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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

"I'm Glad You're Dating" : BARF. VOMIT. GTH!!

GTH stands for: Go to hell (or heck, if you're one of my more polite/LDS readers)!

I think I've mentioned (complained about) this before but most of my offline-life single friends do not read this blog and if they do, they hate it. They tell me that they can't follow the Singlution because they "want to have fun" or they act like maybe I am a bit too picky and am missing golden opportunities left and right and they kinda feel sorry for me for not "living" more.

(To which my reply is: If sitting around waiting for a immature idiot to call is more fun, great, more power to you. And if I am missing out on all important life experiences by being selective, oh well; I am not missing out on cherishing myself and the folks already in my life nor am I distracted or distraught by unnecessary drama-- been there, done that.)

Last night I returned a friend's call on the way home from the most awesomely hot kiss I have ever gotten from a man (or any person!). This kiss was so tremendous (I thought we were making-out cause it went on for a while but I've since been informed by Bosslady, that making-out necessitates some kind of sexual groping which did not occur) that when it was over I almost passed out right there on the pedestrian bridge. I have not been this turned on by a kiss ever before in my life. And I don't think I have kissed anyone ever before in my life without following it up with humping/dry humping/serious groping/other kind of sexual behavior. 

I was so shaken and shocked and aroused by this kiss that I couldn't even speak afterwards for like five minutes. I tried to act normal and keep my self together but my body was in the throes of some kind of kiss-orgasm.

Anyways, on the way home, I gave my friend a call back and left a voicemail for her telling her what had happened.

She called back to get the details and then she had to get off the phone and I had to go to bed. At the end of the conversation she said "I'm glad you're dating". And something in the way she said it made me want to barf. *I know of course that she had no intention of offending me and doesn't really deserve to be lambasted in my blog but here goes anyways:*

First of all, I am NOT glad that I am dating. I AM glad that I am meeting wonderful men who redeem their gender in my eyes and spirit and soul. I am glad that I got to enjoy this fantastic grope-free kiss on the pedestrian bridge in the moonlight. I am glad that I am making a new friend and having fun and being taken out to dinner and to movies and for drinks (I know, I get a little creeped out by the sexism inherent in dating too but I've decided not take on tradition all on my own at this juncture). I am enjoying practicing non-desperate dating and breaking out my Singlutionary-tude so that I can date with grace and confidence. But I am not glad about dating itself. Dating is a tiring and annoying and very old fashioned and sometimes creepy thing. Is anyone glad to be dating? It seems to me that if you're glad for someone that they are dating what you are really saying is: "I am glad you are at least TRYING to find a romantic partner because you can never truly be happy on your own."

I suppose that if the context were different and I had been single for a long time (like years) after a bad breakup and it was really brave of me to go back out there and try and meet people, the words "I'm glad your dating again" might be encouraging. 

But in this context I just found it annoying.

And, second of all, I never thought of this as dating really. Yes, I go on dates. But to me, this started out as an experiment and it has turned into a good one. I'm pushing back on the world, exploring the world and I am learning what I want. 

I think what it comes down to is my intention. When I set out on this journey my attitude was this: I currently have a very negative perception of men and I would like to change that by meeting men who are good people and responsible human beings. If, through this process I find myself growing and learning so much from one individual that he ends up being a part of my life, that is cool, but it is not necessary.

But the tone with which my friend said "I'm glad you're dating" made me think of dating from a whole other perspective, the one where a sad desperate person is on an endless interview process for a long-term partner: I need to find a romantic partner; I am horny; I am lonely; I can't fix my car cause I'm a girl; I am scared to live on my own; I am not competent enough to manage my own life; I must be emotionally dependent on another person to feel complete and validated. 

Ugh. I am none of these things nor would I encourage anyone to date for any of these reasons.

So her comment irked me. I think I've decided to quit talking to her about being single or dating or dramatic kiss-fests all together. This isn't the first time something she has said has grated on me in this way. 

On the other hand, I recently told my mom about my match.com dates and she was very receptive. As a rule, I have NEVER shared anything about my romantic life with my mom. This wall started to crumble this summer when I found myself depending on her support and perspective during my Jason-the-Bachelor-esque breakup.


Susan Walsh said...

Gaaahhhh, when are you going to see Pedestrian Bridge Boy again? I think he deserves bonus points for his kiss limits! It was respectful, and obvs, it left you wanting more. Smart guy.

Susan Walsh said...

Uh oh, I just realized I might sound like the annoying friend, sorry. I do applaud the Singlution choice! It's just that I'm an incurable romantic, and I want some fabulous guy to give you good reason to throw in the Singlution towel at some point. In the meantime, I am sooooo glad you have high standards :-)

The Singlutionary said...

Sigh. I haven't heard from Pedestrian Bridge Boy. Maybe I kissed him too hard or something.

The Singlutionary said...

Its OK Susan! I did not take offense in any way. Excitement over a specific individual is much different than excitement over dating in general!

Akirah said...

Hmm. I think that makes sense. I'll be careful in the future about the way I phrase my excitement for my friends, particularly when it comes to dating.

Anonymous said...

Singlutionary, I'm so glad you're dating!!!!
HAHA do you want to throw something at me, but you *can't*, without breaking your computer?

Seriously, I was annoyed just *reading* her comment. When I get that kind of comment, I feel as if it implies that my pre-dating/non-dating life was somehow lacking.

Why not say, "I'm so glad you had a great kiss?" Why the need to amp it up to "dating"?

Also, of all my single friends, my co-blogger Lisa is the only one who is ok with being single, and the others don't read Onely (except maybe one of them). What's with THAT?

Clever Elsie said...

Ahhhh, kisses like that are rapturous! Your blog transported me back to my own greatest lifetime moments of liplocked nirvana! :)

I hope you'll give him a chance to call before you write him off. Gah! It sucks when you have this intense, seemingly rare connection which the other person apparently didn't feel. It's like, "Uhmm, were you HERE when we kissed, or was I just kissing my hand and imagining you?" :)