Welcome to the Singlution!

No more desperate dating, pitiful pining and wahhhh-wahhhh-waiting!

New to the Singlution? Check out the Singlution FAQ.


Spread the Singlution LOVE! If this blog tickles your fancy, post a link to singlutionary.com on your facebook, myspace, twitter, forehead or just email all your Singlutionaries. Become a follower! Subscribe to the Singlution!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Independent Women Homeowners!

I was excited a couple weeks ago when I began to be followed on Twitter by Ginny Mees. Ginny has created a website for independent single women which, as far as I can tell, is pretty awesome and has potential to be even awesomer.

So on this Monday, I'd like to highlight WomenHomeowners.com


http://www.WomenHomeowners.com/

Check it out and tell me what you think and then come back here on Wednesday for my Singlutionary's House series!

Happy Monday!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Moving into the Master

This past week I moved. I didn't move very far-- just from one room down the hallway from another-- but it was a move none-the-less.

One of the ways I make ends meet is to rent out cute furnished rooms in my house. Last week, a longstanding roommate moved out-- she had rented the master bedroom from me before I began renting out furnished rooms-- and I had been sleeping, for a year, haphazardly, in the room which used to be my office. It was never a permanent situation and I never put it together. I rented out cute furnished rooms but I kept for myself a room which looked very much like a half-assed storage area/art studio/office/dog room. It was cluttered and it was crowded and it was a mess.

This week I finally moved into the master bedroom. Finally. So much space. My own bathroom. A walk-in closet.

The funny thing is that I have no bedroom furniture. Most of the stuff that was being stored in the first room was linens and art which ended up staying in there. I merely scooted my airbed down the hall and I was pretty much done.

In some ways I moved from one impermanent space to another. One day I will move out of this room and this house and start over again. But life feels so different. Moving is always a fresh start, even if just down the hall. And now there is breathing space, space to grow. I have the remaining artwork that I've collected leaning up against the walls in my new room, waiting to be hung. Stuff from the shared bathroom is now sitting my bathroom the counter, waiting to be sorted. Nothing is settled yet, but it is tidy and it is somehow incredibly beautiful in this transitional way.

I never thought I needed the master bedroom before. I didn't need that much space for just me when I could rent it out for income instead. Maybe a part of me was waiting for a partner to share the master bedroom with. Houses like mine are built for a traditional married couple to occupy the master bedroom with space for their growing family in the secondary rooms. A master is big enough for two, so isn't it just a waste of space for only one?

Since buying the house I have become the master of my home. I have stopped waiting, in small subconscious ways, to be partnered before beginning my life. So it makes sense that I would quit living in a secondary room and move on into the master bedroom.

I am taking up more space in other parts of my life too. For so long I have been holding this extra space empty, waiting for someone to come and and fill it. I remember for so long, sleeping only on one side of my queen bed, practicing to share it with a partner. In so many small ways I have not been taking up the space in my own life, leaving an empty area for someone else to fill. One side of the bed it only a few feet but it is a huge emptiness.

My life is big and I am going to grow into it. I have filled this whole house with peace and positive people and and I am going to fill my life outside of this house with the same.

I was always afraid that by filling up my own life to the brim, I was eliminating the possibility of having a partner. Maybe I am. But maybe life is big enough and flexible enough to continue to expand. And maybe living a masterfully awesomely big life is the ONLY way for me to find a suitable partner.

Either way, I'm just glad that there's no more wasted space! And excited to put together this last little corner of my home.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Thursday Giveaway: DatingTopics ToGo Cards

When I began this blog, I wasn't quite sure how it would turn out. Lots of singles blogs fall into the "Dating Blog" category. Often times, when I tell people that I write a blog about being "single and happy" they ask me if it is a dating blog.

In 2010, I am finally ready to declare that this is NOT a dating blog. There are so many wonderful dating blogs out there but this isn't one of them.

So now that I've established that this is NOT a dating blog, I can introduce my giveaway item for this week: DatingTopics ToGo cards. The back of this cute 40 card package reads "Let DatingTopics shoulder the conversation-making burden on your next date! Get to know each other better with forty engaging questions guaranteed to entertain as well as enlighten."

*You get an extra entry in the giveaway drawing if you can come up with your own question to add to this deck. *

Too bad christmas just passed because this would be a great white elephant gift for all us non-daters out there.

This giveaway is sponsored by SingleEdition.com. I am currently one of the "Solo Spotlight" people on their home page, so please go check it out and submit your own solo spotlight story!

SingleEdition.com is an online magazine with LOTS of content for singles. It seems to be equal proportions dating/finding-finding-a-mate advice and being happy and healthy and single without the search for happily-ever-after. Kudos to Sherri Langburt for creating a website that shows more than one side of singledom! The site also features a "Buzz Boards" section, an online community for singles where Elsie from Singletude has been contributing regularly already.

So, this is how the Thursday Giveaway work:
All you need to do to enter is post a comment. I'll draw a winner next Thursday from all the commenters and announce it on the next week's giveaway (so you have to check back to see if you won so that you can send me your snail mail address). The winner will get their prize in the mail within a couple weeks.

If you have a product or service which you think may interest my readers, please consider sponsoring a giveaway!! You can email me at singlutionary@gmail.com.


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Wednesday Homeowner Series: Singlutionary's House

Every Wednesday I'll be posting on a topic related to homeownership. Sometimes I'll write about buying a home and sometimes I'll write about fixing a home and sometimes I'll just tell stories about owning a home. If you have a specific question you'd like me to try and address please email me or comment.

Homeownership isn't for everyone. There is nothing wrong with being a life-long renter. I am not of the opinion that people who rent are not "grown-up". You can be a Singlutionary and live in a tent or an apartment or a hotel penthouse. Whether you rent or own does not affect your awesomeness.

I have a house. And I am single. So that is what I am going to write about right here, every Wednesday: Homeownership from a single woman's perspective.

I've been slowly coming into my own in the past two years as a homeowner. I always wanted to have my own house, am fascinated with real estate, with buildings and with the spaces people live in. Basically, I love home. I'm a homebody.

Two and a half years ago I finally bought a house. The funny thing about buying a house is that it seems like this great accomplishment. I felt like I had made it. I had joined the ranks of the land holders.

But the real work had just begun.

Owning a home is a responsibility and a commitment and an ongoing learning experience. And it is a big one. A big huge one. Traditionally, couples bought a house when they were ready to start a family. My parents went that route. But somehow I never got the memo. I never thought that it was strange that I, a single woman in my 20s, would buy a four bedroom single family home all on my own. I didn't stop to think that it might be easier to keep up a house and a garden if there are TWO people instead of just one. I just new what I wanted. And I knew that had always wanted it.

Shortly after I bought the house I became so overwhelmed that I became emotionally paralysed. I remember going over to a friend's house with my sister and staring at the TV, feeling totally incapable of moving or making any decisions about what to do next. I felt literally frozen in place. I was completely overwhelmed but I couldn't even articulate what was wrong. I wasn't depressed. I was just terrified.

When I bought the house, I thought I'd have it in the shape I wanted it to be in within a few months. I knew everything I wanted to do and in my mind's eye, I could see how beautiful it would all be when done. It has taken two and a half years to accomplish 75% of my original to-do list. Two and a half grueling, no-time-to-socialize, paint-splattered clothes, project cluttered years that I wouldn't give back for the world.

Unless you move into a place and have a TON of money and about a month off work to go shopping, meet with contractors and have your entire life turned upside down, it is going to take a while.

Unless your house is brand new. But even then . . . .

Even if you buy a condo . . .

And then, when you get your house into that perfect condition that you've always dreamed of, something goes wrong. And it usually costs a heck of a lot of money to fix it.

For me, a house is not only a home but a sanctuary. It is also a work of art. I consider myself a homemaker. It just so happens that I make a home for myself, my dog and my roommates instead of for my spouse and children. Still, the amount of time and thought and energy and grace that I put into creating a home is immense.

My home is an extension of me. It is an expression of myself. I want it to be clean and beautiful and peaceful because I want to bring clarity and beauty and peace into the world.

I am also very critical of my house. I see everything that is wrong with it. I see the tiny spots where the paint isn't perfect and I see the lack of landscaping in the front yard and I see the books, unceremoniously dumped on the bookshelf and the old aluminum windows that are SO inefficient. There are so so so so so so so many of these imperfections that others don't even notice but which nag at me every day. When I first moved in, there were so many things that needed to be done that I simply couldn't pick which one to start with.

But somehow I got through my new homeowner stupor. And I got down to business. I needed to learn fast and be strong if I was going to figure this all out.

So I started learning. Something broke and I figured out how to fix it. I learned to start thinking about how the plumbing works and how the air conditioner works and how screen doors work and which things can be fixed by a quick trip to Lowe's and which things need more than one set of hands to fix and who to call for what. A big part of owning a home is problem solving. And for me, it was also problem solving on the cheap.

I'm still learning-- often the hard way. There is no "done" when it comes to life or home ownership. If the building is still standing, there is work to be done.

This house, and all that is represents, and the people it shelters is a big part of my life.

So on Wednesdays I'll be sharing my struggles and my triumphs and my frustrations. And answering any question you might have to the best of my ability!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Singlutionary's Guide to Finding an Apartment

It is Tuesday! And on this first Tuesday of 2010, I am excited to introduce another weekly series: Singlutionary's Guide to Whatever. This is where I'll answer questions (so please ask them) and just offer up advice on various aspects of life-on-your-own. Last year, I pronounced myself an expert at being single and began this blog. I have been single almost all of my life (save a few months here and there) so I have quite a bit of experience with figuring things out on my own and I thought I'd share it. If you're an experienced Singlutionary with wisdom to share on this topic, please continue to build the conversation in the comments!

Building on this month's theme, (Moving-- as a single person on a Singlutionary adventure). I thought I'd write about the first step when you get to you new city: Finding an apartment (I'll write about buying a home and finding roommates later this month). I'm also a former realtor and I'm looking for a job in Apartment Management so I thought this is a great way to share my knowledge.

Finding a new apartment varies city-by-city and I'm not sure what differences exist country-by-country so I will try and stick to some basic principles. If you have a more specific question, please ask and if I can not answer it, maybe another reader can!

Singlutionary's Guide to Finding an Apartment (in a new city, as a single):

Before You Get There
You're excited to be moving to a new city, starting over and beginning whatever adventure lies ahead! But where do you begin? Even experienced renters might feel a little intimidated and/or overwhelmed.

1. Know Your Budget-- But Keep it Flexible
There are a lot of unknowns in moving to a new city. Sometimes you don't have a job there and sometimes you do. Ideally, if you don't have a job, you'll have six months of rent in the bank or a friend or relative who will Guarantee your lease (this means that they are willing to use their income to qualify you for your lease and be on the hook if you don't pay your rent). If you don't have a job in your new city, you'll need to figure out what you can afford once you do get a job. Because getting a job can be harder in a new city where you don't have the personal connections and where your job experience and references are from someplace else and because job markets and pay vary from city to city, it is best to make a low estimate of what you'll be able to afford. Most apartments require that your income is 3 times the rent. So take the worst case monthly income you'd make (if you don't already have a job offer) and divide it by 3. This is about what you can pay in rent. You don't have to live in a palace the first year in your new city! It is better to land on the frugal side because you'll want more money free to dine out and meet people and explore instead of sitting around broke in your expensive apartment.
2. Talk to Everyone You Can -- But Consider the Source
My sister was flying home and overheard a conversation between two couples on the airplane. One couple was relocating to my city and the other couple was offering up advice. The local couple's advice was to move to the Southern Suburbs and to avoid my sister's neighborhood because they'll "get shot there". My sister laughed out loud when she heard that one. She walks and bikes to work, as do her 2 roommates, and has never been afraid of being shot. So, talk to everyone you can about the city. Gather as much information as you can and listen to everything they have to tell you. But always consider who is offering this information. You can learn a lot from listening to BAD information just by considering the source. For example, a yuppie family with kids MIGHT tell you that a certain part of town is unsafe. It might be true. It might also be just the right mix of culture and urban grittiness and affordability for your single self. And a Frat Boy might tell you that the best place to live is in West Campus. Well, yeah. If you want to wake up to the sound of said frat dude barfing on your car. So listen to the advice people are giving you but also ask them questions about who they are and what they like. And don't get any fixed notions . . . just collect that data without making too many judgements . . . yet.

3. Search Online -- But Keep it General
It is possible to rent an apartment online, sight unseen. This is definitely more convenient if you are moving with a ton of stuff--which I don't advocate for (I think you have more of an adventure when you don't bring all your baggage with you-- literally). I advocate for moving 1st and staying in a hotel or with a friend for a week and finding a place -- or, if you're moving to a city with a tight rental market, making an exploratory trip ahead of time (about one to two months out) to find the right apartment-- sometimes you can make a mini vacation of it and bring a friend or your mom or whomever. You can begin to piece together a pretty good concept of your new city online. You can see, generally, how much a studio vs 1 bedroom apartment is, which neighborhoods have apartments within your budget, where your job is in relationship to the rest of the city, what parts of town are walkable/bikeable, etc. Don't look for your specific apartment (it very well might be gone when you get there) or your specific job (unless you are applying ahead of time) or your specific neighborhood. Once again, it is best to just collect as much information as you can about the city. Often times apartments will look cleaner and more spacious or better maintained in pictures than they do in real life. Sometimes the vibe of an area online sounds cool but when you get there, it doesn't feel right for YOU. So just collect data.


Once You're There
You finally did it. You landed in a new city and you're staying someplace and now you need to find a place to live for the next year. Holy freaking crap. This is so exciting!

1. Explore the City
If you have a few days to find an apartment, I suggest that all you do on your first day is explore. You'll already know which areas excite you or which ones seem affordable. Just drive around. Or walk around. Or bike around. Or bus around. Or lightrail around. It is ideal to use whichever mode of transportation you'll be using for your daily life once you settle in. If you live in a walkable, public transity city, do that. If you live in a car laden city, do that. If you see an apartment complex that looks appealing, just walk around it on your own. This is also a great way to discover under-advertised places with "For Rent" signs in the yard. Visit the neighborhoods that you were so excited about when you were sitting on your sofa reading about your new city. By the end of the day you'll be exhausted, you still won't have an apartment and you'll feel like you accomplished nothing. This is an EXCELLENT start.

2. Look, But Don't Commit
Lots of cities have apartment locators. These locators write ads for a specific apartment and when you call about that apartment, it has already been leased but they offer to show you others. This is OK. Locators are legit and they are FREE (they are paid by the apartments). Some locators are better than others and some are stupid and creepy while others are friggin' awesome. Also, locators will only show you apartments that pay them and pay them well. So, even if you meet up with a locator, don't feel suck with them. Continue to look on your own and don't be afraid to view properties with another locator if your first one was creepy (just tell your new locator what your 1st locator showed you). Lots of people will try to sell you and get you to commit to one thing or another. Unless you're in an incredibly tight market at an incredibly tight time of the year, don't commit the first day unless you are 100% sure. Just feel things out. You'll learn a lot about what you don't want. This is exactly what you should be doing.

3. Ask Questions But Listen to What They're Not Saying
There are lots of questions to ask and I'll list them out in a bit. But when you ask the question listen for how the question is answered. If you're going to live in an apartment complex, it is important that you have good management. Often times the person leasing the apartment is just there to lease and they don't participate as much in the actual management. Sometimes they'll avoid telling you something negative by not quite answering your question. Sometimes they will be really frank with you too--which is awesome. Feel the vibe of the people you interact with and their interaction with each other. Also scope out the people you encounter who live in the complex (if you're looking in a complex) or in the neighborhood. Does it look like a community where you would find friends? It is against the law for realtors and apartment management to answer questions about the demographics of their area (how many people are single, how many people are students, what age they are, etc) but you can make your own judgements by looking around the area and by listening to what the leasing folks are NOT telling you.

Some Questions to Ask:
What utilities, if any, are paid?
What bills will I be responsible for?
What portion of my deposit is refundable?
Do you accept pets? What are the restrictions? What are the deposits? How much is refundable?
Do you have lots of complaints about noise?
What lease lengths do you offer? 12 month? 6 month? Is there a difference in price?
Where is the nearest bus stop? Laundry facility? Gym? Grocery store? Cafe? Gas station? Bar? Dog Park?
Do you live here? Do other employees live here?
What happens if my neighbor is having a loud party at 4am?
If something were to break, how soon would you fix it?
What is your favorite restaurant in the area? Where do you like to go out to?
Is there a fee for parking? Is there a fee for using the gym/clubhouse facility?
Who are the providers for electric, gas, water, cable, internet?
I don't have a job yet. Will you accept a guarantor or a co-signer or evidence of savings of 6 months rent or some other option?
What is your criteria for approving applicants?
How long will it take to process my application?
When can I move into this apartment? Is that time frame flexible/negotiable?
Does the management sponsor any community events? Are there any community events nearby?
What happens if I need to break my lease? What will is cost? (This amount can be really big so be sure to ask just so that you know if you do have a problem.)

4. Commit!
Decide on your top choice apartment and on a few second choices. Take an application back to your top choice and check to make sure that the specific apartment you wanted is still available (you should be applying for a specific apartment and that apartment, along with the dates of the proposed lease, should be written on the application). Often times the apartment complex will require a deposit in addition to the application fee with the application. When you turn in that application, you are committing to that apartment. As long as you're approved, that apartment is yours. Be excited! Ask for a copy of the floorplan or if you can take measurements of the apartment (this will SO come in handy when you are at Ikea in a half-brain-dead -overly-stimulated-state later in the day). Ask when you'll be hearing back from them about your approval and if there is any reason they see that you won't be approved (they usually can't answer this latter part, but ask anyway just to see what they say).

When you sign your lease, make sure to ask for a copy. Sometimes the management won't offer it but you'll want it to refer to later on. Be empowered by having a copy of this contract so you know what you signed up for!

Once you're in your lease and living in your apartment, commit to being there. There will be things that suck. (If you're young and single and live in a complex, expect to get hit on.) But the great thing is that you're only there for a year or however long you signed up for. Spend the year enjoying your new city and making new friends! And if after a year you realize that you moved to the wrong part of town you can move again (another reason not to bring too much stuff with you when you move). Or maybe you'll love it there and live there for the next 10 years. Who knows. But you're there, so commit to the experience!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Moving Inspiration: Sixty and Single in Seattle

I have big plans for the new year including a weekly "schedule" of posts. Every Monday I'll write about something or someone awesome in the world. If you've got something you'd like me to profile, please let me know in the comments or email me!

This month I'm exploring the adventure of moving -- it is terrifying, it is exhilarating, it is annoying and it is exhausting.

It takes courage to uproot yourself from where you've been planted and move. It takes gumption to start all over, especially in a big city.

Mary Davies has courage and gumption. At the age of 60, as a divorced single woman, she moved to Seattle, WA.

If she can do it, so can you!

I very much enjoy reading Mary's uplifting and articulate (she is a professional writer) blog.

Sometimes I get those external social signals which say: You're getting kind of old to be single. Maybe you should get married while you still have the chance. And then I start to think that maybe being single is only fun when you're young, and attractive, and can turn the heads of horny frat boys.

But Mary's blog reminds me that you can embrace singleness at any age and that you can find joy and freedom and adventure and beauty in single life no matter what. Being single is a big adventure and there is no reason to stop growing or get set in your ways if those ways don't suit you!

Read Sixty and Single in Seattle and tell me what you think!






Friday, January 1, 2010

A Fresh Start, Single

As promised, I am back to writing in the new year! Welcome to 2010!

Not only is this the first year of a new decade, it is also the last year of my 20s. I will turn 30 in about 10 months. This fact didn't bother me too much until I went home for Christmas.

I love going home and I am blessed with a loving and supportive family. My parents are completely accepting of my uncoupled life.

But I think that others are beginning to find it strange. After all, I am almost 30. I am getting old. Pretty soon I won't be able to have children. Do I have any prospects?

My age, coupled with the fact that I am still unemployed makes me out to be somewhat of a pity case in the eyes of some relatives. They are not trying to be assholes; they are genuinely concerned for me.

But I've never lived life according to the pattern. I've always broken the mold. And going home for Christmas this year, I realized, for the first time ever, that I have ALWAYS been the black sheep.

I find so much value and joy in my life. I am happy and, despite current financial strain, I feel secure. Unfortunately, my joyfulness and security doesn't translate back home. Only my parents (who have actually visited me) see the value of my life here.

It is sad somehow, to realize that my own precious and amazing life, when viewed through the eyes of my extended family, is something of concern, something to fret about.

Until now I haven't felt much societal pressure to couple and marry. I've pressured myself because I felt that it would make social interaction with my coupled friends easier or because I thought it would alleviate various other stresses in my life (which I learned it would not). I no longer feel any self-pressure to couple. But I am beginning to feel it from outside in the form of the well meaning queries of loved ones and their stories about their friends, the moral of which always seems to be: "Don't give up hope, you can still get married and have children, you still have some time left".

The great thing is that I don't go home very often. Instead I live in a city where I have always felt accepted and where I have a network of coupled and uncoupled friends who are supportive and appreciative of who I am and see me as a whole person with a life worth celebrating.

If I had never left my home state and had stayed amongst these same people I would have never have gotten to know myself. Part of the problem is that my life in my old city was filled with relationships with people who did not understand me, who had expectations of me that I did not have of myself. It is not their fault that they have a different world view. It is not their fault that they can not comprehend, even now, who I am or what I am doing or how I could be happy living the way I do. These are intelligent, loving people. But there is a narrowness to their thinking. Moving to a new city gave me space for new friends and to establish new relationships with people who are more like me. I am sure there are plenty of kindred spirits back where I come from but my life out there was too full of existing relationships for me to meet them.

So if you're single, give yourself a fresh start this year. If you've wanted to move but were afraid to do so, reach out to this online community for moral support and take the leap. (It is much harder to move once you're coupled.) If, for whatever reasons, you need to grow where you're planted, make a fresh start in another way. Take a class or go on a solo roadtrip. Or just try a new grocery store or a new brand of toothpaste.

The Singlution is back in business in 2010. My fresh start includes posting Monday-Friday with homeowner and do-it-yourself advice, single blogger and single resources profiles, giveaways, personal stories and more.

Happy New Year to my fellow Singlutionaries!