So while I don't know exactly how I want to live my totally-wide-open-wonderful-single-life, I do know what I want to eat.
Never before in my life have I felt such freedom to not only do what I want with my life but to do good in the world with my life. My decisions and my dreams are at the moment 100% my own. All the folks for whom I spent years of my youth caring for are either grown up or passed away. I am healthy and the people in my life are well. Now I just have to figure out what to do now that I get to just live by myself.
Which, lately, has been 100% overwhelming. I get all excited about my peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then I go online and google "peanut butter and jelly sandwich" and I find out that I am truly an idiot. There is so much to be learned about eating PB&Js that I am simply a beginner, an amateur. And if I really want to make something of this whole sandwich thing, I need to study the ins and outs of jelly including the jellies of the world including chutneys which includes reading all novels which contain the letter "J". This does not include an extensive observation and charting of my own toe jam. In regards to the peanut butter component, there is a art and science to peanut butter which requires living for 5 years on an organic peanut farm and riding elephants in the circus.
If I really want a PB&J, it seems that I must give my entire life to understanding anything and everything about this delicious treat.
But I don't want to commit my entire life to a sandwich. I just want to enjoy eating it.
So I go into the kitchen and realize that what I really really want is a peanut butter and honey sandwich. So all that toe jam charting was for naught.
**The above post is a sampling of the state of my brain and writing capacity these days.