Long Term Singlutionaries

I am new to dating. I never really dated before. I just jumped into bed and into love with strangers. When I was in college I tried the same tactics with making friends: I decided I wanted a person to be my new best friend and I would get their phone number and then invite them to EVERYTHING under the sun. My true best friend and roommate at the time tried to explain to me that things don't work that way with friends. She said that I needed to wait a while, talk to them after class and then find a way (after a period of time) to invite them to a relevant social activity.

I thought that was absurd. I mean, I'd already decided they were my new best friend. Or, in the case of men, I'd already decided they were my future husband. 

Ironically, one of the many things I find strange about dating now is the underlying assumption (which is mostly true in my age range) that we both seeking a long term relationship which ideally culminates in marriage.

In some ways I like asking, right at the get-go: "Is this person someone I would want around for the rest of my life" because most of the time the answer is a clear "no". Most of the time I can put a pretty clear prediction on how long a relationship with this person would last: One day, two weeks, four months, one year. I haven't met anyone yet who would last for even a year.

Here is what I realized this morning: I take the same approach when it comes to friends: I am at a point in my life where if I can't see our friendship being mutually enjoyable for more than a year, I'm not interested. 

Gosh. How rude. When it comes to friendship, it seems like we're supposed to open the floodgates to any and all applicants. But I invest a lot in all of my relationships and I don't have a ton of social time. I would rather being doing projects around the house and saving up my friendship energies for a "real" friendship than be out whoring around with one-night-friends.

This revelation has brought me so much relief!

1. Now I don't feel so awful about not pursuing a lot of female friendships. I have been worried for a long time now that I am secretly cultivating some very NON Singlutionary habits, one of which is devaluing friendship and perceiving friendship as merely a filler until I find my true romantic partner. I've also been thinking that I'm a closeted misogynist. Why is is that new female friendships either haven't kept my interest or have been downright annoying? Now I realize that I just haven't met the "right one(s)"! Finding new friends is like dating: If the friendship won't last more than a year, I'm just not interested.

2. Dating using this one year perspective is extraordinarily useful. In the past I would have gone on one date and then sat around for months trying to figure out how I could squish this stranger into my life and make him fit. That is crazy! Now I don't feel bad after the un-success of each and every dating encounter because I realize that what I am seeking is very specific. There is an exact shape--some sort of a polygon--and that is the shape of a person who would fit into my life (and I into theirs). So I'm like a child going through all these pegs trying to find the one that I can fit into the correct hole. Except now the shapes are far more complicated than circle, square, triangle. Instead they are these beautiful complex shapes. I look at the peg's shape (the date) and I appreciate it but it still doesn't fit into my uniquely shaped hole (make all the sex/penis/vagina jokes you want in the comments but I like this analogy)!

3. This whole peg/hole thing is a game. It doesn't have to be torturous full of rejection and all that. It doesn't even have to be played constantly. I can be out in the world and find some peg that might work and then forget about it for three weeks and then finally try it out. I don't need a peg to feel full or to fully function or to have joy and love and laugher in my life. The peg/hole game is kinda fun but there are other things I'd like to do too-- other learning endeavors. 

So that is my revelation for today. I am a long term Singlutionary and I like it this way!

Sexual Attraction

I suck at it. 

I went on another date tonight with a perfectly suitable man. He was nice and fun and I felt like I didn't offend him too much with my sense of humor or with my language. He carried the conversation well, was considerate and polite and generally wonderful. And I wasn't attracted to him. Not in the least. He, like the hot doctor, is a "good catch" and a good person and not bad looking to boot. He could be my new friend and we could do stuff together but I do not want to hump him. Not even in the future. I feel this way about all the guys that I've emailed on match.com. 

Which bring me back to this: My original purpose on match.com was to research the kind of person I want in my life and the kind of person I am attracted to (physically and in the law-of-attraction kind of way).

In the law-of-attraction kind of way, I am attracted to sane stable people who are a little bit unusual. 

In the sexual attraction kind of way, I am attracted to idiots and psychos. 

Before I started this blog, I had pretty much exclusively dated idiots, psychos and freeloaders. Now, I can safely say that I have dated nice guys. 

And I know for sure that I am no longer a desperate dater!

But the person I am attracted to most is still myself. I just haven't met anyone who I a) want to hump and b) is a tiny bit awesome-er than me. 

Either I am totally self involved to the point of becoming a psycho idiot myself OR I am finally living my real life and loving it! And I don't need anyone to lead the way or pay the bills or even to bump nasties with. 

*Its just so hard to be co-dependent when you're as competent as I am!*

Singletude Post which is Hilarious

Singletude is another blog after my own heart. This recent post was too brilliant to NOT repost:

Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles: "Anderson Woman Married 23 Times" by Konrad Marshall: A <i><b>Singletude</i></b> Response

Match-a-holic

I think I posted a couple weeks ago on how I was giving up on match.com.

Well. I did. And then I didn't. After the initial excitement wore off, I put it on the backburner. I would get some winks and sometimes I would wink back but for the most part I felt like the quality of guys on match.com matches the quality of guys peeing on the street in front of a bar. 

But then a couple interesting people caught my attention and I've taken a new attitude towards online dating. I've never really understood dating mainly because I felt like I needed to make up my mind about someone before I even went on a date with him. In other words, if I were to go on one date with a guy it was because I'd already decided I wanted to marry him. 

What I've realized (finally, duh) about dating is that its easy! You go on one date and then decide if you want to go on another. There is no commitment involved. I don't have to hump the guy, I don't have to kiss the guy, I don't even have to LIKE the guy afterwards. 

So I have been on one date so far. This was several weeks ago. I went on a date with a hot doctor. He was super cute and I think I was super cute and it wasn't a bad date at all. I would have gone on a second date with him but he didn't call and so I forgot about him. Rejected! Nice and simple. I knew at our first date that we weren't going to get married and I could tell that he didn't "get" me. And for people who don't "get" me and my crazy sense of humor, I wouldn't be surprised if I am completely exhausting to be around.

I have another date this week with a nice engineer. I usually don't date engineers and I am totally against dating software engineers (been there, done that) but this one has been very nice and consistent and so I've decided to give him a chance. 

I don't have much of a social life these days. Actually, I think my social life is normal for the amount I work, for being sick and for being a homeowner with a dog (which means I spend a lot of time at home--like a lot of couples). Lately, I've been enjoying the social life that match.com is providing for me. I get to check out guys online and then maybe go on a date with them. It only takes up a couple hours a week and its very simple and doesn't spill over into other areas of my life. I email the guys back when I feel like it and when I have time. The rest of my time is spent maintaining the relationships I already have in my life and sleeping and eating and working! And I like learning about people and what they want and how they interact. 

Ahhhhh. I love simplicity. I love dating. And deep down, I love rejection because it is so clear and sharp and honest and it gives me the space for the next new thing to come forward! I love match.com!

Before I Singlutionized

Lately I've been reflecting on the past year of my life. At the same time I've been mulling over the words I most frequently hear from people who aren't "getting" the Singlution: "I want to have fun." 

A year ago I was one of those people who couldn't grasp the Singlution. I thought that "He's Just Not that Into You" (the book and the concept, not the movie) was hecka lame. I wanted to go out and pursue what I wanted. I made up lies that I told myself over and over again about the guys I was into and how they really liked me even though they didn't even hint at it. Now I am hearing the same words come out of other people's mouths and I am thinking: What the heck was wrong with my self esteem?

One year ago today I was deep deep in a crush on this guy who was completely wrong for me. The pickings in my circle were slim and he was single and he was fairly hot. And he flirted with me. He also lived with his parents and had almost been kicked out of the military. I'll admit that I like big tall buff guys and this guy was that "type". He had nice toned abs (although they were so hairy you had to feel 'em to believe 'em) and was tall and Texan and generally a kind guy. His Singlutionary name will be Hhabs (for hot hairy abs). Anyways, HHABS flirted with me when we saw each other but he never called me or asked me out. I decided this was just because he was insecure and didn't know how hot he was and because he lived with his parents. I excused the fact that he lived with his parents on the nobility of his leaving the military for personal reasons (I didn't know then that he was almost kicked out). The highlight of our non-existent relationship is when we sat next to each other and he let our thighs touch for about a hour and a half. 

Wow! I pined away for this guy? I spent nights dreaming of him and of how one day he would buck up and ride into my life on his longhorn, saving me from the strain and stress that was my daily life? I desperately (tried to) dated him by asking him to do things (which he always declined) and I figured out ways for him to give me a ride or for us to interact outside of our social circle. I wah-wah-waited for him to save me from myself!

I've never thought of myself as someone with low self-esteem and neither have the people around me. I've often been told that I don't seem to care what anyone thinks. People admire me for my independence, my bravery, my outspokenness, my confidence. Ahhhhh. Who said that our greatest strengths are also our greatest weakness?

Although I didn't seem to lack confidence, I seemed to lack some essential appreciation of my excellent life. I had no idea that I should simply sit back and admire not Hhabs's abs but my own wonderful house, my own creative creations, the communities I'd built and helped to build in my own city, etc. 

I might not have lacked confidence but I felt that something was lacking. I felt that I needed someone (anyone) to complete me. The life I had built for myself was not complete without *someone* to share it with. What I didn't realize was, at the same time, there were so many people in my life already that I was drowning in the sharing! 

A year ago today I was not the Singlutionary. I had no idea how to live a Singlutionized life or even where to begin. And I wish I could tell you exactly (simple step by simple step) how I got to here from there but I can't. It was a fairly brutal journey with a lot of hurt, loneliness and eventually, transformation. 

Yes, everyone should have fun! But there is NOTHING fun about pining away for the wrong person or in over-thinking a makeout session gone wrong. I have lots of fun living my life free from these shackles! There is nothing un-fun about the Singlution! I do what I want when I want and I am open to romantic relationships in my life. I'm just not dying for them. 

Behind on Blogging

I started this blog a little under two months ago and I am amazed by how much its added to my life. There are so many great people out there blogging about single life and they are all smart and perceptive and funny! If I don't check in for a day I come back and there is SO much to read that I get lost in reading and don't even get a chance to write! And there is so much I want to write about.

Today is my last day of being sick. I can feel it in my body. I'm antsy and wanting to get up and move and quit "resting". I haven't felt sick at all--only for one day over a week ago but this awful insane I-might-vomit-I-am-coughing-so-hard cough won't quit and I still sound like a deranged Elephant when I try and talk. So I have been trying to rest. And now I am bored of resting.

So I'm back! And I am going to report on the following: match.com, desperate daters saying they want to "have fun" (as if the Singlution isn't fun!), growing where I'm planted, where I was a year ago today (before I became singlutionarized), and more!

So I best get to it! Thanks for sticking by me while I was out of town and out of it!

Singlutionary

After a Weeks Absence from Blogger . . .

I've been gone a while! This time last week I was preparing for a Singlutionary weekend away with my mom. My mom is one of those married singlutionaries who's husband doesn't like to travel so she takes me instead! I am not going to complain about that. So we spent a weekend in the freezing cold state of NY. 

And I got sick. I am ordinarily one of those healthy gals who rarely gets sick longer than a few days. It was just a cold so I powered through and saw the sights. But I've been back three days now I'd like like to healthily go on my way and live my life (especially after having some wonderful revelations about myself/my goals/my future on the flight home) except that I can't sleep at night cause I can't stop coughing. I can hardly move without coughing. And when I say coughing, what I really mean is hacking up a lung. 

So since I am one of the gazillion uninsured people in America, I made myself in charge of my own healthcare and looked up my symptoms online. Looks like I've got bronchitis (and laryngitis too by the way) which the doctors can't really do anything about anyways. I'm supposed to rest, drink fluids, blah, blah, blah.

And THIS is when I realize that I usually spend all day inside hanging out in bed doing one project or another on the computer. The only thing is that USUALLY, I don't have to. I could go outside and get a tan or walk the dog or I could *gasp* clean the house.  Usually when I am feeling lazy, I am really feeling dysfunctional. But now, the only cure for my body's dysfunction is to be lazy! Being the rebellious person that I am, I of course want to plan a multi leg backpacking trip RIGHT NOW. But then I realize how intimidated I am by my existing weekend commitments which include two consecutive days of travel to (kinda) nearby cities and a great deal of talking (not so good when I can barely speak above a whisper).

What does this have to do with the Singlution? Not much. I came up with so many wonderful topics on the airplane that I wanted to write about. Apparently I have coughed them right out of my head! But I'll get back to the Singlution ASAP!!

Single Ladies (A fluff blog)

Every once in a while I google "single" and "single blog" and other such variations to try and find more fantastic blogs to add to my blogroll. Well, lately, I've been getting a lot of Beyonce's Single Ladies videos or spoofs of it. And I kinda love it. Its an obnoxious yet totally fantastically fun song and the video ranks somewhere right between perverse and awesome.

So, as an addendum to my last blog (where I confess that all I want to do is stay at home and blog) I'm going to post some links so y'all can see what kind of dancing talent is out there (this is nothing you couldn't find yourself on youtube but I thought I'd pick a few faves):

The Real Thing by Beyonce: Single Ladies/Put a Ring on It

My Future Boyfriend doing the Single Ladies Dance 

Man with Zero Body Fat doing the Single Ladies Dance 

Obama Version

Big Girl Remix

Hippie Version

Who knew there were so many people with no cellulite on their posteriors?

On the Outs with Going Out

I hate going out. First of all, while I live in my fabulous city, I live 20 minutes from downtown so going out for me is no longer a walk down the street. Second of all, I'm not into being drunk or drunk people. Third of all, I'd prefer to save money to do something practical like buy plants.

Sometimes I feel like I SHOULD go out more because that is what single people do. Single people go out. Young people go out. So if I'm young and single I should be going out every night or at least once a week, right? If I don't I'm either boring or a premature-old-fart. 

But I am totally satisfied with spending my extra evening time at home with my dog watching a movie or TV or reading or blogging. In other words, I'd rather participate in this online community for free than go downtown to spend a bunch of money to be in the presence of idiots.

I don't know if this is merely a phase which will pass in time or if I'm just naturally a homebody. But it seems that I can't win. I am the least boring person I know but at the same time any single person who doesn't go out on a regular basis is judged as being boring by all the "fun loving" singles. 

So, if you're enjoying your Friday night at home (or any other day of the week for that matter), here is a quick list of some of my favorite recent posts by other bloggers which you may find entertaining:

A Story About An Awful Date by Welsh Girl

A Short Film About Chasing Boys from Hooking Up Smart

Sweet Solitude's Entire Blog: This woman has mastered solo living

A Onely post on a topic quite similar to this one

A Book Review on What Would Carrie Wear?

Bella DePaulo's Book (Which I just purchased by haven't yet read) and Blog

Thegoodbyedress cracks me up too. Read each short little blog. Its fun.

And I just want to say that there is nothing wrong with going out! I think its a perfectly acceptable thing to do. I am just advocating for staying in being a perfectly acceptable and COOL way to spend my time. Even if I am young. Even if I am single.

Singlutionary Self (and my thoughts on dating)

I think I'm done with online dating. Online dating requires two qualities which I currently do not possess: 1) patience and 2) desperation.

I am not willing to sit around waiting for the right guy to become a member and to find me and to invite me on a wonderful date and to fall in love with me. I have way more important things to do. I have way more important things to think about. And I am sick of wasting my time sorting through pages and pages of "laid back" guys only to find an ambitious guy only to find out that he is either a) a bible thumper or b) a big breeder who wants a wife who will be adopted into his huge family and raise and birth his 30 children. I would rather sit on the toilet waiting for a big turd to come out than sit on the computer waiting for a man who ISN'T a big turd to ask me out. 

Online dating (or dating at all for that mater) is great for women who want a laid back bible thumper family oriented guy. Unfortunately, that is not me. I require my own special dating website for all the non-stoner, non-bible-thumping (yet spiritual/religious), non breeding, ambitious types.

So I lack patience. That much is obvious.

I also lack desperation (for the first time in my life) so the way I went about this process was very selective. I winked at guys but I didn't initiate emails. I quit emailing men if it looked like they would never ask me out or if they asked me out in a way that was flakey and not on a real date. I quit emailing guys if they failed to ask a question in the email. And I never responded to an email that struck me as icky in any way. Sometimes it was a matter of spelling and grammar. Sometimes it was a matter of subject or tone. 

In other words. I am picky. 

There is still this little voice coming from a closet in the back of my head which says "if you don't quit being so picky, you'll never be in a relationship" or "you need to be more open to the possibilities". These voices are tired because they have been shouting at me for 15 years. 

I have no desire to lower my standards to find my match. In fact, I would prefer that I continue to learn and grow as a person and that I hold myself to an increasingly higher standard. I believe that THIS (developing an excellent relationship with myself) will attract the right people (romantic and otherwise) into my life much faster than going out with a lousy speller/wishy-washy-dater.

I went online to research the kind of person I want to be in a relationship with. I didn't find him. But I did realize many things about myself and the kind of person I want in a relationship. I also realized that the man of my dreams is so unique that only some kind of crazy god would be able to find a way to bring us together. 

So I am giving up on online dating but I am also investing my time into building a better me. And I do so with the faith that everything I do in my life is leading me closer to my true self which is also, at the same time, bringing me closer to my true match and my truest friends. 

Singlutionary Strength

My house was broken into today. I got a call from the organic vegetable delivery service that I sometimes use (I know that I have just identified myself as yuppie and a hippie at the same time, however, I am neither) saying that the driver came to deliver my box of groceries and saw that the front door had been kicked in.

I was at work which is 20 minutes away. A thousand thoughts rushed through my head. I live in an area with a high rate of break-ins and I am very careful to leave the lights on at night, etc, etc and stay good friends with the uber-vigilant neighbors. But this was 2 in the afternoon! It was the middle of the day and nobody was home (thank god) although at the time I didn't know that. I had no idea what had happened.

I phoned my roommates, called the cops. Fortunately the delivery driver had thought to mention that he heard a dog barking so I knew my dog was still at home and was safe in her room. I finished work fast and rushed home not sure as to what I would find. I was panicked. My computer, as you can imagine, is my lifeblood and its an easy thing to steal. I THINK it backs itself up to some website somewhere daily but I've never thought to actually test that theory.

I arrived home moments after my roommate. The cops weren't there (turns out they still hadn't shown up). The front door had been kicked in but was still intact; just the frame was broken. Two laptops were missing: a 2003 dell that only stays on for about 3 minutes before shutting itself down and my roommates HP (which is actually worth something). My room was untouched due to (my hero) the dog barking her head off from inside. The upstairs rooms were also untouched. 

Huge sigh of relief. Huge. Huge. Huge. My roommate didn't have any backups but she also didn't have any current work or important files so the loss is mainly monetary. And one deadbolt on the front door still works so we can lock it from inside (but not from outside which is OK cause we can all get in though the garage). 

Another huge sigh of relief. Although I am still jittery. I finally understand how people with bad hearts can have heart attacks just from hearing bad news. I feel like I've just done three hours of cardio in the three hours since this all went down. 

Before I became Singlutionary I would have had some of the following thoughts:

If I had a man living in the house none of this would have happened

I wish I had a man to protect me

I wish I had a boyfriend/husband to help me through this

I wish I had a boyfriend/husband to fix the doorframe

I wish I had someone to take care of this for me

Now that I am the Singlutionary I have these thoughts instead:

Look at me and how well I handled this crisis!

My dog is my hero! Not only is she safe but she saved the day (or at least my computer)!

I am so organized. I already arranged for the door to be repaired and filed a homeowners claim.

My mom is AWESOME for talking me through the drive home.

My bosslady is AWESOME for getting me home ASAP. She even offered to drive me because she was worried about me driving myself cause I was a little freaked out.

My old real estate boss is AWESOME for texting me the number for a handyman before I even got home.

My roommates are AWESOME for being so graceful and so supportive and for pitching in to temporarily fix the door and for running home when I called. 

My grocery people are awesome for calling me.

And last but not least, my robbers are awesome for failing to steal my printer or the box full of car parts by the front door that I just paid for on my credit card. They also helped me get rid of a computer that I would never actually fix. And I thank them for not turning my house upside down or hurting my dog or stealing my cubic-zirconium/fake-wedding-band that I bought myself two weeks ago for 30 bucks. I love that thing. 

And I thank the cops for being cute and very nice and making me feel like this wasn't my fault but the fault of whoever designed my house with a nice little private/recessed doorway for people to kick in. 

And most of all, I am just glad to be the Singlutionary and know that a) I am blessed and b) I can deal with really awful situation and c) there are people in my life who will encourage and support and bless me when I am scared out of my wits. 

Dating Just Makes Me Horny

Who knew that dating would further thrust open the doors of sexual desire for me. Not that I'm giving up my vow of taking-it-slow-like-a-mormon-in-middle-school but the past week has been a further reminder that my libido isn't hiding from the Singlution. 

I've been on match.com for about a week now and I've pretty much played it out. In other words, I'm still a satisfied Singlutionary. Its been an adventure though. In one week I winked at four guys, corresponded with five guys, went on a real life date with one guy and deleted a bunch of douche nozzles who want a hot sidekick or sugar mama. I pretty much deleted anyone who I wasn't interested in or who seemed too young or not my type or not interested in the same stuff or too much of a partier or had really obnoxious pictures of him half naked on his profile. 

The date was good. I'll blog about it later. And there are maybe two other guys who still have a fighting chance. 

But this whole thing isn't about the guys! Its about the adventure and what I am learning about myself. And I am still learning a lot. I want to blog blog blog all about it but I have to actually WORK too this week so I'll catch up later!

Do not worry. The Singlutionary will always (not) kiss and tell. 

Another Sign of Desperate Dating

I am learning SO much from my online dating adventure. I am learning about my bad dating habits and the way I unconsciously go about things. Here is another lesson for today:

I get super excited about new relationships (of any kind--not just romantic ones). Add that to the fact that match.com can be highly entertaining and I've spent HOURS on there during the past week. I get sucked into new things easily. Or, more accurately, I throw myself into them with abandon. 

This is NOT a good dating strategy.

I've notice that the (few) guys I'm emailing with seem to write back at the same time everyday. This might be cause they have real jobs and can't sit around all day checking their emails. Regardless, after five days, the excitement is wearing off and I am ready to settle into a pattern. I am going to check/reply to emails from my online boyfriends once a day and only once a day after all my other chores are done.

Because I am kinda self employed, its easy for me to slack off on my duties and check out rich hotties to my hearts content but this is not healthy. I do the same thing when starting out a relationship. I get so excited and so into it that I get behind on all the other important things in my life and then I get so stressed out that I become a total spaz (which is not very attractive).

My Match is My Mirror

I am having so much fun on match.com. There are so many men that I never feel lonely or rejected. At the same time, there are lots of guys that I reject. Sometimes I reject a guy just because of the way he looks in his pictures. Is that shallow? Maybe but I'd like to think that I have a keen sense of people and the kind of pictures folks put up on their profile says a lot about them. 

There are two things that were bugging me when I first started this process: I wanted a man who made a lot of money and who was "athletic/toned". Of course, I do not make a lot of money (right now) and I am not very toned (right now). It kinda bothered me that I was putting these two items on my man wishlist when I currently do not possess either of these qualifications. These two items also seem extremely shallow to me: money and a hot bod. I mean, its nice but is it really important in a soulmate.

So then, a couple days ago, as I was driving out to bosslady's house, I had a revelation:

I want to have a lot of money. I want to have a hot bod.

And that made me realize this: My whole life I've been seeking the qualities I lack (or think I lack) in my mate. And since there are lots of things I suck at, there was always some guy who I was into merely because he was good at something I am not. Here are some examples:

The journalist. I thought this guy was cool because he had his own magazine. I've always wanted to be a writer and tell my story to the world (hence, this blog). The journalist was also very sloppy, broke, close to being arrested, a pushy pot salesman and a bike stealer. He also hooked up with other women he met on craigslist. (I am not saying that its not OK to do this if that is what you're into but I don't want to sleep with you if you do). 

The landlord. He owned a house and rented out the upstairs and lived downstairs. I have always wanted to do that (and now I kinda do). Fortunately, he was also a nice, generous, respectful guy. But what I loved about him at first was his house. 

The abs. This guy lived at home with his parents because he had so much debt after dropping out of the military. But he was fit. At the time my main obsession was getting fit so it followed that I had a major crush on this guy's abs. Unfortunately (or fortunately), he was a flirt but never intended to ask me out. So this crush lasted several months but nothing came of it. 

Anyways. The moral of this Singlutionary tale is this: 

If you are looking for a partner to make up for all your failings and to fill in the parts about yourself that you don't like, you're at a risk for being a desperate dater. The Singlution solution is to review the things you want in a partner and ask yourself if you really just want them in YOU. If that is the case, spend your single time working on those things: for me, it would be plugging away at my endeavors until I can start squeezing some money out of them and working out ever day again. I have the time and space to do this now because I am single. 

In the meantime I (with my empty bank account and extra tummy) am going to be open to dating guys on match.com but when I meet the rich ones with the hot bods I will see them as my match, not as my savior from myself. 

Practicing Singlutionary Dating

I started out on match.com a couple days ago so that I could look at available men and refine my idea of what I want. I realized that I've changed so much since becoming the Singlutionary that what I THOUGHT I wanted in a man (or in a friend or in any person central in my life) has changed too. I just don't know what the new vision is. 

But online dating has been so FUN that I am going to continue and even pay for it. My 20 bucks a month is money well spent if it can help me refine and define what kind of person I want to welcome into my world and how I go about interacting with potential dates. 

Unlike dating in the past, I don't feel that sense of dread or angst or need. I no longer feel like I am going to be so depressed if the hot Republican (yes, I said Republican) doesn't respond to my "wink". This is merely a process of getting to know myself better, to observe what kind of man I attract and what kind of man I am attracted to. And if I go on some dates and meet some cool guys or even fall in love in the process, well, heck. That is just the jalapeno on the taco!

Meeting my Match

As you may know, I felt derailed last week when my interest in romance was unexpectedly rekindled. 

Well, no, I am not giving up the Singlution. But there was a moment when I thought I was. 

I've never been a good dater. I've always just accepted which ever man walked into my life and I've spend the rest of the time trying to fit myself into/under/around his imperfections or our incompatibility.

So, to be perfectly honest, I have been avoiding romance/dating/making out/etc because I am afraid of it. I don't think I know how it works or what to do with it. My mystery makeout experience last week shook me out of my avoidance and I had to confront my fears.

So, of course, being the nerd that I am, I decided to do a little bit of research. I wanted to find out what kind of man I want so that when I'm approached I can have a little more confidence. 

And that is how I found myself on match.com

I'll be posting my day by day observations. So far I am glad to say that I was not turned on by the guy holding a lit cigarette in his nostril. My dating is getting a LITTLE less desperate already.

Monday Makeout: Sunday Singlution

I have learned to much about myself in the past week! A week ago right now I was 100% comfortable with being single. I wasn't even interested in thinking about a relationship or anything close to it. I didn't crave sex or miss cuddling. I didn't feel starved for affection. I was on my own little singlutionary way.

And then on Monday, I madeout.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhh. And my body, which has been on the back burner for about nine months came into the forefront full throttle.

So. Now I am a single woman who wants to be single but who also wants some intimacy.

I don't crave it. I don't need it. This is not something that I can't live without. It doesn't distract me all day long. I am not addicted.

But I do want it in a kinda happy sing-song-y xmas-is-coming kind of way. And figuring out how to navigate the world of affection and intimacy and kissing and sex (or, in my case, abstinence) is what my next few posts are gonna be about.

Singlution Clarified

 I would like to clarify one thing: 

I do not believe that being single is better than being coupled any more than I think being coupled is better than being single. Honestly, I think that whether a person is (at the moment) single or coupled has a lot to do with fate (or god/goddess/universe/whatever you're into).

Yes, there are ways you can put yourself out there to meet more eligible bachelors/bachelorettes and yes, you can always ask for a divorce or be the one to end the relationship. But meeting a person whom you really connect with and who you end up in a serious relationship with is kinda a toss up. There isn't a science to it and it affects everyone in different ways at different times. Short people get married just as often as tall people and mean people get married just as often as nice folks. Relationships are one universal thing which isn't about money or beauty or even kindness. 

I am not a person who advocates for ALWAYS being single. And I have not committed to a single life forever and ever. But I do advocate for committing to the life you're in--especially if you're single. Committing to being single (while you are single) is so much different than committing to being single forever. I expect that one day I will be coupled and one day after that I will eventually be married. Committing to being single does not exclude the possibility of a relationship. In fact, I feel that by committing to being single, I will be (and have) a better mate when that time comes.

I see being single as a wonderful wonderful opportunity (which not everyone has: some people couple before they've even really had an adult single life) to grown and develop and nurture myself and to really fully enjoy life on my own terms and see all the things which I have to be grateful for. 

That is what this blog is all about.