Sayonara Sexless Suitor

In my personal offline life, I am a very private person. I like to keep my feelings to myself and folks outside my inner circle would rarely know that something is wrong, even when it is.

I also like to think, during the good times, that I have everything all figured out, that I'm wise and learn from my mistakes and can carry forward without fear of failure. And honestly, that isn't a bad way to live life.

Except, sometimes I do fail.

The past week has beaten me up. I'm exhausted. There are so many things I need to write about and I don't even know where to begin.

But to begin with, I must throw Sexless Suitor out the window. I must. The thing is that I didn't realize how much I liked him. I was busy living my life and going about my business and I thought that would protect me somehow. I still have a full life but I DO crave relevant connection. I DO crave physical affection. I don't know how to NOT crave these things. But pretending that I wasn't craving them got me into trouble. That is where, I think, I made my mistake.

I haven't been honest with myself. I am not 100% Singlutionary-ized like some of the folks who frequent this site. Or maybe I WAS and then something changed. And that something is that my life slowed down into a routine and I wasn't constantly busy. I had room for a new friend and I was willing to welcome Abstinent Admirer into my life. And Abstinent Admirer was great. He admired me, he liked me for who I was. He made my work days and my walks around the lake less boring. And then he asked me on a date and became my Sexless Suitor.

But Sexless Suitor sucks. He sends me mixed messages, he won't touch me although he is very emotionally intimate with me. It hurts and confuses me like crazy.

I spend a week not knowing what to do, frozen in confusion. And then I talked to one of my best married Singlutionary friends. And she said: "Obviously he isn't good enough for you. If you were giving advice to yourself as the Singlutionary, that is what you would say."

And I knew she was right. 

Feeling hurt and confused after one date is great because it is an early sign that one should turn around and run full force in the opposite direction before getting trapped in the mire.

I was frozen in confusion because I was trying too hard to figure him out, figure out what was wrong with me or him or the situation. And its not worth it. Its not worth exhausting myself over.

Still, I am sad that this has ended. I admired my admirer. He was a new friend, a new presence in my life with a new perspective. I don't often meet people that I admire and appreciate like that. 

But through the past week, I've had my friends and roommates rally around me. They've fed and walked my dog, given me rides (my car also broke down this week), commiserated with me, offered to lend me money (the roommate who disappeared in the middle of the night also stopped payment on her rent check nearly causing my mortgage payment to bounce) and bought me midnight brownies at the place with my favorite skinny waiter. I've had plenty of shoulders to cry on. 

I have plenty to be grateful for. 

Long Term Singlutionaries

I am new to dating. I never really dated before. I just jumped into bed and into love with strangers. When I was in college I tried the same tactics with making friends: I decided I wanted a person to be my new best friend and I would get their phone number and then invite them to EVERYTHING under the sun. My true best friend and roommate at the time tried to explain to me that things don't work that way with friends. She said that I needed to wait a while, talk to them after class and then find a way (after a period of time) to invite them to a relevant social activity.

I thought that was absurd. I mean, I'd already decided they were my new best friend. Or, in the case of men, I'd already decided they were my future husband. 

Ironically, one of the many things I find strange about dating now is the underlying assumption (which is mostly true in my age range) that we both seeking a long term relationship which ideally culminates in marriage.

In some ways I like asking, right at the get-go: "Is this person someone I would want around for the rest of my life" because most of the time the answer is a clear "no". Most of the time I can put a pretty clear prediction on how long a relationship with this person would last: One day, two weeks, four months, one year. I haven't met anyone yet who would last for even a year.

Here is what I realized this morning: I take the same approach when it comes to friends: I am at a point in my life where if I can't see our friendship being mutually enjoyable for more than a year, I'm not interested. 

Gosh. How rude. When it comes to friendship, it seems like we're supposed to open the floodgates to any and all applicants. But I invest a lot in all of my relationships and I don't have a ton of social time. I would rather being doing projects around the house and saving up my friendship energies for a "real" friendship than be out whoring around with one-night-friends.

This revelation has brought me so much relief!

1. Now I don't feel so awful about not pursuing a lot of female friendships. I have been worried for a long time now that I am secretly cultivating some very NON Singlutionary habits, one of which is devaluing friendship and perceiving friendship as merely a filler until I find my true romantic partner. I've also been thinking that I'm a closeted misogynist. Why is is that new female friendships either haven't kept my interest or have been downright annoying? Now I realize that I just haven't met the "right one(s)"! Finding new friends is like dating: If the friendship won't last more than a year, I'm just not interested.

2. Dating using this one year perspective is extraordinarily useful. In the past I would have gone on one date and then sat around for months trying to figure out how I could squish this stranger into my life and make him fit. That is crazy! Now I don't feel bad after the un-success of each and every dating encounter because I realize that what I am seeking is very specific. There is an exact shape--some sort of a polygon--and that is the shape of a person who would fit into my life (and I into theirs). So I'm like a child going through all these pegs trying to find the one that I can fit into the correct hole. Except now the shapes are far more complicated than circle, square, triangle. Instead they are these beautiful complex shapes. I look at the peg's shape (the date) and I appreciate it but it still doesn't fit into my uniquely shaped hole (make all the sex/penis/vagina jokes you want in the comments but I like this analogy)!

3. This whole peg/hole thing is a game. It doesn't have to be torturous full of rejection and all that. It doesn't even have to be played constantly. I can be out in the world and find some peg that might work and then forget about it for three weeks and then finally try it out. I don't need a peg to feel full or to fully function or to have joy and love and laugher in my life. The peg/hole game is kinda fun but there are other things I'd like to do too-- other learning endeavors. 

So that is my revelation for today. I am a long term Singlutionary and I like it this way!

Before I Singlutionized

Lately I've been reflecting on the past year of my life. At the same time I've been mulling over the words I most frequently hear from people who aren't "getting" the Singlution: "I want to have fun." 

A year ago I was one of those people who couldn't grasp the Singlution. I thought that "He's Just Not that Into You" (the book and the concept, not the movie) was hecka lame. I wanted to go out and pursue what I wanted. I made up lies that I told myself over and over again about the guys I was into and how they really liked me even though they didn't even hint at it. Now I am hearing the same words come out of other people's mouths and I am thinking: What the heck was wrong with my self esteem?

One year ago today I was deep deep in a crush on this guy who was completely wrong for me. The pickings in my circle were slim and he was single and he was fairly hot. And he flirted with me. He also lived with his parents and had almost been kicked out of the military. I'll admit that I like big tall buff guys and this guy was that "type". He had nice toned abs (although they were so hairy you had to feel 'em to believe 'em) and was tall and Texan and generally a kind guy. His Singlutionary name will be Hhabs (for hot hairy abs). Anyways, HHABS flirted with me when we saw each other but he never called me or asked me out. I decided this was just because he was insecure and didn't know how hot he was and because he lived with his parents. I excused the fact that he lived with his parents on the nobility of his leaving the military for personal reasons (I didn't know then that he was almost kicked out). The highlight of our non-existent relationship is when we sat next to each other and he let our thighs touch for about a hour and a half. 

Wow! I pined away for this guy? I spent nights dreaming of him and of how one day he would buck up and ride into my life on his longhorn, saving me from the strain and stress that was my daily life? I desperately (tried to) dated him by asking him to do things (which he always declined) and I figured out ways for him to give me a ride or for us to interact outside of our social circle. I wah-wah-waited for him to save me from myself!

I've never thought of myself as someone with low self-esteem and neither have the people around me. I've often been told that I don't seem to care what anyone thinks. People admire me for my independence, my bravery, my outspokenness, my confidence. Ahhhhh. Who said that our greatest strengths are also our greatest weakness?

Although I didn't seem to lack confidence, I seemed to lack some essential appreciation of my excellent life. I had no idea that I should simply sit back and admire not Hhabs's abs but my own wonderful house, my own creative creations, the communities I'd built and helped to build in my own city, etc. 

I might not have lacked confidence but I felt that something was lacking. I felt that I needed someone (anyone) to complete me. The life I had built for myself was not complete without *someone* to share it with. What I didn't realize was, at the same time, there were so many people in my life already that I was drowning in the sharing! 

A year ago today I was not the Singlutionary. I had no idea how to live a Singlutionized life or even where to begin. And I wish I could tell you exactly (simple step by simple step) how I got to here from there but I can't. It was a fairly brutal journey with a lot of hurt, loneliness and eventually, transformation. 

Yes, everyone should have fun! But there is NOTHING fun about pining away for the wrong person or in over-thinking a makeout session gone wrong. I have lots of fun living my life free from these shackles! There is nothing un-fun about the Singlution! I do what I want when I want and I am open to romantic relationships in my life. I'm just not dying for them.