A Small Community of Close Friends

Since my post earlier this week on the Chicken Funeral, I've been thinking: Why am I such a whiner? I have wonderful friends and know really good people? Why am I so pissed off that nobody wanted to participate in my chicken funeral. I mean, it sounds like tons of fun, right?

After I performed the solo chicken funeral (in which even the chickens refused to participate), I went to a work meeting. And as I was arriving, a married couple who have a farm were dropping off their 1st official produce delivery EVER. They had two friends with them who were making a documentary about their farm and were taping this milestone in their farming business/life together.

For some reason, this added insult to injury. These people have a whole group of people who care about what they are doing and all support each other in doing it. They are making an official documentary about what they are doing and I am a one woman chicken grave digging idiot who props a camera up on a fence to document the death of my pet because nobody else is there to witness it.

Why am I not simply single, but SOLO is so many of my endeavors? "Wah wah wah! Why am I always alone? Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. I guess I'll go eat chicken."

Well, the pity party ends here. Because after further thought I realized that I do have community. But my community isn't based around one interest. I know a lot of wonderful people all with different lifestyles and callings and professions. There is a backyard chicken keeping organization in my town that I am 100% inactive with although I do check their bulletin board on a regular basis. However, I've never been to an event or contributed. I don't have time and honestly, I'm not THAT interested in having my chickens take over my life. If I were a more active member of the group, I would have a serious chicken community of live chicken lovers and dead chicken mourners.

Then, I received a video from my friend that her sister, sister's partner and their friends had made. The video is funny and slightly like unto the funeral video except that they behead one of their chickens and prepare it for dinner. There are several people active in this video and there is more than one person to hold the camera, and a person to hold the chicken and another person to wield the axe that chops off the chickens head.

They all decided to do this together. This is their life and their friends and this is what they do for fun (make a video about killing and eating their chicken -- not the actual act of killing the chicken).

THAT is what I want (just the vegetarian version).

This seems every obvious to me now.

I've always been pursuing groups of people and volunteering my time and getting involved in community hoping that I'll find a community of my own. But the truth is that all I need are a few good friends with an inclusive attitude and a long-term commitment to our friendship.

I moved far away from my hometown (where the friend with the chicken head chopping sister lives) and in doing so, left behind many of my childhood friends. But I've been in my new city five years and I've put down roots. At the same time, I've been so busy building community for other people (through my meetup or my dog rescue work or through volunteering my ass off for one cause after another) that I haven't really taken the time to build my own individual, long term friendships. My roommates tend to be temporary and so I have quit letting them too much into my life, knowing that in a few months they'll move on. I've quit seeking new friends because so many of my friends disappeared once they got into a relationship. At some point I gave up on friendship.

I'm seeking people (not just one person) to live life with and share in the victories and failures. The community doesn't have to be big and it doesn't have to be centered upon ONE mutual interest. Maybe we enjoy each other's humor or maybe we enjoy the same activities. But we somehow commit to being there for each other as a small group and holding the camera for each other whenever it is needed.

I see how the friendships that I have continued to nurture are not practical ones, mainly because these friends live far away or are married and have children. What I need to allow myself to let into my life are friends with a similar mindset and lifestyle who live where I do and are available to support me as I support them. What I am looking for is not only a partner, but a small community of close friends (of which some may also be lovers).

Instead of welcoming people into the city and helping them get adjusted and saving dogs and film and blah-de-blah. I need to save myself a little space to make a life in. A life filled with friendship and caring and community to which I contribute, but also receive.

The Singlutionary Situation

I have one good friend in my city who is also single. Or WAS also single. Lately she has been going to and from another city to visit a man she recently met. Of course it is all my fault that they met and I have only myself to blame for the situation.

I have the bad habit of immediately starting to push friends away once they begin to get involved with someone. It isn't so much that I push them away but that I begin to expect less of them. And in a way, its an appropriate reaction. Having someone new in their life means that they have to make room for another person and I can't expect my friend to be as available as she once was.

By the time I was 22, all my best friends were married and very much involved in their relationships. At that time, there wasn't any space for me and my friends to have a relationship outside of their marriage. If I wanted to see my friend, I had to tolerate the husband. Since then, the husbands have become more tolerable or have been replaced with less obnoxious substitutes and my friend's have become less entangled socially and are receptive to "girl time" activities.

But for most of my early 20s, I felt like I needed to have a partner in order to enjoy my friends again. I felt that if I had a partner then we could couple date my friends. My partner would take on the horror of my friend's husbands and I would get to actually have an enjoyable visit with my friends. My friends, I think saw it the same way and provided me with healthy doses of advice on what to do to find a man so that my man could play with their man.

WHATEVER!

What partner of mine is going to want to put up with THAT crap?

"Will you be my boyfriend just so that I can take you to my friend's house and you can watch videos of my friend's husband's community theatre production and then watch him try on his costume and recite Shakespeare's sonnets?"

Eventually I gave up on finding a blow-up-doll-boyfriend-who-loves-amateur-Shakespeare and became Singlutionary.

But as people couple around me, I would like to have someone to depend on. Not that my coupled friends are undependable -- they are all very loving and wonderful and if I were to call them in any state of panic or emergency, they would be very much there for me. But their daily lives are taken up with their family, their work and other obligations. Any extra time they have, they want to spend with their spouse.

I suppose that now I would like someone to depend on socially and for the long haul. And, in the way our society is set up, with coupling being the norm, it seems that in order to find this, I might have to couple. Friendships, even the strongest ones, are secondary to spouses and families especially in the way people spend their day-to-day time.

It seems that just as soon as I find myself in a solid, lasting, stable friendship -- the friendship is altered by the presence of a romantic relationship.

Part of my situation, I think, is that I am very much a one-on-one person. If I have a good friend, it is because I enjoy our interesting conversations and her unique perspective. Even if her new partner is super cool, that doesn't mean that I'd enjoy hanging out with both of them as much as I would enjoy the one-on-one. And typically each friendship has its sacred activities -- with one of my friends it is eating good food, and another it is running. Sometimes the new partner doesn't have the same appreciation for the things my friend and I share and it kinda ruins the fun.

This is not to say that I won't stay friends with my friends who couple. I have stayed friends with ALL my friends who are coupled. I made the adjustment and learned how to be friends with both of them (sometimes more gracefully than others).

But I am tired of always looking for new available friends as others become unavailable. And maybe, the easiest thing to do would be to find a new best male friend and begin that whole monogamous endeavor called "a relationship".

Or I could just cultivate a ton of male friends so that if one of them couples, there will be 10 more waiting in the wings to share an order of yam fries and help decorate my backyard with empty toilets.

Warming Up

Most of the relationships I've been in have taught me the same thing: I need a lot of time to myself. The last relationship I was in merely confirmed this fact.

There is a tension between the excitement of meeting someone and feeling that mutual attraction and knowing that I need to protect my time so that I can be happy.

It seems that whenever I've been in a relationship, or even just getting to know someone in a romantic kind of way, all the time that I usually spend on things like keeping the house/car clean and maintained, taking care of myself, reading, catching up with my friends, writing and art projects -- all that time gets eaten up by the new beaux.

And it is great at first, but after a couple months I get angry. I start wondering why I can't get anything done and I start to resent the time spent with said person. I try to draw back and start spending more time doing the things I need to do -- laundry -- for example. But the other person always sees this as a personal affront and the relationship starts to crumble.

What is the solution to this?

Always be single? That is the approach I have been taking for the past few years. But what if I am ready to be open to a functional relationship where I CAN have enough space. What if I've decided that this IS a possibility and that, now, after 2 years of going solo (and sexless) I am warming up to this option.

I've written recently about being an introvert. I think that the main thing I need to find in a potential partner -- from the get go -- is someone who can understand and respect my need for personal time and someone with their own interests and friends and passions. Someone who needs time for his own projects and interests and relationships.

And then, I need to allow things to be slow and easy instead of fast and hard -- which is my usual approach.

Singlutionary's 30by30

I'm back with a vengeance!

I'm blogging again -- all self-imposed gag orders have been lifted!

And I'm running.

And I'm going to quit eating like a teenager locked in an abandoned convenience store.

Two months ago, I went to a family reunion followed by a roadtrip with my parents followed by a childhood friend's wedding. I am not even going to touch upon the wedding on this blog (its all been said before) but what I decided on that trip is that I need to get my body back.

Get my body back from what? No, I didn't have a baby. But I feel like I did. I look like I did. But I have no excuse. There are no babies waking me up all night -- I sleep well. There are no children crying for a snack all day long -- I have a schedule where I can provide myself with nutritious meals without the temptation of grabbing something just to get through the day. I need to claim my body back from our culture of instant gratification, from two years of eating away my worries and sorrows, from the soon-to-be distant memories of struggling to become the Singlutionary that I am today.

On the trip I took my my parents, even my biggest pants were beginning to feel tight. And I realized that, as I approach 30, the time to deal with my bad habits is NOW. I want to enter my 30s in the best shape of my life. I want to be active. I want to climb mountains and forge rivers and do all sorts of Oregon Trail type activities. And I want it to be easy. So, while on this trip, I texted a Singlutionary friend and said "What about training for a marathon?" Her response was: "Sure, I need a absurd goal".

My absurd goal begins with running. I found a marathon training program online and, despite several little setbacks, I have been sticking to it. So far I've gone from not even being able to run a half a mile to being able to run over 1 mile without stopping. I've also gotten faster. I've never been a runner or an athlete of any kind. What I am really learning from this, is NOT to be intimidated by physical challenges. My body began to change right away. It tightened up. I have muscles in places that were formerly dough.

But I haven't lost any weight. This doesn't concern me at this juncture. As I keep running, I'll get more confidence and I'll be better able to keep those eating demons off my back. I don't want to diet. I don't want to deprive myself of food in the sort term because I know that I'll just end up pigging out in the long run. I want to finally overcome my horrible addiction to sweets and I want to nurture myself enough that I can create a lasting habit of cooking and eating good food at home.

So. Blogging: Check. Running: Check. Eating: I'll get back to you on that one.

The name of this project is titled: 30by30. I want to lose 30lbs by my birthday at the end of October.

But it really isn't about weight loss -- that is just the title of an absurd benchmark. This is about allowing myself to become the woman that I've always had the potential to be but never let myself become. It is about freedom -- physical freedom, freedom from my food issues, freedom from all the doubts that ganged up on me in my mid 20s.

On Halloween, I've invited my friends to run with me for 16 miles through out the city in our Halloween Outfits. And on New Years Eve, I am going to run 26 plus miles -- the length of a marathon.

Absurd goals are my new best friend.

How to Be Alone

This video speaks for itself. I want to make art like this -- although mine would be wild & irreverent where this is beautiful and comforting:

http://www.wimp.com/howalone/

Thank you to Akirah Watt at Quarter Life Lady for finding this gem of love and inspiration

Independence Day

I miss so much writing on this blog and reading the other single's blogs:)

This year I am celebrating my independence from desperation.

Tonight I went to do some catering work which I pick up in hard times to pay bills.

Tonight was my last night with this catering company. From now on, I'll do catering only on Saturdays and only for the one catering company that I LOVE. I'm not going to pick up work that I don't love on days that I need for other things just because I feel desperate for money. I'm asking myself what I enjoy, what makes me happy and not accepting any thing outside of those boundaries.

This fall I am turning 30 (I've begun to train for a marathon and I've invited my friends to join me in a "30by30" (lose 30 lbs by age 30) celebration.)

One thing I've learned in my 20s is that while money comes and goes, time is gone forever. Acting from a place of desperation has caused me to spend years of my life in bad relationships, maintaining bad friendships and at god awful jobs.

I can make that time and those experiences work for me in what I am doing now (and I do), but I can't get that time back.

So no more Sunday catering events (I'll be too busy with marathon training anyways) and no more picking up work that I feel not-so-excited about.

Will I have enough money? Ahhhh. That is always the question. Will I be able to make it? Will I be able to pay my bills? Will I be able to get gas in my car? Will I be able to repay my debts?

Will I be able to survive on my own?

The answer is always yes. There is a way to make it through even if you have to quit feeling desperate and start trusting, start reaching out and start letting the world in.

In all parts of my life. I declare my independence today from desperation.

What are you independent from today?

Planning My Comeback

I've been gone so long but it feels so good to be back. I've missed all my blog friends and thought of you often. There has been so much to write about that I'm not sure what to select. It would be impossible to write about it all.

I am still, slowly, but surely, figuring that out.

What I do know is that this blog will go back to the original vein -- stories from the Singlutionary. The rest of the topics around which I have clarity (homeownership, how-to, self employment, etc) and which I don't (sex, money, etc) will be addressed separately somewhere else on the webiverse (but I will redirect to them from here -- for those that are interested).

So my blog friends, I will return to catch up on your lives and to swap stories from the Singlutionary life. Just give me a bit more time to catch my breath, get a grasp on my thoughts and hit the snooze button, yet again.

With Love,

Singlutionary

Moving into the Master

This past week I moved. I didn't move very far-- just from one room down the hallway from another-- but it was a move none-the-less.

One of the ways I make ends meet is to rent out cute furnished rooms in my house. Last week, a longstanding roommate moved out-- she had rented the master bedroom from me before I began renting out furnished rooms-- and I had been sleeping, for a year, haphazardly, in the room which used to be my office. It was never a permanent situation and I never put it together. I rented out cute furnished rooms but I kept for myself a room which looked very much like a half-assed storage area/art studio/office/dog room. It was cluttered and it was crowded and it was a mess.

This week I finally moved into the master bedroom. Finally. So much space. My own bathroom. A walk-in closet.

The funny thing is that I have no bedroom furniture. Most of the stuff that was being stored in the first room was linens and art which ended up staying in there. I merely scooted my airbed down the hall and I was pretty much done.

In some ways I moved from one impermanent space to another. One day I will move out of this room and this house and start over again. But life feels so different. Moving is always a fresh start, even if just down the hall. And now there is breathing space, space to grow. I have the remaining artwork that I've collected leaning up against the walls in my new room, waiting to be hung. Stuff from the shared bathroom is now sitting my bathroom the counter, waiting to be sorted. Nothing is settled yet, but it is tidy and it is somehow incredibly beautiful in this transitional way.

I never thought I needed the master bedroom before. I didn't need that much space for just me when I could rent it out for income instead. Maybe a part of me was waiting for a partner to share the master bedroom with. Houses like mine are built for a traditional married couple to occupy the master bedroom with space for their growing family in the secondary rooms. A master is big enough for two, so isn't it just a waste of space for only one?

Since buying the house I have become the master of my home. I have stopped waiting, in small subconscious ways, to be partnered before beginning my life. So it makes sense that I would quit living in a secondary room and move on into the master bedroom.

I am taking up more space in other parts of my life too. For so long I have been holding this extra space empty, waiting for someone to come and and fill it. I remember for so long, sleeping only on one side of my queen bed, practicing to share it with a partner. In so many small ways I have not been taking up the space in my own life, leaving an empty area for someone else to fill. One side of the bed it only a few feet but it is a huge emptiness.

My life is big and I am going to grow into it. I have filled this whole house with peace and positive people and and I am going to fill my life outside of this house with the same.

I was always afraid that by filling up my own life to the brim, I was eliminating the possibility of having a partner. Maybe I am. But maybe life is big enough and flexible enough to continue to expand. And maybe living a masterfully awesomely big life is the ONLY way for me to find a suitable partner.

Either way, I'm just glad that there's no more wasted space! And excited to put together this last little corner of my home.

Teapot (and Revolution Tea Sampler Giveaway from Single Edition**)

It has been over a week now since my first date with Teapot. I like Teapot and Teapot likes me. At least I think that is still the case. I usually never get past a constricted first date with guys. I know right away that there is a problem with them or with any potential "us". Most first dates make me want to cry and barf at the same time which is why I rarely go on them. The last time I got as far as a second date was with the Porsche driving Pedestrian Bridge Makeout Boy. Either he didn't like the way I kissed or he just wanted to get laid because I never heard from him again. That was 9 months ago.

Lately I've been having a hard time posting because I feel some conflict as a Singlutionary. For the first time in a long time, I actually have space in my life for a relationship. And I want one. Christina at Onely wrote not too long ago encouraging folks to ask themselves WHY they want a relationship instead of wanting to be single. I think this is a valid question. Most times when I have asked myself this question in the past, I have gotten an answer that wasn't quite right and was something I actually wanted in myself instead of needing a partner to fill it: Financial stability, someone to hold the ladder while I go on the roof, someone to get groceries on the way home from work, a house/home, someone to travel with. As I became more and more Singlutionary, I realized that many of these reasons for desiring to couple were merely deficits that I saw in myself and I figured out how to overcome them. I was able to buy a house on my single income (when I had an income-- I am now unemployed), I can always ask a roommate to hold the ladder, I've accepted that there is no such thing as financial stability in this day and age and I have created a wonderful home which I share with my roommates and my friends and adopted family. I have also accepted the challenges and joys of solo travel.

I know now what I do NOT want. I do not want someone to complete me. My life is already complete. In fact sometimes it is overwhelmingly full. I do not want someone to follow nor do I want a follower. 

I have learned to be a wonderful companion to myself. I also have fantastic roommates who I share stories of my day with and who I can tell about getting fired and other disappointments. I even have a friend who I can regale with tales of taking out toilets. 

I have a best friend in the same state and a sister in the same town. I have best friends from childhood in the same city. 

But all my friends are busy. And partnered.

I used to want to partner because I missed my friends and I felt that the only way to spend time with them was to partner myself so that we could do couple things together (this is when we were in our early 20s and they were newly married and wouldn't do anything without their "other half"). But my desire to have a companion now has less to do with wanting to see my friends more often (I would see them one-on-one now if I so desired) and more to do with having the space for a new friendship.

I have space in my life for a new relationship and I crave the growth and expansion that comes from engaging with a new person and making a new friend. Anais Nin wrote:

Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

I have always felt this way about friendship-- that it is something powerful and sacred and truly important. I am ready for a new friend.

Why does this friend have to also be a romantic partner?

Because in our culture it is hard to not let friendships fall by the wayside. I already have a best friend and a sister. I have lots of women in my life. I would like a best male friend. And my experience with best male friends is that can be ripped from your life by a jealous wife/girlfriend. 

I am looking for a best male friend/partner. Because that kind of relationship is easier to keep forever. Most of my friends are forever friends. I don't really have too many of the other kind. 

I haven't heard from Teapot for a few days. I am assuming that he is busy with work and I don't mind because I am busy too. I don't have space for someone who wants to see me every day. Teapot might disappear too and then all this thinking is for nothing. But even if he does stick and I find myself coupled, I will still write and I will still be Singlutionary.

There is a Singlutionary way to be single and there is a Singlutionary way to be coupled. Either way. I am still living the Singlution. 

**Today is the first day of my weekly giveaway series. At the end of each Sunday post (yes, I know it is Monday already and I am duly embarrassed), I will state the giveaway item and the criteria to enter. The winner will be drawn from a hat of commenters. For this first giveaway, all you have to do in order to get your name in the hat is to comment stating that you'd like to be entered. I will post the winner at the end of next Sunday's blog along with the next giveaway item/criteria for entering.

Today's giveaway item is a Variety Tea Sampler of 5 teas from Revolution Tea. 

Today's giveaway is sponsored by SingleEdition.com

The End of Abstinent Admirer

I used to have a beaux named Abstinent Admirer. He would come into the office where I worked and shower me with admiration. But not in a creepy way. And I loved it. He was smart and funny and knew about cars and I sang his praises all over this blog.

I thought he was an OK guy and when he announced to me on a walk that he was abstinent (for the past 18 years no less) I took it as a sign that I could trust him. After all, all of my relationships have been short lived and most of them were only about sex. This was a new kind of experience.

I decided to give Abstinent Admirer a chance. 

But Abstinent Admirer wasn't only sexually abstinent. He was also emotionally abstinent. He couldn't seem to get past meeting me in the office. He took me to a football game once but seemed scared to sit next to me. At the end of the night he ran off to his sister's house and I felt completely rejected. I thought maybe we would hang out and talk for a while maybe hold hands or at least sit next to each other.

Before I was fired last week, Abstinent Admirer had faded from potential boyfriend to friend to acquaintance to nothing. I am sure he went by on Monday to pay his rent and I am sure he was told that I no longer work there. And I am sure that some part of him was relieved. 

But in the absence of Abstinent Admirer, I am still, well, abstinent.

But why and for how long? Am I waiting for marriage like Abstinent Admirer was? That is a hard thing to do when one isn't really too keen on getting married. What am I waiting for then?

There are a couple guys--like Skinny Waiter who (I think) I made out with on the night I lost my purse/shoes/dignity and Anal Sex Australian and Angsty Indie Film/Large Cucumber Guy who would happily take a dip in my enchanted pool but the thought of having sex with any of them totally disgusts me. It is a path that I have been down before many times: Having sex with men who just want sex from me as if is some kind of final prize on which they pretend to hang their happiness.

I want to have sex in a relationship where there is love and trust. I know that sounds kinda old fashioned for a Singlutionary but why the heck not? At the same time sex within a loving respectful relationship seems as far away as peace on earth or a steady paycheck.

I had a date with Teapot on Sunday. I don't want to write too much about it at this juncture (since this is not a dating blog) but it did make me wonder: When is it appropriate for ME to have sex again? What do I want to do/feel/see/understand/believe before I have sex. How do I want that all to play out?

So far my abstinence has been about not getting hurt (although I was hurt anyways by Abstinent Admirer) and not repeating the same experience I've repeated too many times before. But what happens after that? How do I get to the point where I'm having a new kind of experience and what do I want this new experience to be like?

I haven't quite figured all of that out yet. But it is interesting to think about. I've never thought about this before. I've said things like: "I don't want to have sex until the 3rd date or until we've been together 3 months" but I've never thought about how I wanted to FEEL before having sex. 

So I guess at this juncture in my life I am opening up to being in a relationship. But that is another post altogether. 

Heathen Family Home Evening

This week I had Heathen Family Home Evening ((H)FHE) with my sister. We plan to have (H)FHE every Monday night just like a normal mormon family but she had to work late this past Monday so we had it on Tuesday instead. 

Family Home Evening is one of those things I picked up on when I lived in Utah. And since me and my sister are on the periphery of mormonism but definitely not real mormons by any stretch of the imagination we jokingly call it "Heathen FHE". 

This week was kinda the first week of this new tradition. For the past year, my sister and I didn't really talk to each other. She is 8 years younger than me and had to go out in the world and grow up and now she is an adorable, sweet, responsible young woman who is gracefully and bravely continuing to live her life in the wake of her mother's sudden death a few weeks ago. 

After all the dust settled from the funeral and we both made it safely back home, I asked her if she would have (H)FHE with me every Monday. 

I enjoy FHE because, while it is about family, to me it is really about community: It is not an exclusive activity, but an inclusive one. My sister and I have FHE at my house and my roommates come and go with their stories and conversations and it would also be OK to include a friend or even a stranger. We just spend time making and eating dinner and catching up with each other about the week or doing a simple project like making ice cream or creating post cards. Its really basic. And that is why I like about it. It is a night to honor the folks who are, for whatever reason, in my living room that night. And its one night a week which is dedicated to celebrating the joy and love that these people bring into my life. It doesn't matter if they've been in my life 21 years or 21 hours. I just matters that they're here and that we all are appreciative of each other's existence. 

Our culture seems to be set up for people to honor their spouse of their partner in many ways on many days through out the year. We also have ways to show love and appreciation for our parents and children (if you've got 'em). But what about everyone else? Since college I've started to feel like the only way to honor friends is to take them out to dinner or to throw a party all of which requires driving around town and parking and spending a lot of money and energy and often leaves me so exhausted that I wish I didn't have any friends to begin with. 

Setting aside one night a week to gather with the folks who are important in my life feels incredibly comforting and rewarding. Observing Heathen Family Home Evening is a great way to make a habit of honoring everyone in my life: my sister, my roommates, my friends and my Singlutionary dog. We sit around and share good company, laughter, simple homemade food and (if your heathen like me) a bottle of wine. But really we mainly sit around being grateful for each other.  

Call it whatever you want but I heart this new tradition. And I heart it even more because it has nothing to do with spending or status. Its really about just being us, whoever we are, no matter what we're going through. 

Love and Other Disasters

I've posted before (partially) in jest about my enjoyment of flatulaughter (laughing and farting at the same time) but I didn't know that other people were out there making hilarious analogies between farting and relationships as well. Today, as I was enjoying a random online netflix experience, I came across this hilarious scene in the film Love and other Disasters staring Brittany Murphy.

I hope you find this clip as awesome as I did:

True Love

One of my former lovers, Crazy Pot Farmer, is in the hospital with serious head injuries. This is how I found out: His cousin posted a bulletin on myspace asking people to pray for her cousin, Crazy Pot Farmer, who was, at the time, in critical condition (he is now stable although I don't know how extensive his head injuries may be). My sister saw his cousins post and forwarded it to me. So I learned from myspace that someone who I love had a brush with death and may or may not recover. But why do I feel glad to have been informed that Crazy Pot Farmer is in the hospital? How does my knowing his condition help anyone? He hasn't been a part of my life in a long time so what does it really have anything to do with me? Does this even really affect my life? Especially in comparison to the lives of his mother and the rest of his gigantic family who are deeply affected by this on a day to day, moment by moment level?

All of this made me think about relationships and about, well, love. Love is the underlying connector between people. When we talk about love we tend to talk about it in romantic terms or in terms of family. Love, in the context of non-family, non-romantic relationships seems watered down and not the "real thing". People talk about finding their "one true love" as if all the other love in their life was false. Especially when friends and lovers slip out of our lives, the love seems to become null and void, to fade in validity as time goes on. When friendships fade away we talk about the love in past tense: "We used to be friends. I used to love him." 

I would like to argue that we extend and empower our definition of love to include friendships, past and present. Even when there is no longer a practical connection, there is still love. I can love an infinite number of people but I can only keep in contact with a limited few. But that doesn't mean that I love the ones I fell out of touch with any less truly.

If I say, "I still love Crazy Pot Farmer", it sounds as if I am IN LOVE with him in this complicated way and can't move on. But that isn't the case. Crazy Pot Farmer and I had/have an on-again-off-again mutually abrasive friendship where we most of the time enjoyed annoying the crap out of one another. Like many friendships it was casual. We would connect every now and again when life threw us together. 

But the casualness of our relationship doesn't discredit the times we did connect or the lastingness of that connection. Crazy Pot Farmer, while crazy, is also one of my kindred spirits. It is rare to feel as if you really know someone at the core of who they are, to feel as if their soul and your soul walked out of all the things which usually bind us and went swimming together. When this happens craziness and compatibility and lifestyle don't matter because the soul knows nothing of socially acceptable behavior. I was never in love with Crazy Pot Farmer. We were/are friends with occasional benefits but there is still true love there.

The last time I saw him was at his mom's house. I was there visiting and he was there with his girlfriend. We were all swimming. He and I were polite socially but a little aloof (I'm sure he didn't want the girlfriend to know that we used to be lovers) until we bumped into each other in the garage. Nobody else was around and for a moment we exchange a few sentences about the house and a photo on the fridge from the old days. But in that 2.5 minutes we exchanged lifetimes of intimacy and friendship. On the surface our human mouths were moving and words were being exchanged. But underneath all that our souls were doing somersaults on the trampoline. And then we went back out into the real world and our souls went back into hiding. 

Just because Crazy Pot Farmer's soul and my soul are no longer practicing their synchronized swimming routine every week or that our bodies are no longer having sex every now and again doesn't mean that the connection is any less valid. Sex might be in the past tense now but our souls live on. Even if Crazy Pot Farmer's brain doesn't. 

A serious accident like Crazy Pot Farmer's is far more traumatic for the people who are a part of his daily life and who have been a part of his daily life for as long as he has been alive. His mother, for instance, raised him as a single mother from the time she was 15 years old. I am not trying to compare our little soul dance with theirs. I am just trying to say that the love which exists in the nooks and crannies of life isn't any less true than the love people share in broad daylight. 

Singlutionary Short Circuits

I have about five drafts that I can't seem to finish. I write this blog as I discover things myself and as I learn how to live a more Singlutionary life. These days I have many thoughts but they're all in a jumble and I can't seem to come to any conclusions. So be prepared for an onslaught of posts just as soon as my brain works out this crazy equation. 

In the meantime, here is my only clear thought:

I finally quit match.com! And I'm pretty certain that I do not want a boyfriend right now. Actually, I am absolutely certain that I do not want to date and I do not want to be in a relationship. I've got too many things to do with my life before I want to get involved in someone else's. 

But in the past few months I've been getting back to my naturally active self and abandoning the sleep-all-day-in-despair-and-exhaustion self which ruled the roost for pretty much all of 2008. I've been doing lots of things that I already love and I bet that, if I wanted to date, I would be able to find potential quality friends and lovers all over the place. All I would have to do is to turn my head to the side and look around and smile at people. Right now, I am still in survival mode a little bit, getting in and getting out and not making eye contact with anyone. I am still conserving my energies, keeping it to myself, unwilling to share. I am still charging up my batteries after letting them be sucked dry. 

But when I do dare to look around I see interesting people. And surprisingly, not all of them are wearing giant wedding bands. And even more surprisingly, none of them look like freeloading freaks.

Here are some places that I joyfully frequent and where I believe I am far more likely to make a love connection (plutonic or romantic) than on the ole computer:

The hike and bike trail on the lake

The 2 mile secret loop where single walkers with dogs abound

The gym

My mailbox

The local swimming hole

The new organicy food grocery store that just went in down the street

The organic garden store

Dog training class

In the past, I never thought it was possible to strike up a conversation or meet someone in say, the grocery store. It seemed too forced especially when my first question was: "Are you single" and my next question was: "Do you want to marry me?" Of course I'm not going to be able to make casual conversation with all that pressure looming over me. 

When I was in the place of single-as-desperate instead of single-and-satisfied, it was really hard to get to know people in random places. But now that I am learning to be who I am and enjoy my life I wouldn't be afraid to talk to someone in dog class or on the hike and bike trail because I would just be chatting. I'm not looking for anything, just enjoying my life. And if the other person is like: "You freak. Ew. Quit talking to me. You stink." I would be like: "Hey, I actually do stink a little bit but its not like your pits are all pristine in this weather either." And I would go on my merry way. 

Working Relationship

As my match.com experiment is coming to a close, I realize that I have learned quite a bit from dating. It wasn't anything I didn't already know but dating allowed me to put into practice my newfound standards, boundaries and ideals. I'm happy to say that I am no longer a desperate dater and I now have the experience and newfound confidence to prove it.

This freedom from desperate dating comes from knowing myself and enjoying my life. Its a lot harder to compromise myself into oblivion when I already love the life I am living. If a date doesn't call me I don't sit around thinking about all the things I might change about myself so that I would be more acceptable or attractive, I just shrug my shoulders and go look at the pumpkin vine in my backyard and marvel at how fast it is growing. I no longer expect first dates to lead to second dates which then lead to happily-ever-after. In fact, I don't expect some knight in shining armor to walk into my life, be perfectly compatible with me and sweep me off my feet. I'm just not worried about it.

Plus, its hard to sweep me off my feet without a struggle. I don't want to ride off into the sunset. I want to watch my garden grow and harvest the vegetables and carve jack-o-lanterns. I have roots and I have dreams and I'm not particularly keen on being carried off on a horse so that I can clean someone else's stables. 

I'm unwilling to give up the good things about myself in order to please or appease another person.

Lately, I'm having a parallel revelation in regards to my (nonexistent) acting career. I've spent so much time trying to be acceptable and marketable that I have totally forgotten who I am as an actor. I don't even enjoy acting. I don't even remember what good acting feels like. All I do is try and figure out what the agent, casting director, coach, client wants me to be. 

No wonder it isn't working out.

Just like any relationship-gone-wrong, I went into acting for love. I loved the way I felt when I was acting, I loved telling stories and I loved the way movies are made. I loved the collaboration and the project-centered work and I thought I had something to contribute. And I most likely did and I most certainly still do. 

But then came the advice. Relationships and acting are two things that everyone seems to unreservedly give advice on even if they suck at them themselves (look at me and all the relationship advice I give, for example)! Here is some of the advice I would constantly get as an actor: Why don't you change your image? Have nice nails, get a good haircut, look more asian, wear brighter colors, be skinny. Why don't you work on your audition technique? Don't blink too much, be confident, be relaxed, learn to speak with accents, learn to cheerlead, learn to ride a horse, learn martial arts. Why don't you: move there or move here or attend this function or that function or talk to this cousin of mine or that friend of my sister or why don't you hang out at this coffee shop? Why don't you take this class because the teacher is awesome and then you have to take that workshop because it will change your life and then you have to kiss this person's ass because it tastes like marshmallows. 

And in all this din, somewhere, was me. But I was fading by the second. No wonder I didn't feel confident and relaxed when I knew that inherently I had already screwed up by not having the right skills, the right personality, the right clothes, the right look. 

I don't know when it happened exactly, but over time this relationship stopped being about love and became about trying to be someone or something I am not so that I could be more attractive, more desirable, more bookable. And what for? What was I trying to attract? Did I really want to book that commercial with the cheesy script after all? How desperate was I for money/acceptance/success? How much money had I already spent on trying to improve my image or my resume? How much career success in other fields had passed me by while I was desperately trying to get ahead? How many days had I put off working on my car so I wouldn't have grease under my nails? How much of my own life had I sacrificed for this career and what was I getting out of it?

Nothing. 

So I'm breaking up with show business. One day I'd like to be friends with it but on my own terms; with dirt under my nails and wearing Birkenstocks (I don't really own any Birkenstocks but I couldn't find a better way to sum up my lack of desire to look like a proper Hollywood actress). Right now I just have to spend some time with myself and find an acting class which isn't about technique or auditioning and is just about acting for the sake of acting. Because good stories are still worth telling. And somewhere inside me there is still a good actor and I really need to find her. 

Awesomely enough, in the synchronicity of single blogs, Christina at Onely posted a humorous bit today about her romantic entanglements with her writing (aka Mr. Mike Rosoft Word).

On a Whim or The Singlution is Catching

The Bachelor (if you hate this show as much as I do, you can skip this part)

1. I don't usually watch TV but today I went over to my bosslady's house and she was watching The Bachelor: After the Rose. I was incensed. Basically, Jason (the Bachelor) breaks off his engagement to Melissa and then turns around and tells the other girl, Molly, who he dumped 6 weeks ago that he is in love with her. The crazy crazy thing is that this same exact scenario just happened to me this past year in REAL LIFE. And the guy's name was Jason. And the other girl's name was Melissa. My name is not Molly but close enough. Anyways, I didn't take him back (my reaction was more like Melissa's).

2. Singles (especially singles over 25) seem to be perceived as people who can't settle down, commit or make up their minds. For some reason, people who are satisfied, Singlutionary-style singles get this bad wrap even worse. If you're desperately seeking company you're at least TRYING to be "normal" (coupled) but if you're solidly single then there is something wrong with you. 

3. Jason and Molly are desperate daters. I think anyone who tries to find love on a reality TV show is a desperate dater. Sorry. But Kudos to Melissa for telling Jason to get out of her life. I hope she sticks to it and spends time figuring out how fantastic she is so that she never ever ever dates a flakey ass man like that again. If she were really a desperate dater she would sit around pining away for him, wasting her time and her life, hoping that he will come back to her. Melissa, welcome to the Singlution!!

I've Decided to Take a Break from My Acting "Career"

1. Sometimes I wonder if I am a flake myself. Last year at about this time I decided to quit real estate to pursue acting full time but I am so sick of acting and the acting world and all the crap that comes along with being an actor that I am ready for a nice long break. I want to change my hair whenever I want without worrying about shooting schedules or keeping my headshots up-to-date. I want to go around without any makeup on and not care. I want to not have to think about my "image" in general. And, most importantly, I want a nice normal schedule that doesn't get jacked up all the time by annoying auditions.

2. I think that some people might think I live my life on a whim but this decision (like the real estate one) was long in coming. It seems that I do the right thing but always at the very worst time. I went into real estate right as the market crashed and I went into acting just as all the movies abandoned my state for greener pastures. 

3. I wonder if its easier to make these decisions because I am single. I used to wish that I were coupled because I thought that I would a) have support in making tough decisions, b) someone to discuss these difficult things with, c) financial support when my money-life changed and d) something/one to focus my energies on when everything else falls apart. But many of these things are really fallacies. Making a decision in a relationship could be so much harder because of how it impacts the relationship or because of how one person or the other PERCEIVES that it will impact the relationship. And because of the wonderful network of social support all around me, I have support in my decisions, people to discuss the rough patches with and people to write letters to when everything is going to hell in the handbasket. 

4. What will I fill my life with in the absence of acting? Well, its already full which is part of the reason that I need a break! I have my bosslady, I have this blog, I have my house and my dog. (Gross, that just rhymed!) I have a ton of projects on the back burner and there are some things I have been longing to do for a while now: learning to shoot, learning other languages, swimming, getting into shape, camping again, visiting my west coast homeland and various other travels, writing a book and a movie and a short movie and another book, recreational singing, finally planting a garden and keeping it alive, etc. 

I'm not a Desperate Actor

(This is the moral of the story.)

This whole Singlutionary concept is starting to seep into other parts of my life. As an actor I've pretty much been willing to do any project at any time. And in a way, this is expected of actors. I am saying "hell no" to that. Sorry. Just because I am not famous doesn't mean that I HAVE to accept an audition for something that I find disgusting (and I find most things disgusting). It also doesn't mean that I have to re-arrange my schedule and risk my sleep/health to go to an audition or be on set. And I most certainly refuse to look like a fancypants skinny bitch all the time. I just want to be myself and live life on my own terms. So I am taking a break to figure out how I can be an Actorlutionary. I know its possible but its going to take a few small adjustments in my outlook. 

Is there any other part of your life where Singlutionary principles of non-desperation apply? How does the Singlution seep out into other parts of your life?

Practicing Singlutionary Dating

I started out on match.com a couple days ago so that I could look at available men and refine my idea of what I want. I realized that I've changed so much since becoming the Singlutionary that what I THOUGHT I wanted in a man (or in a friend or in any person central in my life) has changed too. I just don't know what the new vision is. 

But online dating has been so FUN that I am going to continue and even pay for it. My 20 bucks a month is money well spent if it can help me refine and define what kind of person I want to welcome into my world and how I go about interacting with potential dates. 

Unlike dating in the past, I don't feel that sense of dread or angst or need. I no longer feel like I am going to be so depressed if the hot Republican (yes, I said Republican) doesn't respond to my "wink". This is merely a process of getting to know myself better, to observe what kind of man I attract and what kind of man I am attracted to. And if I go on some dates and meet some cool guys or even fall in love in the process, well, heck. That is just the jalapeno on the taco!

Tool Academy

One of my roommates hooked us up with magic cable. I've rarely lived in a house with cable so it sucks me in pretty easily.

I have a creepy love for gross dating shows. So I was watching Vh1's Rock of Love. It was this fabulous episode where one of the girls busts a boob playing hockey. And then that girl takes all the dirty hockey socks out of the locker. Or maybe it was another blonde girl who's boobs weren't leaking. I honestly have a hard time telling the girls apart. Anyways. Yes. I admit. I watched this garbage.

But that was just a ho-ho appetizer. The main course was a show called Tool Academy. I though this might have something to do with fixing up your house or your car or nifty gadgets or even how to use tools if you are a total idiot. Nope. Its about really really awful guys who have no sense of decency of any kind and their sad desperate dating, wah-wah-waiting girlfriends.

These "tools" are so lousy to their girlfriends that I can only ask: Why are these girls still with them? How much proof do you need that the guy is a total jerk before you dump him? Is "love" really worth all of this?

The "tools" are being tested and must improve or they'll be kicked out of the Tool Academy. On this particular episode it turns out that one Tool had two girlfriends and he swaps the out the one he came to Tool University with for the one who just showed up.

This guy was NOT the one who was eliminated.

Please PEOPLE (men and women)! If you are dating someone who treats you like this and who isn't making you life better and you aren't even MARRIED, do yourself a favor and turn around and run straight in the other direction. It is not going to get better! You are most likely dating a sociopath.

The most disturbing thing to me about this show isn't how awful the guys are (obviously they aren't really interested in being in a serious relationship and their sense of identity is based on some sort of misplaced machoism) but that these women are so intent on sticking by them.

Singlutionary says: No tools for me (unless we're talking power drills and ratchets). 

Flatulaughter Love

I guess that the guys on craigslist weren't into flatulaughter. My post was flagged and removed after one day. I was sad because I think I was serious about the whole thing. 

Thats OK. I've been eating dried fruit and beans ever since.

Making Room

The next blog is gonna be about going to bed.

Some of my days are super long and some are super short. Today was one of those days that felt super short. I had a short list of things to do and instead ended up doing a zillion other things which were more important and which took a long time. Overall I had a great day except I was so busy doing it that I can't remember where it went.

I realize that this past week, I have had no extra space in my life. I've gotten up early and gone to bed late and in between I was figuring out one thing or another all day long. Still, I am grateful that my life is flexible enough that I can skip the short list and re-prioritize so that I can do the things which need to be done in the moment. If I still worked a 9-5 type job, I might not be as able to do this. If I had children, I might not be able to do this. And if I were in a relationship, I might not be able to BE this busy and decide to throw myself so much into doing what needs to be done because I would have a whole other person to consider.

There are weeks like this in everyone's lives. Parents of young children might have it the worst (or the best depending who you're talking to) in this regard. Still, whether you're single or coupled there are days, weeks, months and sometimes even years which are so packed full of living that they are hard to recollect when they are all over.

Even things which we don't give much credence to in our culture (like taking a nice healthy turd or cleaning the toilet) take up space.

So if you're newly single remember this: the empty space where your spouse/partner/lover once stood is merely an opening for a new and potentially exponentially more wonderful relationship (and who knows, that relationship might just end up being, at first, with yourself).

If you've chronically single (and sick of it) remember this: We all make space for things and at the same time deny space for other things. Pay attention to what you are permitting into your blank space and what you are rejecting. 

If you're a desperate dater, remember this: Do not allow someone who want to be "just friends" (but then wants to flirt with you until your cooter/weewee aches) to take up all your time. You are allowing an annoying -selfish-shallow-self-involved hussy/douche to take up your space. Keep that space free and clear for the person of your dreams. 

If you are a pitiful piner, remember this: Fill that sad sad sad empty space with something you'd like to do once you're no longer single. Take a step towards the life you want instead of gazing at it from the distance. Hold your own hand and pull your face into the sun and then play tonsil hockey with the sky. Or something like that. But do something in the direction of your fantasy even if it makes you feel *gasp* a little satisfied with being by yourself or *double gasp* with a friend.

And if you're coupled, remember this:

Dude. I am the Singlutionary. I am in no way qualified to give advice to coupled people. Maybe the purple turtle will chime in.