The list never ends.
This past year has been about evaluating and then re-evaluating everything and everything that I hold dear and everything and everything that I despise. And everything in between. I don't know if this is an experience common to folks in their late 20s but it seems to be a pretty universal experience. The extreme sense of isolation as well as the extreme sense of personal growth and strength must be universal too.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about the job/career aspect of my life. The main question is: What am I going to to about my acting career. The main answer is: What career?
I moved to my wonderful small city when it had a vibrant indie film scene. That film scene has in past years been drained away to almost nothing. We're fighting to get it back but depending on some state bills passing which may or may not happen.
And the odd thing is that I don't care. I mean, I do care very much in that I want this to be a place where folks make movies and make good movies of all sized budgets and tell great stories with a unique voice and tell them with grace and love and compassion and humor. I want to be a part of that.
But if that doesn't happen here, I'm not moving. I'm not going to chase the dream in LA or move to another state chasing the indie film dream. I'm not setting out for greener pastures. These are my greener pastures. I came here seeking a better quality of life for myself in a city where I would feel at home (oddly enough I never felt "at home" in my hometown no matter how hard I tried) and be able to pursue my dreams. And I HAVE been able to do just that: I have a wonderful quality of life, I feel at home and I've pursued my dreams.
And I am not leaving.
This point was driven home to me today while on my 3rd match.com date. The fellow I was having coffee with said (in conversation) that he won't stray any further from his (tiny) hometown than this small city (four hours distant). His familial roots in this state go back generations and hundreds of years. I, however do not have roots in any one place that go back generations or even one generation. My people do not stay put. They are wanderers, immigrants, travelers, gamblers, settlers, entrepreneurs, artists, merchants. My father's parents might have grown up in villages in China where they had lived for generations but they left that in the face of communism for life in America. My mother's family were people of the world who lived equally in the United States, Mexico and England and who knows where else.
No wonder the concept of "home" fascinated me. No wonder I want some sense of rootedness in my life while at the same time needing a sense of freedom.
When I moved here, my married friends were pea green with envy: "I wish I could just pack up and move someplace but I'm married. If I weren't married I would do something just like what you're doing."
Turns out that putting down roots has nothing to do with marriage and a family. There is something in me that says "stay". Its as if I'm a well trained dog and the universe has uttered it's command. And I obey. I can't help but obey. I want to be here.
I've spent so much of my life seeking: the right man, the right career, the right job, the right degree, the right school, the right city, the right house, the right shampoo . . .
But when I'm really in the right place its IMPOSSIBLE not to know it. I know that staying here will bring me all the opportunity that I ever need even if it seems that staying here is career suicide.
And now that I'm dating, I am seeing that it is the same with relationships. When I'm in the right place its impossible NOT to know it. And so far, the right place has been being Single!