hooking up. This blog is an attempt to provide a healthy forum for single people to live and breathe and grow and communicate.

Got a Question for the Singlutionary?

Post it as a comment or email me!