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Monday, August 17, 2009

Sexless Singlutionary Experiment

My abstinent admirer has got me thinking. 

My only issue with being single is that I have to deal with getting laid. If I only really want to get laid within a relationship but don't really want a relationship, my life is a daily catch 22. And I'm bored with having sex outside of a relationship.

No wonder I'm so frustrated! All I wanted from a relationship was sex but I kept complaining that all anyone ever wanted from me was sex. While I was learning how to NOT be desperate for a relationship, I was still ultra desperate for some good old fashioned humping.

So, I've decided to quit being desperate about sex. Its OK that I am getting older, that my body isn't perfect and isn't going to get more perfect. Its OK that sometimes I get mad that other people have a lover and I have myself. Its OK that my new exercise routine is upped my libido by about 100%. I am just going to accept sexlessness in the same way that I accept and enjoy singleness. I'm going to quit worrying about how long it was since I last got laid and with whom and how many notches I do or do not have on my belt. I'm going to quit thinking that everyone who is out there doing-the-nasty is happier and healthier and having more fun than me. I'm going to quit dreaming of my next orgasm like a girl daydreaming about her wedding day. 

This is an experiment that I am engaging in. Its a shift in my sense of identity. Its requiring me to be humble and to be perpetually horny. But if Abstinent Admirer can go 18 years, I can go 18 months, right? 

I quit being a desperate dater, a pitiful piner and I quit wah-wah-waiting for someone to come fix my whole life. So why am I still sitting around desperately waiting and pining for someone to come fix my vagina. Why am I even looking it like that? Gross! As if I NEED someone else with their spectacular body part to make my body parts whole?

Lately, the way I function in regards to sex and relationships has begun to come clear to me and I am beginning to understand that if all men have ever wanted from me is sex it is only because all I ever wanted from men was sex.

Sex was the one thing that I've been holding out on, that I've not been able to let go of. My life feels incomplete without sex which is why I was appalled that a totally sane, healthy and attractive man choose to go 18 years without it and not even be mad about it. What a waste, right?

And then I realized that people say the same thing about being single: Its such a waste of time to be alone all those years when you could be in a relationship/in love/married with children.

I don't need a relationship or kids to enjoy life. And now, I am going to try and enjoy my life without sex. 

I just really hope my experiment doesn't last 18 years. I just really hope not. 


Kahnee said...

OOH, that is so brave. I am in that same predicament. I want sex. But i don't want a sex based relationship. But I want sex!!!! Dammit. I keep thinking that if I died tomorrow I would sorely miss the fact that I didn't have more sex. But on the other hand if I caught some disease due to the fact that i wanted to have sex then I would wish i didn't have that particular sex.

CAtch 22 exactly.

The Singlutionary said...

Its a snatch 22! (Sorry for the profane pun-- its almost 11pm--which is like 2am for a normal person)

Cotterpin said...

I'm with you. Sex with strangers is unsatisfying, but dating just to get laid is ridiculous. And sleeping with someone who would rather be with someone else? If you actually like them, it's heartbreaking.

I'll stick with rechargeable batteries, thanks very much.

The Peach Tart said...

Just remember there are many couples married and otherwise who are not happy and not having regular sex.

You have to do what works for you and that changes as you go through life.

The Singlutionary said...

Kahnee: If I die tomorrow, I know that I will wish I had more sex. I always wish that I had more sex. But, I think that my hope is that traveling the road of abstinence will eventually lead to the garden of lots of lovin'. Multiple times a day.

Cotterpin: Thanks for commenting! And yes, I'm a fan of batteries too. Unfortunately for me, the environmentalist, the rechargeable ones only last one round. Which reminds me, I better go plug 'em in.

Peach Tart: Well, I would rather be sexless now than sexless in a relationship. That would be sad for me, think. Although my parents have a great relationship and they only had sex 3 times.

Kahnee said...

Sometimes I think I confuse horniness with lonliness or i.e. I need a male to connect with on an emotional level. Unfortunately, it's easier to connect on a physical level than it is on an emotional level.
Since I know have a bff at work (who is a guy) and we talk about the meaning of life and everything in between i've found that i'm less horny and more happy.

The Singlutionary said...

Kahnee, yes, I feel better about life (and less horny) when I have close (non romantic) relationships and almost daily interactions with men whom I respect and admire.

Maybe horny-ness is just a sign of the male/female being out of balance in my life.

Beatrice said...

I once had a (male!) friend tell me that he was the best sex he'd ever had! I agree with him(so far, at least)! I'll stick with the erotica I keep under my bed. (Shh! Don't tell anyone!)

But I'm nodding at The Peach Tart and Kahnee and Cotterpin, too! You guys took the words out of my mouth. : )

Special K said...

This makes me think again about having a one night stand...
because, yes, right now, if I was dying, I'd want to say that I had more sex...

bobbyboy said...

I've come to realize that I have had, have now and will have stages in my life. What those stages are like, at least the present and future ones, are completely up to me, MY life choices. I like that feeling, the control I have over my life, love and happiness.

I love reading your stuff because you're always advancing yourself. Bettering yourself. It helps me to remind myself that I shouldn't be satisfied when things are just ok. No, I will try to make the stages of my life fantastic! :)

Clever Elsie said...

What a fabulous post! It inspired me to write a response over at Singletude. I'm not sure if your blog accepts trackbacks--I don't see mine here--so I figured I'd alert you!

Celia said...

Singlutionary, Kahnee, and others I'm proud to say that I have been a member of this club for 2 yrs. One good thing is that I've gotten to know myself a bit better. As Iyanala Vanzant says, "I spend time WITH myself and not BY myself. I now realize that the act itself isn't what I miss so much (I do still miss it!). It's the connection that I make on an intellectual level with a man. It's nice when it's not purely physical & a one nighter. That connection then stimulates other things in me that pleasantly reminds me of two things: 1. how long it's been and 2. the fact that it still works.

Anonymous said...

SINGLUTIONARY!!! Ahh, I haven't been keeping up with these interesting developments in your life (I have become swamped with school stress and upcoming exams, yikes!). But I just read the last few posts and I think it is GREAT that you have a special, sexless friend with whom you feel connected and, well, special. I think your post here is brave and eloquent.

As for me, I will have you know that my uncommitted sexual relationship lasted through the summer! But then I had to end it because he was taking things too seriously (ironic, eh?). And I needed to focus on what will now consume me for the next few months, doctoral exams. No way could I do both.

Unfortunately :)

-- L

The Singlutionary said...

I just LOVE the variety of comments that I have gotten on this post. I am surprised that so many folks are supportive/excited about abstinence. I always felt that it was a very unpopular thing that really hits people at their core as being backwards or something.

Beatrice: Thank you for your comment. "I'm the best sex I've ever had" is a great line. Although I'm not sure I can lay claim to that one!

Special K: If you want to have a one night stand, you should! just make sure the guy isn't a kidnapper and knows how to use a condom. I've had one night stands, I think. I'm not sure I thought they were one night stands at the time, but I figured it out afterwards. If I never had, I would definiely want to give it a try.

Bobbyboy: Thank you for pointing that out! Yes, this is a stage. I've had other stages and this is a new stage. I don't know how long it will last or where it will lead or who I will be afterwards but I'm willing to ride it out.

Clever Elsie: I LOVE that this inspired you to write a response and I went and read your response but didn't get a chance to comment. It was wonderful in the way all your posts are . . . a well thought out and broad analysis of our culture. I will go back and comment ASAP.

Celia: I am glad there is a club! I'm so glad I'm not alone. I was feeling like a freak for choosing abstinence for non-religious reasons while at the same time, not choosing it for life.

Lisa: I am so glad to have an update on your friend with benefits and your schooling life. And I am so glad you dropped by. I wish your un-relationship could have kept on working out but you already have a relationship with your studies. I guess you had to quit fooling around on the side.

Susan Walsh said...

I love it that you've been at this for a while, but are still discovering new things about yourself and your past. Finding this kind of insight into your sexual experiences is awesome - I do think it takes abstinence at times to get rid of all the extraneous stimuli so that we can see ourselves clearly. Sexual abstinence, but also taking a relationship break the way you have. You keep peeling away the confusing layers one at a time, and you have learned so much about yourself and what makes you happy (and unhappy)!

I must confess, though. I'd love it if you and Admirer ended your dry spells together! I think there's a romantic comedy here just dying to come out.

iol. said...

is there an "advice columnist" - either in the newspaper or online - of the type that answers these types of questions .... because they have a LOT more experience in this type of topic/issue and will probably have some interesting thoughts and ideas ....

In Australia we have a few "sex therapists" that are in the press and write books etc .... I just googled one to see if she had a blog or website etc and in fact she has a site and a forum .... you'll have to see if you can post something yourself or email her and any conditions etc....

"As one of Australia's first sex therapists...."


Have a thing if there are any similar people in the US and hunt around for their web presence ... because you can then ask them everything you want to know ... warning though .... you'll have to condense your question to only a few sentences!!!

Good luck!

SingleWomenRule.com said...

We shared this post on the site today! I can't wait to hear what happens next! - Keysha

The Singlutionary said...

Susan: You say: You keep peeling away the confusing layers one at a time, and you have learned so much about yourself and what makes you happy (and unhappy)!

Thank you for saying that. I've never thought of it that way before and as I'm looking for a new way to continue this blog, a new approach to take in writing here, I think I like that. Each post is another layer of the onion!

Yolanda: Thanks so much for the advice. I did google to see if there were any really good sites about what to do INSTEAD of sex (but that is physically intimate) but just found a lot of crap aimed at teenagers about being abstinent.

Keysha: Thank you so much for reposting! I need to visit Single Women Rule more often. I miss reading your posts!

Trauma Queen said...

hmmm..how dyu know he's not lying ;)

well in India, if women from traditional families do not get married, chances are they will remain virgins for the rest of their lives...so it is possible to stay abstinent forever. In the States where sex and romance are closely interconnected - it makes sense to find mr abstinent bizarre. Well forget culture - sex is a basic human drive- how can anyone go without it unless they have a hormonal problem? what about asexuals? well who knows.... to each his own I suppose.

what about vibrating multispeeds? they can ease some tension right?

The Singlutionary said...

Trauma Queen: Oh yes, I have a collection of busted out vibrating multispeeds. Its helps but it is not the same thing.

I appreciate your point about our culture where sex and romance and love are all considered different parts of the same thing. I am realizing that sex (and romantic physical affection) make me feel loved and adored no matter how false that may be. I think it is the same for men too in a way. I don't feel like a guy really likes me until he kisses me. Until then, we're just friend. Of course, after that we might still be just friends also!

It is BIZARRE for a man in the states to not have had sex for so long. Especially since sexual conquests are such a big part of the male identity here. It does set him apart. And at first I thought he was lying because it is just too crazy to believe. But now I believe him.

Kim Ray said...

What do i stand for in this world without my lover by my side?, This was the taught that was running through my mind when my lover departed from me. You know one thing i believe in is that once you are having problems that are bringing you down God always use people to raise you up. In my case it was Dr.Zadson that was used in helping me get my lover back, Since the help of Dr.Zadson i must say that my relationship has been filled with more love and as a matter of fact my lover never does a thing without me. So you see this is the more reason why i must thank Dr.Zadson and the more reason why i must put his details on this site to enable other people contact him via email