Sticky Single Social Situations

Every activity comes with a community, even something as solitary as blogging. Of course, my blog friends never invite me to go out for drinks after a long day of blogging. And this is just fine with me (although in the early days of Singlutionary, Onely & I discussed a Singlutionary-Onely camping meetup somewhere in the USA).

The social nature of a work community can be an important one. It can also be incredibly annoying. I love my co-workers and I think they're good people but they're not my best friends. I don't want to go out after work with them to drink and I don't want to hang out with them outside of work. I am happy for them and their lives but for the most part I'm not interested in celebrating their birthdays, graduations, baby shower, moving, etc.

If I'm going to carve out social time in my life, I would prefer it be with the good friends that I rarely get to see.

What is the best way to politely decline social invitations from co-workers? I appreciate their humor and commraderie at work but I'm not interested in extending that work-friendship into what would be a social obligation outside of work.

Let me put it this way: If I'm not being paid to be around them, I wouldn't choose to be.

That is so RUDE! I know. But it is true.

So how do I avoid these social traps, these persistent invitations?

The 1st rule is: Don't start. Don't say "yes" ever. Sometimes I accept the offer once because I think that then I'll have put in my time and I won't feel so bad about saying "no" next week and the week after that and the week after that. But it doesn't work that way. I say "yes" once and suddenly there is this outside-of-work-bond, an expectation that there will be more socializing to follow.

The 2nd rule is: Always be busy. It is harder single and childless people to beg off from after work social activities. It is rude to say "Oh, I'd love to go out with you tonight but I have this book that I am really into" but it is totally OK to say "I'd love to go out tonight but my partner is waiting for me". So, as a single person, you have to make up "important" things to do that someone else will hold you accountable for the next day -- like another job or homework or some kind of volunteer activity. Or you could just tell the truth. But honestly, if we're talking about people who would be understanding of my desire to read a book rather than shoot the shit with them for 4 hours, they might actually be outside-of-work-friend material.

The 3rd rule is: Be vague. If you say, "I'd love to but I run at 6am every Saturday morning" you might find yourself with an unwelcome running companion or being asked to join every running group under the sun. Maybe this is welcome to you -- if so, great! That means that your work community is a good match for you socially. Currently, mine is not. So here is a vague answer, "I'd love to but I have to get up super early tomorrow to get some stuff done before noon".

These are my well practiced tactics for avoiding the after-work hangout but what about the facebook invite? People invite you via facebook and they act like its a real invitation. The 1st line of resistance would be to not have a facebook or have a facebook that is so secret that only your most inner circle of 5 people can find you. Of course, that totally defeats the whole purpose of facebook which is to kill time by making yourself feel depressed about how sexy and successful all your former classmates are.

I like to pretend I didn't see the facebook invite. But what do I do when I get asked about it in person? What do I do when I really do like and appreciate the person but simply don't want to spend non-work time with them when time is at such a precious premium?

I don't know. Not attend? Attend for a few minutes and then leave? Get them a card and give it to them at work in lieu of attending said celebration.

I am sure that the celebration would be fun. But it just isn't high enough up on my list of how I'd like to spend my time.

Coupled folks can always use the other person as an excuse but singles have to get creative.

There are all kinds of important relationships and work relationships have sustained me many times through out my single life. But at this particular juncture, at this particular job, I'd like to leave them at work. No matter how much I appreciate them as humans.

Match-a-holic

I think I posted a couple weeks ago on how I was giving up on match.com.

Well. I did. And then I didn't. After the initial excitement wore off, I put it on the backburner. I would get some winks and sometimes I would wink back but for the most part I felt like the quality of guys on match.com matches the quality of guys peeing on the street in front of a bar. 

But then a couple interesting people caught my attention and I've taken a new attitude towards online dating. I've never really understood dating mainly because I felt like I needed to make up my mind about someone before I even went on a date with him. In other words, if I were to go on one date with a guy it was because I'd already decided I wanted to marry him. 

What I've realized (finally, duh) about dating is that its easy! You go on one date and then decide if you want to go on another. There is no commitment involved. I don't have to hump the guy, I don't have to kiss the guy, I don't even have to LIKE the guy afterwards. 

So I have been on one date so far. This was several weeks ago. I went on a date with a hot doctor. He was super cute and I think I was super cute and it wasn't a bad date at all. I would have gone on a second date with him but he didn't call and so I forgot about him. Rejected! Nice and simple. I knew at our first date that we weren't going to get married and I could tell that he didn't "get" me. And for people who don't "get" me and my crazy sense of humor, I wouldn't be surprised if I am completely exhausting to be around.

I have another date this week with a nice engineer. I usually don't date engineers and I am totally against dating software engineers (been there, done that) but this one has been very nice and consistent and so I've decided to give him a chance. 

I don't have much of a social life these days. Actually, I think my social life is normal for the amount I work, for being sick and for being a homeowner with a dog (which means I spend a lot of time at home--like a lot of couples). Lately, I've been enjoying the social life that match.com is providing for me. I get to check out guys online and then maybe go on a date with them. It only takes up a couple hours a week and its very simple and doesn't spill over into other areas of my life. I email the guys back when I feel like it and when I have time. The rest of my time is spent maintaining the relationships I already have in my life and sleeping and eating and working! And I like learning about people and what they want and how they interact. 

Ahhhhh. I love simplicity. I love dating. And deep down, I love rejection because it is so clear and sharp and honest and it gives me the space for the next new thing to come forward! I love match.com!

Makeout Prizes

I know that I am the Singlutionary and I usually have all the answers but here is one that I can't quite figure out. I am hoping that someone has some advice for me:

Have you ever wanted to hand out makeout sessions to people who do a really good job at something? I just feel like: I'm single. You're single. And you impressed me. You deserve a nice little makeout session. 

However, I haven't had much luck at just making out with a friend/coworker/relative/etc and having it not become hecka complicated. In general, I am not particularly good at JUST making out. This is a skill I would like to develop. I wish making out was like a friendly hug or a handshake or a nice punch in the arm. That would be fun. But only if I am the one doling out the prizes. 

The Singlution on Craigslist

There are a lot of really desperate daters on craigslist. I am truly impressed not only by the quantity of people looking for love but the quantity of people just looking for SOMETHING. Here is my very own post to craigslist personals:

Gas + Laughter = Love (W4M)

I am looking for someone who takes as much delight in farting-while-laughing as I do. It is such a joyful feeling to laugh from both ends at the same time. I'll have to admit that on the rare occasion that I find myself flatulaughing, I am usually so delighted by the experience that I continue to giggle for days just at the mere thought of it. 

Is there anyone out there who feels the same way? 

I imagine us sitting around laughing and (hopefully) simultaneously and spontaneously farting which will only make us laugh harder. We'll see where things go from there.

My last boyfriend would leave the room whenever I would flatulaugh which really hurt my feelings. I am not sure if he lacked a sense of humor or if he was intimidated by my exuberant windiness. 

I am a S(mostly W)F. I am not looking for a LTR, just a flatulaugh friend or two (I am open to polyflatulaughamy). I am DDF, fit and healthy (I enjoy a diet of beans, cheese and raw vegetables). 

Singled Out: Coupled at the Hip

Even if you're a solidly, non-desperately satisfied single, there are some things which can be irritating. They usually have to do with interacting with couples.

I am not here to hate on couples or anything. The Singlution is STILL for everyone.

I'm just here to offer some guidelines for both single and coupled individuals to live in harmony.

To the Single People: 

Do you have a friend/relative/co-worker/other (FRCO) who for whatever reason can't be out of sight of his/her spouse/partner/bfriend/gfriend (SPBG) for more than 2 minutes? Does he/she want YOU to do EVERYTHING with the TWO of them? Is his/her SPBG annoying/boring/stinky/a conversation dominator? Does your FRCO invite you over for what you think is some friendly bonding time only to give you the bonding performance of a lifetime with her SPBG?

This situation seems to be one of those things that maddens single people and coupled people are just clueless about. Single people: you are not alone. This behavior his totally gross. Of course, you may have done it yourself at some point in your life and heck, you may even fall prey to it later in your life to torture your then spinster/sadbatchelor friends. Maybe you'll see it as paying forward the revenge.

Regardless, here are some suggestions on how to handle these kinds of situations:

1. Go on vacation from the friendship for about 2.5 years or the breakup (whichever comes first)

2. Counter each invitation with an offer to attend a spouse/parter/bfriend/girlfriend FREE event. e.g. girls/boys night out, an activity which you KNOW that the SPBG will be utterly repulsed by (although be careful. this can really backfire. and you'll end up backpacking with a SPBG in a miniskirt and platform hiking boots).

3. Tell your friend/relative/co-worker/other how you really feel (which brings us back to #1).

4. Bring a video camera, edit out all the boring parts and post the offensive ones in a comment!

To the Coupled People:

Are you so deeply in love that you can't see straight? Do you feel like you can't breathe when your lover/soulmate/husband/wife/fiancee (LSHWF) leaves the room? Do you want to spend every waking moment in his/her arms? Can you not imagine going a single day without seeing him/her? Do you NEED him to attend the baby shower or to give her a goodbye kiss before going to the bathroom?

I am so happy for you that you have found the love of your life. Learning and growing with another person is a wonderful, priceless thing and I wish you well in your life together. Now that you have found your one true love with whom you will spend all eternity its time to remember that other people exist in your life! Its important because although you may be spending eternity with your soul mate, in this life you may need some support from folks other than your LSHWF. What is something happens to your LSHWF? It will be so absolutely awful for you that you will NEED people to help you through that. So, for your own sake, please maintain the other relationships in your life even if being away from your LSHWF makes you ache from head to toe and you feel nauseous and break out into a cold sweat. You can survive a 45 minute lunch date with a friend/relative/coworker/other (FRCO). You can do it!

Here are some suggestions of easy ways to keep up with those other people in your life:

1. Assign one night a week (not Friday or Saturday of COURSE) to get together with a FRCO and actually do it and make sure your sweetie has a FRCO to get together also but NOT on a double date. The 1.5 hour absence will make your heart only grow fonder.

2. Email all your FRCOs from a computer snuggle with your sweetie but tell them about ANYTHING other than how much you love your LSHWF even if its about how badly you have to pee (but leave off the part about how you can't pee because you can't stand to untangle yourself from your LSHWF's arms).

3. Take advantage of the time that your LSHWF is on the pot with a super stinky turd to start calling up that long long long list of unreturned phone calls. You might want to start just by checking your voicemail.

4. Kill a lot of burdens with one stone and plan twin parties for you and your LSHWF. For the first two hours you will be with all your friends at one location and your LSHWF will be with all his/her friends at another location. Afterwards you can join the parties together. Just like a liberal bachelor/bachelorette party. 

Feeling Lonely? Meetup!

Three years ago I moved to a new city where I knew nobody at all. This was perhaps the most brave thing I had done in my life up until then. At the time, I didn't know how hard it would be to re-establish myself without any connections or how much I had taken for granted back home. 

But my bravery was rewarded and three years later I find myself with wonderful friends and part of excellent, supportive communities. (I am not in contact with one single guy I dated in the past three years, however.)

I now encounter, on a regular basis, other people moving here with few or no contacts. They are giving themselves a fresh start, getting a new job or chasing a dream just like I was (well, except the job part).

One of the easiest ways to get started in a new city (it does help to be in a city and not in the middle of nowhere) it to join meetup.com

Even if you've been in the same place for forever but you still find yourself with empty social time where you sit around feeling sorry for yourself, this is a great thing.

How it works:

You don't have to join to search. You enter your zip code or city and search for meetup groups by topic or actual events by date. 

Each meetup is led by a regular person (I used to lead one in my fair city and you could lead one too) who posts events and then members of that group get an email and can RSVP for the event. If you find a group that interests you and you find an event that works with your schedule and you actually show up, you'll meet other folks who are there to meet other folks and you already know that you have something in common. 

This is not a website for singles (although some groups are for singles or geared towards singles) but many of the events attract singles because they have the time and are looking to do something social and meet new people. 

My experience with meetup has been excellent. The larger groups have excellent turnout to their events so you know that you'll find someone cool to talk to. Also, meetup doesn't seem to attract the freaks so much. 

In todays day and age, unless you are part of a vibrant church or political community, you might find yourself alone on Saturday night. Don't pine away! Meetup!

I meetup-ed some cities for examples:

So if you live in, say, Bozeman, Montana (kinda sorta the middle of nowhere) there are 4 meetup groups you could join (Divorcees, Athiests, Ron Paulers and a Playgroup). Hopefully one of them floats your boat. OK. That was a horrible example. Apparently if you live in Bozeman, meetup is an awful suggestion and the best advice I can give you is to move to a bigger city.

How about Madison, Wisconsin? There are 83 meetups in Madison. So if you live in Bozeman, you might want to get a uhaul and head east.