Singlutionary

Happy Singlutionary Holiday Venting!

2011-12-17T14:37:00.003-06:00

Oh! The holidays are stressful for everyone: If you're single there are minefields of "+1" invitations, awkward questions and family pressures. If you're coupled there is the ordeal of sharing family time between double families, in-laws (or in-loves) and having to buy way too many presents.

Or maybe there is none of that!

How about a pressure free, come-as-you-are-and-celebrate-your-life-holiday this year?

Too simple? Too trite?

The only way to get through a stressful time is with humor and a place to vent. So, for those who need some venting, here it is! Vent to your hearts content right here! No holes bared. Secretly, all of us will understand. In the good nature of venting, nobody is allowed to rain on anyone's venting parade! Venting ONLY!

Single people, married people and anyone in between.

Vent your holiday frustrations. My only requirement is that you at least TRY to be funny about it!

May 2012 come quickly and may the 1st 11 months of the year last long.

Love, Singlutionary

Singlism on Prime Time!

2011-11-22T13:25:00.004-06:00

So the comedy show "Whitney" has an episode about singlism! In this episode Whitney and her live-in boyfriend are denied adopting a dog because they aren't married. Of course this isn't about singlism in the "living solo" sense since they are a couple, but singlism is still getting some attention! I know this will spark some conversation amongst my blogger friends!

Here is the link which hopefully will be active for some time:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/301496/whitney-clarence

What do you think of this?

Singlutionary's Scuba Story

2011-11-20T10:34:00.003-06:00

SCUBA diving isn't something you can do solo. You need a buddy.

I've got lots of buddies but none of them are into scuba diving. In fact, I'm surprised that I'm into scuba diving. As a kid I was alternately enchanted with and terrified by water. I'm not athletic and although I am adventurous, I've never been into activities that require a lot of gear and investment. So I've enjoyed activities which require little startup costs: hiking, running, biking, swimming.

But last year I went and surprised everyone, including myself, and got SCUBA certified. I took a class at my school where I am a graduate student. It is a Physical Education class and was filled with mostly 19 year olds. Everyone was skinnier and younger than me including the sexy hick instructor. The financial considerations were difficult but possible to overcome: I just had to postpone paying off debt and invest in a wetsuit and pay the extra fee instead.

I figured it was a gift to myself for my 30th birthday.

When the class was over, I was certified to dive but I still didn't have anyone to dive with. None of my young classmates were potential buddies and I didn't really know anyone else who dove. So I took another class. In the Master SCUBA Diver class, I had 3 classmates: Two almost identical looking 19 year old boys and another woman in her late 20s. I was excited about the other woman, thinking I might make friends with her -- until we dove together. I had to help her put together her gear because she "didn't like that part" so her boyfriend usually did it for her.

What?

This shit keeps you alive underwater. You'd think you might want to know how it works!

She was a nice person but not buddy material. Plus, she already had a built-in-buddy -- one who would do her thinking for her.

So a couple weeks ago, for my 31st birthday I went on a dive trip to this spring fed pool in West Texas that I'd been dreaming of going to even before I began scuba diving. Imagine a giant swimming hole with crystal clear water in the middle of the desert? It is a full 6 hours from any major (or minor) city. This place is called Balmorhea and it is a mirage -- but a real one.

I signed up for a trip with other divers, thinking that there would be other people going without a buddy and I would have a whole bunch of potential future buddies to choose from -- kinda like a singles mixer for scuba divers. Of course I had to pay double the "per person" rate because I didn't have anyone to share a room with. A month before the trip was about to depart my best friend and roommate, the Handywoman, decided she would come. I had already paid for the room so all she had to do was drive (not an easy task really since Balmorhea is the very definition of "middle of nowhere").

Handywoman doesn't dive but there was swimming and hiking and lots of other activities.

We got there late on Thursday for the night dive. There were already some other divers in the water so I waited for some new divers to arrive. I saw one girl getting her gear together and undaunted, trotted up to her and asked if I could join her.

"What?" was her response. She acted like I was an alien -- maybe I was, I mean, we were near supposed alien territory -- the Marfa Lights.

"Do you mind if I get my gear and join you?" I asked again.

"Well. I already have a buddy" she said awkwardly and yet at the same time proudly since she obviously wasn't an alien like me trying to make friends with the already buddy-ready humans. "I don't know," she continued "are threesomes allowed?"

They were -- since the water was so clear and shallow but I could tell that she definitely wasn't interested in having a threesome with me and her boyfriend.

All of a sudden I felt like the uninvited guest to an orgy.

"Nevermind, I'll just wait for someone else to come down." I said.

And I did.

But nobody else came.

The next day was similar. I showed up to the pool at about noon and asked the group leader if anyone else had come without a buddy. She listed off a bunch of names and said another group was arriving at 2pm. I waited until dinner time but no other lost aliens-sans-buddy showed up at the pool. I did some swimming and taught Handywoman how to snorkel. I ate cheese and crackers and watermelon in the sun. I had a good time. But I was waiting.

I wanted to dive.

And more than wanting to dive, I wanted a dive partner. I wanted to make a new friend to dive with in the future. Someone with similar skill and interest and someone who would be fun to talk to in a car for 2 hours. It didn't seem too much to ask for when I had paid the double fee.

It was time to go to dinner and I still hadn't been on a dive. I was being positive on the outside but honestly I was frustrated. I had missed the night dive and now I had missed a whole day of diving. The next day was slated for hiking. I had to be more aggressive if I was going to find a dive partner. The dinner was my only hope. It was a group dinner with the other people on the trip and I hoped that I would meet some of the other buddyless divers there.

I was quickly disappointed. There were the dive instructors and their families at one end of the table, a mother daughter team and then an entire family of which only the mom & dad & daughter dove. The daughter was a teenager and the parents were parents. Plus, they all had each other to dive with and could afford to go on week long dive trips to exotic locations. I needed someone who could dive locally and, like me, would have to save up to go on a big dive trip.

To add insult to injury, in walks the humanoid-buddy-girl and her boyfriend. At first I attempted to make conversation with them but after overhearing a conversation she had with my roommate (which made no sense what-so-ever) I tried to avoid eye contact. That was fine with her as she proceeded to get drunk and interrogate her boyfriend about his family. It was impossible not to overhear but it was also like being on someone else's first date. I was impressed that people could be an official couple and know so little about each other. No wonder she was so reluctant to have a "threesome".

I did end up diving the next day. I just got in by myself and found the other folks who were down there -- an older couple who had told me that I could join them. I tried to get another night dive in but everyone else was done with diving by then.

The trip wasn't a total bust. I enjoyed it, enjoyed the time spent with Handywoman and got to see a place that I'd been dreaming of for a long long time. I got to dive once and the place is so small that I saw everything there was to see. Although I would really have liked to do the night dive because critters come out at night that hide during the day -- like turtles.

But I didn't find a buddy. Everyone already came coupled -- and not just with a scuba buddy but with a partner. I realized that scuba diving is something that couples do together. They get certified so they can go on vacation together. It is a couple-y thing to do.

Whenever I've wanted to do something that you're "supposed" to do with a partner, I've just done it by myself. But what happens when its an activity that can not be done solo? My first response was to join a group. But what if the group is already made up of unalterable partnerships?

I'm not sure what to do next to meet single scuba divers who need a buddy. There is a scuba meetup in town that I can attend when I have time. Meetup tends to have a lot of solo people looking for folks to do things with. But for right now diving is on hold. Plus, its getting colder and the drought has left our already nasty lakes even nastier.

Finding a scuba buddy is turning out to be a lot like finding a mate: a pain in the ass. But while I can continue to live my life without a partner, I can't go diving without one.

At least I have until the spring to save up enough hope to try again.

Sticky Single Social Situations

2011-10-15T12:10:00.004-05:00

Every activity comes with a community, even something as solitary as blogging. Of course, my blog friends never invite me to go out for drinks after a long day of blogging. And this is just fine with me (although in the early days of Singlutionary, Onely & I discussed a Singlutionary-Onely camping meetup somewhere in the USA).

The social nature of a work community can be an important one. It can also be incredibly annoying. I love my co-workers and I think they're good people but they're not my best friends. I don't want to go out after work with them to drink and I don't want to hang out with them outside of work. I am happy for them and their lives but for the most part I'm not interested in celebrating their birthdays, graduations, baby shower, moving, etc.

If I'm going to carve out social time in my life, I would prefer it be with the good friends that I rarely get to see.

What is the best way to politely decline social invitations from co-workers? I appreciate their humor and commraderie at work but I'm not interested in extending that work-friendship into what would be a social obligation outside of work.

Let me put it this way: If I'm not being paid to be around them, I wouldn't choose to be.

That is so RUDE! I know. But it is true.

So how do I avoid these social traps, these persistent invitations?

The 1st rule is: Don't start. Don't say "yes" ever. Sometimes I accept the offer once because I think that then I'll have put in my time and I won't feel so bad about saying "no" next week and the week after that and the week after that. But it doesn't work that way. I say "yes" once and suddenly there is this outside-of-work-bond, an expectation that there will be more socializing to follow.

The 2nd rule is: Always be busy. It is harder single and childless people to beg off from after work social activities. It is rude to say "Oh, I'd love to go out with you tonight but I have this book that I am really into" but it is totally OK to say "I'd love to go out tonight but my partner is waiting for me". So, as a single person, you have to make up "important" things to do that someone else will hold you accountable for the next day -- like another job or homework or some kind of volunteer activity. Or you could just tell the truth. But honestly, if we're talking about people who would be understanding of my desire to read a book rather than shoot the shit with them for 4 hours, they might actually be outside-of-work-friend material.

The 3rd rule is: Be vague. If you say, "I'd love to but I run at 6am every Saturday morning" you might find yourself with an unwelcome running companion or being asked to join every running group under the sun. Maybe this is welcome to you -- if so, great! That means that your work community is a good match for you socially. Currently, mine is not. So here is a vague answer, "I'd love to but I have to get up super early tomorrow to get some stuff done before noon".

These are my well practiced tactics for avoiding the after-work hangout but what about the facebook invite? People invite you via facebook and they act like its a real invitation. The 1st line of resistance would be to not have a facebook or have a facebook that is so secret that only your most inner circle of 5 people can find you. Of course, that totally defeats the whole purpose of facebook which is to kill time by making yourself feel depressed about how sexy and successful all your former classmates are.

I like to pretend I didn't see the facebook invite. But what do I do when I get asked about it in person? What do I do when I really do like and appreciate the person but simply don't want to spend non-work time with them when time is at such a precious premium?

I don't know. Not attend? Attend for a few minutes and then leave? Get them a card and give it to them at work in lieu of attending said celebration.

I am sure that the celebration would be fun. But it just isn't high enough up on my list of how I'd like to spend my time.

Coupled folks can always use the other person as an excuse but singles have to get creative.

There are all kinds of important relationships and work relationships have sustained me many times through out my single life. But at this particular juncture, at this particular job, I'd like to leave them at work. No matter how much I appreciate them as humans.

When Singlutionary is "Sick of Being Single!"

2011-10-09T02:30:00.003-05:00

In my last post, I mentioned that, in part, my long hiatus from blogging was due to feeling "sick of being single": I felt like a hypocrite.

But Eleanore of The Spinsterlicious Life wrote a delightful comment which inspired me to write more about the very thing which prevented me from writing.

Being single is an adventure -- especially if you're someone who has never been single and suddenly finds yourself there or if you've lived a life where you've never felt comfortable with being single but suddenly realize that learning to be comfortable with being single is the most important thing you can do for yourself.

When I started this blog 3 years ago I was excited at the thought of learning how to be happy and single. I was fresh out of a pretty sketchy relationship with my former therapist. (Duh, bad idea, right?) I was still in and barely coming out of a deep-down-supper-shitty, bad-as-its-ever-been low point. I was upset with myself for making yet another bad decision when it came to a relationship (or relationship material) and upset at the universe for all the time and space I had wasted in my life wishing for some Knight in Badboy Armor to come trotting into my life only to rip my life out of my own hands and trample it under his sexy horse.

But after being single for 2 years, the gloss and struggle of singleness wore of. There was a honeymoon period that I had with myself and it was over.

But I loved the community I had found through Singlutionary. This blog fed my soul and my fellow bloggers were a rare light for me during a very difficult time. I felt sane and comprehended and like I was a part of something important when I wrote and read and commented and conversed in the singles blog-o-sphere. So I kept trying to keep this blog up.

But I was bored. I was bored with everything. After a traumatic experience, it takes a long time to feel stable again. And at first that stability is like this great and wondrous thing. It feels SO GOOD.

And then it gets boring. Suddenly, stability is taken for granted. I wondered what was next? What would I do with my life now that I had my life back in my own hands, mended of horse hooves and heartbreak?

I needed a new real life friend, some intellectual stimulation and a job that didn't suck.

And I wanted to be with someone in a sexual/love relationship because THAT seemed like the new adventure. And because I'd finally got enough confidence in myself and in the world to think that being in a relationship could be a positive thing -- as long as I did it Singlutionary style.

Well, the first relationship was a disaster of needyness. I was Singlutionary and the other member of this relationship was Needilutionary. It was over almost before it began, but not soon enough.

I was so glad to be single again after that 4 month 1st try.

But I hadn't had sex in over 2 years and I was on the prowl. But THAT story is the subject of another post.

The point of this post is that even if you're totally happy and comfortable with being single, sometimes you get bored. Sometimes you're bored because your job is boring or because your friends are all old farts or because you're an old fart and only like to watch old episodes of The Wonder Years on VHS and think about the olden days.

Sometimes you're horny because you haven't had sex in 2 years and you've just turned 30.

It is OK to crave a new adventure! Sometimes this adventure means going offline for a bit, or quitting writing for a bit. And sometimes this adventure means trying out that thing that we're all about doing just fine without -- a relationship.

What adventures are you craving? When do you know that you're entering into this new adventure not out a desperate need to get away from where-you-are but because you're ready to share where-you-are with the world?

Comment Away!

Love,

Singlutionary

PS: The wordpress site isn't quite ready yet but getting a little closer every week. My new academic/work/social schedule permits me to check in, comment, read and post about once a week so it will be a matter of weeks before the transition to wordpress is complete.

Singlutionary Has Got Some New Moves

2011-10-06T15:25:00.003-05:00

Hey. So, I'm back from outer space. I'm not sure what I learned there and I unfortunately wasn't able to master the native tongue of the alien people.

But I'm back. Several half relationships, several half jobs, a few whole jobs and maybe even some hand jobs later, I return to the blog-o-sphere.

I quit writing here not because I didn't love it but because my financial life needed attending, my physical self needed to be out of the house and off the computer and because, for a while, I just didn't know what to write about. I was at the same time sick of being single (what a hypocrite am I!) and unable to articulate how I felt about the few not-so-awful-but-not-really-great relationships or quazi relationships that I was going through or ending or starting (you never really know when a quazi relationship starts or ends, right?).

I had also exhausted a wealth of revelatory ideas about singleness and happiness. I knew that I was good at being single, that a lot of personal time and space suits me but I didn't know what else to say on the topic -- unless I started repeating old themes which was the most uninspiring proposition on earth. So I left for outer space.

So what are my new moves now that I'm back on the bandwagon? Just telling stories about my life and sharing insights about what other single bloggers are writing. And just being a positive source of entertainment for you -- be you single or coupled or something in between. I'm also beginning a project with my car, Tomatobot. I'm sure you can't wait to hear the stories that come out of me & Tomatobot's quality time together. Its like a slumber party with a giant diesel machine. The pillow fights are more like an oil spill.

I'm also moving my blog away from blogger and onto wordpress. I will miss my blogger community and it will take me a while to get all my blogroll and subscriptions back up to date but I look forward to easier blogging/commenting/subscribing.

I will post here again when the move takes place, but "singlutionary.com" will always take you to the Singlution.

It feels mighty fine & good to be back! And I look forward to settling in and catching up on my favorite blogs as well.

Love,

Singlutionary

Living Single: Bella's Book on Singlism

2011-04-22T08:28:00.003-05:00

Singlism activist Bella DePaulo is writing another book on being single -- this one is specifically about "singlism" and the prejudice single people experience socially, in the workplace, in advertising, on vacation and pretty much everywhere. Bella seeks to remove the stigma from single and she is very good at tearing down anti-single arguments. Both Bella and Christina and Lisa at Onely are my Singlutionary heroes, fighting the good fight to make single normal and not a state of emptiness or waiting or lovelessness as it is often perceived and projected to be. They even attempt to tackle institutionalized singlism like laws that make life shittier for single people. All I do is right this blog a few times a month. But Bella and Lisa and Christina actively fight singlism.

Bella has asked for contributions on her blog from other Singlutionaries and I encourage you to check out her post and her blog. She asked the following questions (please add your own to the comments):

Do you have a favorite answer to the question, "Why are you single?"
Have you addressed other people's false assumptions of what your single life is like? Which approaches have worked best?
Have you found any successful ways of dealing with singlism in the workplace? For example, if you have been asked to cover more than your share of holidays or overtime or travel, have you handled those experiences in ways that resulted in positive changes?
Have you ever let a business know that their advertisements or practices were dismissive of singles or unfair to them?
Have you ever written a letter to an editor, author, reporter, social scientist, or anyone else pointing out an act of singlism and explaining what is wrong with it? (Share your letter, if you are willing, and let us know if it was ever published or acknowledged.)
Have you ever stood up to a speaker at a public event and challenged their singlism? (Positive stories are welcome, too. For example, have you ever publicly thanked a speaker for acknowledging the real stories of singles' lives rather than perpetuating already-debunked myths?)
Do you write an enlightened blog about singles or maintain a website or run an organization or give talks or workshops that you would like more people to know about? If so, drop all modesty and briefly explain what's so great about what you are doing. (Please, no dating stuff.) I maintain a list of blogs and other resources at my website, but I'll probably only include in the book ones from people who tell me they'd like to be included and who offer their own description of what they are doing. I think it is important to have part of the book written in other people's voices.
Have you held political leaders (or other people in power) to account for their singlism or thanked them for their actions and policies that are fair to single people? Have you explained to any of them the kinds of policies and practices that would be fair to single people (without being unfair to anyone else)?
Have you knocked on doors, handed out pamphlets, given to advocacy groups (name your favorites), volunteered your time, or done anything else to raise consciousness or stamp out singlism?

Below is my contribution to Bella's project:

Fighting the good fight against any kind of prejudice happens on two fronts: There are changes in policy and there are changes in culture. My mixed race parents were married a couple years after the miscegenation laws were formally taken off the books in California. However, mixed race marriage had steadily gained cultural acceptance long before the law changed. The same could be said for singlism: We change policies as fast as we change culture and we change culture through changing laws. I've made a conscious decision to use my blog, Singlutionary, to work on changing the cultural perceptions and acceptance around being single. It takes many voices to make a shift like this and I am proud to be one of them.

My blog, Singlutionary, is about my life: I have been single for all 30 years of it save a few months here and there. My longest relationship has been with my car. I own a house, have been driving the same car for 7 years (which I maintain myself). I also have maintained friendships from Kindergarten even before the advent of facebook. I have three roommates, a dog, three chickens and a garden. I organize family reunions and camping trips and meetup groups. I'm a failed actor turned academic.

So what is so great about all that? I do it single. I navigate this world not with one partner but with a community of friends, co-workers, roommates and neighbors. My life is full and valid and equally deserving of praise and presents as is the 25 year old married couple who just bought a house in a great school district. So when my cousin prods into my dating life and desperately tries to encourage me to desperately try harder to find a partner so that I can be just like her, well, I write about it. I write about all the comforts and discomforts of being single because I wasn't always so comfortable with it. When I began writing the blog it was during a time when all my single friends would come to me for advice, not realizing that I felt broken and wrong for always being single. I was their single hero yet I felt like I had completely ruined my life without even realizing it. I was 27 and had just broken up with a man who I thought I would marry. To be honest, I didn't even really like him. But I wanted to prove to my family that I was not a failure. I wanted to do something that would validate me in the eyes of the world -- that would position me as a fully formed woman and not a girl lost in a sea of indecision. I didn't realize that the sea of indecision was merely a subconscious acceptance of our culture's concept that a person doesn't really "grow up" until they "settle down". I was waiting to commit to myself because I thought I had to commit to someone else first.

There are so many states of being single. There are so many experiences. Some people, like me, are single for long periods of time and some people marry their high school sweetheart and are not single until much later in life. Singleness in not a space of lacking: It is a space of wonder and excitement and peace. It is also a state of frustration, confusion and sadness. Being single is not better or worse than being coupled. But it is where I am and how I live my life and right now, I am going to rock the Singlution.

That is what Singlutionary is all about.

Singlutionary's Non-Solo Vacation

2011-04-02T00:06:00.004-05:00

I don't want to go on vacation by myself this year. I am bored with myself. I am sick of talking to myself. So, instead of going home to visit my old parents and having to sit around doing nothing, in one of the most beautiful regions of America, I am going to take some hot young friends with me.

And by "hot young friends" I mean interesting, wonderful people who still like to do things and still have the space in their lives to go on a trip with me.

I am making new friends, yes. And most of them are younger. By the time they're my age, I don't know that they'll have the space in their life to go on vacation with me. Marriage changes many things and committing to living life with one person makes for less time to commit to vacationing with another person. Having children makes people homebound and unable to freely adventure.

For a long time I have felt that making new friends was futile, since eventually everyone would couple and abandon me. But now I am hopeful, that I can make lasting friendships which will endure marriage and children. I hope to make friends with people who's friendship and company I can continue to value and count on many years down the road, in part because we share the same basic ideals when it comes to how we want to live.

I don't need many of these friends because friendship like that is a commitment in-and-of-itself. I can only have a few best friends at a time.

But having some fun and active friends to travel with this summer inspires me and makes me excited about life again in a way I haven't been for a long time. My best friend from kindergarten and I used to travel together and we used to dream up these elaborate roadtrips which would be ever so much better simply because of each other's company. But she is moving to the opposite coast with her family and I need new friends with whom I can play.

After three years of solitude, I am ready to open up to some good company and to companionship which is mutually beneficial and inspiring. I've been with myself so long that I have grown all I can without some external influence, without a new voice and perhaps some challenges to my way of looking at things. I am ready to travel with wonderful others, experiencing old things through their eyes and visa versa.

I am ready to play with others.

Or at least I will be in 3 weeks. Right now I am drowning in the whole school/work/life/house/pet world which is my life these days.

But summer is almost upon us and with it, some of the best adventures I've had in a long time.

There is nothing better than good company. And for a long time, that good company was my own. But now I am ready for someone new.

Marching to My Own Beat, Dear

2011-03-05T08:10:00.003-06:00

While writing is definitely my thing, being timely about it is not. In college, I turned in every paper late but I promised myself that I would not be a tardy student in graduate school. But here I am with a two week overdue paper and no time to write it in.

The problem with turning in papers late (aside from the grade aspect) is that I am missing out on a shared experience with my fellow classmates. I realize that, in many ways this experience is similar to being single over 30. Just as my classmates are reviewing and revising their returned papers, my peers are buying furniture with their partners and raising children. When I turn my paper in next week, it will be a solo experience because everyone else has already moved onto their revisions.

Of course, life doesn't have the same kind of deadlines that school has and there are many wonderful, fun & amazing single women over 30 -- I just don't know any of them in real life (I know lots of them online though!! Last week I wrote about looking for these wonderful single friends.) But I do have a different feeling about being single now that I've crossed the threshold into my 30s.

I am in no way saying that there is anything wrong with being single after 30 or that I am unhappily single. Nor am I saying that 30 is an age deadline for coupling. I am just saying that I didn't go with the majority. And I miss that common experience.

When it comes to time management, I've always been a busy person with this demanding Drill Sargent in my head saying "Get up. Work out. Quit being lazy. Keep going. Are you a quitter?" This Drill Sargent was effective for the first half of my life but has recently become this thing that I rebel against daily. I watch TV just because it temporarily silences the Drill Sargent.

The other morning I woke up angry and tired after a semi-sleepless night. I had so much to do and this unfinished paper tugging at me and a dirty house and an unwalked dog and a car that needs work and a garden that needs planting and chickens that need a chicken run (and on and on and on).

And then I thought to myself "What would I do for myself right now if I were my own best friend?"

And the answer was: "I'd go get myself some water and make myself some breakfast and a cup of tea and then I'd clean the house."

The thing is, those were the things that I was going to do that morning anyway. But approaching them from a nurturing perspective, from a place of caring for myself, was so much more joyful than just jumping at the Drill Sargent's commands.

So now I am trying to cultivate this new voice in my mind which sounds like a sweet little old lady and ends every sentence in "dear": "You might want to work on that paper now, dear. You will feel so much better when it is done, dear."

I call her Mother Nurture. She is very encouraging.

So, when it comes to being single I could listen to the Drill Sargent who says: "Quick! Quick! Quick! You aren't getting any younger! Get online. Date. Even if you don't like him and he is ugly and negative and a total downer. Give it a shot. Do you want to die lonely and miserable? Everyone else is already married. They have something to live for! What is wrong with you? Hurry up. Get in line. Do some pushups and put on some makeup -- you need it!"

Or I can listen to Mother Nurture: "Dear, you've got plenty of time. You're a wonderful person. You have done a lot today, just think of all you've accomplished. You listened to your friend and talked to your dad and you worked in the yard and went to a rehearsal. Look at how accomplished you are, dear. Now, I know you're tired, dear, but wouldn't you feel better if you finished up that volunteer work you've been trying to get to for a month. It will only take an hour or so. Just finish that up tonight and then tomorrow afternoon you will have time to work on that paper. You have enough time, dear. Don't worry."

Now this is either schizophrenic or totally awesome. I love Mother Nurture. She helps me take care of myself instead of beating myself to bits every day. I think I might be able to turn papers in on time now that I'm not just trying to silence the Drill Sargent with compulsive Hulu watching.

I can't say, however, that I'll be "on time" with the rest of my life. After all, I march to my own beat, dear.

A Small Community of Close Friends

2011-02-26T09:22:00.005-06:00

Since my post earlier this week on the Chicken Funeral, I've been thinking: Why am I such a whiner? I have wonderful friends and know really good people? Why am I so pissed off that nobody wanted to participate in my chicken funeral. I mean, it sounds like tons of fun, right?

After I performed the solo chicken funeral (in which even the chickens refused to participate), I went to a work meeting. And as I was arriving, a married couple who have a farm were dropping off their 1st official produce delivery EVER. They had two friends with them who were making a documentary about their farm and were taping this milestone in their farming business/life together.

For some reason, this added insult to injury. These people have a whole group of people who care about what they are doing and all support each other in doing it. They are making an official documentary about what they are doing and I am a one woman chicken grave digging idiot who props a camera up on a fence to document the death of my pet because nobody else is there to witness it.

Why am I not simply single, but SOLO is so many of my endeavors? "Wah wah wah! Why am I always alone? Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. I guess I'll go eat chicken."

Well, the pity party ends here. Because after further thought I realized that I do have community. But my community isn't based around one interest. I know a lot of wonderful people all with different lifestyles and callings and professions. There is a backyard chicken keeping organization in my town that I am 100% inactive with although I do check their bulletin board on a regular basis. However, I've never been to an event or contributed. I don't have time and honestly, I'm not THAT interested in having my chickens take over my life. If I were a more active member of the group, I would have a serious chicken community of live chicken lovers and dead chicken mourners.

Then, I received a video from my friend that her sister, sister's partner and their friends had made. The video is funny and slightly like unto the funeral video except that they behead one of their chickens and prepare it for dinner. There are several people active in this video and there is more than one person to hold the camera, and a person to hold the chicken and another person to wield the axe that chops off the chickens head.

They all decided to do this together. This is their life and their friends and this is what they do for fun (make a video about killing and eating their chicken -- not the actual act of killing the chicken).

THAT is what I want (just the vegetarian version).

This seems every obvious to me now.

I've always been pursuing groups of people and volunteering my time and getting involved in community hoping that I'll find a community of my own. But the truth is that all I need are a few good friends with an inclusive attitude and a long-term commitment to our friendship.

I moved far away from my hometown (where the friend with the chicken head chopping sister lives) and in doing so, left behind many of my childhood friends. But I've been in my new city five years and I've put down roots. At the same time, I've been so busy building community for other people (through my meetup or my dog rescue work or through volunteering my ass off for one cause after another) that I haven't really taken the time to build my own individual, long term friendships. My roommates tend to be temporary and so I have quit letting them too much into my life, knowing that in a few months they'll move on. I've quit seeking new friends because so many of my friends disappeared once they got into a relationship. At some point I gave up on friendship.

I'm seeking people (not just one person) to live life with and share in the victories and failures. The community doesn't have to be big and it doesn't have to be centered upon ONE mutual interest. Maybe we enjoy each other's humor or maybe we enjoy the same activities. But we somehow commit to being there for each other as a small group and holding the camera for each other whenever it is needed.

I see how the friendships that I have continued to nurture are not practical ones, mainly because these friends live far away or are married and have children. What I need to allow myself to let into my life are friends with a similar mindset and lifestyle who live where I do and are available to support me as I support them. What I am looking for is not only a partner, but a small community of close friends (of which some may also be lovers).

Instead of welcoming people into the city and helping them get adjusted and saving dogs and film and blah-de-blah. I need to save myself a little space to make a life in. A life filled with friendship and caring and community to which I contribute, but also receive.

A Singlutionary Chicken Funeral

2011-02-21T09:00:00.004-06:00

I have pet chickens in my backyard.

My least favorite chicken died yesterday. We weren't that close. I have a special bond with my other chickens -- they all have strong personalities and are feisty or stubborn or friendly. They stand out from the crowd but Little Beer was a quiet simple chicken. Maybe she had a deep inner life.

Who knows? She was a chicken. And now she is dead.

Yesterday, Little Beer's sister, Mohawk -- the other silkie chicken that she was brought up with from chickdom -- was bereaved. Mohawk wouldn't talk or eat or move. She just stood there stunned. Last night, instead of making a perch on the toilet in their coop (where she usually sleeps), she curled up on the floor of the coop. I poked her to make sure she was still alive. She looked at me without any recognition. I tried to get her to eat the most delicious chicken feed but she wouldn't budge. I thought this morning I would have another fluffy yellow chicken body to bury.

But this morning Mohawk hopped out of the coop with the other chickens, her period of morning, at least temporarily, ended. I brought her her own food and made the other chickens back off so she could eat, but there was no need: Mohawk was hungry and wasn't going to be bullied. She was back to her better self.

I have great plans for a chicken funeral. I want to dress up in my farmer outfit (where I look very much like my avatar from the formerly addictive facebook game, Farmville) and say some words over Little Beer's grave with the other chickens in attendance. I want to bury her with some good food and a bottle of beer. It would be fun and playful and a genuine celebration of Little Beer's life.

Lately I have taken to obsessively videotaping myself giving monologues while doing various things or going about my life. I do this because I do so many things alone and I want someone to share them with. So, I video them so that I can either edit the videos and share the online or so that I can just feel like there is someone to talk to about my experiences -- even if that "someone" is a credit card sized crappy video camera.

I would like to videotape the chicken funeral. But then I realize, it might be difficult to find someone to hold the camera. And there isn't enough time to train my dog to do it.

Like many single people, I have friends. I have wonderful friends and wonderful roommates. But as Special K commented on my Vday post, my life lacks intimacy. In the past, I have had intimate friendships where we knew everything about each other and talked all the time and we were available to each other for support no matter what. But as my friends coupled off or married, our intimate friendship was crowded out by their intimate partnership with their partner or spouse. And now, all too aware of the energies a romantic relationship demands, I am reluctant to develop new intimate friendships because I know that they are essentially temporary, a stop gap until one of us couples.

Although I take issue with the way our culture works, it is still the way our culture works.

And so, with the death of Little Beer, I also realize that what I would really like is a capable, supportive person in my life who would enjoy participating in a chicken funeral and would gracefully hold the video camera while I perform the necessary invented rites required to lay Little Beer to rest. It is an odd request and one made on a weekday in cloudy weather. If I am going to put the fun back in chicken funeral, I would like another human to share this unique experience with.

There are a few people I could call upon. I could ask one of my roommates, I could ask my best city friend. But people are busy. There are so many other things to do.

V is for Victorious

2011-02-13T08:15:00.002-06:00

Thank you to Onely for their wonderful Valentines Day profile of happy single bloggers (of which Singlutionary is included).

This Valentines Day, I feel victorious. Not because I have a boyfriend to shower me in calories and crap but because I am not angstified over not having one.

I've actually never had a boyfriend or partner or date on Valentines day. I've always celebrated alone, not understanding what all the fuss is about. When I was a teenager I worked in a chocolate shop and had to wait on all the angsty men who came in knowing that whatever they got their woman would somehow not be enough or somehow be wrong. As a result, they would not only NOT get laid, but they would end up sleeping on the couch.

And then there is my friend who's then boyfriend got her a dead plant for V-day. She married him anyways, found out he was a freeloader over the course of the next 7 years and is now engaged to someone else.

If I were in a relationship, I would want to pretend that Valentines Day doesn't exist.

As a matter of fact, I am avoiding one of the men I've been dating this weekend. This particular gentleman -- I'll call him Suburban Sailboater -- seems like he might be a bit into romance. We've only been out twice and I like him but I need to tell him that I like him as a FRIEND. I realized during the second date that I am simply not interested in him romantically -- mainly because I can't see being in a relationship with him due to a lack of conversational chemistry but also due to his making some weird kissing NOISES when he was kissing my neck (like a hissy kissy sound). I don't know why but the hissy kissy sound made my vagina immediately close up shop for the night and drove him straight into friend territory.

I know, I know. I shouldn't be so picky about the hissy kissy from the Suburban Sailboater.

Whatever. If a guy isn't hot on the 2nd date, things are NOT going to get better. And by hot I don't mean tall, dark and handsome (although Suburban Sailboater is definitely tall, dark and geeky) but merely a good sexual match -- someone with whom I share a massive sexual chemistry worthy of sixteen condoms.

But I digress. This Valentines Day I am victorious because I am not TRYING to make something work just because I want something special to happen on V-day. I am not going on a forced date or pining away for Mr. Awesome. I am grateful for Suburban Sailboater and hope that we can develop a friendship sometime NEXT weekend when we are safely out of the V-day zone.

I am comfortable with myself, proud of where I am and satisfied with the work meeting/job interview/audition/homework that I will be doing tomorrow on St. Valentines Day.

Romance is always the best when it is organic and unexpected. The pressures of Valentines Day would best be served somewhere else. With less pomp, less force, less candy, fewer creepy pink bears and less expectation. And, dare I say it: With MORE love.

There are many folks who take the opportunity to celebrate Valentines day by celebrating all the non-romantic love in their lives. While I would prefer and just hide out from the holiday, I think that is a wonderful idea.

So if you want to buy someone a creepy pink bear, buy one for the people who love and support you no matter what -- even when you're in the doghouse, on the sofa and hornier than a rhino because you've been celibate for 3 to 30 years.

Seeing Singlutionary

2011-01-21T19:36:00.004-06:00

I've been more or less absent from blogging for over a year now. And although, during this time, I very much wanted to write, wanted to continue to participate in the happily single online community -- I also felt like I had nothing to say.

Either I had nothing to say, or I couldn't figure out what to say.

Writing stopped feeling cathartic because suddenly, being single & happy was, well, boring. I was content. My issues weren't around being single but around working out other kinks in my life.

And, for part of the past year I was not single. I was unhappily coupled, trapped in a strange relationship that I have no idea how I wound up in. It was a friendship gone awry which did teach me a few things about myself that I wasn't aware of: That I am seduceable despite my better intentions, that I am ambitious beyond my wildest beliefs and that I am incompatible with a broad range of personality traits which include heavy drinking, annoying questions and general neediness.

I tried to ride out the relationship with grace in order to save the friendship and failed.

It just wasn't something that I wanted to write about. Especially knowing that my blog would be read by said love-disaster.

A good portion of the year has transpired since that relationship came to a close and I am beginning to experience new revelatory interactions which might result in something more than a post saying "I'll be back soon".

I've also been blessed with many free books which need to be reviewed.

So, tonight, this Friday night, three months after my last post, I am finally on that long awaited date with my blog.

I could be on a date with a man. I have a few prospects, all of which are promising both physically and intellectually. But I am not. I am at home, being the homebody that I am and grateful for this time to jump back into the Singlutionary world.

Even though I suspect that I will not feel single much longer. Because, I have now at my disposal a growing community of smart, funny and interesting men.

Being without men was the only thing that was an issue before. Not in a romantic or even sexual way (although missing sex and intimacy was definitely an issue at times) -- but in some kind of yin/yang balance. I need men in my life just as I need friends with various perspectives and upbringings in my life. I need that male perspective and -- to be quite honest -- the masculine quality in general.

Some of the best times I had this year were with men who I am not romantically involved with -- I hiked to the top of Angel's Landing in Zion and spent a week in Chicago discussing Shakespeare with my Comical Cousin and a week ago today I spend the day hiking outside of Vegas to a delicious hot spring with (an admittedly sexy) Future Fed. And lately Tall Turtle has been buying me beers and generally showing me a good, laid back time (OK, so there is obviously some potential romance there).

But, in general, I think I've finally learned how to be friends with men. And it is a great experience and fills the place in my life that was made empty when my female friends all defected to marriage and babies.

And this blog, my Singlutionary life, is here on Friday nights when the best thing to do is check up with all the wonderful single people out there and their creative, interesting, engaging lives which are so full and joyful and positive despite being considered, by many of our culture, to be missing their "other half".

Date with Myself

2010-11-11T00:04:00.003-06:00

I'm pretty sure that I've written before about friend dates and dating oneself, etc.

I've been dating lately. I've only been on a few dates though because between volunteer meetings and family home evening and scuba diving and grad school and friend's bday parties and working, I don't have a lot of nights free. This means that I often can't make a date for weeks at a time. Men either have to be willing to wait it out because they're so into me or because they have no other social prospects. I'm not sure which.

Despite only being on a few dates, I am tired of this dating thing already. Not because its been a bad experience but because I miss having nights to myself. And because after a while every man seems like the same man and I can't keep track of them unless I name them after their religion, political affiliation or profession (whichever stands out more). Apparently only atheists with PhDs ask me out these days which makes it real hard to tell them apart.

While this post might be a heck of a lot funnier if it were a dating post, it isn't.

Well. Maybe it is.

Because I am going to start dating this blog.

One thing that often falls to the wayside are my various writing projects. They don't have externally imposed deadlines and so far, writing doesn't pay the bills. So I never have time to write. But I love it, I need it, it makes me feel happy and satisfied. Just like a good date or a good meal or a good roll in the hay.

So now, my suitors will have to line up for even longer because I've just taken another date night out of circulation. My Friday nights will be spent with Singlutionary.

Of course, I still have to finish out the next two dates. Oh. It is so exhausting. And of course if a really great prospect comes along, I'll go out with him on a Friday night and skip my Singlutionary date that week. I've got to balance real life with online life.

But, once again, this raises the bar. I won't give up Singlutionary night to go out with some bozo that I know I'm not interested in.

Not that I would anyways. But there was a day when I would have.

So the point is: Check back here on Saturday morning with your cup of Singlutionary coffee.

And if there isn't anything new, well, you know there is a big story coming the next week!

Singlutionary's 30th Birthday Eve

2010-10-25T23:18:00.004-05:00

I am writing this in the last 45 minutes of my 20s.

Over the past few years, I've gone through a wide range of emotions about turning 30, especially while single. Some of these feelings surprised me: I didn't know that certain insecurities or desires existed until I felt like the chance for them was drawing to a close.

Two years and some odd months ago, I was in a relationship which seemed like bliss for about two months and then unwound into months of turmoil. During the good times, I remember thinking: "I will be married by the time I'm 30 after all." I was surprised by how relieved and proud I felt. In marrying before 30, I would be accomplishing something that everyone could understand. Through marriage, I would prove to the world and, more importantly, to my family and friends near and far that I was worthy of undivided love, that I was attractive, sexually vital and successful in the most basic human way. I would be a good person, a good woman and by extension, a good friend, niece, daughter, cousin.

I had never realized how alienated I had felt from my friends and from most of my family because of my typically single status. I never realized how much people people worried about me, even pitied me because they felt something essential was missing in my life. I had no idea how much I had internalized this feeling.

When I thought that I would be married within the conventional timeframe, I felt, for the first time ever, that I had some kind of magic ticket to normalcy that I had always yearned for but had never been given.

At that time I was still only 27.

Since then, I have mulled over my fear of turning 30 and have come to face this new decade (now only 31 minutes away) with excitement and relief instead of fear and angst.

My late 20s were not easy. They were full of career failures, financial struggles, personal loss and general confusion. In many ways, it won't be hard to say goodbye to the consternation and frustration and grief of recent years.

And I'm not 20 anymore and I know things about the world. I have experience -- lots of it. And experience is something that can never be taken away from me. I've survived things that I never thought I would have to face.

I had a crisis just a few months ago when I first began to consider setting out on the long road towards a PhD. I realized that by choosing to commit the next 7 years to academic life, the opportunity to have biological children very well might pass me by. At the time I was slightly involved with a man who very much wanted wholesome biological children raised on milk and wheat bread. I mentioned my potential PhD aspirations to him during our last real phone conversation. Two weeks later he flippantly bowed out of our travel arrangements and said something about incompatibility. And that was it.

In the past 10 years I have learned that in choosing one thing, I am also NOT choosing so many others. Spending most of my 30s in school may very well end up being a choice against having a kid that carries my genetics although it doesn't eliminate my chance to be a parent.

And I am OK with that. If being pregnant and giving birth to my own spawn was super important to me, I would have chosen so many different ways to spend my 20s. I've always wanted to adopt older children and I've always known that by doing so, I can buy myself some time against the generation gap: If I am 40 and adopt a 7 year old, the generation gap isn't quite as huge as it would be if I gave birth at 40.

I am no longer afraid of being an old maid. I know that I will have companionship. And I know that it will be unconventional. I've lived my life out of order and upside down and I can't expect to suddenly grow up and start doing everything the typical way. The typical way has never made sense for me. Its not going to start making sense just because my looks and fertility are starting to fade.

I have a rich life and many talents. And I am going to use them. If nothing else, I am going to live life on my own terms. My 20s were about figuring out what I wanted to do. My 30s are going to be about doing it.

To actually realize my dreams instead of just dreaming them is at once exhilarating and intimidating. But that is where I'm headed.

I've got 9 minutes left. And then I'm ringing in the next decade of wonderment.

The Singlutionary Situation

2010-10-20T21:20:00.004-05:00

I have one good friend in my city who is also single. Or WAS also single. Lately she has been going to and from another city to visit a man she recently met. Of course it is all my fault that they met and I have only myself to blame for the situation.

I have the bad habit of immediately starting to push friends away once they begin to get involved with someone. It isn't so much that I push them away but that I begin to expect less of them. And in a way, its an appropriate reaction. Having someone new in their life means that they have to make room for another person and I can't expect my friend to be as available as she once was.

By the time I was 22, all my best friends were married and very much involved in their relationships. At that time, there wasn't any space for me and my friends to have a relationship outside of their marriage. If I wanted to see my friend, I had to tolerate the husband. Since then, the husbands have become more tolerable or have been replaced with less obnoxious substitutes and my friend's have become less entangled socially and are receptive to "girl time" activities.

But for most of my early 20s, I felt like I needed to have a partner in order to enjoy my friends again. I felt that if I had a partner then we could couple date my friends. My partner would take on the horror of my friend's husbands and I would get to actually have an enjoyable visit with my friends. My friends, I think saw it the same way and provided me with healthy doses of advice on what to do to find a man so that my man could play with their man.

WHATEVER!

What partner of mine is going to want to put up with THAT crap?

"Will you be my boyfriend just so that I can take you to my friend's house and you can watch videos of my friend's husband's community theatre production and then watch him try on his costume and recite Shakespeare's sonnets?"

Eventually I gave up on finding a blow-up-doll-boyfriend-who-loves-amateur-Shakespeare and became Singlutionary.

But as people couple around me, I would like to have someone to depend on. Not that my coupled friends are undependable -- they are all very loving and wonderful and if I were to call them in any state of panic or emergency, they would be very much there for me. But their daily lives are taken up with their family, their work and other obligations. Any extra time they have, they want to spend with their spouse.

I suppose that now I would like someone to depend on socially and for the long haul. And, in the way our society is set up, with coupling being the norm, it seems that in order to find this, I might have to couple. Friendships, even the strongest ones, are secondary to spouses and families especially in the way people spend their day-to-day time.

It seems that just as soon as I find myself in a solid, lasting, stable friendship -- the friendship is altered by the presence of a romantic relationship.

Part of my situation, I think, is that I am very much a one-on-one person. If I have a good friend, it is because I enjoy our interesting conversations and her unique perspective. Even if her new partner is super cool, that doesn't mean that I'd enjoy hanging out with both of them as much as I would enjoy the one-on-one. And typically each friendship has its sacred activities -- with one of my friends it is eating good food, and another it is running. Sometimes the new partner doesn't have the same appreciation for the things my friend and I share and it kinda ruins the fun.

This is not to say that I won't stay friends with my friends who couple. I have stayed friends with ALL my friends who are coupled. I made the adjustment and learned how to be friends with both of them (sometimes more gracefully than others).

But I am tired of always looking for new available friends as others become unavailable. And maybe, the easiest thing to do would be to find a new best male friend and begin that whole monogamous endeavor called "a relationship".

Or I could just cultivate a ton of male friends so that if one of them couples, there will be 10 more waiting in the wings to share an order of yam fries and help decorate my backyard with empty toilets.

Singlutionary's Search for a Proper Peer

2010-09-24T23:42:00.003-05:00

I have a utopian view of the world in which everyone is their own person and people love each other freely and there is no need for jealousy. In this world, new relationships broaden the worlds, not only of the people in them, but of their entire communities as well. This is a pretty hippie-like version of peace, love and understanding and all the crap that goes along with that -- like hemp pants, compost and organic farming.

And then I wake up. And I live in the real world where being single at almost-30 is frightening. Why? Because I'm alone. I'm not talking about being alone in a not-having-a-partner way. I'm talking about being alone in another way -- in the way where my communities have faded, my friends are tied up with their family or with their marriage and I don't seem to have any peers.

Where have all my peers gone? In my town, I have ONE uncoupled friend of my age.

And lets face it. There is a difference between being uncoupled in your early 20s and being uncoupled in your early 30s.

And I'm not talking about pressure to couple. I am talking about finding peers. It is more common for folks in their early 20s to be single and to be exploring the world and to have friends in the same place.

Of course, it was never common for me. My two best friends were both married by the time I turned 22 and had been coupled long before that. I've always been the sole single girl in my inner circle. But my outer circle has been full of intelligent, smart women in their early-mid 20s.

So why, after 10 years, is it suddenly so much more horrifying to be the only single in my Singlutionary world?

Peers. They're harder to come by. Supposedly there are tons of single women in their 30s on this earth but I never meet them. And just because I meet another single woman in her early 30s doesn't mean that we have anything in common! She might be divorced or have children or she might be a rabid racist chicken hater or an exercise nazi or plenty of other things which are totally acceptable but which I am not.

Or she might be might just want to talk about how she is so sad without a mate.

I get bored with that. I do it enough myself in secret moments of weakness and then am ashamed to have dishonored my Singlutionary costume in such a way (my Singlutionary costume is made of orange spandex).

I have plenty of ways to meet people. I meet people as part of my job. I've found that dog people are often single. So that is a start. I love dogs. I love singles. Single dog people = double rainbow of joyfulness.

Which brings me back to this blog. I've got peers here. Plenty of them: The folks who read this blog, the folks who comment and the folks who write their own wonderful blogs about being a happy single. And I have my one wonderful late 20s real-life single friend.

And I have my dates. Chronically single men vying for a chance to bone me who don't know that I'm really just looking for a peer.

Where do you find your Singlutionary peers -- no matter what your age or place in life? Life is about change -- and more often than not -- our best friend's lives don't change at the same exact moment and in the same exact way that ours do. So, while it is totally possible to maintain relationships with coupled parent friends, it is also good to seek out people who are in a more similar place in life.

Where do you find them? How do you identify them? And how to you form a real life community as strong as this one here online?

National Singlutionary Week

2010-09-21T09:52:00.003-05:00

It has been an entire year since National Singles Week. And here it is all over again!

Singlutionary was recently featured on Relationship Talk in an article about six empowering single's blogs! I've been fairly inactive as a blogger for almost a year now and I am delighted to find that my words are still out there in the blog-i-verse, doing good. Please read the article and check out the 5 other fantastic blogs hi lighted.

Last year, I was honored to participate in Single Women Rule's Blog Crawl. Although I am not participating this year, I do want to spread the word. There are lots of wonderful blogs and wonderful things being written about single life and single living and lifting the single stigma. So go, read, and be inspired.

As for me, this National Singlutionary Week -- I've had a few revelations:

1. I miss my relationship with this blog and my readers and fellow bloggers. And I want to spend more time here.

2. There are lots of wonderful bloggers writing about the social & political aspects of being single. What I am good at is writing about the personal aspects. Although I care deeply about the issues that Onely and Bella DePaulo write about, that is not what this blog is about. So what IS this blog about then? I suppose it is about my life. It is a personal story.

So in the coming weeks, I will be more present here. I will also be reorganizing and revamping quite a few aspects of the blog -- including even -- maybe -- gasp -- the template. And you can expect stories and insights and humor as always.

Thank you for reading,

Singlutionary

Singlutionary Sunday

2010-09-05T21:59:00.002-05:00

I've written twice before about the way I spend my Sundays.

I struggle between wanting to be restful, wanting to go on fun & active adventures and wanting to get all the stuff done that so desperately needs to get done but never does.

For the summer, I went with the "fun and active adventures" route. I coordinated activities and rallied the troops. It was fun. But it also left me unproductive during the week. I was either busy coordinating next Sunday's getaway or I was still recovering from the past Sunday's funday. Good times were had, new places discovered, conversations were had and new bonds were made and my horizons were broadened. It was wonderful.

But now I am broke and tired. So, for the past month, Sundays have been all about lounging around in my pjs and catching up on TV shows and doing pretty much nothing except resting so much that by the end of the day I am so ready for the week to begin again.

This week, partly out of necessity and partly because I was inspired by an insanely productive friend, I decided to have a slightly productive Sunday -- a hybrid adventure/restful/catching up day.

And it worked. Kinda. I am tired. But I did catch up which makes me feel less stressed about the week to come. I ran, I read, I gave myself a facial.

It was pretty much a day for myself.

Of course, I had to do some things that weren't tons of fun. But they were productive and made me feel relieved when finished.

Today wasn't really profound in and of itself. But it marks a sort of awesome recovery in my life. When I began this blog, I was writing in final attempt to pull myself out of the darkness that I had recently experienced. Being single and happy really was revelatory to me at that juncture.

Now, I live every day as a single and every day is just another day, another opportunity for rest or adventure or catching up. Or all of the above!

Warming Up

2010-08-30T15:35:00.002-05:00

Most of the relationships I've been in have taught me the same thing: I need a lot of time to myself. The last relationship I was in merely confirmed this fact.

There is a tension between the excitement of meeting someone and feeling that mutual attraction and knowing that I need to protect my time so that I can be happy.

It seems that whenever I've been in a relationship, or even just getting to know someone in a romantic kind of way, all the time that I usually spend on things like keeping the house/car clean and maintained, taking care of myself, reading, catching up with my friends, writing and art projects -- all that time gets eaten up by the new beaux.

And it is great at first, but after a couple months I get angry. I start wondering why I can't get anything done and I start to resent the time spent with said person. I try to draw back and start spending more time doing the things I need to do -- laundry -- for example. But the other person always sees this as a personal affront and the relationship starts to crumble.

What is the solution to this?

Always be single? That is the approach I have been taking for the past few years. But what if I am ready to be open to a functional relationship where I CAN have enough space. What if I've decided that this IS a possibility and that, now, after 2 years of going solo (and sexless) I am warming up to this option.

I've written recently about being an introvert. I think that the main thing I need to find in a potential partner -- from the get go -- is someone who can understand and respect my need for personal time and someone with their own interests and friends and passions. Someone who needs time for his own projects and interests and relationships.

And then, I need to allow things to be slow and easy instead of fast and hard -- which is my usual approach.

Singlutionary's 30by30

2010-08-13T16:25:00.003-05:00

I'm back with a vengeance!

I'm blogging again -- all self-imposed gag orders have been lifted!

And I'm running.

And I'm going to quit eating like a teenager locked in an abandoned convenience store.

Two months ago, I went to a family reunion followed by a roadtrip with my parents followed by a childhood friend's wedding. I am not even going to touch upon the wedding on this blog (its all been said before) but what I decided on that trip is that I need to get my body back.

Get my body back from what? No, I didn't have a baby. But I feel like I did. I look like I did. But I have no excuse. There are no babies waking me up all night -- I sleep well. There are no children crying for a snack all day long -- I have a schedule where I can provide myself with nutritious meals without the temptation of grabbing something just to get through the day. I need to claim my body back from our culture of instant gratification, from two years of eating away my worries and sorrows, from the soon-to-be distant memories of struggling to become the Singlutionary that I am today.

On the trip I took my my parents, even my biggest pants were beginning to feel tight. And I realized that, as I approach 30, the time to deal with my bad habits is NOW. I want to enter my 30s in the best shape of my life. I want to be active. I want to climb mountains and forge rivers and do all sorts of Oregon Trail type activities. And I want it to be easy. So, while on this trip, I texted a Singlutionary friend and said "What about training for a marathon?" Her response was: "Sure, I need a absurd goal".

My absurd goal begins with running. I found a marathon training program online and, despite several little setbacks, I have been sticking to it. So far I've gone from not even being able to run a half a mile to being able to run over 1 mile without stopping. I've also gotten faster. I've never been a runner or an athlete of any kind. What I am really learning from this, is NOT to be intimidated by physical challenges. My body began to change right away. It tightened up. I have muscles in places that were formerly dough.

But I haven't lost any weight. This doesn't concern me at this juncture. As I keep running, I'll get more confidence and I'll be better able to keep those eating demons off my back. I don't want to diet. I don't want to deprive myself of food in the sort term because I know that I'll just end up pigging out in the long run. I want to finally overcome my horrible addiction to sweets and I want to nurture myself enough that I can create a lasting habit of cooking and eating good food at home.

So. Blogging: Check. Running: Check. Eating: I'll get back to you on that one.

The name of this project is titled: 30by30. I want to lose 30lbs by my birthday at the end of October.

But it really isn't about weight loss -- that is just the title of an absurd benchmark. This is about allowing myself to become the woman that I've always had the potential to be but never let myself become. It is about freedom -- physical freedom, freedom from my food issues, freedom from all the doubts that ganged up on me in my mid 20s.

On Halloween, I've invited my friends to run with me for 16 miles through out the city in our Halloween Outfits. And on New Years Eve, I am going to run 26 plus miles -- the length of a marathon.

Absurd goals are my new best friend.

How to Be Alone

2010-08-06T10:00:00.003-05:00

This video speaks for itself. I want to make art like this -- although mine would be wild & irreverent where this is beautiful and comforting:

http://www.wimp.com/howalone/

Thank you to Akirah Watt at Quarter Life Lady for finding this gem of love and inspiration

The Introverted Singlutionary

2010-08-03T10:28:00.003-05:00

I am an introvert. This has been brought to my attention in many ways over the past several months.

As an introvert, I need a lot of "me" time. I need quiet. I get easily overstimulated. The only problem is that, I don't LOOK like an introvert. I am animated and gregarious and very talkative. I enjoy people. I am always planning activities and building community. I live in a house with 3 other people. Writing this blog is a great way for my introvert to relax because I can be alone & quiet when I write it, but I can still engage in lively interaction and conversation with others.

Is it easier for an introvert to be a Singlutionary?

Spirited Children (or something like that)

My best friend, the Purple Turtle is an introvert with an extrovert for a husband and a 4 year old extrovert for a son. I used to find her husband exceedingly annoying because he never rests. He never stops talking and he doesn't understand that other people need time and space to think. Purple Turtle read this wonderful book about raising her extroverted son but she really learned more about how to nurture her introverted self. This book talks about how to deal with introverted children (of which I was certainly one) as well as introverted ones. It says that when they get home from school, introverts need time alone and so it is best to let them be by themselves until dinner time and then engage with them, ask them how their day went, etc.

When I come home from work, I do not want to be bombarded with hugs or requests or questions or invitations to go out. I don't want to interact. Or, maybe I do want to interact but only with very specific people in a very specific way.

Sacred Solitude

The reason I haven't been writing much lately, is that I've been in a very conflicted relationship that I was never fully on board for. Many people in my inner circle don't even know about this relationship because I didn't want to announce something that I was never sure was going to last. It didn't. There are many reasons for this. I learned a lot about myself, who I am and who I am not. Perhaps the biggest lesson of all (aside from being a little more cautious before committing to being in a relationship and NEVER telling potential partners about this blog) is that I am intensely introverted. Yes, I go out in the world and interact with strangers. Yes, I am always creating events and hosting get-togethers. Yes, I even have my own meetup group. But I have a secret life outside of all of that that most people never see. This secret life is quiet, introspective and solitary. I need this secret life to be well and thriving in my public life. In order to go out into the world and be the vivacious, active, creative and ambitious person that I am, I also need this deeply personal sacred time. And I need a lot of it. In a relationship, a lot of this time seems to, for me, get negotiated away. It disappears under the expectation that being involved with someone means wanting to spend ALL free time together.

Deceptive Appearances

Our culture worships the extrovert. If you are a quiet, shy or reserved person, you might be perceived as rude or unhappy or maybe even stupid. Social, gregarious people are seen as smarter, sexier and more likely to be successful. I've adapted. Last week, I was told by a friend of a friend that I seem to be an extrovert. This makes it even more offensive to people when I frequently turn down social invitations. There is often an attitude, especially amongst younger folks, that if you're not doing anything particular, you're available to socialize. So, on a Friday night, if I don't have plans, I am expected to accept invitations to go out or do SOMETHING. When in fact, I do have plans -- with myself. And no, this is not lame and pathetic but vitally important to my well being, my ability to function in the world and my ability to be who I am.

It is difficult for me to explain this to people sometimes. I've had to become comfortable with saying "no" and knowing that for some people, it will seem as if I am rejecting them entirely.

Private Life

This private, solitary life that I lead in the corners of the day when I can sneak away from demands and social expectations is usually enjoyed 100% alone. There are a few people who I could be in the same room with and still feel this sense of peace and rejuvenation. The folks are also introverts. I suspect that all introverts have private lives and sometimes we lead them in the same room. Purple Turtle, my best friend from childhood, is someone who I can be around for days on end -- mainly because we have the same need for quiet and introspection. If she grabs a journal and a book and goes to sit in a chair on the other side of the room, I know what is up and I follow suit. I have a cousin that I also can spend a lot of time around -- and my parents -- the biggest introverts of all (almost to the point of being hermits).

It was very difficult, in many of my past relationships to have this private, quiet, reflective time. The extroverts that I was dating did not understand. They felt shut out. They wondered why I didn't want to do things with them all the time. Meanwhile I felt drained and angry. Sacrificing this time is not an option for me.

Now that I am back to being single, I feel this huge sense of relief. I can be myself again. I can shut the door and lock it. I am free to be alone. And then, when I am done recharging, I am free to go back out into the world and be me.

Does my introversion prevent me from being in a relationship? No. It just narrows the pool to people who can understand my need for solitude. Should I only date introverts from now on? Maybe. Or at least people who understand the need for quiet and peace and aloneness and who enjoy it themselves.

Independence Day

2010-07-04T23:26:00.002-05:00

I miss so much writing on this blog and reading the other single's blogs:)

This year I am celebrating my independence from desperation.

Tonight I went to do some catering work which I pick up in hard times to pay bills.

Tonight was my last night with this catering company. From now on, I'll do catering only on Saturdays and only for the one catering company that I LOVE. I'm not going to pick up work that I don't love on days that I need for other things just because I feel desperate for money. I'm asking myself what I enjoy, what makes me happy and not accepting any thing outside of those boundaries.

This fall I am turning 30 (I've begun to train for a marathon and I've invited my friends to join me in a "30by30" (lose 30 lbs by age 30) celebration.)

One thing I've learned in my 20s is that while money comes and goes, time is gone forever. Acting from a place of desperation has caused me to spend years of my life in bad relationships, maintaining bad friendships and at god awful jobs.

I can make that time and those experiences work for me in what I am doing now (and I do), but I can't get that time back.

So no more Sunday catering events (I'll be too busy with marathon training anyways) and no more picking up work that I feel not-so-excited about.

Will I have enough money? Ahhhh. That is always the question. Will I be able to make it? Will I be able to pay my bills? Will I be able to get gas in my car? Will I be able to repay my debts?

Will I be able to survive on my own?

The answer is always yes. There is a way to make it through even if you have to quit feeling desperate and start trusting, start reaching out and start letting the world in.

In all parts of my life. I declare my independence today from desperation.

What are you independent from today?

Singlutionary Wedding

2010-05-09T19:34:00.003-05:00

I've been working a lot of weddings lately as catering staff. This is something I did after college for extra money and something I'm now doing again in order to get my new adventures off the ground.

I generally dislike weddings mainly because I fail to comprehend them --- why would you ask people to come from all over the world and then just talk about how you love one person more than them? But I also secretly dislike them because I've never had one.

A wedding may not be something that every little girl wants but I certainly did. I wanted to get to wear the big wonderful dress and have all my friends together and I wanted to have all the beautiful lights in the trees and tulle dancing in the breeze and the candles and the music and the sense of community and the sheer beauty of it. I've always been interested in creating beautiful spaces and beautiful events and the wedding event is the epitome of these things.

Of course I grew up in an unconventional family and a slightly unconventional community so as a little girl I felt completely free to imagine my wedding pretty much groom-less and I did. In many ways the groom is absent in most little girl's fantasies of their own wedding. It is about the dum-dum-da-dum and the dress and the flowers and the bridal party more than anything else. My fantasy wedding would include a multi-family improv show in lieu of a ceremony and feature a performance by Marilyn Manson at the reception and would take place in the very same location where Jurassic Park was filmed.

The wedding I was working last night was deeply conventional in a Texas twang kind of way. The outdoor ceremony began with the lords prayer and the reception (which was held in a barn) featured country music (most of which included the word "Texas" in the song). The bride and groom ended the night by running a gauntlet of sparklers -- the bride, of course, in cowboy boots. And somewhere during this evening while I oversaw a buffet of sliders was this: I would have gotten married and lived a "conventional" life if that life had been presented to me.

I always think that somehow it is a different breed of person who gets married in her early-mid 20s and has 2.5 children and lives in a single family home with a flawless front lawn. I've always felt like some kind of an outsider to that life -- like a little girl window shopping for her future but never being permitted to enter the store.

What I realized last night is that what I have done in my life and what I haven't done has nothing to do with the kind of human I am. I am not a different breed of person who is immune to a more conventional lifestyle. If given the opportunity to live a more usual life, I would have jumped at it. I would have worn the white dress down the isle with the candles and the flowers and the tulle and I would have rode off into the sunset in whatever kind of footware was appropriate for my location and my upbringing.

In many ways I was taught and I accepted that a wedding is the beginning of adult life. But what happens when you're well into adulthood and there is no wedding in sight?

My life has presented me with singleness just as other people lives present them with a spouse or partner. And being single has made me who I am just as being married has made others who they are. It isn't a singles vs. coupled world that we live in. It is simply a human vs. sacrifices world. Are we going to live our dreams even if they make no sense or are we going to give into the comfort and stability of the daily grind? Which do we want? Most likely a little of both.

Do I still dream of my improv-show/controversial-yet-oddly-eloquent-celebrity-performance/dinosaur-landscaped wedding? Yes. Do I still dream of me going it alone in the beautiful dress on top of some rock outcropping with the sun setting into the ocean and then ride off into the sunset on a tulle clad brontosaurus? Yes. Do I have the energy to ever pull this off? Maybe. But for right now there is a dirty car that needs to be washed and baby chickens that need to be integrated with the big birds and a dog with too-long toe nails and a new business endeavor to start tomorrow.

Planning My Comeback

2010-04-18T11:53:00.004-05:00

I've been gone so long but it feels so good to be back. I've missed all my blog friends and thought of you often. There has been so much to write about that I'm not sure what to select. It would be impossible to write about it all.

I am still, slowly, but surely, figuring that out.

What I do know is that this blog will go back to the original vein -- stories from the Singlutionary. The rest of the topics around which I have clarity (homeownership, how-to, self employment, etc) and which I don't (sex, money, etc) will be addressed separately somewhere else on the webiverse (but I will redirect to them from here -- for those that are interested).

So my blog friends, I will return to catch up on your lives and to swap stories from the Singlutionary life. Just give me a bit more time to catch my breath, get a grasp on my thoughts and hit the snooze button, yet again.

With Love,

Singlutionary

Singlutionary's Heart

2010-02-14T12:20:00.003-06:00

The symbol for valentines day is a heart.

I already have one of those.

When I go out in public (which I don't seem to do very often lately), I notice that the shops are filled with red and pink and with hearts. I am pretty unoffended by all of these symbols. And this Valentines Day, as every other Valentines Day in my life (I have NEVER been involved with anyone on Valentine's day EVER), I am glad to be single.

Instead of worrying about my gift or his gift being "too much" or "too little" and instead of feeling pressure to have extra warm fuzzies towards my sweetheart, or feeling awkward about how my extra pounds look in the lingerie I crocheted for myself, I can just finish my taxes and catch up on emails.

In the past I might have thought that doing mundane tasks on Valentines day was kinda pathetic. But no longer.

Cause I have a heart already! I don't need another heart to cover over my heart or to be the red heart inside of my pink heart or visa versa. I don't need chocolate (lord knows I've got enough of that) or really hideous jewelry that keeps being advertised on TV with these gross semi-romantic/wholy-sexist advertisements.

Today is my secret Singlutionary day to play catch up while the rest of the world tries in vain to prove their love beyond any shadow of a doubt.

Of course, I could do something to celebrate. I could go see the Vagina Monologues or I could save a singles party with my 3 single friends. But today is just like any other day in my life: full of blessings.

I have a quiet morning to sleep in with my precious pup, lazily let the crazy chickens out to range in the nasty poo cesspool that is my backyard, drink orange-mango juice and take care of nagging personal tasks which have been bothering me for weeks. I even have time to post on my recently abandoned blog!

And then, by happenstance, I have a friend coming over this afternoon to work on a coffee table project in my garage, followed by a possible impromptu celebration marked with jello shots and chicken shit bingo.

Life doesn't get any better than this. I have my heart. It is beating. It is thriving. And there is love all around.

Happy Valentines Day to all the Singlutionaries in the world. I hope you get a chance to file your taxes, take out the trash and make a toast today! Toast to yourself and the heart you've got and the love you give!

Giveaway Winners

2010-02-11T23:31:00.002-06:00

This is going to be a quick little post and then I'll be brushing my teeth and going to bed!

Mikki, you are the winner of the verve e-card membership.

Hebba, you are the winner of Internet Dating is Not Like Ordering a Pizza

Please email me at singlutionary@gmail.com in order to get your prizes! Hebba, I'll need a snail mail address.

I have all the previous winner's prizes packed up and ready to go. I just need to get to the post office!

Singlutionary Travels

2010-02-09T00:00:00.002-06:00

I seem to be on vacation from blogging still but I wanted to write a quick update:

I am going to India in March. It is kinda a Singlutionary trip and kinda not . . . some things I will do alone but for the most part I will be there with my Indian friend who's wedding I'll be attending. So its not a solo journey but I still find it intimidating.

As a result, the theme for the month of March will be travel -- as a single, solo, etc.

Hoggle the horrible roommate is gone and has quit terrorizing me on craigslist. This is a blessing. And I met a totally suitable sane potential roommate earlier tonight.

Don't forget to enter my giveaway. It isn't lame. It is pretty cool actually!

Double Trouble! Giveaway from VerveCards.com AND The Pizza Book

2010-02-04T08:20:00.006-06:00

I am still busy with the every day party that is living in my Hoggle free house so this one will be quick! Eventually I will get back to posting non-giveway posts but this is all I've got in me for this week!

I have two great giveaways this week. Comment to enter and I will announce the winners next week. If you already commented to win Internet Dating is Not Like Ordering a Pizza by Cherie Burbach two weeks ago, don't worry, that comment still counts and commenting today will enter you again.

This week I'm adding to the mix a great freebie from VerveCards.com. These ecards are really friggin' bright and fun and border on being irreverent. Of the wedding cards, none of them involve white doves and wedding bells. But my favorite is a v-day card which simply states "Happy Singles Awareness Day". Membership is about $15/year and the cool thing is that you can schedule cards to be sent a year in advance. If I were organized enough, I would input all the birthdays and anniversaries and holidays at the beginning of the year and then forget about them! Maybe next year!

So, this week you can enter to win a free one year membership at VerveCards.com

Also, right now they are doing a 2 for 1 membership deal on their website (buy yourself a membership and then give one to a friend). The secret Singlutionary code is: VDAYVERVE:

"Those joining with a promotional code during our Valentine's Day 2-for-1 Special, please Join Now. Once you're a Member, email your intended gift recipient's first and last name and email address to Info@VerveCards.com, and include the code. We'll set up the FREE Gift Membership and get right back to you with the account details. Then you can email the new Login information to your recipient in a VerveCard! Sale runs through Valentine's Day (2/14). Per our Privacy Policy, email addresses are never sold, rented, or used for spamming."

And if you won a giveaway lately and haven't gotten it in the mail its only because I've been too poor to pay postage! But that has ended and I will be mailing out giveaway items tomorrow!

New Week. New Me.

2010-01-31T22:23:00.002-06:00

I am going to intentionally take this week off from blogging. I started out the new year with a new schedule for maintaining this blog. And in the first month, I've already realized that some adjustments most be made. I love Singlutionary and I love the experience of becoming a happy, well-adjusted, confident and satisfied single and I want to continue to share that experience. But I often find that I am so busy enjoying life now, that I would rather be offline than on. I know that I need to reduce the number of hours I expect from myself and come up with way to maintain a presence here while living the full offline life that has unfolded for me in the past year.

I WILL pick up where I gave up last week on Thursday with a giveaway post. But I will be reducing the quantity of posts and hopefully contributing more to the conversations by posting comments and reading other blogs and developing a larger presence on twitter.

Honestly, I don't know how I want to continue this blog but I do want to continue it. I also want to enjoy the fantastic life that I'm living.

Check Back Tomorrow for Thursday Giveaway!

2010-01-28T23:08:00.002-06:00

I am postponing my review of Cherie Burbach's book Internet Dating is Not Like Ordering a Pizza until tomorrow.

It has been a wild week and all I want to do right now is go to sleep!!

Singlutionary's House Kicks Ass!!

2010-01-28T00:07:00.002-06:00

Yet again, I am going to postpone posting my not-so-weekly Wednesday homeownership article.

But I did enjoy some raucous laughter tonight with my two remaining -- and very sane and fun roommates. We've taken back the house from Hoggle and we're loving it. It was nice to come home and relax in good company.

The past few weeks have been full of stress and full of wonder at the same time. I have a clarity in my mind and a simplicity in my day-to-day life that I've never quite managed to have before. I eat well and simply and in moderate proportions. I work daily, Monday through Friday, yet I miss the peak traffic rush. My chickens now produce one egg daily amongst the tree of them. And once I week I see my sister, and one a month we see her sister/my best friend.

This has nothing to do with owning a home. But life does feel settled and grounded and easy in a way that it never has before.

Of course last weekend I had a dead cat followed by an evil roommate. And, as always, I have suitors who fall to the wayside, just as the peak my interest.

But everything in life is OK as long as I can just come home to a peaceful, comfortable place with good people and good pets.

I've realized over the past several days, that despite everything, I LOVE having roommates. I never though I would say that. But good roommates become best friends. And multiple roommates create a community. Through my house, I've been able to provide an improved quality of life, not only for myself, but for the individuals that I share it with. And I am super excited about it.

Singlutionary Kicks Crazies to the Curb

2010-01-27T02:11:00.003-06:00

Last week I wrote about finding a perfect roommate. And then I went and rented to a psycho. I spent the greater part of the last three days trying to manage said psycho until I finally kicked her out tonight in a whole bunch of Jerry Springer-esqe drama which was followed up by a trip around town trying to buy beer past midnight with one of the awesome roommates.

So. For next week I will write about what NOT to do when looking for a roommate and what to do when you have a crazy one that you need to get rid of (not that I have a ton of experience in this category but I have now kicked one lunatic out in the middle of the night).

Basically, I disobeyed rule #3: Trust Your Gut.

I took one look at this woman and thought: Oh Hell No!

But then I felt bad because she was fat and ugly and I felt like that was petty and judgemental of me to eliminate her based on looks.

The part where I went wrong is here: When you look at a person, you don't usually just see FAT or UGLY. The first thing that you typically notice about a person is their aura, their personality, their energy, their vibes. I know plenty of heavy people who don't look heavy to me. And plenty of less-than-beautiful faces which I would never ever think of as ugly.

This woman was ugly on the inside. Real ugly. She had a negative, ugly, crazy, piece of work demeanor. But I felt bad for judging her so I let her move in.

And immediately began to regret it.

There were so many moments where I could have and should have turned and run in the other direction. But I was trying to be positive. I thought: It is only for one week, how bad could it be.

BAD. Not fear for your life bad. But she definately disrupted my personal peace and the peace of the house. I had immense gut wrenching anxiety all day at work yesterday and today, fearing what I might come home to. She was crazy. Crazy people are scary because you don't know what they're going to say or do.

So the moral of this story is: Trust Your Gut, even if it says things which sound petty and rude. Trust it anyways.

The blessing at the end of this story is that I still have two awesome roommates who rallied around me. And I have two more ex-roommates and a sister who further rallied around me and tried to make me laugh during this whole ordeal. Now that it is over and my house and my roommates and my dog and my chickens are safe, there is plenty of humor in the whole story.

But more importantly, I will never override my gut again!

Moments When it Does Suck to Be Single

2010-01-23T21:26:00.004-06:00

I don't have many moments where being single sucks for me. I am not even phased by valentines day, for example. But tonight I had one. It isn't so much about having a shitty experience as a single as it is about having to do horrible something entirely alone and having no moral support or physical support or any kind of support.

So.

My most recent moment where it pretty much sucked to be single:

Moving cat carcass from my driveway.

I really could have used some moral support but nobody was available. Could this have happened if I had a loyal loving husband? Yes. Totally. Loyal loving husbands are not always available either when icky things occur.

But tonight, for the first time in a long time, the following thought went through my head: :I really wish I had SOMEONE to help me deal with this".

This is a BIG cat. I was pulling my car out of the garage. It was dark but I saw something large and fluffy lying across the lower part of my driveway, almost at the street. I got out to investigate and sure enough it was the large cat that poops along my house. I don't mind cats pooping along the side of my house because I am rarely over there and I figure they ought to enjoy pooping in a place that I rarely frequent. So this cat, more like the size of a dog, is dead, at the bottom of my driveway in all his fluffy orange glory with a decent stream of blood flowing from his opened jaw.

I got back in my car and just sat there. I called my roommate to see if the cat had been there when she got home. I called my parents twice -- no answer.

Most of the time I know what to do about a situation pretty much immediately but this one had me stymied.

So I finally maneuvered out of the driveway, around the giant dead cat and went to the grocery store, thinking the whole time: "What are the logical steps to take in this situation."

I was pretty sure that moving a giant dead cat is a fairly unpleasant task.

I had gone through the dead pet process at Thanksgiving time with my roommate's hamster. But this isn't MY dead cat. I felt wrong moving another person's dead cat. But I also didn't want the cat's young owners to find it lying there in the morning. I also didn't want a neighbor to think that I had carelessly run over their cat while backing out of my driveway.

At a certain juncture, I finally quit freaking out, summoned my inner grown up, found an old towel and a big cardboard box and approached the dead cat.

And that is when I thought: "I really wish I weren't single right now. I really wish that there was someone to stand next to me while I try to pick up this giant dead cat carcass and place it somewhat ceremoniously in this empty toilet box."

I ended up having to scoot the cat into the box and then when I righted the box, the cat thumped to the bottom. Oh. It was a fairly awful experience. I then wrote notes to my two next door neighbors inquiring as to the ownership of the big orange cat. I did not put in the note that their beloved Garfield was now resting in peace in a cardboard toilet box with a cement block on the top to keep out the possums and stray dogs.

And that was my Saturday night Singlutionary adventure.

Thursday Giveaway: Internet Dating is NOT Like Ordering a Pizza by Cherie Burbach

2010-01-21T23:41:00.003-06:00

The box of giveaway items is still lost in my garage but I was able to unearth this book which was sent to me by the author for a review. That was, like 6 months ago. Of course, I still haven't finished it but I did start it and it isn't bad advice. The book, Internet Dating is Not Like Ordering a Pizza by Cherie Burbach, is this week's giveaway item.

I still hate internet dating.

I still love ordering pizzas.

So I read the book this weekend and then next Thursday I will do the review. If you want to enter to win this book, you can comment once this week and once next week for a double entry! I'll announce the winner in two weeks.

Why am I so behind? This week has been a whirlwind. I couldn't post yesterday out of sheer exhaustion. I've been working 9 hours straight, going to job interviews, renting out my rooms (one down and one to go) all while maintaining relationships with my roommates, worrying about money and taking care of my house/pets/self.

Its been a great week but I am pretty ready for the weekend. And I haven't been able to post as often as I like. I was especially bummed when I missed yesterday's homeowner series AGAIN!

But the good news is that things turned around this week. I got my first paycheck yesterday and was able to pay my roommate back. I was also able to fill my car with fuel and get groceries for the first time in 2 weeks. I now have vegetables to eat! I never thought I would be so so so grateful for every single carefully selected item in my grocery basket. Yesterday I was down to pumpkin seeds, cereal, soymilk, rice and beans. Today I have cucumber and fruit and bread and cheese! These small things are huge blessings. I've NEVER been this broke before in my life but I am very grateful for the experience because it taught me how grateful I need to be now that the experience is over. I think I will never shop for groceries in the same way again. My life will be far less wasteful. And I am so so so grateful and in awe of all the generosity which was offered to me. I always knew that I would get work just in the nick of time but folks showered me with loans and delicious meals and supportive advice.

Also, my chickens finally started to lay eggs this week providing me with another source of food! YAY!

And I have a renter for my room which guarantees that I will be able to pay the mortgage in this coming month!

It feels good to have some stability in my life after so much instability! I look forward to keeping a more stable writing schedule and to getting back to my usual posting style (instead of these rambling updates).

Singlutionary's Guide to Finding Awesome Roommates

2010-01-19T22:38:00.002-06:00

When I lived in San Francisco, (a city where people rent closets for $400/mo and have multiple roommates just to get by) I decided it was time for me to "grow up" and have my own apartment. I was 24 and dead set that I would live alone and that I would live alone for the rest of my life.

I did live alone that year and then I lived alone again when I moved to my current city.

And then I bought my house. Most of the time now I have 3 roommates. And instead of being something I tolerate, it is something I am massively grateful for. My roommates put up the chickens when I can't get home before dark, they share food and advice and sympathy. We also share in the excitement of the chicken's first eggs or the garden's first sprouts. My roommates have helped me to mop up toilet overflow, given me rides and loaned me money (when no bank in their right mind would loan me a cent).

It is also my roommate who is letting me tag along during her wedding preparations in India. I will see all of the traditions in preparing for the wedding ceremony.

And it is another roommate who built my chicken coop, sourcing all the materials for free with the promise that, oneday, she would have all the free eggs she could dream of.

Not only are these folks my roommates, they are my family, my support system, my friends. They offer me new experiences, new concepts and help with the most basic and most necessary parts of life. They offer their company at the grocery store.

How do you find roommates like these? Honestly, I think it is part magic. But the other part goes like this:

1. Be Comfortable with Strangers

I've rented to people I know and I've rented to friends of friends. These have often been the folks that I had MORE difficulty with as roommates. The best roommates are the ones that I didn't know before I moved in. I think it is easier to BEGIN a relationship as roommates (or in my case roommates AND landlord/tenant) than to begin as friends and change the dynamic along the way. Also, because I don't start out being friends with my roommates, the friendship is a bonus. I don't expect them to be my friend at first and they don't expect that of me, so if we aren't kindred spirits, its no big deal -- as long as we keep the kitchen clean.

2. Be Honest About What You Want

You need to be honest with YOURSELF about what you want from a roommate and how you like living your life. If your favorite part of the day is coming home after work to a quiet house, then you DO NOT want a super social person who will have friends over all the time. Really think about your lifestyle, write it down and be ready to articulate it to a stranger. It may be more important to find someone with a similar expectation for how the home is used than to find someone who also likes to swim or eat at your favorite restaurant. The better you can articulate who you are, the more likely the right person will be attracted to your advertisement. Also, you need to be honest if you meet someone and you KNOW it will not be a good fit. For example, when people come to meet me and look at the house, and they ask if they can have friends over, I say: "This isn't a house where we have people over very often-- it just gets too crowded". This gives people the opportunity to weed themselves out if they wouldn't be a good fit.

3. Trust Your Gut (This Should be Number One)

You are allowing this person into your home. The wrong person could wreak havoc on your life. So trust your gut, not only to weed out the bad eggs, but to hone in on the good ones. Make sure the person fits your criteria but is also someone you feel comfortable with. If something doesn't sit right with you DO NOT ACCEPT THEM as a roommate, even if it makes you feel prejudiced or judgemental. I always feel bad when I reject someone. I feel like I should "give everyone a chance". But this is YOUR HOME and some caution is in order.

4. Require a Deposit and Charge What You're Worth

It doesn't matter if it is your house or if you're the main lease holder. If the person is going to be using your stuff and your the person who manages the household, charge a deposit. I charge deposits, not because I expect people to ruin things -- I have never had to keep a deposit -- but because responsible, reasonable people expect to pay a deposit and they have the money to do so. It can be as little as $50 but it is symbolic of the value of your things and the trust that you are putting into them to NOT ruin them.

Also, don't under charge. If you charge too little, people will wonder "what is wrong with it". Don't charge too much either but set a reasonable price and stick too it. If you get desperate and lower your price, you'll get a desperate roommate. If it is a tough time of year and you feel that you need to offer an incentive -- offer a discount on the first month's rent ONLY. This is better than bringing down the price (and the perceived value).

5. Love One Another

This goes without saying, but you're going to get better roommates and have better relationships if you're a good communicator and if you communicate with love. I hate to be cheesy but that is a fact. Don't be a drama queen or king. When your new roommate doesn't clean her hair out of the bathroom drain don't pitch a fit or get your panties in a bunch. It is NO BIG DEAL. Just say next time you see her (in a nice casual tone): "Oh, by the way, when you're done washing your hair, will you be sure to clean it out of the drain." People need to know when they're doing something wrong so that they can fix it. The worst thing you can do is decide that someone is a douche bag because they did something minor and they don't even know what they did! Yes, maybe they should know that leaving a drain full of hair is totally gross. But maybe she was super busy and forgot. Or maybe she forgot her towel because she just moved into a new place and is all scatterbrained and had to run from the bathroom naked to her room and that is why she forgot.

And that is it!

As far as advertising goes, this will vary a bit by region but I have had plenty of success on craigslist. There are a lot of flakes on there but I write a long advertisement about the room and about how straight laced I am and about how clean the house is, etc. The flakes are too flakey to respond. I also state the deposit on the post which eliminates another group of flakes.

Any other advice? Any roommate success stories?

As singles, roommate are often a big part of our lives so share your stories and your roommate love.

*Stevi, I am just waiting for you to write about Manette!

Moving Abroad: Special K

2010-01-18T21:59:00.003-06:00

Today is Monday which means it is time for me to write about another awesome Singlutionary.

(I am still developing this weekly program and eventually I hope to have some guest posts here as well. But I haven't gotten that far yet.)

This week I'd like to redirect you to Special K's blog.

The theme for this month is MOVING, especially as a single person. Well, Special K moved all the way from the USA to Germany as a single woman. I find that immensely brave. I moved to another state by myself and there are many folks back home who find ME immensely brave (aka crazy). But moving to an entirely different country?

You can read about your adventures here:

http://thespecialktreatment.wordpress.com/

Do you have any awe inspiring stories about moving? Are you about to move? What are your questions and/or fears? Have you always wanted to move but there is something holding you back? What is that something? What are you waiting for?

If you'd like to write about your experience with moving as a single, please let me know! This spot is open for next week!

Singlutionary Job Search

2010-01-15T23:15:00.005-06:00

All this week I've been agonizing over my job situation. Before this month, I was unemployed for two months without a clue as to what I wanted to do next. I just knew that I didn't want to return to anywhere that I'd been.

I also struggled with accepting that I NEED a job. I mean, I don't NEED a man/partner/relationship/spouse so why would I NEED a job? Can't I just do it myself and have my own business and make a life for myself that way?

Well, I can. But right now I need income.

So. I NEED a job.

(It took me two whole months just to accept that).

Anyways. I am looking now, diligently, for a full time job. This week I had two interviews and at the same time I was working full time, for 2/3 of my usual pay, at a temp job in a call center.

Talk about desperate!

But the thing is that this job, which I took so reluctantly, only out of desperation, has been the best thing ever. I even got a mini-promotion there after just a couple days. I feel appreciated, I feel that it is OK to be smart. I feel rewarded for being smart and quick and a good worker.

I have been pretty beaten up by jobs lately. This job lifts me up. This crappy little temp job with a not-so-nice commute and lousy pay is a TOTAL BLESSING.

So, while I know that this job is not long-term material, I've decided to stay there until after I get back from India. This way I can focus on negotiating a salary when I get a full time job and not take lower pay just so that they'll let me take off time in March to travel.

Also, this way I can go to India for longer since most of the expense is in the plane ticket.

This jobs pays me just just just enough to scrape by and to save a tiny bit of money. But it is so much fun. It is Friday and after working a 40 hour week (which I am not accustomed to) I feel energized, not drained.

I never once had to defend my integrity or my abilities this week. I never had to sit there and take it while someone tore me apart. I didn't get bitched at for not taking enough initiative one minute and then bitched at for taking out the garbage or using too many swiffers the next.

I've been in abusive relationships. Both with men and with employers. And it has been so long since I've been treated WELL that I kinda forgot what it was like. I forgot that I am deserving of praise and respect. I forgot that I AM smart and a good worker and employable and promotable.

At my last job I was refused a promotion for a job that I was already doing. And then I got fired. That was after my boss told me that I had a horrible personality and condescended to me every single day for three and a half months.

Before I became Singlutionary, I was so desperate to be in a relationship that I would take any kind of treatment (for a while at least) because I thought that if there were problems, I just wasn't trying hard enough. I've never been in a relationship where I was praised and respected and valued, where it was OK to be smart and hard working and funny. I've always been viewed by my boyfriends as inherently wrong either because I don't like music enough or I didn't want to have orgies during the full moon or I don't want to bear his children within 8 months or because I need time to work on my car instead of playing with his balls. (You think I am joking about some of these things but ALL of them are true.)

I need to apply the Singlutionary approach to jobs. I am unwilling to work in an environment that does not value me, where I have to pretend to be something that I am not in order to avoid punishment, where I am abused, lied to, taken advantage of and clearly disliked.

This temp jobs is a blessing just in the nick of time. It is saving me from financial ruin, it is reminding me of my better qualities, rebuilding my self esteem and it gives me a platform from which I no longer have to be desperate in my job search.

No, I can not pay off my debts in any reasonable amount of time working at this job. No, I can not buy my country ranch with this job. No, I can not afford to eat out or buy a car or remodel my bathroom with this job.

But I can afford to be choosy.

I can afford to wait for a good job to come along for a good company with the right benefits. I can afford to wait until a job opens up in an office where I would fit in. I can afford to interview my interviewer just as much as they are interviewing me. I can refuse to work at a property that I don't like.

Of course, no job is perfect. I am not looking for perfection. I am sure there will be days when people grate on my nerves and there will be policies which offend me. But I'm not going to get fired again. I'll quit before that happens. I'll quit at the 1st sign of insanity.

But more importantly, I now have the luxury of carefully considering every job offered to me.

I've been extended a 2nd interview for a permanent job which would pay almost twice as much as my temp job, plus benefits. But I know I don't want it. I know that it is not a good fit, that I am too smart and too ambitious for the office, that the company is too small and that the property is not expensive enough and the residents are unsophisticated.

(That last part sounds REALLY judgemental but if you work 40 hours a week in an apartment complex, you want to be in a nice one. TRUST ME. Otherwise there are a lot of evictions and collections. Also, things fall apart faster in lower rent complexes and they don't get fixed and there is more crime, etc. But nicer complexes often have lots of very interesting people, many of whom are single, who travel and explore the world and have interesting careers and hobbies, etc. )

So I am going to work at this temp job until India and then for a little while after that. I am so excited to KNOW what I am doing for the next 2 months. I've been living life day-to-day, instant-to-instant for the past 3 months now. I am excited to commit to this job for a short period of time, knowing that eventually I'll have to move on. I am excited to be working, to know approximately what my schedule is like. I am excited for payday.

But most of all, I am excited to have the ability to sit back and enjoy my job search, to feel less frantic about it and to quit being desperate!!!

Thursday Giveaway: A Random Screwdriver

2010-01-14T22:14:00.004-06:00

No. I am not really giving away a screwdriver. I am just still slacking off. Tonight I was busy looking at Indian clothes to wear to my roommate's Indian wedding in March. I am going to India in March for this wedding come hell or high water. Even if I have to eat beans and rice and work 7 days a week for the next two months, I am going to go! So my roommate says that I will want to have Indian clothes to wear for all the celebrations so we were looking online at all these different styles. I was totally amazed.

Also, my roommate (who already pays me rent) loaned me the money I was short for my mortgage payment this month. Tomorrow I have to go to the bank to pay it on my lunch break.

But now that I am working again, everything will be OK!!! This is as broke as I have ever been in my life but I have NEVER felt more gratitude for the people around me and all the security that I do have in my life. While I do feel insecure about the future, I do feel very secure about the present and about myself.

So. What does this have to do with a screwdriver? Well, one of these months I am going to give away one essential do-it-yourself-tools-every-person-should-have every week. I'd love to give away home improvement KITS full of all the basic tools I wish I'd had when I moved into my house but in order to do that I'd need a sponsor.

This week I am merely here to announce the winners of last week's giveaway: DatingTopics ToGo Cards sponsored by SingleEdition.com.

I actually have TWO sets of cards! And I had three fantastic entrants, all of whom wrote hilarious and insightful additional questions to add to the pack. I put everyone's name in a hat (twice) and the winners are::::::::::::::

Samantha

and

Stevi

I already have Stevi's address (from the last giveaway) but Samantha, if you could email me at singlutionary@gmail.com with your snail mail, that would be great!

And Kathryn, thank you for entering!!!

And thank you to SingleEdition.com for making this entertainment possible!

Please check back next week. The next giveaway item is out in the garage with all the stuff that kinda got shoved out into the garage during my move into the master bedroom. I don't have any shelves or furniture in here yet so there are lots of paper bags sitting out in the garage that I don't want to have lining the walls of my big ass room.

Singlutionary's Bath

2010-01-13T22:22:00.004-06:00

Today is Wednesday and according to my new posting schedule, today's post should be part of the Singlutionary's House series. But in celebration of cutting myself some slack and wanting to catch up on my blog roll before it rolls off the face of the earth, I'm not going to do that.

Instead I'm merely going to tell a story. Not about remodeling or any kind of home improvement related metaphor regarding my bath, but literally about bathing in my bathroom.

I moved into the master bedroom in my house last week but tonight is the first time I took advantage of having my very own shower. I'd been reluctantly using the toilet in the master bedroom while still preferring the hall potty which had been my own personal throne for the past year and a half. And for the past week and a half I've been rejecting my private shower and going all the way upstairs to bathe.

Why? Blood, sweat, tears and multiple coats of eco-friendly paint have gone into both the upstairs bathroom and the hall bath. Over the past 2.5 years I have truly made them mine. So while the master bath has a window (the others do not) the other bathrooms are a window into my soul.

I just compared a bathroom to my soul. But seriously, I spent over an hour picking out the water saving shower head. And DAYS painting and decorating.

Anyways.

Tonight I finally decided it was time for me to grow up and use my own bathroom. I've been forcing myself to break my habits and use the master bathroom toilet. Tonight I took it a step further and moved into the shower. No, I didn't make a bed in the bathtub. I went upstairs and gathered up my soap and shampoo and other scrubbie things and brought it all downstairs. And then I did something I've never done before: I took a shower in the master bathroom.

And it wasn't as scary as I thought. I spent a bunch of time trying to find some temporary cover for that window because it was freaking me out but I finally gave up. I turned on both lights and left the door to the bedroom open so I wouldn't feel so trapped.

It turns out that it is nice and bright and clean in there and not creepy at all. I can spread out my bottles of various products without concern for other people's things. The shower head may not be a window into my soul, but it is quite adequate with different settings for water velocity. But the best part is that once I was done with my shower I was able to reach out and grab my towel from the hook without having to contort my body into any weird positions.

And then I was able to finish getting ready for bed all in the SAME ROOM. I didn't have to then dry myself off, run downstairs, go into the hall bathroom to moisturize and then go into my room to get dressed. Everything was RIGHT there. I have a new appreciation for the layout of my house now. This master bedroom setup is really very convenient.

Usually at about this juncture in a post I would find a way to tie this whole story together into some sort of parable about being single. But not tonight.

I realize that I am working full time while looking for a full time job, trying to find a renter and running around town collecting the dregs out of all my bank accounts in an attempt to pay the bills before they're late.

Fortunately, I've started earning money again, got a mini promotion at my temp job-- which boosted my self esteem after being fired from my last job for being "rude and disrespectful" and having an "impatient personality"--, will be paid in a week, have two job interviews this week and one for next week and am generally in good spirits.

So. The moral of this story is this: Master bathrooms are awesome.

And so is working for a living. It is truly underrated.

Oh and Kahnee over at Single and Blessed posted about my Singlutionary's House series and posted her own house to-do list this week:

http://conb1977.blogspot.com/2010/01/color-me-copy-cat.html

Singlutionary's Guide to Letting Yourself Off the Hook

2010-01-12T21:47:00.003-06:00

For the New Year I came up with a schedule and a plan to manage my time better so that I could post more often! After one week and one day, I realize that it is time for a revision!

So Tuesdays will continue to be Singlutionary's Guide to Whatever day. But some Tuesdays I am going to let myself off the hook and merely post the topic for the NEXT week.

So. Next Tuesday I'll post Singlutionary's Guide to Finding Badass Roommates, Part 1: Renting out a Room.

To be followed on another Tuesday this month by: Part 2: Renting a Sweet Pad in a Peaceful House.

Today I am letting myself off the hook. There isn't one good reason that I should do this. There are lots of small reasons and I'll list them here:

Yesterday I was surprised by a phone call from someone investigating my ex and I had to deal with that situation and rehash that whole shitstorm. Of course, when the shitstorm was over, I had risen from the asses (ashes) as The Singlutionary, so on some level I have to be grateful for the experience but I still felt shaken, remembering how I was ready to commit the rest of my life to this psychotic neurotic liar.

I am flat broke which is putting me on an awesome diet where I have to eat all the healthy stuff in my cabinets that I have been avoiding eating for the past year.

All my roommates are moving or have moved out and I don't have any new renters yet (but I know that I will-- I always do). But change is good.

I've had one job interview so far with a woman that I liked at a property that was OK but I know that I do not want the job and I suspect that it will not be offered to me.

I've been working a regular work week this week doing temp work. I call depressed people and interview them to see if they qualify to be in a research study. Most of them fail to qualify. This job makes me so grateful for every little thing in my life and for being able to be happy and being able to see through the fog when I am not.

One of my former roommates has declared bankruptcy.

Last night there were Possums under my chicken coop. Fortunately my new room is at the back of the house near the chickens so I'll be able to hear if anything goes wrong tonight. But I hope that by the time I hear the squawking, I'm not too late!

It is already 10pm and I still need to read my blog roll!

Independent Women Homeowners!

2010-01-11T19:45:00.003-06:00

I was excited a couple weeks ago when I began to be followed on Twitter by Ginny Mees. Ginny has created a website for independent single women which, as far as I can tell, is pretty awesome and has potential to be even awesomer.

So on this Monday, I'd like to highlight WomenHomeowners.com

And founder Ginny Mees has a pretty cool Singlutionary story as well.

http://www.WomenHomeowners.com/

Check it out and tell me what you think and then come back here on Wednesday for my Singlutionary's House series!

Happy Monday!

Moving into the Master

2010-01-08T22:17:00.005-06:00

This past week I moved. I didn't move very far-- just from one room down the hallway from another-- but it was a move none-the-less.

One of the ways I make ends meet is to rent out cute furnished rooms in my house. Last week, a longstanding roommate moved out-- she had rented the master bedroom from me before I began renting out furnished rooms-- and I had been sleeping, for a year, haphazardly, in the room which used to be my office. It was never a permanent situation and I never put it together. I rented out cute furnished rooms but I kept for myself a room which looked very much like a half-assed storage area/art studio/office/dog room. It was cluttered and it was crowded and it was a mess.

This week I finally moved into the master bedroom. Finally. So much space. My own bathroom. A walk-in closet.

The funny thing is that I have no bedroom furniture. Most of the stuff that was being stored in the first room was linens and art which ended up staying in there. I merely scooted my airbed down the hall and I was pretty much done.

In some ways I moved from one impermanent space to another. One day I will move out of this room and this house and start over again. But life feels so different. Moving is always a fresh start, even if just down the hall. And now there is breathing space, space to grow. I have the remaining artwork that I've collected leaning up against the walls in my new room, waiting to be hung. Stuff from the shared bathroom is now sitting my bathroom the counter, waiting to be sorted. Nothing is settled yet, but it is tidy and it is somehow incredibly beautiful in this transitional way.

I never thought I needed the master bedroom before. I didn't need that much space for just me when I could rent it out for income instead. Maybe a part of me was waiting for a partner to share the master bedroom with. Houses like mine are built for a traditional married couple to occupy the master bedroom with space for their growing family in the secondary rooms. A master is big enough for two, so isn't it just a waste of space for only one?

Since buying the house I have become the master of my home. I have stopped waiting, in small subconscious ways, to be partnered before beginning my life. So it makes sense that I would quit living in a secondary room and move on into the master bedroom.

I am taking up more space in other parts of my life too. For so long I have been holding this extra space empty, waiting for someone to come and and fill it. I remember for so long, sleeping only on one side of my queen bed, practicing to share it with a partner. In so many small ways I have not been taking up the space in my own life, leaving an empty area for someone else to fill. One side of the bed it only a few feet but it is a huge emptiness.

My life is big and I am going to grow into it. I have filled this whole house with peace and positive people and and I am going to fill my life outside of this house with the same.

I was always afraid that by filling up my own life to the brim, I was eliminating the possibility of having a partner. Maybe I am. But maybe life is big enough and flexible enough to continue to expand. And maybe living a masterfully awesomely big life is the ONLY way for me to find a suitable partner.

Either way, I'm just glad that there's no more wasted space! And excited to put together this last little corner of my home.

Thursday Giveaway: DatingTopics ToGo Cards

2010-01-07T14:08:00.006-06:00

When I began this blog, I wasn't quite sure how it would turn out. Lots of singles blogs fall into the "Dating Blog" category. Often times, when I tell people that I write a blog about being "single and happy" they ask me if it is a dating blog.

In 2010, I am finally ready to declare that this is NOT a dating blog. There are so many wonderful dating blogs out there but this isn't one of them.

So now that I've established that this is NOT a dating blog, I can introduce my giveaway item for this week: DatingTopics ToGo cards. The back of this cute 40 card package reads "Let DatingTopics shoulder the conversation-making burden on your next date! Get to know each other better with forty engaging questions guaranteed to entertain as well as enlighten."

*You get an extra entry in the giveaway drawing if you can come up with your own question to add to this deck. *

Too bad christmas just passed because this would be a great white elephant gift for all us non-daters out there.

This giveaway is sponsored by SingleEdition.com. I am currently one of the "Solo Spotlight" people on their home page, so please go check it out and submit your own solo spotlight story!

SingleEdition.com is an online magazine with LOTS of content for singles. It seems to be equal proportions dating/finding-finding-a-mate advice and being happy and healthy and single without the search for happily-ever-after. Kudos to Sherri Langburt for creating a website that shows more than one side of singledom! The site also features a "Buzz Boards" section, an online community for singles where Elsie from Singletude has been contributing regularly already.

So, this is how the Thursday Giveaway work:

All you need to do to enter is post a comment. I'll draw a winner next Thursday from all the commenters and announce it on the next week's giveaway (so you have to check back to see if you won so that you can send me your snail mail address). The winner will get their prize in the mail within a couple weeks.

If you have a product or service which you think may interest my readers, please consider sponsoring a giveaway!! You can email me at singlutionary@gmail.com.

Wednesday Homeowner Series: Singlutionary's House

2010-01-06T01:17:00.005-06:00

Every Wednesday I'll be posting on a topic related to homeownership. Sometimes I'll write about buying a home and sometimes I'll write about fixing a home and sometimes I'll just tell stories about owning a home. If you have a specific question you'd like me to try and address please email me or comment.

Homeownership isn't for everyone. There is nothing wrong with being a life-long renter. I am not of the opinion that people who rent are not "grown-up". You can be a Singlutionary and live in a tent or an apartment or a hotel penthouse. Whether you rent or own does not affect your awesomeness.

I have a house. And I am single. So that is what I am going to write about right here, every Wednesday: Homeownership from a single woman's perspective.

I've been slowly coming into my own in the past two years as a homeowner. I always wanted to have my own house, am fascinated with real estate, with buildings and with the spaces people live in. Basically, I love home. I'm a homebody.

Two and a half years ago I finally bought a house. The funny thing about buying a house is that it seems like this great accomplishment. I felt like I had made it. I had joined the ranks of the land holders.

But the real work had just begun.

Owning a home is a responsibility and a commitment and an ongoing learning experience. And it is a big one. A big huge one. Traditionally, couples bought a house when they were ready to start a family. My parents went that route. But somehow I never got the memo. I never thought that it was strange that I, a single woman in my 20s, would buy a four bedroom single family home all on my own. I didn't stop to think that it might be easier to keep up a house and a garden if there are TWO people instead of just one. I just new what I wanted. And I knew that had always wanted it.

Shortly after I bought the house I became so overwhelmed that I became emotionally paralysed. I remember going over to a friend's house with my sister and staring at the TV, feeling totally incapable of moving or making any decisions about what to do next. I felt literally frozen in place. I was completely overwhelmed but I couldn't even articulate what was wrong. I wasn't depressed. I was just terrified.

When I bought the house, I thought I'd have it in the shape I wanted it to be in within a few months. I knew everything I wanted to do and in my mind's eye, I could see how beautiful it would all be when done. It has taken two and a half years to accomplish 75% of my original to-do list. Two and a half grueling, no-time-to-socialize, paint-splattered clothes, project cluttered years that I wouldn't give back for the world.

Unless you move into a place and have a TON of money and about a month off work to go shopping, meet with contractors and have your entire life turned upside down, it is going to take a while.

Unless your house is brand new. But even then . . . .

Even if you buy a condo . . .

And then, when you get your house into that perfect condition that you've always dreamed of, something goes wrong. And it usually costs a heck of a lot of money to fix it.

For me, a house is not only a home but a sanctuary. It is also a work of art. I consider myself a homemaker. It just so happens that I make a home for myself, my dog and my roommates instead of for my spouse and children. Still, the amount of time and thought and energy and grace that I put into creating a home is immense.

My home is an extension of me. It is an expression of myself. I want it to be clean and beautiful and peaceful because I want to bring clarity and beauty and peace into the world.

I am also very critical of my house. I see everything that is wrong with it. I see the tiny spots where the paint isn't perfect and I see the lack of landscaping in the front yard and I see the books, unceremoniously dumped on the bookshelf and the old aluminum windows that are SO inefficient. There are so so so so so so so many of these imperfections that others don't even notice but which nag at me every day. When I first moved in, there were so many things that needed to be done that I simply couldn't pick which one to start with.

But somehow I got through my new homeowner stupor. And I got down to business. I needed to learn fast and be strong if I was going to figure this all out.

So I started learning. Something broke and I figured out how to fix it. I learned to start thinking about how the plumbing works and how the air conditioner works and how screen doors work and which things can be fixed by a quick trip to Lowe's and which things need more than one set of hands to fix and who to call for what. A big part of owning a home is problem solving. And for me, it was also problem solving on the cheap.

I'm still learning-- often the hard way. There is no "done" when it comes to life or home ownership. If the building is still standing, there is work to be done.

This house, and all that is represents, and the people it shelters is a big part of my life.

So on Wednesdays I'll be sharing my struggles and my triumphs and my frustrations. And answering any question you might have to the best of my ability!

Singlutionary's Guide to Finding an Apartment

2010-01-05T09:40:00.005-06:00

It is Tuesday! And on this first Tuesday of 2010, I am excited to introduce another weekly series: Singlutionary's Guide to Whatever. This is where I'll answer questions (so please ask them) and just offer up advice on various aspects of life-on-your-own. Last year, I pronounced myself an expert at being single and began this blog. I have been single almost all of my life (save a few months here and there) so I have quite a bit of experience with figuring things out on my own and I thought I'd share it. If you're an experienced Singlutionary with wisdom to share on this topic, please continue to build the conversation in the comments!

Building on this month's theme, (Moving-- as a single person on a Singlutionary adventure). I thought I'd write about the first step when you get to you new city: Finding an apartment (I'll write about buying a home and finding roommates later this month). I'm also a former realtor and I'm looking for a job in Apartment Management so I thought this is a great way to share my knowledge.

Finding a new apartment varies city-by-city and I'm not sure what differences exist country-by-country so I will try and stick to some basic principles. If you have a more specific question, please ask and if I can not answer it, maybe another reader can!

Singlutionary's Guide to Finding an Apartment (in a new city, as a single):

Before You Get There

You're excited to be moving to a new city, starting over and beginning whatever adventure lies ahead! But where do you begin? Even experienced renters might feel a little intimidated and/or overwhelmed.

1. Know Your Budget-- But Keep it Flexible

There are a lot of unknowns in moving to a new city. Sometimes you don't have a job there and sometimes you do. Ideally, if you don't have a job, you'll have six months of rent in the bank or a friend or relative who will Guarantee your lease (this means that they are willing to use their income to qualify you for your lease and be on the hook if you don't pay your rent). If you don't have a job in your new city, you'll need to figure out what you can afford once you do get a job. Because getting a job can be harder in a new city where you don't have the personal connections and where your job experience and references are from someplace else and because job markets and pay vary from city to city, it is best to make a low estimate of what you'll be able to afford. Most apartments require that your income is 3 times the rent. So take the worst case monthly income you'd make (if you don't already have a job offer) and divide it by 3. This is about what you can pay in rent. You don't have to live in a palace the first year in your new city! It is better to land on the frugal side because you'll want more money free to dine out and meet people and explore instead of sitting around broke in your expensive apartment.

2. Talk to Everyone You Can -- But Consider the Source

My sister was flying home and overheard a conversation between two couples on the airplane. One couple was relocating to my city and the other couple was offering up advice. The local couple's advice was to move to the Southern Suburbs and to avoid my sister's neighborhood because they'll "get shot there". My sister laughed out loud when she heard that one. She walks and bikes to work, as do her 2 roommates, and has never been afraid of being shot. So, talk to everyone you can about the city. Gather as much information as you can and listen to everything they have to tell you. But always consider who is offering this information. You can learn a lot from listening to BAD information just by considering the source. For example, a yuppie family with kids MIGHT tell you that a certain part of town is unsafe. It might be true. It might also be just the right mix of culture and urban grittiness and affordability for your single self. And a Frat Boy might tell you that the best place to live is in West Campus. Well, yeah. If you want to wake up to the sound of said frat dude barfing on your car. So listen to the advice people are giving you but also ask them questions about who they are and what they like. And don't get any fixed notions . . . just collect that data without making too many judgements . . . yet.

3. Search Online -- But Keep it General

It is possible to rent an apartment online, sight unseen. This is definitely more convenient if you are moving with a ton of stuff--which I don't advocate for (I think you have more of an adventure when you don't bring all your baggage with you-- literally). I advocate for moving 1st and staying in a hotel or with a friend for a week and finding a place -- or, if you're moving to a city with a tight rental market, making an exploratory trip ahead of time (about one to two months out) to find the right apartment-- sometimes you can make a mini vacation of it and bring a friend or your mom or whomever. You can begin to piece together a pretty good concept of your new city online. You can see, generally, how much a studio vs 1 bedroom apartment is, which neighborhoods have apartments within your budget, where your job is in relationship to the rest of the city, what parts of town are walkable/bikeable, etc. Don't look for your specific apartment (it very well might be gone when you get there) or your specific job (unless you are applying ahead of time) or your specific neighborhood. Once again, it is best to just collect as much information as you can about the city. Often times apartments will look cleaner and more spacious or better maintained in pictures than they do in real life. Sometimes the vibe of an area online sounds cool but when you get there, it doesn't feel right for YOU. So just collect data.

Once You're There

You finally did it. You landed in a new city and you're staying someplace and now you need to find a place to live for the next year. Holy freaking crap. This is so exciting!

1. Explore the City

If you have a few days to find an apartment, I suggest that all you do on your first day is explore. You'll already know which areas excite you or which ones seem affordable. Just drive around. Or walk around. Or bike around. Or bus around. Or lightrail around. It is ideal to use whichever mode of transportation you'll be using for your daily life once you settle in. If you live in a walkable, public transity city, do that. If you live in a car laden city, do that. If you see an apartment complex that looks appealing, just walk around it on your own. This is also a great way to discover under-advertised places with "For Rent" signs in the yard. Visit the neighborhoods that you were so excited about when you were sitting on your sofa reading about your new city. By the end of the day you'll be exhausted, you still won't have an apartment and you'll feel like you accomplished nothing. This is an EXCELLENT start.

2. Look, But Don't Commit

Lots of cities have apartment locators. These locators write ads for a specific apartment and when you call about that apartment, it has already been leased but they offer to show you others. This is OK. Locators are legit and they are FREE (they are paid by the apartments). Some locators are better than others and some are stupid and creepy while others are friggin' awesome. Also, locators will only show you apartments that pay them and pay them well. So, even if you meet up with a locator, don't feel suck with them. Continue to look on your own and don't be afraid to view properties with another locator if your first one was creepy (just tell your new locator what your 1st locator showed you). Lots of people will try to sell you and get you to commit to one thing or another. Unless you're in an incredibly tight market at an incredibly tight time of the year, don't commit the first day unless you are 100% sure. Just feel things out. You'll learn a lot about what you don't want. This is exactly what you should be doing.

3. Ask Questions But Listen to What They're Not Saying

There are lots of questions to ask and I'll list them out in a bit. But when you ask the question listen for how the question is answered. If you're going to live in an apartment complex, it is important that you have good management. Often times the person leasing the apartment is just there to lease and they don't participate as much in the actual management. Sometimes they'll avoid telling you something negative by not quite answering your question. Sometimes they will be really frank with you too--which is awesome. Feel the vibe of the people you interact with and their interaction with each other. Also scope out the people you encounter who live in the complex (if you're looking in a complex) or in the neighborhood. Does it look like a community where you would find friends? It is against the law for realtors and apartment management to answer questions about the demographics of their area (how many people are single, how many people are students, what age they are, etc) but you can make your own judgements by looking around the area and by listening to what the leasing folks are NOT telling you.

Some Questions to Ask:

What utilities, if any, are paid?

What bills will I be responsible for?

What portion of my deposit is refundable?

Do you accept pets? What are the restrictions? What are the deposits? How much is refundable?

Do you have lots of complaints about noise?

What lease lengths do you offer? 12 month? 6 month? Is there a difference in price?

Where is the nearest bus stop? Laundry facility? Gym? Grocery store? Cafe? Gas station? Bar? Dog Park?

Do you live here? Do other employees live here?

What happens if my neighbor is having a loud party at 4am?

If something were to break, how soon would you fix it?

What is your favorite restaurant in the area? Where do you like to go out to?

Is there a fee for parking? Is there a fee for using the gym/clubhouse facility?

Who are the providers for electric, gas, water, cable, internet?

I don't have a job yet. Will you accept a guarantor or a co-signer or evidence of savings of 6 months rent or some other option?

What is your criteria for approving applicants?

How long will it take to process my application?

When can I move into this apartment? Is that time frame flexible/negotiable?

Does the management sponsor any community events? Are there any community events nearby?

What happens if I need to break my lease? What will is cost? (This amount can be really big so be sure to ask just so that you know if you do have a problem.)

4. Commit!

Decide on your top choice apartment and on a few second choices. Take an application back to your top choice and check to make sure that the specific apartment you wanted is still available (you should be applying for a specific apartment and that apartment, along with the dates of the proposed lease, should be written on the application). Often times the apartment complex will require a deposit in addition to the application fee with the application. When you turn in that application, you are committing to that apartment. As long as you're approved, that apartment is yours. Be excited! Ask for a copy of the floorplan or if you can take measurements of the apartment (this will SO come in handy when you are at Ikea in a half-brain-dead -overly-stimulated-state later in the day). Ask when you'll be hearing back from them about your approval and if there is any reason they see that you won't be approved (they usually can't answer this latter part, but ask anyway just to see what they say).

When you sign your lease, make sure to ask for a copy. Sometimes the management won't offer it but you'll want it to refer to later on. Be empowered by having a copy of this contract so you know what you signed up for!

Once you're in your lease and living in your apartment, commit to being there. There will be things that suck. (If you're young and single and live in a complex, expect to get hit on.) But the great thing is that you're only there for a year or however long you signed up for. Spend the year enjoying your new city and making new friends! And if after a year you realize that you moved to the wrong part of town you can move again (another reason not to bring too much stuff with you when you move). Or maybe you'll love it there and live there for the next 10 years. Who knows. But you're there, so commit to the experience!

Moving Inspiration: Sixty and Single in Seattle

2010-01-03T23:09:00.006-06:00

I have big plans for the new year including a weekly "schedule" of posts. Every Monday I'll write about something or someone awesome in the world. If you've got something you'd like me to profile, please let me know in the comments or email me!

This month I'm exploring the adventure of moving -- it is terrifying, it is exhilarating, it is annoying and it is exhausting.

It takes courage to uproot yourself from where you've been planted and move. It takes gumption to start all over, especially in a big city.

Mary Davies has courage and gumption. At the age of 60, as a divorced single woman, she moved to Seattle, WA.

If she can do it, so can you!

I very much enjoy reading Mary's uplifting and articulate (she is a professional writer) blog.

Sometimes I get those external social signals which say: You're getting kind of old to be single. Maybe you should get married while you still have the chance. And then I start to think that maybe being single is only fun when you're young, and attractive, and can turn the heads of horny frat boys.

But Mary's blog reminds me that you can embrace singleness at any age and that you can find joy and freedom and adventure and beauty in single life no matter what. Being single is a big adventure and there is no reason to stop growing or get set in your ways if those ways don't suit you!

Read Sixty and Single in Seattle and tell me what you think!

A Fresh Start, Single

2010-01-01T12:33:00.004-06:00

As promised, I am back to writing in the new year! Welcome to 2010!

Not only is this the first year of a new decade, it is also the last year of my 20s. I will turn 30 in about 10 months. This fact didn't bother me too much until I went home for Christmas.

I love going home and I am blessed with a loving and supportive family. My parents are completely accepting of my uncoupled life.

But I think that others are beginning to find it strange. After all, I am almost 30. I am getting old. Pretty soon I won't be able to have children. Do I have any prospects?

My age, coupled with the fact that I am still unemployed makes me out to be somewhat of a pity case in the eyes of some relatives. They are not trying to be assholes; they are genuinely concerned for me.

But I've never lived life according to the pattern. I've always broken the mold. And going home for Christmas this year, I realized, for the first time ever, that I have ALWAYS been the black sheep.

I find so much value and joy in my life. I am happy and, despite current financial strain, I feel secure. Unfortunately, my joyfulness and security doesn't translate back home. Only my parents (who have actually visited me) see the value of my life here.

It is sad somehow, to realize that my own precious and amazing life, when viewed through the eyes of my extended family, is something of concern, something to fret about.

Until now I haven't felt much societal pressure to couple and marry. I've pressured myself because I felt that it would make social interaction with my coupled friends easier or because I thought it would alleviate various other stresses in my life (which I learned it would not). I no longer feel any self-pressure to couple. But I am beginning to feel it from outside in the form of the well meaning queries of loved ones and their stories about their friends, the moral of which always seems to be: "Don't give up hope, you can still get married and have children, you still have some time left".

The great thing is that I don't go home very often. Instead I live in a city where I have always felt accepted and where I have a network of coupled and uncoupled friends who are supportive and appreciative of who I am and see me as a whole person with a life worth celebrating.

If I had never left my home state and had stayed amongst these same people I would have never have gotten to know myself. Part of the problem is that my life in my old city was filled with relationships with people who did not understand me, who had expectations of me that I did not have of myself. It is not their fault that they have a different world view. It is not their fault that they can not comprehend, even now, who I am or what I am doing or how I could be happy living the way I do. These are intelligent, loving people. But there is a narrowness to their thinking. Moving to a new city gave me space for new friends and to establish new relationships with people who are more like me. I am sure there are plenty of kindred spirits back where I come from but my life out there was too full of existing relationships for me to meet them.

So if you're single, give yourself a fresh start this year. If you've wanted to move but were afraid to do so, reach out to this online community for moral support and take the leap. (It is much harder to move once you're coupled.) If, for whatever reasons, you need to grow where you're planted, make a fresh start in another way. Take a class or go on a solo roadtrip. Or just try a new grocery store or a new brand of toothpaste.

The Singlution is back in business in 2010. My fresh start includes posting Monday-Friday with homeowner and do-it-yourself advice, single blogger and single resources profiles, giveaways, personal stories and more.

Happy New Year to my fellow Singlutionaries!

My Toilet Era Comes to a Close

2009-12-05T16:01:00.005-06:00

This year I've successfully removed and installed 3 toilets. I think I'd like to put that on my Christmas card right next to a picture of me and my dog and Santa. Or maybe me and my dog and Santa can be sitting ON the toilet. The recipients of this proposed xmas card may poo themselves in confusion and/or glee (depending on their own awareness of my new found expertise as an amateur plumber).

Slowly but surely I am becoming my own expert at Singlutionary home improvement. I've always loved figuring out how things work and taking things apart but I never thought I'd become my own handywoman. But being an unemployed home owner has left me without many other options: I've had to figure out how to do it and do it on my own because paying someone to do it simply wasn't an option.

In January, included in the new incarnation of this Singlutionary blog, will be a weekly post on do-it-yourself homeowner projects. I've been asked before to write about homeownership for single women-- or singles in general (and I've been trying to get to it) but in addition to offering advice on the home buying process and the basics of home ownership, I'll also write about how to fix/replace/improve stuff on your own. I think that most single people feel intimidated by tackling projects on their own (especially since many projects require more than two hands and who knows if anyone will be around in that moment of desperation when you realize that you need someone to hold this while you drill that) and with a single income, it is sometimes impossible to just hire someone to do all the work.

Buying a house is something I did without even thinking about the fact that I would have to take care of it all on my own. My desire for homeownership would wait for no man. In fact, it never occurred to me that I ought to wait to buy a home until I was "settled down" or in a relationship. But once I bought the house, I started to realize why domestic chores are divided so clearly down the gender line: there is too much work for one person. Or so it seemed at first. How was I supposed to keep up with cleaning and the yard and also fix the sink and also take out the garbage and also paint the ceilings and also decorate on a budget? How was I supposed to set up beds and move sofas and fix the garbage disposal all on my own?

But after two years, I've finally got things under control (with a little help from my friends and plenty of frustrated phone calls to my veteran do-it-yourself parents). Yet, I am still the only single female home owner I know and, aside from one inspirational friend who actually is a professional handywoman, I am the most capable person I know. When I began Singlutionary, I was the only non-seeking single that I knew. And now I have a whole community. I hope that by writing about homeownership/repair/improvement for singles, a wonderful community of joyful home owning Singlutionaries will grow.

So, one day a week in 2010 will be committed to the single homeowners and the wannabe single homeowners of the Singlution.

I'll write from my own experience and be sure to mention at the beginning, when and where in the process a second sent of hands would be ideal or, in fact, necessary. And I'll try to make it funny. So, even if you live in an apartment or a condo or a tent, you'll be entertained. At least a little bit.

Singlutionary on Vacation (and Giveaway Winner)

2009-11-30T11:08:00.004-06:00

I had a fantastic Thanksgiving. My parents came into town and helped me with my house and then afterwards I went to the next city over to visit with my best friend and my sister for the weekend. Being unemployed is nice because I got to spend a great deal of time with them. But now the impending doom is setting in. I have been out of work for a month.

I have lots of distractions in my life right now: a broken washing machine, unpaid bills, unfinished projects, runaway chickens and an extra large post-Thanksgiving sized stomach.

Some of these distractions may be to blame for my inability to post as often or as insightfully as I would like to. I have plenty of things to write about so that is not the problem. The problem, in addition to my many distractions (which were always there), is that I need to discover a new approach to writing Singlutionary. When I began this blog I was in the midsts of a personal revelation and I was rapidly changing and discovering awesome singleness and that is what I wrote about, as it occurred to me. Now that I am solidly single and am no longer so much in awe of the awesomeness that is my life, I am not sure where to write from. I want to keep writing but I lack focus on all fronts.

Writing this blog and engaging with other bloggers and with commenters has brought me so much comfort and encouragement over the past year. And I want to continue to write Singlutionary and to read and comment on other singles blogs. But for the next month I am going to take a step back and figure out how I want to continue. You might not even notice a difference when I start up again. My writing won't change. I will still try to be funny and fun and hopeful. But it is important to me that when I do post, my posts are well thought out and well written and at this juncture (between been unemployed and having so many projects which need finishing) I don't have the focus to post well AND often.

I suppose that both I (THE Singlutionary) and the blog (Singlutionary) are having a mini identity crisis of sorts. I've accepted my wonderfully single life and now instead of looking back at all the mistakes I've made or looking forward towards a Happily-Ever-After rescue from my own demons by some imagined Prince Charming, I am merely looking at my real life in all its glory and asking: What next? Where do I go from here? Where do I take my real life? What kind of a career do I want to have? What do I want to do with this blog? What is the purpose of Singlutionary? How fitting to be thinking these thoughts at the close of the calendar year.

I want to make this blog better, connect with more awesome positive singleness sites, profile inspiring people, offer once-a-week single-friendly giveaways, tell good stories and keep the Singlution growing. And in order to do that I need a little time to get the rest of my life in check.

So I won't be posting much during the next month. I will be twittering so please find me there (you can click through using the twitter feed over on the right side of this page). But I'll be back with a vengeance in 2010!

In the meantime, I encourage you to post in comments about other great sites or blogs or articles or any other various inspirational singleness that we can redirect to. I've tried to keep my blog roll up to date but I know that there are many wonderful single writers out there that I have missed!

**The giveaway winner from last week (from a random drawing from all entries) is Stevi! Stevi, I need your snail mail address so I can send you the GO Smile travel kit courtesy of singleedition.com

Sundays will continue to be giveaway days in the new year!

In the meantime, comment to your hearts content. And I hope to be doing the same. Just reading and twittering for one whole month. Oh, decadent bliss.

Dang It. I am a Twit.

2009-11-22T21:48:00.004-06:00

I've decided to start twittering. It takes me a lot of energy and time to put together an actual blog post but I do have lots of single sentence Singlutionary thoughts through out the day. My twitter account also tweets comments I make on other blogs through backtype.

So please follow me: http://twitter.com/singlutionary

And please sign up for this week's giveaway.

I promise to start posting regular thoughtful posts again after the holidays.

Expecting Less of Myself (and Giveaway*)

2009-11-22T09:30:00.000-06:00

Last week I experimented on myself: I refused to make any lists for one whole week.

I am a compulsive list maker. I am constantly making lists of things to do and when I am going to do them. I am very detailed. Instead of just "work on the yard" I list out every single thing that needs to be done in the yard. I try very hard to be super productive but often times I find myself at the end of the day with only a portion of my list completed. I am constantly under-budgeting my time and over-budgeting my tasks. This whole list thing also makes me feel trapped because suddenly these things which I enjoy are no longer enjoyable simply because there are so many of them to do and not enough time to do them in.

In an attempt to be more open and allowing things to unfold in my life instead of controlling every second of my existence, I decided to commit to a week with NO LISTS. And it hurt. It really hurt at first. Every half an hour I would think something like "well, I better go see what is on my list" or "I should add that to my list" or "I need a list for that". Last Saturday I didn't know what to do with myself. I kept telling myself to just "do what you want to do now" which was actually pretty helpful.

At the end of the 2nd day, I had accomplished a great deal of little things. Some of the things I wouldn't usually feel good about because they're not typically on my to-do list. Like talking to my mom for example or going to a movie with a roommate or taking a nap. I also set out beans to soak overnight, did SOME work in the backyard and tidied up. I also found myself becoming obsessed with this Farmville game on Facebook which may explain why I didn't post a single thing on Singlutionary for the rest of the week.

Of course, I still haven't fixed my toilet or painted the downstairs hall either.

Anyways. I think that all of this is important in regards to wanting a relationship. Teapot doesn't seem to be very proactive about calling me and I've decided to just wait until he makes a move. I don't know if he will but it doesn't matter because I have been plenty busy doing my own thing and enjoying life and doing what I want to do in the moment instead of trying to budget in time to spend with him around my crazy home improvement schedule. In the past I would be agonizing over every second that went by without a word for him. I'd be angry and offended that he hadn't called but also desperate to hear from him.

So I guess what I am saying is that I am trying to learn how to go with the flow of my own day and I am hoping that by letting go, I allow even more grace and beauty and wonder into my life.

I already know how futile it is to be Type A about finding a partner but now I need to apply that concept to my whole life!

*Today is Giveaway day!

The winner of last last week's giveaway drawing is: Jenn

Please email me with your address so I can mail your Revolution Tea Sampler prize to you!

In honor of the long overdue teeth cleaning I had this week (it sucked to be at the dentist but my teeth feel SO GOOD now), I am giving away a Go Smile Go Travel kit. This is the perfect little package for anyone who travels a lot and is obsessed with good dental hygiene.

In order to enter the giveaway, please leave a comment and do ONE of the following (if you haven't already):

1. Post my button (copy and paste the text from just below the button found on the right side of Singlutionary.com on your blog/website)

2. Link to my blog on your blog/website in your blogroll or otherwise

3. If you don't have a website/blog, email a couple friends about Singlutionary and CC me at Singlutionary@gmail.com

This week's giveaway is possible because of SingleEdition.com!

Check back next Sunday for the results. The giveaway deadline is 6am Sunday morning.

Struggling to Keep Up with Singlutionary

2009-11-17T16:46:00.002-06:00

I need to post the winners of last week's raffle giveaway and post the new giveaway.

I need to write all the great posts running through my head about my crazy life and my big girl bed and my dog and Teapot and my week of list-less living.

And I will.

Please bear with me.

Real life keeps taking over.

And I am one of those crazy (annoying) people obsessed with Farmville on Facebook.

FORGIVE ME!

Bored and Boring (Another Toilet Story)

2009-11-13T18:01:00.004-06:00

Tonight I was going to take out my toilet, replace the toilet shutoff valve and the hose and then tomorrow I was going to put in the new toilet. This is the last of 3 toilets which I am replacing in my house. The other two replacements were a pain in the ass and a learning experience and are now gleaming white monuments to water conservation.

This last toilet is my toilet: My daily flusher. It is a vintage throne from the 1970s with a giant tank, a perpetually stained seat and a permanent water ring in the bowl. It also spontaneously gurgles and gushes due to slow leak from the flapper that I haven't fixed because I've been planning to replace it every weekend for the past 5 months. My toilet was also going to be (once upon a time) the guinea pig toilet. It was downstairs, so if I did something wrong (as everyone seemed to think I would), the water would leak out onto the cement slab and the not down into the kitchen. It was also the hall bathroom so if I screwed it up, I could use the upstairs toilet until I found an affordable plumber.

But when I set out to begin this toilet adventure, I found that the little valve behind the toilet that shuts off it's water was rusted. In order to replace it, I would have to turn off the water to the whole house. That could be a disaster. I didn't know how long it would take for me to replace the little shutoff valve and with 4 women in the house, all of whom eat are eaters of vegetables, it wouldn't be long before there was a major stinky meltdown mess worthy of its own reality TV show in the house.

So, on this fine Friday night, I was getting excited about my date with Mr. Toilet. I went out to the street to turn the water off to the house. It took me a while to unearth the shutoff valve because it had gotten buried under dirt but I got to it. And I turned it. But it wouldn't turn all the way off. Its rusted just like the one inside. I called the city and talked to a fellow who thought I was a little stupid. He told me to put WD 40 on it. He also told me that that valve is my responsibility, not the responsibility of the city. I sprayed some lube on it and decided to wait until tomorrow.

So instead of spending a perfectly good Friday night on a perfectly productive plumbing project, I am sitting around in pajamas. It is only 6pm. Other homeowner projects on my list include working in the backyard (which ideally utilizes daylight and requires getting free woodchips from the city which are only available on weekdays), painting (which requires sanding and creating a giant mess which I am not ready for), more plumbing stuff (which, again, requires shutting off the water) and getting a big girl bed (which is the future topic of a long overdue blog post).

It is Friday night and thanks to some rusty valves, I have nothing to do.

There is no word from Teapot who seems to be uninterested in traditional dating schedules (I can't blame him) and who has also explained to me that he is "Type B" and I am "Type A". He pointed out that Type As get bored but Type Bs are OK no matter where they are.

I get bored a lot.

But life isn't boring for long. Even while I was writing this post I talked to one roommate about going to a movie and my fellow Singlutionary, Handy Woman called. My parents called too.

*If you haven't yet entered my this week's giveaway remember to post a comment before the end of the day on Sunday. And never fear for there are many more giveaways to come.

Teapot (and Revolution Tea Sampler Giveaway from Single Edition**)

2009-11-09T09:28:00.004-06:00

It has been over a week now since my first date with Teapot. I like Teapot and Teapot likes me. At least I think that is still the case. I usually never get past a constricted first date with guys. I know right away that there is a problem with them or with any potential "us". Most first dates make me want to cry and barf at the same time which is why I rarely go on them. The last time I got as far as a second date was with the Porsche driving Pedestrian Bridge Makeout Boy. Either he didn't like the way I kissed or he just wanted to get laid because I never heard from him again. That was 9 months ago.

Lately I've been having a hard time posting because I feel some conflict as a Singlutionary. For the first time in a long time, I actually have space in my life for a relationship. And I want one. Christina at Onely wrote not too long ago encouraging folks to ask themselves WHY they want a relationship instead of wanting to be single. I think this is a valid question. Most times when I have asked myself this question in the past, I have gotten an answer that wasn't quite right and was something I actually wanted in myself instead of needing a partner to fill it: Financial stability, someone to hold the ladder while I go on the roof, someone to get groceries on the way home from work, a house/home, someone to travel with. As I became more and more Singlutionary, I realized that many of these reasons for desiring to couple were merely deficits that I saw in myself and I figured out how to overcome them. I was able to buy a house on my single income (when I had an income-- I am now unemployed), I can always ask a roommate to hold the ladder, I've accepted that there is no such thing as financial stability in this day and age and I have created a wonderful home which I share with my roommates and my friends and adopted family. I have also accepted the challenges and joys of solo travel.

I know now what I do NOT want. I do not want someone to complete me. My life is already complete. In fact sometimes it is overwhelmingly full. I do not want someone to follow nor do I want a follower.

I have learned to be a wonderful companion to myself. I also have fantastic roommates who I share stories of my day with and who I can tell about getting fired and other disappointments. I even have a friend who I can regale with tales of taking out toilets.

I have a best friend in the same state and a sister in the same town. I have best friends from childhood in the same city.

But all my friends are busy. And partnered.

I used to want to partner because I missed my friends and I felt that the only way to spend time with them was to partner myself so that we could do couple things together (this is when we were in our early 20s and they were newly married and wouldn't do anything without their "other half"). But my desire to have a companion now has less to do with wanting to see my friends more often (I would see them one-on-one now if I so desired) and more to do with having the space for a new friendship.

I have space in my life for a new relationship and I crave the growth and expansion that comes from engaging with a new person and making a new friend. Anais Nin wrote:

Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

I have always felt this way about friendship-- that it is something powerful and sacred and truly important. I am ready for a new friend.

Why does this friend have to also be a romantic partner?

Because in our culture it is hard to not let friendships fall by the wayside. I already have a best friend and a sister. I have lots of women in my life. I would like a best male friend. And my experience with best male friends is that can be ripped from your life by a jealous wife/girlfriend.

I am looking for a best male friend/partner. Because that kind of relationship is easier to keep forever. Most of my friends are forever friends. I don't really have too many of the other kind.

I haven't heard from Teapot for a few days. I am assuming that he is busy with work and I don't mind because I am busy too. I don't have space for someone who wants to see me every day. Teapot might disappear too and then all this thinking is for nothing. But even if he does stick and I find myself coupled, I will still write and I will still be Singlutionary.

There is a Singlutionary way to be single and there is a Singlutionary way to be coupled. Either way. I am still living the Singlution.

**Today is the first day of my weekly giveaway series. At the end of each Sunday post (yes, I know it is Monday already and I am duly embarrassed), I will state the giveaway item and the criteria to enter. The winner will be drawn from a hat of commenters. For this first giveaway, all you have to do in order to get your name in the hat is to comment stating that you'd like to be entered. I will post the winner at the end of next Sunday's blog along with the next giveaway item/criteria for entering.

Today's giveaway item is a Variety Tea Sampler of 5 teas from Revolution Tea.

Today's giveaway is sponsored by SingleEdition.com

The End of Abstinent Admirer

2009-11-04T11:22:00.003-06:00

I used to have a beaux named Abstinent Admirer. He would come into the office where I worked and shower me with admiration. But not in a creepy way. And I loved it. He was smart and funny and knew about cars and I sang his praises all over this blog.

I thought he was an OK guy and when he announced to me on a walk that he was abstinent (for the past 18 years no less) I took it as a sign that I could trust him. After all, all of my relationships have been short lived and most of them were only about sex. This was a new kind of experience.

I decided to give Abstinent Admirer a chance.

But Abstinent Admirer wasn't only sexually abstinent. He was also emotionally abstinent. He couldn't seem to get past meeting me in the office. He took me to a football game once but seemed scared to sit next to me. At the end of the night he ran off to his sister's house and I felt completely rejected. I thought maybe we would hang out and talk for a while maybe hold hands or at least sit next to each other.

Before I was fired last week, Abstinent Admirer had faded from potential boyfriend to friend to acquaintance to nothing. I am sure he went by on Monday to pay his rent and I am sure he was told that I no longer work there. And I am sure that some part of him was relieved.

But in the absence of Abstinent Admirer, I am still, well, abstinent.

But why and for how long? Am I waiting for marriage like Abstinent Admirer was? That is a hard thing to do when one isn't really too keen on getting married. What am I waiting for then?

There are a couple guys--like Skinny Waiter who (I think) I made out with on the night I lost my purse/shoes/dignity and Anal Sex Australian and Angsty Indie Film/Large Cucumber Guy who would happily take a dip in my enchanted pool but the thought of having sex with any of them totally disgusts me. It is a path that I have been down before many times: Having sex with men who just want sex from me as if is some kind of final prize on which they pretend to hang their happiness.

I want to have sex in a relationship where there is love and trust. I know that sounds kinda old fashioned for a Singlutionary but why the heck not? At the same time sex within a loving respectful relationship seems as far away as peace on earth or a steady paycheck.

I had a date with Teapot on Sunday. I don't want to write too much about it at this juncture (since this is not a dating blog) but it did make me wonder: When is it appropriate for ME to have sex again? What do I want to do/feel/see/understand/believe before I have sex. How do I want that all to play out?

So far my abstinence has been about not getting hurt (although I was hurt anyways by Abstinent Admirer) and not repeating the same experience I've repeated too many times before. But what happens after that? How do I get to the point where I'm having a new kind of experience and what do I want this new experience to be like?

I haven't quite figured all of that out yet. But it is interesting to think about. I've never thought about this before. I've said things like: "I don't want to have sex until the 3rd date or until we've been together 3 months" but I've never thought about how I wanted to FEEL before having sex.

So I guess at this juncture in my life I am opening up to being in a relationship. But that is another post altogether.

Fired. Up.

2009-11-01T11:00:00.003-06:00

Does being single make it easier to be a work-a-holic? My former boss is a single man in his 40s with no life outside of work. He hides in work and expects all of his employees to do the same. He hates granting vacation or the fact that people have relationships outside of the office. He hated it when I clocked out and went home at the end of the work day instead of hanging out with him off the clock.

Being around him for 40 hours a week made me wonder if being single is actually a sign of being an insecure, damaged, busybody psychopath. He made me wonder if I was really just lying to myself about being a satisfied single. Instead, was I, like him, just doing anything and everything to avoid emotional intimacy, commitment and relationships?

This man does not set a good example for the Singlution. On his days off, he drives by employees homes to spy on them. He fired me for being "rude, disrespectful and combative" but wouldn't give me a single example of my rude, disrespectful or combative behavior. I think he resented me for having a great single life with rich friendships. My best friend was visiting this past week and something about that made him incensed. And I think he hated the attention I got from my admirers. Obviously my former boss, Mr. Maple, needs some help becoming Singlutionary.

There is this documentary out there called "Fired" and I recommend it to anyone who has been fired or just can't get any respect in this current economy. Its funny. Its honest. There is one quote in there that I can't properly credit but it goes something like this: "Getting fired is god's way of telling you to do something else."

Getting fired two days ago was a blessing. Every day I went to work and was handed some kind of veiled insult by Mr. Maple and every day I had one foot out the door. I was in constant conflict and I felt like I was getting nowhere. My job was easy and I was already trained to take on the position above me but I knew that my boss was loathe to give me the promotion even though I had been doing that job for most of the month. But I also really enjoyed the community I was a part of. I liked my admirers, the residents I knew by name and all their dogs. I loved the other folks I worked with. I have never worked with so many kind, good and funny people before. Mr. Maple was the only problem. So every day I talked myself out of quitting and found a way to put up with constantly being put down.

Until Friday. On Friday I stood up for myself and got fired. And when he fired me, Mr. Maple really just gave me a promotion.

Jobs are a lot like relationships. And I'm not really interested in staying in an abusive one. Sometimes the benefits of the relationships outweigh the abuses but it usually doesn't take long for the scale to tip.

I might not need a boyfriend, but I do need a job. And I'll find one. But I'll be picky. In the meantime I'll temp, work on the house and start writing my book. I've heard that its easier to find a job when you're actively engaged and not just sitting around waiting for the phone to ring. That is familiar advice when it comes to finding your soulmate as well, right?

So. I best get off the internet and deal with some sewer problem I'm having where my toilet is bubbling up with water from the washing machine. Then I'll take a shower and go on an informal date with Teapot.

That is right. My last act of rebellion on Friday (after recycling my office paper which Mr. Maple also hates) was to give Teapot my phone number.

I'll hopefully be posting more regularly again during my unemployment and next week I am going to begin a weekly Sunday morning give-away thanks to Single Edition.

Singlutionary Turns 29 and Gets Fired Up!

2009-10-31T10:29:00.003-05:00

Well, actually, I just got fired.

Oh there is so much to write about.

I miss my blog and I miss my blog friends and I promise to write all about my birthday and all about getting fired and fired up and about the disappearance of my abstinent admirer and about Teapot and about what I am going to do now.

I just have to figure it all out.

Maize Maze

2009-10-18T20:09:00.003-05:00

My fellow Singlutionary and former roommate/chicken-coop conspirator found a Maize Maze in the shape of Texas and invited her friends to attend. So today we all carpooled up and drove out into the middle of nowhere to find a huge event with massive parking and children and parents everywhere. Aside from our group, we were the only grown-ups there unescorted by a child under the age of 12.

I loved that.

Corn mazes are for everyone!

And now the weekend is over, my house is a mess, the dog is unwalked and I am exhausted.

Maggots, Money and Magic

2009-10-11T19:26:00.005-05:00

This morning I got up late but refreshed. The weather here is suddenly cool and has been rainy for a couple weeks. I was finally able to turn off the AC and just let the house sit here, uncooled and unheated.

I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. And while I was sitting there, I noticed a maggot trying to find someplace to live/eat/breathe in the baseboard.

Usually when there is one maggot, there is a whole family of them, writhing across some otherwise clean surface trying to find a new home. I am not ashamed to admit that this is my 3rd experience with a maggot migration. The first was over a year ago in my kitchen. It happened while I was cleaning (I run a fairly tight ship in terms of cleaning so I see the maggots as a sign that I live in harmony with nature not that I am a lousy housekeeper). The second was at Bosslady's where they blended in almost perfectly with the tile. I spent a full 60 minutes spotting and chasing down maggots with a dustpan and then dumping their small writhing remains off her deck.

There a lot of things which fail to disgust me: poo, pee, jiz, blood and bugs. But maggots, barf and worms freak me out at least a little bit. Barf especially.

Anyways, since I'm not squeamish about spiders or roaches or insects in general, I am typically the level headed person who removes them. To put it in archaic cultural terms: I am the man in the family. So today, as I calmly (but with slight disgust) tracked down and swept up little maggots as they made their mad-dash to someplace, it didn't even occur to me that I was doing this alone. And, once I had collected all the maggots, I proceeded directly outside where I fed them to the chickens. This caused great delight amongst the foul and I was particularly pleased with myself for turning maggots into marmalade.

There is something to be said about HAVING to do things. At my job, I interact with a lot of people who don't have to work, don't have to clean and don't really have to do much with their lives. More often than not, these folks are walking disasters. If I didn't have to wrangle maggots, I most certainly wouldn't. If I didn't have to clean the occasional dog barf from the floor (nearly causing me to barf in the process), I wouldn't do that either. Last time my house was invaded by maggots, I was horrified, disgusted and thoroughly freaked out. I felt that there was something wrong with my entire life because a) I had maggots and b) I had nobody to help me with them.

If I had money I could at least, theoretically, hire somebody else to deal with the maggots although by the time any hired maggot eliminator arrived, the maggots would have found themselves a nice warm place to feed and breed.

For a long long time I had an escape fantasy that some hot rich white dude in a porsche would ride into my life and we would tear off into the sunset burning fossil fuels as if there was no tomorrow. (For some reason, in this fantasy, the guy was never as douchey as I just made him sound). Then I read this book which I can't remember the title or the author of but it was about how to be a successful (and typically single) business woman and the things which typically hold women back. One thing the author mentioned was that most women have an escape fantasy about money - - especially when you're a risk taker who is constantly putting all her money, soul and guts on the line to build her own business. My escape fantasy has always been some variation on the classical prince charming.

Of course prince charming never had to deal with lowly things like maggots and menstrual cramps.

Lately I've been struggling to pay off a credit card which charges me 30% interest. Ugh. I have a ton of debt and it all came from putting my heart and soul on the line to pursue my dreams. I don't regret a cent of it. And now that I have a (somewhat) good job, I am able to make steady payments. But the debt doesn't disappear overnight.

Many people have encouraged me to just ask my parents for the money to pay off this credit card and then I can pay them back at 15% but I was too proud to do it. Yesterday, against my better judgement, I emailed my parents asking if I could postpone some debts that I have to them in order to take care of this card. I got a lecture! It was humiliating. I should never have asked.

But before I got the lecture, I went to the grocery store to spend my last $30 in the world. And that is when I realized:

It is the limits that make life interesting and make us who we are. My life is not limited in such a way that it is impossible for me to grow or live or thrive. I am not impoverished nor am I uneducated (despite the fact that my education seems to be pretty meaningless when it comes to my salary). And so far in life, I have done a pretty good job of rescuing myself.

I've paid off credit card debt before. And the times when I had the least money were the times where I had to be most creative. In our culture we have this concept of the "starving artist". I have chosen to reject that notion. I believe that I can live a creative life and (eventually) become self employed doing creative things without having to be destitute and dysfunctional. I don't see pursing my creative endeavors and having money as being mutually exclusive.

But as I have slimmed my life down past the point that I thought it could be slimmed, I've gotten better at certain things. I've gotten better at maintaing relationships, at writing, at being organized about pursing my goals. Life suddenly seems more simple.

Which makes me wonder: is the artist starving because she is an artist or is the artist an artist because she is starving? I think it might be a little of both.

Having no spending money takes away the distractions. I can't simply be entertained nor can I simply be fed. I have to take the time to nurture myself, think for myself, entertain myself and find creative ways to give and be gracious to others. I have to find alternative ways to build a chicken coop and to feed my chickens.

The last time I paid off massive credit card debt I wasn't being charged 30% interest. But it still was a miracle. Back then I had a car payment and a long commute and many other obstacles. I worked hard but still, the amount of money I paid off compared to my income and my expenses was just short of miraculous.

I will get out of debt again. And the road won't be void of pleasure. I won't be zooming through it in Prince Charming's Porsche and I might step in some poo and be chased by maggots. But when I arrive at the castle, it will be all mine and I'll know enough to be grateful for it. And my chickens can roost in the towers while the dog herds sheep out in the pastures.

And then I'll buy a hybrid and a ranch in west Texas. And I'll be off again on a new journey.

*This post was inspired, in part, by my Cockatiel friend who has always found a way to live her dreams and has never once accepted anything short of being her (delightfully tall) self but who still wouldn't mind having a date to the ball or a Mr. Art Deco on her arm (just as long as she doesn't have to get married to him and produce his offspring).

It turns out that I do have single friends who read this blog after all.

Teapot Gets Cockblocked (and other frustrations)

2009-10-08T21:20:00.006-05:00

A week or so ago I wrote about my new admirer, the Teapot. Well, today Teapot called the office to make sure I had gotten the insurance info that I needed from him (but he was actually delighted to have an excuse to talk to me). And my boss totally knew Teapot wanted to talk to me so he stood there dramatically chatting away even after I returned to my desk and sat there staring at him. Teapot is leaving for two weeks to some other country for work so he won't have another excuse to call me for a while.

Yesterday, I was in a meeting when Abstinent Admirer came in with two very long florescent light bulbs. He and my boss played Star Wars until the Maintenance supervisor broke it up. I was suck in a glass bubble and could only look out at them. By the time I was released from the bubble, Abstinent Admirer was gone.

I got paid today. Which is usually a nice thing. Except I have so much credit card debt that I sit around for two weeks waiting to get paid, then get paid, then make an as-giant-as-possible payment to my highest rate credit card. Thirty minutes after I get paid, I am back sitting around waiting to get paid again.

The only thing that breaks up the monotony is my admirers (who are funny and interesting) and the dogs that live on the property (who are all small and hungry).

I promise to post something more funny and interesting (instead of small and hungry) tomorrow.

Heathen Family Home Evening

2009-10-06T23:00:00.007-05:00

This week I had Heathen Family Home Evening ((H)FHE) with my sister. We plan to have (H)FHE every Monday night just like a normal mormon family but she had to work late this past Monday so we had it on Tuesday instead.

Family Home Evening is one of those things I picked up on when I lived in Utah. And since me and my sister are on the periphery of mormonism but definitely not real mormons by any stretch of the imagination we jokingly call it "Heathen FHE".

This week was kinda the first week of this new tradition. For the past year, my sister and I didn't really talk to each other. She is 8 years younger than me and had to go out in the world and grow up and now she is an adorable, sweet, responsible young woman who is gracefully and bravely continuing to live her life in the wake of her mother's sudden death a few weeks ago.

After all the dust settled from the funeral and we both made it safely back home, I asked her if she would have (H)FHE with me every Monday.

I enjoy FHE because, while it is about family, to me it is really about community: It is not an exclusive activity, but an inclusive one. My sister and I have FHE at my house and my roommates come and go with their stories and conversations and it would also be OK to include a friend or even a stranger. We just spend time making and eating dinner and catching up with each other about the week or doing a simple project like making ice cream or creating post cards. Its really basic. And that is why I like about it. It is a night to honor the folks who are, for whatever reason, in my living room that night. And its one night a week which is dedicated to celebrating the joy and love that these people bring into my life. It doesn't matter if they've been in my life 21 years or 21 hours. I just matters that they're here and that we all are appreciative of each other's existence.

Our culture seems to be set up for people to honor their spouse of their partner in many ways on many days through out the year. We also have ways to show love and appreciation for our parents and children (if you've got 'em). But what about everyone else? Since college I've started to feel like the only way to honor friends is to take them out to dinner or to throw a party all of which requires driving around town and parking and spending a lot of money and energy and often leaves me so exhausted that I wish I didn't have any friends to begin with.

Setting aside one night a week to gather with the folks who are important in my life feels incredibly comforting and rewarding. Observing Heathen Family Home Evening is a great way to make a habit of honoring everyone in my life: my sister, my roommates, my friends and my Singlutionary dog. We sit around and share good company, laughter, simple homemade food and (if your heathen like me) a bottle of wine. But really we mainly sit around being grateful for each other.

Call it whatever you want but I heart this new tradition. And I heart it even more because it has nothing to do with spending or status. Its really about just being us, whoever we are, no matter what we're going through.

The Singlution Renewed

2009-10-04T15:48:00.007-05:00

For a while I didn't have much to write about. I was busy adjusting to my new job and the new life that came with it. I've come to realize that it takes about 3 months (not three weeks) to really get adjusted to any new part of life and it takes about 3 years for a big new thing (like a new city or a new career or a new relationship) to feel normal.

Maybe that is why my relationships only last 3 months: I've never met someone that I'm willing to adjust to. I've also been told that the first 3 years of marriage are the hardest.

But that isn't what I'm here to write about. At least, not today.

When I started this blog I was a brand new Singlutionary. I was so excited to have finally figured out that being single wasn't my fault or some deficit I needed to constantly be on the defensive about. Instead, being single, at any age and for any period of time is something to celebrate. There are many many many benefits to being single. Back in January, I was just learning how to count my blessings.

Ten months later, I am still counting my blessings but the daily ins-and-outs of my shamelessly single life are so satisfactory that for a while I didn't know what to write about. Being Singlutionary doesn't seem so revolutionary anymore.

But lately I've found myself having an affair with this blog. I meet up with it for lunch in the back room of my office. And then after a long day at work I come home and snuggle up with it in bed. This blog is my boyfriend. But it is my circle of friends too. The blogging community (both single and coupled) is always there for me and although I've never met so many of my wonderful blog friends face-to-face, I feel supported and loved every time I log on. I also appreciate the perceptiveness of my fellow bloggers, the interesting and beautiful things people have to say and the articulateness with which they have to say them.

I love being a voice in the singles blog world but for me, the days of "I'm so excited to be happy and single" are over. Instead I'm just happy and most of the time I forget that I'm single. Being single is just normal.

My life is still, to various degrees, shaped by my singleness but that is not all there is to me. So, I will continue to write about potential mates, about traveling alone, about attending weddings solo, about annoying comments from perpetually coupled friends. But I will also just write about my life, my family, my dog, my house, my friendships, my sad attempts at overcoming my desire to eat cake all day long (even when I am happy).

So, in short. I am back and as Singlutionary as ever. In addition to more frequent posts, I'll be revamping my blog roll, updating the site, offering some giveaways, reviewing books and expanding my reach. But mostly I'll just be telling stories from my shamelessly single experience.

Reproduction

2009-10-03T11:18:00.014-05:00

I have a new admirer at work. He is some kind of nerd engineer just like most of my admirers through out my life. I don't know what it is about me that attracts nerd engineers. Anyways. My new admirer is funny, appropriate and has a face that kinda looks like a teapot. He is also just one year older than me but actually seems like a grown up.

Although I appreciate my new admirer, I also suspect that he is the kind of person who wants to have kids. Most people want to have kids especially nice stable 30 year old engineering teapots. And most people look at me and think that I am a nice stable almost 30 year old future baby maker.

Despite common perception, it is not a high priority for me in life to have kids. On the other hand, I can not say that I am 100% sure that I will not have kids either. If I were stronger in my no-kid convictions I would have had my tubes fried when I was 21. But my convictions only go this far: I do not want to have kids anytime soon and I most likely do not want to give birth. I would rather adopt.

Of course there are a couple problems with my convictions:

1. If I don't want to have kids anytime soon (not anytime in the next 5-10 years) but I am rapidly approaching 30, my uterus might be retired by the time I get the desire to reproduce.

2. Even if I do not reproduce via my uterus and instead opt to adopt someone else's reproduction, I will still be an older parent. My parents were older parents and I have always wished that, if I were to be a parent, I be a bit younger than my parents were.

3. It is considered normal to want to have kids. Having kids is typically seen as the main reason for being married or being on planet earth. Most people have a strong inherent desire to reproduce. I am comfortable with my own lack of desire. I don't think there is anything wrong with me. But it does limit the pool of potential partners.

Why does Teapot's mere admiration bring all this up for me? I don't really know. I still haven't figured out what kind of relationship I want with a man, if any, much less if Teapot is really a qualified suitor. But I do feel attracted to him just as I still feel attracted to Abstinent Admirer. At this point in my life, I am attracted to people for qualities beyond sex. Teapot and Abstinent Admirer are fine male specimens but they are also interesting, caring and (dare I say) Singlutionary individuals.

Maybe I am thinking about reproduction more today because I have been suffering from menstral cramps for about 12 hours now. They kept me up last night and since I have recently developed an allergy to Advil, I am babying my baby maker with a heating pad and hippie remedy tea (the tea actually seems to be working).

I always get confused as to whether it is my uterus or my ovaries which are cramping. So I googled. And according to the Mayo Clinic, cramps are supposed to "lessen with age and often disappear once a woman has given birth". If that were true I would have gone ahead and had a baby at 25 and lived cramp free for the rest of my life! Are my cramps simply a monthly reminder that I have not yet reproduced? I think the Mayo Clinic is nuts because I know plenty of women who have given birth and still double up with cramps every month. Maybe they just didn't have ENOUGH babies?

I don't know the answer to any of those nasty questions. Nor do I know what I think I might want from Teapot or from any potential mate. But I do now know, thanks to Abstinent Admirer, that I do want more than sex and less than children. I guess just a nice, comfortable, mutually supportive, long-term intimate relationship with someone worthy of welcome into my already vibrant life would be ideal.

In closing, I would like to point out that the female reproductive system looks a lot like a longhorn:

For some strange reason this made me feel more Texan just for having lady parts. But then google also revealed to me that I am not the first person to have this revelation:

Sigh.

Singlutionary and Special K are "Livin' the Dream"

2009-10-01T16:28:00.005-05:00

Special K is one of my single blog friends. I enjoy reading her blog and hearing about her life. Last week she moved to Germany (from America). She got a job there and just up and moved. I think that is really brave and cool and wonderful. I thought I was too big for my britches when I up and moved to the South from the West Coast but I can still DRIVE home. It might be two thousand miles but I merely moved to another state. K moved to another CONTINENT.

Today I am the guest blogger on The Special K Treatment. K mentioned to me that many of her readers are in their early 20s and maybe I could write about wanting to have a boyfriend. But I no longer pine away for a boyfriend all the time (just in a few of my weaker moments). But I began to wonder why I did spend so many years pining away for some man in sexy jeans to carry me off into the sunset. And that led me to write about some of the things I never knew (but wish I had) about life when I was 19.

Please check it out!

Blog Crawl Goes (Went) Out with A Bang: Day 7 Bella on Onely

2009-09-27T22:55:00.002-05:00

So much for catching up today.

Things I did do:

Cleaned the downstairs of my house
Organized and cleaned my room to pre-life-upheaval state
Waited around for potential roommate who never showed (typical)
Met up with my sister, ate deli sandwiches, got lots of peppercorns stuck in my teeth, made very tart lemon ice cream from scratch
Put coolant in my chronically overheated, coolant leaking car
Ate healthy (except for the ice cream)
Finally felt not-hung-over (I will never drink purple margaritas again)
Showered, twice
Laundry including dog laundry (dog bedding which is totally gross to wash) and ironing
Let the chickens out and gave them a quarter of an overly ripe, overly expensive organic mellon
Made an attempt to figure out how I am going to pay all my bills this month

Things I did not do:

Clean the upstairs of my house including the upstairs bathroom which desperate needs to be cleaned
Walk the dog
Clean out the chicken coop which is starting to smell a lot like barn
Catch up on the blog crawl
Give myself a pedicure while watching a long neglected netflix
Find a new roommate (which would solve most of my financial issues)
Finish sanding and painting the upstairs hallway
Fix my car
Replace my toilet
Get groceries

The last day of the blog crawl was YESTERDAY, soon to be yesterday's YESTERDAY but it still happened. Bella DePaulo of Living Single guest posted on Onely! And that concludes National Singles Week.

I wish that I had been able to more fully participate in the Crawl and in whatever other festivities were taking place. Fortunately, National Singles Week comes around every year and hopefully next year I will be happy and healthy with my head screwed on straight. I will be spending more time tomorrow catching up on blogging, commenting and reading. Fortunately, the posts aren't going anywhere so I can read, digest and comment at my leisure. It was a fantastic experience to be included in this Blog Crawl! Thank you so much to the women at Single Women Rule for putting this together!

My Body, My Soul

2009-09-27T11:40:00.003-05:00

Today is my first day at home in two weeks. One week ago today I was on a plane back from my best friend and my unofficial little sister's mother's funeral. One week before that I was walking around like a zombie because Sexless Suitor sat on the opposite end of the sofa. I have been at my house off and on through the past two weeks. I have slept here, fitfully and deeply, I have tried to unpack, to tidy up, to get myself together. But today is my first whole day at home. Other days I have been on the road, or sick in bed or at work trying to not get fired.

Today I feel normal again. I am not sure when my sister and my best friend (it was their mother who passed away suddenly, almost two weeks ago now) will feel normal again. This is a complicated kind of loss. Their mother was only 50 and although her death was sudden, it wasn't really a surprise. When I began to explain it to an older co-worker, someone who has seen a lot of life, he interrupted with a nod of understanding: "Hard life". Yes. She had a hard life and for the latter parts her children and then I were a witness to it. And, oftentimes, when her children were children, the hardness in her life spilled over onto them.

There are so many complicated relationships at play here. And in many ways I am just an observer. But this woman who I had spent so much of my adult life being angry at or disgusted with is gone. It is a relief and a loss at the same time. Her kids feel the same way. But one result of her death is that it brought everyone together.

We (my best friend, her sister who is also my unofficial little sister, their brothers and their wives and I) met in our hometown for a weekend. It was an erie experience, all together. The first morning there I walked from my parents home to the house where everyone else was staying. On the way I passed my elementary school just as the kids were arriving. For years I walked to school as a child this same way but now I, childless, was walking past and realized that I am now an adult, older than some of the parents. I searched the parent's faces wondering if I would recognize any of my former classmates. And then I did. Driving by was a friend from the 6th grade with her elementary aged kid in tow.

There is this whole life that I didn't live when I left my hometown. There is this life there that seems uncanny and strange to me but which is totally normal and so very American and wholesome and apple pie. But even though none of us stayed in our hometown-- we all pretty much fled as soon as we were able, for one weekend, my best friend from kindergarten and all her family were gathered together in the same place we grew up to come to terms with their mother's death and the life she had lived there.

It was not easy. There are so many things I want to write about. I want to write about how my best friend's family is closer to me than my own, about how my unofficial sister really is my sister. I want to write about how my boss asked me: "So, now you want to go to the funeral?" as if I was asking for time off to go to a party. I want to write about how it is impossible for me to describe the relationships I have with people who are not biological kin without telling the whole stories of our lives. I want to write about how I think it was rude that my boss forced me to explain the entire relationship in order to validate the time I took off from work. I want to write about my mixed feelings about my hometown and how, to this day, feel totally out of place and misunderstood there.

But today is my first day at home. There is catching up to do. There is the blog crawl to write about, to comment on, to READ. There is ironing and laundry and a still empty room to rent. And there is my poor beat up and neglected body in need of nutrition and a pedicure. There is dinner to be made and groceries to be bought and order to be re-established. There are chickens to be fed and dogs to be walked.

Being single doesn't mean that I don't have responsibilities or committed relationships but it has forced me to learn how to nurture myself so that I can feel whole enough to be there for the people closest to me when they are feeling less than whole.

Single Women Rule Blog Crawl Day 6: Laura Dave on Living Single

2009-09-26T08:23:00.002-05:00

I have come to accept the fact that I am going to be one to two days late on just about everything for a little while now. Yesterday's guest post was by Laura Dave, Author of The Divorce Party and was posted on Bella DePaulo's blog, Living Single.

I will be catching up on my reading and my commenting tomorrow, Sunday.

This blog crawl has been fantastic. Thank you Single Women Rulers!

Blog Crawl Day 4&5!

2009-09-24T22:48:00.003-05:00

I didn't post yesterday because I had a horrendous day which ended up with me wearing barfed-on clothes to bed and going home sick from work today. When I told my best friend the story she howled with laughter the whole time. Needless to say, I think I made out with my favorite skinny waiter before abandoning my purse under a bar table. I am mortified by my behavior and even more mortified by this hangover which won't quit. I barfed today. I never barf. It was my friend who barfed last night in Skinny Waiter's truck. This morning Skinny Waiter texted me to let me know that the barf smelled like new car smell. That was sweet. I think he likes me.

I am a pretty straight laced person. I hate being drunk. I neglected my dog and my chickens and my blog.

So, to catch up on Single Women Rule's national singles week blog crawl:

Day 4: Keysha Whitaker of Single Women Rule guest posts on Simone Grant's Sex, Lies and Dating in the City. Keysha tells a little story and writes about men, women and "going out".

Day 5: Maryanne Comaroto gives dating advice on Dating Advice (Almost) Daily.

And if you want to hear a hilarious yet totally dysfunctional couple of voicemails from the kind of man that ought to wear a rather large warning label, click here.

Dear Abstinent Admirer

2009-09-22T20:12:00.003-05:00

Dear Abstinent Admirer,

Obviously I have freaked you out. It has occurred to me that maybe you read my blog. I keep it pretty top secret and I've never mentioned it to you. But you have a magical intelligence and seem to know some pretty random things about the world so maybe you have uncovered the truth about me via Singlutionary.

I want to talk to you. You might be as rare as a Loch Ness Monster and as strange as Rainman but I still admire you. I admire your sense of humor, your discipline, your commitment to your values and your intelligence. I also respect your humility, your stability and your history. I love your totally sane yet entirely unconventional perspectives on the world. We might not be compatible as a couple or even as a potential couple. I love physical intimacy and I'm not sure I want to give that up for all eternity. I'm not sure I want to get married either. But we both raised younger siblings, more or less. We both seem set in our separate Singlutionary ways. And nobody can talk about my car the way you do.

For a while we had this smart, funny, sweet and comforting emotional intimacy that I haven't enjoyed the likes of EVER with someone who didn't just want to get into my pants. Thank you for that. Thank you AND I want it back! I want to be friends. I want to go on walks and talk about your strange ways. And if you'd like we can talk about my strange ways too. I just freaking miss our friendship and when you come into the office all awkward and shy and acting like you'd rather be anyplace else it breaks my little Singlutionary heart.

Its OK if you don't want to snuggle with me before, during or after football games. We don't have to date or be boyfriend and girlfriend. You can look-but-not-touch all the college girls you want. But we ARE friends. I demand your friendship! I admire and respect and adore you. Period. As a human being. This is beyond romance and dating and "The Rules" and everything else that is lame about relationships.

Abstinent Admirer, be my friend, again already, dang it. Forget about kissing and holding hands lets just hang out.

Love,

Singlutionary

Blog Crawl Day 3: Ronnie Ann Ryan on Single Women Rule!

2009-09-22T14:36:00.002-05:00

Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan writes today's article at crawl organizers website Single Women Rule!

Enjoy!

Blog Crawl Day 2: Simone Grant Writes Right Here!

2009-09-21T07:42:00.002-05:00

I am so totally stoked to host guest blogger Simone Grant today for day two of the Single Women Rule blog crawl for National Singles Week. Simone writes prolifically over at Sex Lies and Dating in the City and I suggest that when you're done reading here, you crawl on over there to read more of her stories about single life.

Here is what Simone has to say:

I'm so honored to be taking part in this blogcrawl, and especially so to be guest blogging on Singlutionary as I've been a fan of this site for a while now.

I write primarily about dating and relationships (with the distinctive point of view of a 39-year-old happily single woman) and so it seems sensible for me to write about that here. More specifically I thought it might be interesting to tell the story of my first date after a long dry spell.

It was about a decade ago. I was very focused on work and at a stage in my career where I had to work an unhealthy amount of hours a week. At one point I caught pneumonia and had to spend several weeks home on bed rest to recuperate (I was in pretty bad shape by the time I finally dragged myself to the doctor). My home computer at the time was pretty crappy and so the organization I worked for sent me a laptop via messenger. I was sick as a dog, but they couldn't survive without me.

Anyway, it had been a couple of years since my last actual date. And just before getting sick I'd been talking with friends about trying online dating. So one of the first things I did when I got well enough to sit up for an extended period of time was sign up for the earliest iteration of match.com (I think it was match). I figured why not take advantage of the fancy laptop? Back then there were very few people posting their pictures online. All we had to go by were people's descriptions of themselves, which was pretty great in someways.

Within a few weeks I'd started and stopped communicating with a few different guys and had progressed to speaking on the phone with one man in particular. And then he asked me out on a date but I was still too sick to go out. My doctor kept extending the time I had to stay in (my own fault, I cheated and went into work too soon and ended up in the emergency room...).

He had no reason to believe I was lying. I sounded awful. So he offered to come by my apartment to bring me soup and keep me company one night after work. And, for some demented reason, I said yes.

I have no idea what got into me. My first date in a couple of years was with a man I'd never met, had never seen a picture of, who was coming to my studio where I lived alone while I was too weak to defend myself. Not to mention that I was still sick and looked sick. But no matter, I was excited about the prospect of a date.

And it was, for all of the weirdness, a good date. He was a gentleman and handsome to boot. And we ended up seeing each other for a while after that. A few months. Until we got the chance to get to know one another a lot better and then learned how utterly different and unsuitable we were for one another.

Anyway, I think of that story every once in a while. Every time someone is telling me about their dating drought/how they haven't been on a date in years and don't know how to start again. Or when I hear people rant and rave about how all of the guys online are creeps.

What happened back then was an aberration. I would never again invite a strange man to my home for a first date. But I don't think that all the guys out there are dangerous. I'd just rather be safe than sorry.

And more importantly, there was no lesson to be learned about how I got back into dating. I decided I wanted to do it and I did it. I'd heard of online dating and it sounded like a pretty low risk proposition so I figured why not.    Then I went from not dating in a couple of years to dating a perfectly nice man. And then more perfectly nice. No magic. Just a decision to do it. Sounds easy, because it is.

Blog Crawl Day 1: Kimberly Newman at That Happened To Me

2009-09-20T17:29:00.003-05:00

I personally just got off an airplane after an exhausting, revealing and somehow erie yet incredibly life affirming weekend. So I haven't had much of a chance to read today's crawl post by Kimberly Newman at That Happened to Me. I'll be reading it right away. And you should too.

And there is another blog you might want to check out. Mary Davies is an inspiration for single living period and single living at sixty specifically.

I'll be back to writing about my life, my best friends, my un-family, sex, intimacy and marriage next week. This week its about all I can do to crawl the crawl!

Single Women Rule's Blog Crawl for National Singles Week

2009-09-19T10:23:00.004-05:00

It starts tomorrow! I am very excited to announce that Singlutionary will be hosting guest blogger Simone Grant, writer of Sex, Lies and Dating in The City, on Monday, September 21st. Thanks to Single Women Rule for putting this wonderful blog crawl together and for inviting me to participate. I will be reading, commenting and posting links during this week to redirect readers to the blog crawls fantastic blogs and guest bloggers. Below is the official press release:

Get Your Crawl On!

SingleWomenRule.com presents the first Blog Crawl for National Singles’ Week

Friday, September 18, 2009 (New York, NY) - Join millions of people as they crawl the web's most popular blogs for singles, during the first SingleWomenRule.com's Blog Crawl for National Singles Week. In the virtual world, a blog crawl works like a pub crawl, or museum crawl in the real world; each day, you'll visit a designated blog to read featured blog posts from our favorite voices in the singles community.

“The Blog Crawl is an excellent example of the strength and connectivity of the online singles community,” said Terry Hernon MacDonald of SingleWomenRule.com. Hernon MacDonald, author of the e-book, How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams, co-founded SingleWomenRule.com last August.

Featured guest bloggers include Dr. Bella DePaulo, notable psychologist and author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After; author of the novel The Divorce Party, Laura Dave; dating/relationship writer and author of The Real Reasons Men Commit, Kimberly Dawn Neumann, writer Simone Grant of Sex, Lies and Dating, dating coach Ronnie Ann Ryan of NeverTooLate.biz, and Maryanne Comaroto, author of Hindsight: What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers.

“We hand-picked the guest bloggers and host blogs for their tenacious spirit and voice,” said Hernon MacDonald. “Guiding readers from blog to blog in a crawl helps each blog build their readership, while bringing a fresh perspective and new audience via the guest bloggers, each day.”

The Blog Crawl begins on the first day of National Singles’ Week, Sunday, September 20, 2009.

“On Sunday, we’ll start our crawl with Kimberly Dawn Neumann on Vanessa Torres’ site, That Happened to Me. Then on Monday, we’ll crawl over to Singlutionary for a guest post by writer Simone Grant,” said Hernon MacDonald. “Each day of National Singles’ Week, we’ll get a great post from our guest bloggers, and an opportunity to read some different blogs for all aspects of single life.”

The Blog Crawl ends on Saturday, September 26, 2009 with Dr. DePaulo blogging on Onely.org.

Hernon-MacDonald said, “SingleWomenRule.com’s Blog Crawl 2009 is an innovative and exciting opportunity for the online singles community to show solidarity, strength and community during National Singles’ Week.”

SingleWomenRule.com’s Blog Crawl for National Singles Week
Sunday, September 20, 2009 – Saturday, September 26, 2009

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Kimberly Dawn Neumann on That Happened to Me

http://www.thathappenedtome.com

Monday, September 21, 2009

Simone Grant on Singlutionary

http://singlutionary.blogspot.com

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Ronnie Ann Ryan on Single Women Rule

http://www.singlewomenrule.com

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Terry Hernon MacDonald on Sex, Lies & Dating

http://www.sex-lies-dating.com/

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Maryanne Comaroto on Dating Advice Almost Daily

http://www.happygirlmusing.com

Friday, September 25, 2009

Laura Dave on Living Single

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Dr. Bella DePaulo on Onely

http://onely.org

About SingleWomenRule.com

SingleWomenRule.com is a website for women who want to revel in life’s magic and feel truly fulfilled – whether the knight-in-shining (or newly refurbished) armor ever arrives.

Sayonara Sexless Suitor

2009-09-14T16:50:00.004-05:00

In my personal offline life, I am a very private person. I like to keep my feelings to myself and folks outside my inner circle would rarely know that something is wrong, even when it is.

I also like to think, during the good times, that I have everything all figured out, that I'm wise and learn from my mistakes and can carry forward without fear of failure. And honestly, that isn't a bad way to live life.

Except, sometimes I do fail.

The past week has beaten me up. I'm exhausted. There are so many things I need to write about and I don't even know where to begin.

But to begin with, I must throw Sexless Suitor out the window. I must. The thing is that I didn't realize how much I liked him. I was busy living my life and going about my business and I thought that would protect me somehow. I still have a full life but I DO crave relevant connection. I DO crave physical affection. I don't know how to NOT crave these things. But pretending that I wasn't craving them got me into trouble. That is where, I think, I made my mistake.

I haven't been honest with myself. I am not 100% Singlutionary-ized like some of the folks who frequent this site. Or maybe I WAS and then something changed. And that something is that my life slowed down into a routine and I wasn't constantly busy. I had room for a new friend and I was willing to welcome Abstinent Admirer into my life. And Abstinent Admirer was great. He admired me, he liked me for who I was. He made my work days and my walks around the lake less boring. And then he asked me on a date and became my Sexless Suitor.

But Sexless Suitor sucks. He sends me mixed messages, he won't touch me although he is very emotionally intimate with me. It hurts and confuses me like crazy.

I spend a week not knowing what to do, frozen in confusion. And then I talked to one of my best married Singlutionary friends. And she said: "Obviously he isn't good enough for you. If you were giving advice to yourself as the Singlutionary, that is what you would say."

And I knew she was right.

Feeling hurt and confused after one date is great because it is an early sign that one should turn around and run full force in the opposite direction before getting trapped in the mire.

I was frozen in confusion because I was trying too hard to figure him out, figure out what was wrong with me or him or the situation. And its not worth it. Its not worth exhausting myself over.

Still, I am sad that this has ended. I admired my admirer. He was a new friend, a new presence in my life with a new perspective. I don't often meet people that I admire and appreciate like that.

But through the past week, I've had my friends and roommates rally around me. They've fed and walked my dog, given me rides (my car also broke down this week), commiserated with me, offered to lend me money (the roommate who disappeared in the middle of the night also stopped payment on her rent check nearly causing my mortgage payment to bounce) and bought me midnight brownies at the place with my favorite skinny waiter. I've had plenty of shoulders to cry on.

I have plenty to be grateful for.

Labor Day Pains and Pleasures

2009-09-07T22:45:00.005-05:00

So I had a crisis over the weekend. I am afraid to admit that I may have strayed from my Singlution.

On Saturday I went on my first official date with Abstinent Admirer. It was super fun, his sister and brother-in-law were hecka nice and I felt comfortable even though I knew nothing about football. Let me amend that last statement: I felt comfortable when we were all four together. I think that Abstinent Admirer (who now shall be upgraded to the name of "Sexless Suitor") prefers to spend time with me well chaperoned. I felt a little rejected that he didn't touch me at all. In fact, he made great effort NOT to touch me. His sister, through the course of normal social interaction touched me more than he did. I'm not taking about anything sexual here. Sexless Suitor has already laid down his no-sex card. I'm just talking about a hand on a shoulder, a gesture, a tap, a bump --- the normal things that happen when you're sitting next to a person or (gasp) lightly flirting. I think Sexless Suitor is terrified of touching me. And it kinda hurt my feelings.

Between that and realizing the next morning that one of my roommates had unexpectedly skipped town, I feel a little rejected all weekend. My confidence was in the crapper.

So I had a mighty unproductive weekend. I called all my friends and told them the story of the evening, about how Sexless Suitor sat on the very far end of the sofa and I on the other. I told them about how I had to initiate a HUG at the end of the evening. I said I didn't know what to do! Does the man like me? Does he not like me? What is going on? How do I proceed? I felt at a total loss. I felt overwhelmedly confused. It had taken me so long to embrace his abstinence and now it appeared that I was going to have to embrace puritan standards of pre-marital conduct. Or maybe Sexless Suitor just isn't attracted to me at all? Excuse my language, but my little heart just spent 48 hours in a cluster fuck.

And then I went swimming, solo. I had planned on going with a friend but she was too tired and swimming in 68 degree water at 9pm does require some extraordinary willpower. So I just decided to go by myself. I was a little scared of jumping into the cold and dark depths by myself (this is an outdoor, natural water pool and you really don't know what is down there) but I just did it anyways. And once I was in the water the Singlution came flooding back to me.

I remembered that I am fine on my own and that I don't need Sexless Suitor to build me up. His admiration is extra but I already admire myself. If I want to go swimming or go running or travel, I can do all those things on my own. And if I can't snuggle myself I can do other activities which reduce my craving for snuggling. And I remembered how much I enjoy my own life and being able to do things on my own and spending time hearing myself think. Until now I've NEVER in my adult life had so much freedom to do what I want when I want and to focus so much on myself. I am enjoying that for now, living my life with my dog and my house and my job.

Going to the game with Sexless Suitor was a bonus because it was an experience I wouldn't have had on my own. The things that I most enjoy about Sexless Suitor have to do with our friendship. Yes, I am attracted to the man (which makes sitting on one sofa while he sits on another quite aggravating) but I am in a great part attracted to him because of our conversations and the things I learn from him and the way we seem to be perfectly matched on the strangeness scale. I don't have any peer-aged siblings so attending a football game with Sexless Suitor's functional family was an interesting thing for me to participate in. It was a new experience all around and a rather pleasant one. There were some awkward moments and some disappointing ones and some frustrating ones and for the most part I felt like a foreign exchange student the whole evening. But it was fun. It was a good experience. And that is the only thing I need to take away from it. If Sexless Suitor wants to ask me out again, I will certainly say "yes". I like the man. But I also have to accept that if I am going to get involved with a guy who hasn't had sex in 18 years, I am going to have to be patient.

And its so much easier to be patient when I am busy swimming through my own life and jumping into my own unknown depths while he builds up the courage to hold my hand.

My Absence. My Vacation. My Abstinent Admirer Asks Me Out.

2009-09-01T21:04:00.004-05:00

It seems that I am not only abstaining from sex these days but also from blogging. I hate that. I miss my blog life as The Singlutionary. Lately I've been giving myself permission to be less than perfect and so I haven't been writing as much. But I am looking for a new way to continue this blog, a new way for it to fit into my life but I haven't quite found it yet. I have lots of things to write about but never time to write them.

But I promise that I'll be returning to writing soon. No word yet on when I'll be returning to sex. My abstinent admirer did finally ask me on a real date today which I am oddly excited about. He asked me to the football game which is a big deal in this town. I've never been and while I don't even really care about football I love the uber middle class, fun and festive nature of the activity. I hate dinner dates. I HATE them. Too much pressure.

So Abstinent Admirer and Abstinent I are going to the game with his sister and her husband. I feel like I'm a freshman in high school going to a football game on a "group" date (you know, for back in the day when you were too young to pair off so you had to go in a group so your parents could feel more comfortable that you weren't getting knocked up behind the bleachers. I think the last time I went to a football game was in high school anyways. I was in the marching band and got to wear the whole outfit with the spats and the plume on my funny little chin-strapped hat to every game.)

But my absence from this blog doesn't have much of anything to do with dating. (I was pretty sure, until today, that my Admirer was just going to come into the office and admire me for the rest of my life and never actually make a move.) My absence has more to do with work and the chickens and the dog and allowing myself to just do nothing for a while.

So I'm on a vacation. I'll be back. I am sending a postcard to all my Singlutionary friends and it goes like this:

"I'm sitting here in my armchair day dreaming about the life that I'm living and just relaxing on my overstuffed furniture. The weather here is hot and I'm keeping my libido on ice. Wish you were here. I'll be back soon!"

Sexless Singlutionary Experiment

2009-08-17T21:22:00.003-05:00

My abstinent admirer has got me thinking.

My only issue with being single is that I have to deal with getting laid. If I only really want to get laid within a relationship but don't really want a relationship, my life is a daily catch 22. And I'm bored with having sex outside of a relationship.

No wonder I'm so frustrated! All I wanted from a relationship was sex but I kept complaining that all anyone ever wanted from me was sex. While I was learning how to NOT be desperate for a relationship, I was still ultra desperate for some good old fashioned humping.

So, I've decided to quit being desperate about sex. Its OK that I am getting older, that my body isn't perfect and isn't going to get more perfect. Its OK that sometimes I get mad that other people have a lover and I have myself. Its OK that my new exercise routine is upped my libido by about 100%. I am just going to accept sexlessness in the same way that I accept and enjoy singleness. I'm going to quit worrying about how long it was since I last got laid and with whom and how many notches I do or do not have on my belt. I'm going to quit thinking that everyone who is out there doing-the-nasty is happier and healthier and having more fun than me. I'm going to quit dreaming of my next orgasm like a girl daydreaming about her wedding day.

This is an experiment that I am engaging in. Its a shift in my sense of identity. Its requiring me to be humble and to be perpetually horny. But if Abstinent Admirer can go 18 years, I can go 18 months, right?

I quit being a desperate dater, a pitiful piner and I quit wah-wah-waiting for someone to come fix my whole life. So why am I still sitting around desperately waiting and pining for someone to come fix my vagina. Why am I even looking it like that? Gross! As if I NEED someone else with their spectacular body part to make my body parts whole?

Lately, the way I function in regards to sex and relationships has begun to come clear to me and I am beginning to understand that if all men have ever wanted from me is sex it is only because all I ever wanted from men was sex.

Sex was the one thing that I've been holding out on, that I've not been able to let go of. My life feels incomplete without sex which is why I was appalled that a totally sane, healthy and attractive man choose to go 18 years without it and not even be mad about it. What a waste, right?

And then I realized that people say the same thing about being single: Its such a waste of time to be alone all those years when you could be in a relationship/in love/married with children.

I don't need a relationship or kids to enjoy life. And now, I am going to try and enjoy my life without sex.

I just really hope my experiment doesn't last 18 years. I just really hope not.

Sex(less) Singlution

2009-08-11T22:11:00.005-05:00

The comments to my last post about the crush-I-wish-I-didn't have were fascinating. Some people said "Go do him!" and others said "Don't feel bad about physical attraction" and others said "yes, non-committed sex is hard for me also" and everyone pretty much said: "Do what is right for you, there is no shame in that!"

Last week, I already knew that my crush/admirer is not a man who has one night stands. I knew that if I were to sleep with him, it would be a big deal to him and it would be the beginning of a relationship.

And while I didn't know if I wanted a relationship, I did know that I found him attractive and fascinating.

And then today, he cleared everything up on another walk around the lake: He simply took sex off the table.

This attractive, intelligent, perceptive person hasn't had sex in 18 years.

I almost fell down. I almost fell down and died right there on the lake trail. My body would have been run over by a couple bikers and then stampeded by a booty bootcamp group from the YMCA and then scattered by a stroller brigade.

There is nothing wrong with NOT having sex. I used to live in Utah and I see the value in chastity. There is nothing wrong WITH having sex either. I was raised near the epicenter of free love and I understand the value of sharing. I, personally, am not convinced that monogamy is right nor am I enamoured with polyamory either. I am sure that each person has to work this out within themselves and follow their own convictions and desires.

But to not have sex for the same amount of time in which a baby grows into an adult? I was stunned. I was overwhelmed. I mean, I'm just on sex hiatus. I'm just taking a short break until I figure it all out, until I meet someone worth humping.

So is he.

To be perfectly honest (and I kinda hate saying this because I hate to perpetuate certain stereotypes), most of the sexual relationships I've had have been hurtful. I always thought that my partner valued me for more than just a good roll in the hay. He didn't. I thought we were friends and that we were there for each other outside of the bedroom. We weren't and he wasn't. Before I was Singlutionary, I always thought that we were on some kind of road-to-forever which would save me from my sadder self.

I've never had a sex partner who really valued me for who I am, for all my qualities or even took the time to get to know me. They saw me as a thing, a toy, an accessory.

My admirer says getting to know a person is simple and clear when sex is removed from the picture.

In a way, I think he is right. For me, his admiration has been healing because I always sensed that he was interested in ALL of me. He admires and values me not because he thinks I'm hot (although he does) but because of who I am and what I do with my life and where I am going and what I enjoy and value. He enjoys our small-but-growing friendship. And so do I.

And this all gives me space to continue to be Singlutionary, sex free. For now, at least.

And in the meantime, I can enjoy this friendship, enjoy being myself and enjoy being admired for myself, plain and simple. I like that. I'm not sure I'll like it in another 18 years, or even 18 months, but for now, its perfect.

Singlutionary sex is going to be different for everyone. It depends, in part, on where you've been, where you're going and who you are. I am not advocating for 18 years of abstinence but if 18 years of abstinence makes you a better Singlutionary, I'm all for it.

I Have a Crush (and Wish I Didn't)

2009-08-07T21:07:00.005-05:00

Gross. I now have a crush on my admirer. I hate having crushes. It is SO un-Singlutionary. Having a crush, for me at least, is also a feeling of longing . . . of not being present in the moment but longing for some future junction when crush-plus-I can ride off into the sunset together. The last thing I want to do right now is ride off into the sunset and/or be swept off in some tidal wave of love. I am here, I am rooted and I am on solid ground. The last thing I want is some massive upheaval which plays out like a traumatic romantic comedy/action flick. I've had enough upheaval in the past year for six dramas, thank you. I like where I am standing and the path that I am on and the last thing I need is to be ducking into the bushes all the time for a quick makeout session.

What I really want from my favorite admirer is to be friends.

What I really want is mutual admiration.

And sex.

If only I believed that were possible, or right, or just-that-simple to have sex with a friend and not have everything go haywire.

I am going running with my favorite admirer tomorrow morning. Maybe if I run fast enough I'll outrun my sex drive and be able to coast back into simple friendship.

But, despite my annoyance at finding my admirer physically attractive, I am enjoying having a new friend and good company.

I keep thinking that I need to address the issue of being single and (wanting to have) sex here on Singlutionary. But the truth is that I just haven't figured it out yet. Lisa over at Onely has addressed it quite eloquently and seems to be living proof that un-relationshiped sex can be a positive experience.

I, personally, am still in a quandary.

So while I won't be writing about sex, I will be writing about chickens, eggs, insects and the fact that most urban homestead types are seriously coupled and raising humans as well as livestock.

My Singlutionary Admiration

2009-07-29T21:20:00.005-05:00

I have an admirer and I like it.

Most of the admiration that I have received in my life was not really all that welcome. As a young teenager I was building a set for a Shakespeare play I was performing in when I heard a noise. I looked up and right on the other side of the fence was a man masturbating while staring at me. I was 13. Granted, we were building the set on the grounds of a mental institution but this guy was NOT locked up. He was one of the ones who was free to range and had a pass into the real world on Saturdays. I tried to tell my hot 20 year old co-actor about it but I stalled when I came to the masturbation part. I didn't know which words to use. I was so embarrassed. And while I had a deep puppy love crush on the hot 20 year old male co star, he was so freaked out by having to kiss with me in the play that he could hardly stand talking to me for more than 1 minute. During that summer he hooked up with an opera singer his own mothers age and then freaked out when he found out how old she was. But that is another story entirely.

After high school I gained a lot of weight and for most of my adult life I've been a little plump. When I began slimming down, I realized that I didn't want to be slender again. The extra weight had reduced the cat calls, the guys driving by in their cars doing the blow job hand motion and the dopey sweet-but-annoying types who used to follow me around campus like little puppies talking about their Dungeons and Dragons victories. Being heavy also made me -- literally -- harder to move. Shortly after college I had been walking in my own neighborhood (the one I grew up in) and had been suddenly grabbed in a bear hug by some guy. I started yelling but nobody on this quiet residential street took any notice or came to my defense. I did yell loud enough to startle him into letting go. I ran across the street where a neighbor boy was sitting on the front steps. He seemed unconcerned and seemed annoyed that I was bothering him when I explained to him what had happened. Since I wasn't getting any sympathy or offers to walk me back to my house, I decided to just make a run for it although I was sure the man was still watching me from the shadows. The man grabbed me again in my own driveway at which time my parents heard my screaming and came to my rescue. He fled. None of the neighbors ever inquired as to my well being although they must have heard me screaming. Did they think I was just mentally imbalanced? At the time there was another Shakespeare actor staying at my parent's house. He was completely uncomfortable with witnessing this experience, said it was just like "West Side Story" (huh?) and went out with (common) friends and didn't invite me. I hate my hometown but that is another story entirely.

So, you can see why I've never really thought much of being admired. Aside from perverts, I've been also admired by men and women for all the wrong reasons, for reasons that had little to do with me: I had a car, was educated, was a liberal, was an activist, wasn't an activist, didn't smoke pot, was educated by hippies, had a swing set, knew how to use email, knew so-and-so, had long hair, had short hair, liked hiking, wasn't their girlfriend, etc.

Admiration sucked.

Until now.

At the new job I have a few admirers. There are many people who live at the apartment complex where I work who are sane and interesting. There are also the Dungeons and Dragon types but as they've matured they've picked up other topics of conversation with which to impress the ladies. And there are a few harmless nut jobs.

My new admirers are cute. They're smart and not socially disabled and they will come into the office to talk. They come by now more than they did before and that was my first hint that they have little crushes on me. I have one in particular who is my favorite. He knows how to fix cars and doesn't talk down to me because I'm female. So I get to talk about cars and straw bale houses and alternative fuel sources with him and he talks to me like, well, a peer. Its good to be admired by respectable folk. And its good to be admired for the right reasons and to have someone see value in me beyond what I can give them. Its good to be respected AND admired. And its a new experience for me, in a way. I'm soaking it up. I never thought admiration could be so light hearted and simple. But this is. And at this moment, it is absolutely perfect.

This new experience is a result of becoming Singlutionary. Being entirely satisfied with my single life has resulted in a new confidence. Crazy people leave me alone because I am untouchable; I want for nothing. And folks who are also Singlutionary seem to recognize their own. How wonderful is it to find Singlutionary friends in my offline life as well as in my virtual one?

Ahhhhh Solitude

2009-07-25T13:23:00.002-05:00

If you are a regular Singlutionary reader, you already know that a) there hasn't been as much to read lately and b) I live with a bunch of roommates and c) I am a wanna be urban farmer.

Tomorrow, I am having a party welcoming my chickens into my backyard. They've already been out back for a while now but their little chicken coop isn't quite complete without roof tiles. And the roof tiles are going to be made out of cut up beer cans. It'll take about 80 cans to finish the roof. So I'm having a beer can emptying/chicken roofing party. Its actually the first party I've had since moving into my home two years ago and kinda also serves as a housewarming.

I thought that the house would be extra crowded this weekend with all the roommates home because the party is tomorrow.

Instead, I find myself all alone.

And it feels great. Even when I'm in my room with the door closed, I am aware of other people being in the house. I make sure to be considerate, I try and look more presentable when I leave my room and I don't talk to myself out loud as much.

It feels great to have a day alone with just the dog and the chickens. I like being the only human in the house every now and again. I actually like it a lot.

I think that I'm particularly sensitive to others and try to be considerate of them. So it is only when I am 100% alone that I feel completely myself.

Of course, I've also been adjusting to going back to work and I'm around people a lot now. I enjoy it just as much as I enjoy this Saturday afternoon solitude.

I know that this isn't a particularly insightful or interesting post but I just wanted to say something!

How about you? Do you enjoy solitude? Why? What is different about having other folks around and how can that be enjoyable too?

Off-the-Grid Singlutionaries

2009-07-19T14:41:00.003-05:00

With all the recent changes in my life, I've also got a new obsession: Creating (in my mind for now) an ideal off-the-grid resort community in rural Southwest, TX. I have always longed to create communities in which visitors could spend time being creative, being quiet and hearing their own voice again (how many times have I longed for a place like this where I can find some solitude?) and I've always had an interest in sustainable living.

And so have other folks too! Turns out that there are lots of people who gave up their jobs and their busy "successful" life in the big city to move out to Southwest TX (and other places) and built their own super simple home-on-the-range. One thing I notice about these folks is that many of them are single. You'd think that if you're gonna move out into the middle of nowhere (and I mean the MIDDLE of nowhere), you'd need at least two people to make a go of it. Not so. These single folks have friends, they have community and they live on vast tracts of land with only a few longhorns in sight.

And none of them seem lonely. In fact they seem entirely satisfied with their ultra-simple lives and their acres of solitude.

Of course, this lifestyle is a lifestyle and is obviously not for everyone. I'd like to create a community where people can come and go . . . visit for a weekend or a month or a year and then go back into the world more inspired and joyful and centered and healthy. I just always thought I'd be creating a place like this in the redwood trees along the Pacific coast. But land out west is pretty expensive. And, besides, who wouldn't want these folks for neighbors:

Old New Yorker/New Texan Recites a Poem to Longhorn Cattle

Former City Dwelling Lawyer Shows off Her Adobe and Cob Estate

And in Huntsville, TX a Guy Makes Recycled Homes from Garbage

My Holiday Card (in July)

2009-07-08T22:17:00.004-05:00

I've been inspired by a great post over at The Spinster Chronicles. Spinster Leese wrote about receiving Christmas cards as a child and enjoying the updates from relatives and friends near and far and dreaming of writing her own one day. I enjoy this too. As a single person, it would be easy to think "Well, I've got nothing to write home about". But as a Singlutionary, I can't even wait for the holiday season. I am going to write my (summer season's greetings) holiday card right now:

Dear Friends and Family,

Its been quite a half year for the Singlutionary and I hope that your half year has been ripe with blessings as well.

Singlutionary DOG is now eating a new kind of dog food which she much prefers and which is less expensive but just as nutritious. She escaped into the neighborhood three times this year and has not yet been run over by a Prius.

Meanwhile I went a got myself a full time job, installed two low flush toilets, built a chicken coop, picked out some young Singlutionary hens (with a little help from a friend) and met up with best-friend-since-kindergarten for a half day during which time we "ate and ate and then ate again" according to her 3 year old. I successfully got friends from another time zone to quit calling after 10pm (with a few exceptions of course). And I think (this may be premature) that my sister has forgiven me for whatever I did because she kindly allowed me to take her out for lunch and a margarita and to buy her a flamingo on her birthday. Haven't heard from her since.

I welcomed a new roommate, met up with my mom in Canada, visited both my parents back in the homeland and will be attending the wedding of my cousin to "The Fanny Patter" next weekend. My (insane) ex-boyfriend quit trying to win me back by leaving kinkos-self-published books by his-truly on my doorstep or in my mailbox and he has finally been reported to the proper authorities by his other (ex) girlfriend. I attended a screening of the first full length movie I ever acted in and realized that I don't suck as much as I thought. I cut off all my hair and rekindled my love affair with water. I have not had sex this year and I'm not really bothered by this fact. Oh, and I started a blog.

Have a Singlutionary Summer!

Love,

Singlutionary

OK. That was pretty cheesy.

But what is your list of accomplishments and new beginnings for the half year? What do you have to celebrate? What news do you want to shout from the rooftops? What have you overcome, overdone or overcooked since January 1st? What would your Summer Singlutionary card say?

Cutting My Singlution Some Slack

2009-07-06T21:59:00.005-05:00

I had a 4 day weekend. And I didn't post once. Not once. I thought about Singlutionary. "Singlutionary" was all over my to-do list. I love writing this blog and participating in this online community of awesome happy singles. I have a list in my journal of things that I want to write about.

I am frustrated because I am a perfectionist. And since going back to work full time PLUS still working with Bosslady part time my perfection level had dropped to complete non-perfection. In my 4 days off I desperately tried to catch up on stuff and only finished half my list. I did clean the house and finish building the chicken coop but I didn't fix my car window or catch up on blogging or even exercise.

So I've decided to relax my standards. For now, at least.

And as a Singlutionary, I feel that relaxing my standards and cutting myself some slack is an excellent thing to do. Sometimes I expect myself to run my life as if I were a couple. I expect myself to bring home the bacon, cook wholesome meals, look pretty at all times and maintain an immaculately vacuumed carpet. You know how feminists talk about how women work and then they come home to the "second shift" aka housekeeping, child rearing, etc. Well. I have my own second shift, third shift, 16th shift. I expect myself to build chicken coops, work two jobs, fix my own car (which, by the way, is older than I am), eat super healthy organic homegrown and homecooked meals and write every day all the while looking like a lady of leisure with blow dried hair and manicured nails pushed into cute little heels.

Sometimes I think that I forget to take myself seriously because I am single. I forget how much I work or the value of the work that I do. I forget that I am running a household of four and despite the fact that I am biologically unrelated to any of of my roommates, I am still in charge of making sure everyone communicates, is generally happy and has enough toilet paper. I fall into thinking that I live a frivolous life because hey, I don't have a husband and kids so everything must just be easy like giggling while eating marshmallow fluff. Its OK. Every Singlutionary has her moments of non-singlutionary-ness. I forgive myself.

But it is time to extend a few reminders to my Singlutionary self:

You're just one. This doesn't mean that I'm alone or lonely or that there is anything that I can't do. But it does mean that I can't expect to keep up with the JonesES. One person might be able to do more than half of what two people do but I still can't expect myself to work 50 hours a week AND have a normal life AND fix everything around the house in one weekend.

You're just one AND you're part of a community: The only reason I was able to complete one of my long incomplete projects (namely, building a chicken coop which is all done save a lack of empty beer cans to tile the roof with --we'll be emptying the beer cans en masse in a few weeks) was with the help of my Habitat-for-Humanity-friend/former-roommate. She liked the chicken coop idea and has worked tirelessly with me to bring it to eggtion (I was trying to play on the word fruition but it didn't quite work).

You're just one AND you're part of a greater community which you serve through your actions: Singles are often accused of being selfish or self centered by coupled folks. We're also accused of not being grown up. I think that sometimes I let this sneak in and eat away at my Singlution. Sometimes I think that my life is so fantastic that I MUST be selfish and self centered and that since I don't really have anything "serious" to do, I can just get all caught up in my own private and perfect life.

Well. My life is great. I am so grateful for everything, for this blog, for the communities and friends which do support me, for my new job, for Bosslady, for my dog and for chicken poo.

But that doesn't mean that my actions or my projects are irrelevant or unimportant. I am attempting to grow my own food not only for myself but to be shared with my roommates and friends. I am getting chickens to assist in pesticide free and organic pest control and to lay fresh eggs which I will not even eat (I'm allergic). I've created a sustainable business model by renting out furnished rooms in my home to people relocating to my fantastic city. I've installed rainwater collection barrels so that I can consume less water during times of drought (and its always a drought down here).

I'm no Mother Theresa but my ideals and actions are not as much about myself (although I do enjoy my projects immensely) but about creating and sharing a wonderful space with people in-between cities, contributing to the quality of air and quantity of water in my city and basically being a good friend and neighbor. These are my interests and I am blessed to be able to pursue the life that I want to live and to see the things that I do have a small but stealthy impact on the world around me. Just being a joyful, loving person can uplift and inspire someone.

Lately my volunteer duties have fallen by the wayside as I have had to spend more and more time on the house and then at work. And I've felt selfish. But the stuff that I do is a far cry from spending all day shopping for a new Segway.

I am at once grateful for the wonderful people in my life and grateful that I can be a wonderful person in other people's lives.

I still feel angst about the hallway being un-sanded and half prepped for painting six weeks and counting. I still want everything to be perfect.

But as I am learning with my car: as soon as one part is perfect, another part falls off.

That is life. Its true if your single and its true if you're coupled. And its time I quit resisting and started celebrating this fact.

Dear Reader: Please take a moment to pat yourself on the back. What do you do with your life that is doing good in the world even in a small, quiet way. How are you, even through doing things you love, unselfish? Where could you loosen up your own self imposed standards of perfection and cut yourself some slack?